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END OF A GAY COUPLE
Forum: Gay couples
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GAY DREAMS AND REAL LIFE
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GAY LOVE AS AN ANTIDOTE T...
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HOW TO REGISTER ON THIS F...
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IMPORTANT NOTICE
Forum: Announcements and Services
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GAY SEX AND DEPRESSION
Forum: Gay discomfort
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COOLING OF A GAY COUPLE A...
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GAY SEX AND AFFECTIVE INV...
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GAYS BETWEEN DREAM AND RE...
Forum: Gay discomfort
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10-25-2023, 03:36 PM
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GAYS AND SEXUAL DISCOMFOR...
Forum: Gay discomfort
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| BE GAY IN LOVE AND DISCOVER SEXUALITY |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 04:58 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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Hello Project,
I am a 19 year old guy, people tell me I’m a nice guy, I don’t know if this is true, but some girls hang around ma a lot and fall in love with me, let’s say I have always considered myself straight, a bit so to speak, in a particular sense, because girls run below me and I don’t run after them, however, I never had the idea of being gay until a few months ago. All my friends see that girls are behind me and I joke about it a lot and they think I’m totally straight. In fact, I have always had a few interests in sex. I honestly do not have physical problems, but for me the masturbation itself has always been half a thing. I’ve never used gay porn; I do not really even thought about whether or not I was using regular straight porn. And I really looked at the girls and tried to see me in the place of the guy, erection arrived regularly, and also I was able to go to the happy end but after all that I always experimented a strange feeling, so that I told myself that if sex is this way, after all, it’s a very poor thing. I liked very much rather think of a girl with tenderness and cuddles, but not really sexual things, I thought sexual things would come naturally and then at the end I didn’t worry too much. With one of the girls I’ve been in situations in which you could get sex very easily because she was sure there would be, I escaped with an excuse, and frankly, I have not regretted that at all. This sounds like the story of a straight a little uninterested in sex, so to speak, I had come to masturbate once a week and even less, but not forcing, just so spontaneously. Then in January last year, as final exams approached, I began to study with a group of friends, two boys and a girl who all lived in my area. The girl had a boyfriend who had nothing to do with us, and I can say, we were just fellow students, in the sense that when we didn’t meet for studying she went to study with her boyfriend. We three guys instead usually spent together also free time. In practice, a beautiful friendship to three: I (Joseph), John and Andrea (fantasy names). John often talked about girls, Andrea never. At that time I did not give any meaning to these things, for me they were just friends. We spent also three days together in the mountains and nothing happened. We studied together, we went out on Sunday and Saturday nights, but everything ended there. One day, a girl who was not of our group had tried to capture my attention but in a manner that sounded a little strange to me, in practice flirting a little, which is something that I hate. I went away leaving the girl with her mouth open. I was a little upset for this episode but above all for the idea of being approached this way, so to speak. In the evening I called Andrea to tell him that there was one thing I’d like to talk to him but because my parents where home the speech was only vaguely mentioned then we entered mns and we were chatting until late, more than two in the morning. Andrea did not respond in the usual trivial way but tried to reason with me, He didn’t advise me and I didn’t suggest anything but I knew he was listening everything. I was happy and at the end I told him really clear: “To speak with you tonight just made me feel good, I really needed it!” He answered: “Did I like it too; almost never things go this way!” Then we wished goodnight. I was in a very nice euphoric state, I found out I had a true friend with whom I could talk about everything, one who is willing to listen to me for hours. So I began to think that friendship was really an important thing to get better. In the following days I noticed that Andrea of our conversation had not said anything to anyone, and I appreciated it very much. Then we began to chat often on msn, I expected to see when him online and if by chance people called me I didn’t even answer, I was fine with him. One Sunday when my parents where home I called him to ask him if he wound switch to speaking voice on msn, he said “yes, sure”. I lay on my bed with a headset with a microphone in my head and start talking and something unexpected happens to me, I start to get an erection, I think it’s because I have not masturbated for a long time and I do not give weight to the thing, the conversation continues, and I wonder what he would think if he knew that I was in that state, but at that time I didn’t even have the idea that he had something to do with my sexual state. A few days later we are back in voice chat and I newly go to erection although this time I had masturbated in the usual straight mediocre way just the day before. I like Andrea’s voice, I like his pauses, a little I feel almost courted by Andrea, but in a very different way from that of the girls, everything is extremely slow, then I think that Andrea’s smile is very sweet and while he speaks I let myself go with the imagination, I think I’d be intimate with him, because to me he’s becoming a very important person, I’m in erection as long as we’re on msn but it seems natural to me, when we say goodbye it’s so late and go to bed, I masturbate thinking of Andrea, leaving the fantasy completely free and I discover a really new world! Finally I can masturbate with a total commitment, something I had never thought would happen to me and I say, “So this is the true sexuality! Now it makes sense! I’m gay! “Believe me, Project, after a discovery like that I do not feel absolutely challenged, I said I’m in love with Andrea and I only want to be with him. Fears will arrive later, but not the fear of being gay, that I have not really, but the fear of losing Andrea, of embarrassing him, Project, I just love him at all levels. Since then it has become the only object of my masturbatory fantasies and I found the meaning of sexuality, but there was a “but”, what I should do with Andrea? How was I supposed to behave? And now, after two months, we are still at the same point. In the life of Andrea, as far as I know, there aren’t straight adventures but nevertheless nothing suggests me he’s gay, just nothing. We continue to chat very often, usually I call him, but if I do not call after two days he calls me and we are on msn for hours, often to joke and talk about anything or just to swap emoticons! Now I am in a stalemate, now I know I’m gay and it gives me great pleasure to finally know that my affection and my sexual instincts are those, but I want Andrea only for me, if I had the impression that he was sick of me or maybe tends not to get involved I would never insist, but I do not have that impression at all, in some of his hesitation I see that he cares and is very keen, I do not know how, if as a friend or because maybe he’s in love with me, but I think that if he had other people he would not lose his head the whole evening long talking to me. Our way (including his own) is the way of making love. What have I to do, Project? I would be led to bypass the deadlock and tell him exactly how things are, but I have a damn afraid of losing him finally, I would not miss him for any reason but I wish also he was mine in every sense! I would feel that between us there is something important!
If you want to publish the mail, I’ve changed the names, and then I think things like that could have happened to many other guys.
Joseph
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| FAITH AND HOMOSEXUALITY IN ITALY |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 04:55 PM - Forum: Gays and religion
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This morning I received an email notification with which I was informed that a new user had chosen to follow the new blog of Gay Project:
I went to read the blog of this new user http://gayeverday.wordpress.com/ the author is a 20 year old guy who will discuss issues related to the relationship between homosexuality and faith. Many topics covered by this guy are actually fundamental to the lives of gay men. Clearly his point of view is closely tied to religion, seeking to reconcile religion and homosexuality, as a lot guys do or try to do.
This post aims to highlight the eyes of people who do not live in Italy about the problem of reconciling homosexuality and religion as seen in Italy, that is in a country where Catholicism is formally dominant, homophobia is still prevalent and issues of homosexuality are not even minimally treated in education.
In Italy, a young gay man who feels Christian sooner or later has to take note that the official position of the Catholic Church and the documents of the Holy See always radically condemn homosexuality. The Church considers homosexuality as “grave depravity”, “sad consequence of rejecting God,” “lack of normal sexual development”, “pathological constitution”, “intrinsically evil behavior from the moral point of view.” St. Pius X, in his Catechism of 1910, ranks the “impure sin against nature” as second in seriousness only to voluntary murder, by the sins that “cry out for vengeance before God” (Catechism, n. 966). I wrote several posts (in Italian, but I plan to publish them soon also in English) on the weight that Catholic education has on the growth of a homosexual guy, I cite here only one post already published in English.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church clearly states that it is the duty of the homosexual person to live in total chastity, which means radically eliminating even masturbation considered as a grave sin.
Beyond these official determinations of the Catholic Church, many guys who feel gay but also feel believers seek in various ways to reconcile what seems irreconcilable.
It should be emphasized that in the Catholic Church itself, eminent personalities use completely different languages and show deep respect towards homosexuality really considered as a form of love.
Recently died Cardinal Martini, a person of very enlightened mind not only in this but in many other areas. After the death of Cardinal I opened on the Gay Project forum a discussion about his books and his positions. Here you can read the discussion in English
All posts showed a deep respect for the man and his ideas. Remains, however, that Cardinal Martini has been a courageous voice very isolated, I would say a voice heard more by non-believers rather than by the Catholic community.
Frankly, it is not credible that the Catholic Church will change its position or maybe this process will take a long time. The fact remains that I see frequently guys strongly perplexed by the fact that what makes them happy is actually always presented as depravity, as mental illness or as a sin. For this reason, many young people, in full consciousness, decide to separate from the Church and begin to live their religion on their own looking for a true reconciliation of homosexuality and faith.
On Gay Project forum many guys believers have tried to show the way and the results of their inner search. The problem is serious and I think it is extremely interesting to see how it is dealt with in other countries with very different traditions.
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| GAY PORNOGRAPHY AND GAY MARGINALIZATION |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:33 PM - Forum: Gay discomfort
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Gay pornography, as all pornography, is an industrial activity that gets very heavy revenues and requires minimal capital commitments.
To build cars you need equipment, technologies and large investments, to produce a porno you need just a camera. As you want to improve the quality of activities using sophisticated technologies, it is still a business with minimal risk and high income. Let’s ask ourselves why. First, who are those who use pornography? The answer lies in the facts. First, we have to distinguish the situation of teenage boys from the situation of adults.
A teenager, 12/13/14 y. o., has a spontaneous strong curiosity for sex because he must grow, must understand what this thing that everyone talks about is.
Spontaneous sex curiosity should find clear answers first of all in the family, then in the school and in all the places the boy attends, but often families are totally uninformed, especially about homosexuality, or manifest forms of homophobia that discourage any attempt by a teenager to talk openly with his parents. Some parents react by sending the boy to complacent psychologists that promises a quick exit from homosexuality and still consider it a disgrace to have a gay son. In some northern European countries, according to what I have found talking to guys in those countries, there is a school education with a serious sex education, open and non-discriminatory, but unfortunately in many other countries, including Italy, sexuality is a topic completely ignored and homosexuality is a taboo which no one should speak about. According to the most reliable statistics homosexuals are about 8% of the population. In a school with 1000 students there are about 80 gay guys. You can easily see heterosexual couples who go around hand in hand, but you’ll never detect any affectionate behavior of a boy to another boy, which means that a straight guy has a chance to lead his affective life at school but a young gay man can’t at all. The other places often frequented by young gay guys, such as those related to religion, sports and politics, manifest repressive attitudes in relation to homosexuality similar to those of the school. If a young straight guy can find a young and can express affectionate attitudes towards her in public, a gay guy can’t do it in any environment. The same also applies to sexuality. The first approaches of a straight guy to a girl is considered absolutely normal, those of a gay guy to another guy entail serious risks of marginalization and definitely be labeled as gay, which in a society still strongly homophobic can have serious consequences. Where do they go then gay guys looking for answers to their natural sexual curiosity? Of course go to pornography, with the result that they identify homosexuality with pornography, so they lose their sense of emotional homosexuality and trivialize it learning, among other things, a sexuality that is very far from that of true gay couples where there is a strong emotional relationship.
And in the world of adults? In the world of adult pornography is a typical prerogative of men sexually frustrated. Those who live a fulfilling love life and sexuality does not need pornography. Unfortunately, many people, both straight and gay, do not have a love life and a fulfilling sexuality, especially gay married men, gay young adults who live in areas heavily homophobic, which are still very common, and I think also young gay adults passing through a series of stressing couple experiences, born more by the need not to be alone than from a true love relationship with their partners. In all these situations pornography is escaping from reality into a fantasy world where everything is easy.
In conclusion, the use of gay pornography is strongly correlated with the marginalization of homosexuals, with their lack of integration in education and society, and with the persistence of heavily frustrating situations. It is a vicious circle in which pornography spread a distorted and sex-centric homosexuality image that hampers social inclusion of gay people, increases marginalization and thus indirectly promotes further expansion of pornography.
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| ADVICE FOR PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:30 PM - Forum: Parents of gay boys
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This article aims to explain to the parents of gay children how their behavior is perceived by sons, so parents can get an idea of what to do and what not to do with a gay child.
When a guy is 14/15 y. o., and sometimes even before, he begins to have his own sex life, he discovers masturbation and, in the twenty-first century, inevitably, begins to make use of online pornography.
Simultaneously with the beginning of sexual activity, the boy feels two different needs, first and foremost the need for privacy, that is to have a reserved area and private times in which he is sure not to be disturbed, just to discover the sexuality, and the need to find reliable information regarding sexuality, that will provide him answers without putting him in embarrassing situations. For a guy who has just started masturbating, activity absolutely natural and necessary for the development of his sexuality, there is nothing more humiliating than to be surprised by the parents while masturbating or, worse, than the parents make him understand that they know what he does. When a boy grows, a parent must understand that it is absolutely inevitable that the boy has a “very private” sex life in which “no one” has the right to enter and “for no reason.” The first rule for a parent is to avoid the intrusiveness into the sexual life of the son and just keep a role as a “merely possible” point of reference for the son. A parent should not ask questions to his son concerning his sexuality; parents must not even embarrass him. And here, in the case of boys, fathers rather than mothers play a fundamental role. A mother does not know in deeply the development of male sexuality because she has not lived it directly and for a guy to talk about his sexuality with a person of the opposite sex, especially whit his mother, can be very embarrassing because the speech should be explicit. A father, if he thinks it makes sense to mention masturbation with his son, should not start from the son’s sexuality but from his own, pointing to the speech as a matter of course, that is not a taboo and accompanying the starting dialog (which must remain only a nod if the child does not continue the conversation) with a winking joke or a smile of relief. I reproduce below a fragment of dialogue between a father 45 y. o. and a 15 y. o. son.
Occasion: father and son have just seen a television service about the approaches to sexuality by the very young guys.
Father: Anyway, they are surprised so much that 14/15 y. o. boys know what is sex, when I was a kid, maybe did not have relationships like these guys today but, I mean, oh… in the end, well, it’s not mandatory to be two … (looks at his son smiling) … what have you got to laugh? … Wow yes, even I did such things … well I’m not a Martian!
Son (laughs).
End of discussion.
This fragment is a non-invasive approach that plays down and does not create embarrassment but almost a form of complicity. I note that in the phrase of the father there is no reference to sexual orientation (no mention of girls, which for a gay child might create alarm and embarrassment).
The approach to the sexuality of a child by the mother is much more problematic, especially if the boy is gay. If a guy “explicitly” wants to talk to her mother about sexuality “without involving the father,” the mother’s task isn’t to investigate and understand but to listen carefully and not anxiously to give the son a safety avoiding involving him in her own anxiety. When a mother does not know what to say to her son, or is in embarrassment, she can meanwhile calm him in a very simple way: when the talking about sexuality is over, the mother is not expected to resume it, which would be a sign of anxiety destabilizing, as to underline that there is a “problem” to solve, but must continue her relationship with his son as if nothing had happened, this to give sexuality a dimension of naturalness and normality that should always be the rule.
A particularly delicate situation is created when a teenage boy lives objectively a problematic approach to sexuality. These are typically situations where the parents come in anxiety states associated with the discomfort of their son. A parent who sees the discomfort of the child must wonder whether it is more important to relieve the state of distress of the child or “to know” how things are to be able to “help” the child. I state that, despite appearances, these situations are often irreconcilable. To help a child to overcome states of discomfort it is often necessary to understand that it’s better “not to know” the life of the son, in the concrete. If your son wants to talk to you about sexuality, he does spontaneously, if he does not, you have not to force him anyway. You can stay with him through the normal family caring: accompanying him by his friends without asking too many questions, leaving dinner ready when he comes back later, welcoming him with a smile. A parent cannot claim to help a son if the son does not involve him, because a guy is entitled to his privacy. A constant and loving presence that does not address sexual issues it’s much more important than a nagging presence that seeks to “know” and “understand” the way things are, because this behavior may lead to a total loss of communication with the son and to a behavior of reactive and radical separation from family.
If a parent has concerns about sexual orientation of his child, he must avoid to harass him and must instead reassure him avoiding to involve him in a bothering and embarrassing direct speech but through indirect hints of respect for the gay guys, hints that should not even be too insistent, because otherwise would sound false. The son understands perfectly if parents have a real respect for gay people or they pretend to have, so the most important thing for a parent is not to destabilize affectively his/her gay son, to obtain this result one must first be able to respect an show respect towards homosexuality. The parent should first questioning himself and his own preconceptions and only then should think that they can talk about these things with the child.
It is always good to take care of their sons in the first person, without delegating key tasks to anyone; nevertheless sometimes it happens that a parent, seeing the difficult situation of the son, addresses him to a psychologist who could provide support. A delicate point needs to be clarified: the relationship between a psychologist and his patient must be absolutely “confidential” that is “strictly personal”, a serious professional, even in a relationship with a minor patient, has the obligation of professional secrecy. Unfortunately, this requirement is not always respected and sometimes psychologists “in the interest of the boy” or better in the purported interest of the boy but objectively under direct or indirect pressure from parents, get to communicate to parents the homosexuality of their son “without his knowledge” breaking in a manner so violent the relationship of trust that could be very important for the boy. Such incorrect behaviors produce devastating effects for the boy who feels betrayed in a dimension that should be absolutely confidential. In this way, the psychologist, carefully chosen by the parents, becomes a spy for the parents, something that shows no respect for the boy, but only the will “to know at any cost” by the parents, violating the privacy of the son. I note that the relationship of a boy with a psychologist must remain absolutely confidential. Parents should not choose the psychologist and should never have to go to his studio before talks with the boy and even after. The relationship with the psychologist is not an appendage of the parent-child relationship, but something absolutely distinct and separate in which parents should not get into, worse than ever if the psychologist is a family friend. It is good to have the name of the psychologist by your GP and “never” ask the psychologist information about the boy, nor ask the boy a judgment on the psychologist. I happen several times to speak to guys, sent to a psychologist by their parents; sometimes they do not trust the psychologist. In these cases, the approach of the psychologist is not only useless but strongly counterproductive.
In accordance with the importance of the privacy of the children, we should be aware that if a parent has doubts about the sexuality of the son, he/she must keep those doubts absolutely to himself/herself, it’s a wrong thing to talk about with her husband/his wife, and it’s much more to be avoided to speak about with separated spouse especially if he/she hasn’t a good contact with the child.
A parent should not interfere in the relationship of the child with his classmates and his friends, when a child makes a house party and invites his classmates, parents, if not directly called into question by the son, must maintain marginal, low-profile behavior, they must avoid getting intimate with friends and classmates of the son and for no reason should seek information about the son from his friends or his companions. Putting a son in terms of embarrassment with his classmates or his friends creates a break in the relationship between parents and son that is difficult to repair. Terrible and hideous are situations in which a gay young man who has confided privately with his parents realizes that his other relatives “know about his sexuality” and that the source of the news was his father or his mother, unable to maintain the confidentiality.
I’ve seen many times parents scared that their son was openly gay, the more typical reaction of false acceptance is to say that “It is only a transitional phase that will pass and then everything will return to normal”, but there are also other reactions of typical non-acceptance: “Go to a psychologist and see what you can do.”, “Are you sure?”, “But you’re not gay, you say it just to provoke me.” In these situations it is obvious that parents should solve their problems about the rejection of homosexuality before thinking of being “helpful” for their children. The verb “help”, used in relation to gay children only underlines the problematic dimension of being gay, problematic dimension that exists only to the extent that we see being gay as a problem. The problems of being gay rises with the ignorance of the matter and with increasing levels of anxiety for parents who want at all costs “help” the child to solve a “problem” that does not really exist and want to “save” him from an indefinite number of dangers about which they know nothing at all.
If one thing a parent has a sacred duty to do, it’s to make clear to the son that health must be safeguarded in every sexual activity because it is something absolutely essential. Prevention should not be addressed in a general way with a vague “Be careful!” but in a competent way, talk to his/her parent can help a boy a lot in order to obtain reliable and accurate information. If a parent does not feel sufficiently informed he/she can update specifically on the website of the Ministry of Health.
A growing boy, especially a gay boy, should not be involved for no reason in aggressive situations, especially if aggressive situations are related to his being gay.
I still sometimes talk with concerned mothers who don’t want her husband to know of his son’s homosexuality because he would react in a violent way. A scene and worse than ever a slap given by the father to a gay boy because he’s gay, involves the understandable break-down of father-son relationship. One is amazed at how, even today, there are violent reactions of fathers to the homosexuality of their children and also by parents with high level education but who apparently are completely ignorant about sexuality and are not even able to stay from violence and to think like civilized people.
I have often seen as contentious relationship with parents can be conditioning and oppressive on gay sons well beyond the limits of adolescence. It is hugely significant that when it takes place, coming out with parents is always the last in chronological order and in any case the guys who say openly to their parents that they are gay are not more than 3%.
The basic meaning of this article can be condensed into two principles that parents of a gay child should never forget:
1) A parent before addressing homosexuality with his/her son should ask himself/herself what is his/her personal attitude on the matter, should seriously wonder if he/she knows what it is or if only presumes to know, and if he/she realizes do not have clear ideas, he/she in person, should look before to clear ideas. He/she must look first to clarify whether his attitude is really of acceptance or behind seemingly conciliatory words do not hide homophobic views (homosexuality as a disease to be cured, as a vice to be overcome, as sin to be avoided).
2) A parent, after reaching a full understanding of what homosexuality is, must respect “without exception” the privacy of the child, being present and available but never in intrusive manner, and understanding that the sexuality of the son belongs only to the son and never to the parent, and that the desire to protect the son is likely to make him unable to react independently or to take him to a position of open break with the family.
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| SEX BETWEEN A GAY AND A STRAIGHT |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:27 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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Hello Project,
I am a 17 y. o. guy, almost 18, and I think I’m gay or better I’m gay because girls leave me completely indifferent. Let me tell you my story, I do not know if such thing has happened to other guys but in practice it has occupied my brain for more than two years. When I was in ninth grade, I had already an interest in the lads and I only masturbated thinking of guys I liked but I never really fell in love with a boy and even less with a girl. Let’s say that my interest was just sexual, or maybe it was because it could not be otherwise. So, in April 2010, tenth grade, the school trip comes, I clearly slip right in because I think that maybe something could also happen, staying a long time with other boys something could really happen, I don’t say sex, but perhaps to see them naked, or at least in underwear, which for me would have been a great deal. We had to be out four nights, the first we have done very late, because of disco and we returned to the hotel at about three in the night, so we collapsed to sleep, the second night they were too drunk, vomited on the floor, just a deficient behavior. The good thing came the third night. We were in room, three guys, and three other guys came, so we were six, all male, and they started to talk about sex, but seriously. I wondered how they could speak so casually, just without any problems. Basically I was just listening to them, they were talking about everything they felt for girls, how they were trying to touch girls and be touched when they could, that they masturbated thinking about girls. I would never have been able to talk like that. They were talking for more than three hours, they were just happy, you could see that it was something that put them at their ease. One of my roommates was erect and remained there this way all the time, staying with them and hearing them talk, I too was hard but even if it they had realized, in a situation like that, it would not be a problem because we were talking about girls. Then I’m gay, and no one knows but if I say no one could believe. I’ve never had the problem that someone thinks I’m gay and now I begin to have the opposite problem, that some girls might think that I’m courting them. Girls run behind me and this embarrasses me a lot. So that evening for me was a great night even if I realized that my intimacy with my friends was all based on a misunderstanding, but nevertheless I tried an almost sexual intimacy with my friends that I loved. The last night I was in a two bed room and happened what you can imagine, my friend started talking about girls then the conversation went on sex, just a little more physical sex, and it turned out that we masturbated mutually. For me it was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. It lasted little more than 10 minutes. I was just upset that I could do a similar thing with my companion and I had begun to think that in the end he was gay, because he said it was very nice. Then we went to sleep. I did not sleep, I mentally went over all the sensations of a few minutes before, I was convinced that my partner was gay and I was extremely happy because he was the guy that I liked best of all my companions. I wanted to let him know that I loved him, that I was in love with him and so on. The morning was quiet as if nothing had happened, I try to give him a smile, but he is quite busy with other things since the last hike of the trip, camera etc.. etc.. and not even looks at me, but not deliberately, just as he was natural, then he answers me in a friendly way but, let’s say, ordinary friendly. The tour ends, school starts, all is regular as if nothing had happened between us, I know better than to make speeches. In practice, for two years we have not talked about such things, but this year we went on a trip together and we ended up in the same room, now he’s in love with a girl, or rather he is in love with a girl who doesn’t even look and him and he feels really bad, we have also talked seriously during the trip and one night he was just about to start crying, that girl is now practically his fixation, but the trouble is that she is not his girlfriend. I tried to comfort him as a “straight” good friend who can give advice to his friend on how to deal women. At one point I took all the courage I had and I said, “Do you remember two years ago?” He told me that he remembered that night six of us in a room talking about girls and that was beautiful. But he did not seem to remember what had happened between us, then he smiled and made it clear that he remembered but concluded: “Anyways, at that time we were kids!” I nodded with a smile as if to say “Yes It is true.”, however his line to devalue the thing for me has been a stab in the heart, I was hoping that the trip this year was an opportunity to clarify and instead it was an opportunity for me to realize that if I do not know that a guy is gay, it’s better not have any illusion. I realized that the same fact for me and for him had a completely different meaning, it seemed to me the beginning of a love story, for him it was something stupid suitable for kids. But, remembering that night, I lived two intense years, daydreaming, waiting for a sign from him, interpreting everything he said assuming he was gay. At least now I opened my eyes.
If you want to, well, publish this e-mail. Thank you for everything you do!
Aldo (invented name but I like it because I’m high! Ih ih!)
[In Italian “high” = “Alto” sounds something like “Aldo” (a name)]
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| IF GAY MASTURBATION BECOMES A PROBLEM |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:25 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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In my conversations in chat with gay guys of all ages, masturbation is a recurring theme and obviously it is not surprising, I’ve already spoken about that many times from various points of view, I intend now to focus on a specific issue that is on masturbation when it becomes a “problem.”
In the vast majority of cases, the guys live gay masturbation as a very positive moment. Masturbation for a gay guy, who does not live in couple and usually has no sexual contacts with unknown persons, is the only way to live his sexuality.
Masturbation continues to play a key role of true and free sexuality also beyond couple’s relationship, especially if couple’s relationship is random. Masturbation is so important that the couple’s sex life of a gay guy is much more satisfactory if the couple’s sex is very close to the masturbatory fantasies. A guy who leaves his masturbatory fantasies with his partner and when the partner is not there, lives them during the masturbation, is a guy sexually fulfilled.
A guy who has sex with a guy and masturbates thinking of another is living in a stressing situation and his sexual relationship is clearly not free. The discomfort is much deeper when a guy who has a heterosexual couple’s life nevertheless masturbates thinking about guys. In this sense, masturbation is an indicator of the quality of the couple’s sex life.
In most cases, masturbation, just because is felt as a manifestation of deep sexuality, is lived with strong participation, often much stronger than the one that takes place in the couple’s life. Discomfort, in these cases, doesn’t affect masturbation in itself, but the non-correspondence of masturbatory fantasies with the couple sexuality.
There is, however, also a discomfort associated with masturbation in itself. In order to understand what we are talking about, we have to think about masturbation and its positive profiles in physiological and psychological terms, these two aspects should always be considered in a unified way, but for simplicity I’ll present them separately.
First, in physiological terms, pleasure is related to the erection, to penis stimulation and to the steps leading up to the orgasm. The orgasm represents the maximum intensity phase of sexual pleasure, but also the last phase of masturbation, after which erection is lost and the guy enters a refractory phase in which, for not very short a period of time, it is almost impossible to have a second orgasm. The refractory phase is typically a phase of maximum relaxation and guys who masturbate in bed at night know that after masturbation they fall asleep easily. All guys learn by practice to postpone orgasm as much as possible, just in order to take all possible pleasure from masturbation.
Masturbation is matter of ordinary administration in the lives of all guys, gay and straight, but especially for gay guys, when you consider that for them, and even more when they are very young, couple sexuality is more the exception than the rule. The ordinariness of masturbation leads to its frequency in the majority of cases daily.
The psychological sexual fantasies, usually based on memories of early experiences related to sexuality, help to maintain the erection focusing concentration on the deepest sexual content. Sexual fantasies don’t meet generally obstacles or external impediments of any kind (moral, religious or other) and represent the absolute sexual spontaneity of the guy.
Masturbation is also useful to respond to states of emotional or sexual arousal that cannot be resolved any other way. This is the classic example of the guy who goes to the gym, sees his friends naked in the locker room, then goes home and masturbates reliving those moments.
The inconveniences related to masturbation are manifested in various ways and degrees. At indicative level only we could summarize them as follows:
1) Lack of masturbation (for longer or shorter periods, on the order of months), when a guy, who has not a sex couple’s life, does not prove any interest in masturbation. This is usually symptom of major diseases and not merely of psychological problems. I refer, however, always to guys who have already experienced masturbation and not to particular situations such as those associated with the hypersensitivity of the glans which means that for physical reasons a guy, even now fully adult, may not have ever practiced masturbation.
2) Refusal of masturbation (for longer or shorter periods, for a week or more), when a guy, who has a sex couple’s life, even though feels a strong internal urge to masturbate (erection returns despite the attempt to repress it, sexual fantasies come back to bite, despite the attempt to repress them) puts in place a deliberate attempt to resist and does not masturbate. These are typical cases of self-sexual repression and the problem is typically psychological.
3) Strong variability in the frequency of masturbation when the masturbation is not considered as something normal but as something exceptional.
4) Absence of masturbation in presence of sexual situations that normally lead to masturbation. When a guy who has been involved in situations that are usually sexually stimulating does not masturbate thinking about that situations and dissociates the experience, even normally sexually involving, from masturbation.
5) Masturbation almost exclusively with physical stimulation without or with reduced emotional participation. In this case, the aim is not the pleasure, but the orgasm, or rather the refractory phase that follows it, as if the guy wanted to download sexuality. Masturbation in these situations is short, lasting a few minutes or less than one, is not rewarding either at physical or psychological level and is followed by moments of disgust and discomfort.
6) Masturbation preceded, accompanied and followed by feelings of guilt, as if you were in contravention of a general principle.
When a guy goes through periods of deep stress or of inner tearing conflicts or for various causes his psychological balance is significantly compromised, sexuality is affected and the problems of masturbation emerge. When the guy newly finds his psychological balance, masturbation returns to be fully satisfactory and pleasant.
What are the typical situations in which disorders of masturbation are detected? I list a few.
1) When a guy who had a hetero sex life realizes that his masturbatory fantasies are gay, is inclined to think that his gay sexual interests depend only on masturbation and eliminating masturbation his sexuality would return 100% hetero. The masturbation is incorrectly seen in this case as a recessive condition in relation to heterosexual couple sexuality.
2) Reasons of religious often affect guys very heavy about masturbation, but the statement: “I am very religious, so I do not masturbate” with which the guy justifies the rejection of masturbation, should often be reversed: “because I’m sexually inhibited I’m very religious.” Often sexual inhibition doesn’t really depend on religion, but sexually inhibited guys are pleasant to be in environments where the rejection of masturbation is indeed a value.
3) The denial of sexuality avoiding masturbation is a sign of psychological dependence on authorities or on value systems that require total obedience and conformity to a well-defined path. It matters little that this claim is true only perceived.
4) The devaluation of masturbation, reduced to purely physical matter, and the absence of masturbatory reactions in situations that typically entail are sometimes associated with depressive phases or depressive mood tones.
What can we do? As usual I will respond schematically. A masturbation disorder is not a disease but a symptom. Where there are not serious diseases but only sexual psychological problems, we should always keep in mind that sexual well-being is achieved only in a context of a general psychological well-being. So putting aside completely the idea of treating the symptom without considering the overall balance, I would say that the first thing to do is to make possible a real socialization of guys so that they cannot feel alone and they never lack the debate on any subject and in particular on the subject of masturbation that must be defused and presented in a dimension of absolute normality. Talking about masturbation is not a taboo, but one of the few smart things you can do to take the guys to a view of sexuality as a dimension of ordinary life, and this is even truer for gay guys who need to feel respected and loved for what they really are.
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| I REALIZED I WAS GAY AT THE AGE OF 40 |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:20 PM - Forum: Understand to be gay
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Hello Project,
Gladly send you the post that you asked me, basically I just changed previous mails a bit, but the essence is still the same. If you think it’s ok you can publish. I’d be delighted if it could help someone.
Mario
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Hello Project,
you cannot imagine how I feel embarrassed to write this mail, even though I know I owe you this mail, I’ve already tried several times to write but at the end I deleted everything, I could not absolutely send it to you, but this time I take my courage in both my hands and I do. My name is Mario and I turned 40 a few months ago. People who know me envy me. I have a great job that takes me up almost completely. I used to think that to have little time to think of myself was a fortune but now I’ve changed my mind. I am single and until recently I thought that I would be single for the rest of my life. I have a home that I began to pay more than 10 years ago. In theory, what you see, I should be happy. I try to look sure of myself because with the work I do it’s important but until recently, when I was alone were moments of total depression. But I try to explain why. I always thought to be straight or better to be nothing. Between 18 and 20 years old I had my first and only girlfriend. It seems superfluous and obvious to say that between us there has never been sex, but there has never been even love and now these things are far away. I’m always very gallant with the girls but I avoid any involvement in any way, and so happened before, at least from 30 years onwards. I had never thought of being gay and I haven’t even raised the issue. My erotic fantasies where always on the girls, but things were forced, at a conscious level at least, nevertheless I never felt gay repressed. For the guys I did not feel anything. I read your article on masturbation as a problem http://gayproject2.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/if-gay-masturbation-becomes-a-problem/ and there I found myself perfectly (I feel embarrassed to talk about these things). In practice for me masturbation was often a frustrating self-constraint and then I preferred to do it without thinking about anything as a kind of strictly physiological need my desire had nothing to do with. A few months ago I started to surf the internet to understand why masturbation was just a problem for me (Project, please understand that, 40 y. o., I’m in a titanic effort to go ahead and write these things) and I found that your article, but in the headline you were talking about “gay” masturbation, I was tempted to read it but then I thought: “But I’m not gay!” And I have not read. It may seem absurd, but I systematically avoided gay sites, all, of any kind. I was holding pretty much just working, I was in the office all day and sometimes even at night but I was starting to feel really badly, I was always nervous even if I had to be highly controlled. You can imagine how depressing it was for me to try to masturbate. It was then that I ended up back on your post about masturbation as a problem, I plucked up courage and I read it even though it was written for gay people. The more I read the more was the heartbeat, I was anxious to get to the end, and then I started surfing a little your gay project forum that is enormous (but how did you gather all the documentation?) I was reading and never getting tired of reading, reading those things even from the outside, but I continued to read and the fact that were gay things not rejected me. I was reading I was amazed as but positive. I wondered how could be falling in love with a boy? But I did not think it as a taboo. I have read a lot from blogs and forum, then I started to do some research about masturbation and I discovered that you mention it many times, and then I read the gay love stories and seemed fine. Then I thought I was reading an explicitly gay site but I kept reading and reading was extremely interesting, in practice I have been there all night, the more I went on the more I was intrigued. I had never read any site with the same interest. The next evening I continued. I thought “But how do these people talk about so intimate things with such ease? Then I read the posts of those who find themselves gay late and there my brain is set in motion at a different pace and I thought: what if it was? I was puzzled, I will not deny it, but it was still possible. Meanwhile, as the brain was on this hypothesis, I continued to read the blog but much less from the outside. I read the post about gay sexuality, about gay soft sexuality, and I explicitly said: “Well, should be nice!” I said to myself that making love with a guy like that would be nice! Before I never would have imagined, but I began to fantasize about those things and I did not feel fear or disgust, I figured just get a guy to my house, to hug him, then take him to the kitchen, cooking together, talking about everything, but knowing that we’re both gay, and then to see him smiling. I smiled at the thought of seeing a gay smiling while in my house. My world seemed upside down, I imagined stroking his hand slightly during dinner. Then I would sit on the couch and he would lay resting head on my lap and I could stroke his face. There is only one thing of which I am a bit ashamed, the boy I imagined was 20, maximum 25 y. o.. Who knows why, but I do not think I could fall in love with a man my age. Well, beautiful thoughts of great tenderness, I thought that if I had had an erection it would be a good thing but nothing happened, my sexuality would not be miraculously resurrected non even by my blessed gay fantasies I had just discovered I liked, because seemed so sweet to me. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that I would even accepted to be gay if my sexuality had awakened. But it did not happen and I thought it would still be another frustration. I came back very disappointed to read the site but it was already late and I went to bed and, contrary to all expectations, for the first time in my life I had an erotic dream, and a gay erotic dream. I dreamed I was in the war, perhaps Vietnam War, I do not know, I was alone and I was returning to the camp on foot from a dangerous mission. There are dead everywhere, I hear a moan, I approach, it’s a soldier who I don’t know, he cannot make it to speak but he is alive, I cannot leave him there, I must take him with me but I’m dead tired, at the end I take him in my arms and start to go toward our camp, but I’m really tired and I’m afraid that my heart bursts. I go along with the energy of despair, at some point I feel him inert, as if he was dead, just breathes, he has lost a lot of blood I’m in a terrible desperation, I start to cry and scream, a van to transport injured passes close to me, we climb up then we arrive at the camp. I begged that he would not die, a young guy, a little more than 20 y. o., the doctor sees him and says he is dead. I am sure that he’s not and I take the doctor by his neck and threaten him badly. The doctor is convinced and they try to revive him but do not allow me to follow them. I wait with anxiety. Half an hour later the doctor comes out and says “The guy has a thick skin; we’ll see how he will react in the coming hours.” The dream that, at the beginning, had all the appearance of the nightmare left me a glimmer of hope. Then everything changes, that guy is in the hospital, but he is conscious, I shake his hand to comfort him, he opens his eyes and says: “I’m afraid!” I shook his hand, then it is evening and the memory is very confused. Finally, he’s with me at my house, sitting on the couch, he’s fine, smiles, then I feel excited but I dare not say anything, just look at him for a moment in his eyes, he lights up and opens his arms. At that point I woke up with my heart beating and I was erect, but just as it should be, something quite unusual for me. You can imagine what I did; they were many years that I felt things that intensity, in fact I think I had never felt before. It seemed incredible. I was about to ask the doctor for viagra. I said: “My sexuality is not dead! I’m gay! And I realized that at 40! Luckily for me, my fears prevented me from making choices with no return as marriage.” I was totally shocked but happy. “Gay! Yes! No problem!” I repeated amazed because I didn’t even think it was a problem. I think I did the first huge step forward, at least I know who I am. Project, I have read far and wide the forum but it is just me having to understand many things. I have no illusions about anything … and I know that I woke up very late at 40 but at least I woke up. It seems paradoxical, but in recent days I have spent much less time at work and more time to do something that I could not do before. I am not ashamed, I’m sorry to be just arrived so late because I missed some important occasions. Now, reading the stories of the guys in the forum I realize I’m reading just like a man who knows exactly what it is. I’ve never been in love with a guy or should I say not yet, on the other hand three weeks are not yet elapsed since I realized who I am.
Project, I thank you, I had to.
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Hello Project,
You do not know how I had been waiting for a reply to my first email, I thought it would not come, but then it came and I loved the idea of sexuality as something normal (“the pathological is the taboo!” It’s true!). The chat last night was beautiful. Only a month ago I would never have imagined being able to speak freely about my sexuality at this point, in the end it is as you say, I realized that I lived imprisoned for 25 years because of the fear of ghosts. I feel an incredible sense of lightness and freedom. The project, as you call it, is unique and is a very important thing, for me has been really crucial. Do not give up! Got it! Sometimes, perhaps, you will get tired, but you can give a little peace of mind to many people, with me it happened.
A hug, Project! (I’ll call you next Friday, because I go out for work)
Mario
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| GAY FRIENDS AND GAY LOVERS |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:11 PM - Forum: Gay couples
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Hello Project,
I am 31 year old (I wanted to write a guy 31 y. o. but I had better to write a man 31 y. o. and I have not written neither guy nor man). I am writing to tell you that reading gay project sites helped me find my balance. I get to the fact. Now six years ago, when I was 25, so completely random, I happened to know a 21 year old guy. I felt gay from the beginning of the adolescence but for me being gay was limited to the imagination, a few videos and a little self-made sex. For me, the guys were just an object of fantasy; I had never met a gay guy. In practice, I thought it would always be so and somehow I had adapted to the situation, then, suddenly, he arrived. We met in July 14, 2007 at Vasco Rossi concert at the stadium of Conero (both of us are from Marche [an Italian region on the Adriatic sea]). There was a huge crowd that strobe lights on and off to the beat of the music. I notice him immediately, is a nice guy quite wild, I’m trying to figure out who are those of his group, I identify a couple, a guy and a girl, but they are on their way. At the very beginning of the concert were all clapping to the music, he too, on the contrary I was not, he looks at me and says, “Come on! Clap your hands you too! What are you waiting for? Rock out! “I look at him puzzled but smiling, he replies with a smile that I will never forget. The concert goes on; occasionally we exchange a few eyes and a few jokes. It’s just a wonderful guy or better if I had to dream about my ideal guy I would dream of someone just like him. He had come there with that guy and that girl but he was on his own. The game looks, though very prudent, became more apparent. The concert ends he goes by his friends and they exchange a few words, then he hags them and they leave. He asks me if I can give him a ride, I say, “Sure,” He says “It’s far, near Falconara, I say that there is no problem. We went out and got on the road. Stay in the car with him upsets me, he laughs, jokes, says absurd jokes, but I see that he is perfectly at ease. The trip is short, we were only talking about Vasco and the concert, then tells me to be an engineering student, I tell him that I should get a degree in medicine, but I think it will take almost two more years. The conversation is never personal. I accompany him near his house; I noted that my faculty is close to his home, we exchange phone numbers and a handshake absolutely non-formal. Then I go back home and think about how nice it would be to have such a guy so close. The next day (it was Sunday) he calls me early in the morning and asks me if I want to go to sea with him, I say yes and we set an appointment in front of a beach in Falconara. When he arrived, he (I’ll call him Luke) is already there, he brought along his guitar, I ask him if he plays, he says that strums, but then to hear him play I have to say that sounds pretty good. He carries a camping bag with sandwiches and drinks also for me. We take an umbrella and we lay on the sand. In swimsuit he is just beautiful but I know that I should not watch him too much. We then began to tell each other of our lives, we talked about everything but not about girls, no girls for him nor for me, friends yes, but rather superficially, both for him and for me. That a guy like him did not have girls was suspect. I avoided ask him specific questions, but a nice guy like him could have had all the girls he wanted, and if he had asked me to go to the beach with him it was obvious that he hadn’t a girlfriend. Staying close to him in a bathing suit was embarrassing and I had to force myself to avoid visible reactions in that department, no reaction for him instead. This fact made me think that all the castles in the air that I was doing on him did not make any sense. But, I do short, practically we went along going to the beach every day for two weeks, I did not know what to think but I had the impression that he cared. I never called him, he always called me, but in the end Luke knew that whatever his proposal was I would have said yes in any case. On August 1, I do remember it was a Wednesday, at the end of the day, while I was accompanying him home he said, “I have to tell you, I’m gay.” He added any question, I answered. “Me too.” He had a long and emphatic sigh of satisfaction, and then added: “I’m fine with you, just fine, but I’m not in love with you.” I said: “What a pity! I really would have liked to!” He asked me: “Do you want to come to the beach tomorrow?” I said: “Sure!” Then he changed the subject as if nothing had happened. The speech of August 1st was quite upsetting. That “I’m not in love with you” weighed a ton but staying with Luke was really good, we knew each other better now and I was fascinated, and then I had the impression that my presence for him, in some way, was important. We continued to go to the sea throughout August, he told me to be in love with a university colleague of his but that this guy had a girlfriend. Luke seemed dependent on this guy who did not even realize what was going through the Luke’s head, it was just terrible, he felt unlucky, he thought that no one would ever want to love him and said that he would spend all his life alone and he seemed convinced, sometimes he came in crying. He was sending to hell the university, was so dominated by emotional reactions that the rest ended up in nothing. We went on like that until the end of September, and then he told me he had felt sexual desires on me, that was not in love but needed pampering and that he thought I was the right person because he felt safe with me. I here started to get scared, I had never had sex with anyone (neither did he), first he attracted me, but that “I’m not in love with you” held me back a lot, I tried to tell him but he said he was just like that and that he would never deceive me and could not promise anything. In short, these discussions have been going on until January, and then he set aside the talk and took the initiative. I noticed that he was really sexually involved and had involved me too. Making love with Luke has been an experience absolutely incomparable to any other, it was a total melt. For a gay man, there is nothing more beautiful than to embrace a guy, kiss him and feel him deeply sexually involved. Its’ not something only physical, you can feel that there is a mutual reliance, no embarrassment and no script to play. You realize that you can somehow make the guy feel good and realize he is just like you that reacts the same way. So certainly I’ll never forget those moments, because they were exciting beyond imagination. It went on this way until September 2008, then he told me that he was falling in love with another guy (I’ll call Lorenzo); he told also he knew that I would have felt bad and he wanted still maintain a relationship with me because he loved me. I knew it was not a way of saying to liquidate me and tried to facilitate him in any way in order to avoid the discomfort of a break, and in fact there was no discomfort. We called each other less but continued to call. Sometimes he told me that he remembered when we made love and he would like to do it again, but now he had his boyfriend who would take it badly. I saw him all in all quite happy, and he had begun to study hard. The guy loved him really but perhaps, for him, was a bit too possessive. This went on for three years, and then it was over, ending up as the stories of Luke, which basically never end. Then he found another guy but it was a very short period, then another but in practice there was not even the beginning. Luke, talking to me, always told that if for him to be in couple had no sense with Lorenzo would never have had with anyone else because he loved Lorenzo, but for Lorenzo he had never had the sexual involvement he had felt for the straight guy that never looked at him. A year and a half so far Luke does not have a boyfriend, we talk quite often, we talk about the university but also about us, how we feel inside and we talk with the utmost sincerity, I see him well determined; he studies seriously and now being close to graduation spurs him even more. I think that to say that we’re just friends is an understatement, these are things that go beyond friendship, who knows, maybe it could take some time to make love again but not as a couple but as two people who want to well and need a special moment of intimacy. It is not a matter of sex, but it is a deep emotional need, because I think that we really love each other. I would say that if such a thing, that is making love, also would happen between Luke and Lorenzo I would not be upset at all. I think that many times we have mental structures from which we cannot escape. The gays do not have children and a couple almost like married couples is not good for us, if it is good by itself ok, otherwise the emotional life finds its ways. I do not feel frustrated but I would feel badly if I did not feel Luke’s love, spending hours and hours with him talking about his and my problems. These things are not at all stupid. Sex is a beautiful thing and thanks to Luke I realized it, but the idea of building emotional life of the gay couple can sometimes create more problems than anything else. There are many ways very real and very deep to love each other without being a couple. Of course there is the problem of prevention and it is true that the closed couple, if it is really closed, puts the risk to zero, but also sexual contact, can have a deep sentimental value also avoiding to involve risky behavior. The sweetness in living sex does exist even in things that are risk-free. I know that my story is not the usual story of a gay guy who finds his charming prince, but this way I feel realized and happy, because I know that Luke loves me and this apparently low-profile love will last forever!
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| HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCES FROM GAY AND STRAIGHT POINT OF VIEW |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:08 PM - Forum: Gay orientation
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Hello Project,
I am a 22 y. o. guy, and even at my age, I have serious doubts about my sexuality. I feel emotionally led to the girls, I fall in love with girls, I’m fine with girls and sometimes I even had sex with girls, although relationships were little exciting for me, but I still cannot masturbate thinking about a girl. I tried several times but it is as if there was some sort of resistance, on the contrary when I had sex with a girl it somehow worked. I also tried with hetero porn but even there I do not feel any real involvement. I masturbate only thinking about guys or, rarely, watching gay porn. The fantasies of masturbation are almost all related to two incidents that I think have deeply affected my sex life. The first incident happened when I was 15 y. o. and the second when I was almost 19. Up to 15 years I had always thought to be straight and I masturbated thinking about girls, without much enthusiasm to tell the truth, but really only about girls. When I was 15, during a trip organized by the school, I found myself in a room with another guy, there weren’t as usually two separate beds but only a double bed. At first it seemed a bit strange to me, but I had slept a few other times with my mates in similar situations. When we went to bed we started to talk about sexual matters and tell each other everything, even the fact that we masturbated thinking about girls. Then, I asked him if, when he did it, he used to think only about girls and he told me that sometimes he thought about some guy, it seemed strange to him but he had thought also about guys and after all he told it would be a pleasant thing, not like with girls, but it would be nice anyway. I did not expect an answer like that, so direct and honest. Then he asked me if I thought only about girls and I did not have the heart to lie and I told him that when I masturbated I used to think only about girls but that, for me, thinking about sex with a guy was not something disgusting as many young guys say and that, indeed, what he had just told me did not seem so strange to me. I asked him whether he was gay and he said that he felt fully straight but he thought that so many straight guys do sometimes sex with their friends, even just to play. I said, “Well, yes, I think that happens.” Then I asked him if he was excited to stay in bed with me and he said yes, and I asked if I could check, he said: Go! And I picked his c..k up. Then he asked if I was excited and I told him that I was as well, and at this point he picked up mine. It turned out that we masturbated each other. Then it did not happen anything similar even if I wanted to violently, he continued to be with his girlfriend and we never again talked about, between us nothing changed. But for me, everything had changed because what had happened had been a very strong and quite a natural experience, without being forced from either side. After that day, I put aside fantasies about girls and I started to masturbate only remembering that night. But it was not all so easy, I was convinced I was gay and I cursed that night because if it had not happened I would have been a normal straight guy and had a life like that of all the other guys. And instead that night had changed my life. Two things made me feel bad, first of all I did not accept that my life could be so violently impressed by something like that and then I did not understand why the life of the guy with whom I had done such things instead was not changed at all. Why had I to be gay because of something like that and that guy was not? I have done everything to find a girl to love, then, finally, at 17, it happened. I knew a beautiful girl who fell in love with me, cuddled me and inspired me so much tenderness, she devoted herself to me with affection and I at the end, when I had just turned 18, had sex with her for the first time in the sense that we touched each other and then we came to masturbate each other. I was excited and I thought that I was not gay, then I came home but I felt strange, That evening I didn’t want to masturbate recalling the usual night with that guy, I wanted to do it thinking about my girl and I tried in every way, but couldn’t even maintain my erection, I felt dazed, then went back to the usual fantasies and so I came to the end. I told myself that things could not go this way, now I had a girlfriend and I had to delete all of masturbation because it was only a thing to kids and now I had to live an adult sexuality. With the best effort I could I put aside the solitary masturbation and limited myself to be masturbated by my girlfriend, then after a month I for once masturbated alone always thinking about that night. Things went on like that for a few months and I did everything I could to completely erase the memory of that damn night, then something new and unexpected happened, I know a wonderful guy and I’m fascinated though I try to avoid him because I do not want to be gay, then I start to look for information on this guy to get an idea a little more complete. I am told that he hasn’t a girlfriend and has never had but he never even had strange behavior. After resisting for a while I began to masturbate thinking about this guy and started to give him a court ruthless but fair, and he realizes it. One day I invited him for a weekend of camping and he accepts. The night we talk in the tent, the embarrassment is very strong, then I say that “maybe” I took half a crush on him, that is, in fact, I say only that he is a beautiful guy and I like him a lot then I ask him if he’s gay, he says he’s straight and has a girlfriend, who is now away for a semester because she is studying in another city, then he asks me if I’m gay and I say that I have a girlfriend, he replies: “… I think my life I will be with my girlfriend … well even I like you … but of course we are a bit strange the two of us …” then things went on and we ended up masturbating each other. In the end he concludes: “Of course a girl would never be able to do that as well a guy does…” And so it all ends. I think he is gay and in the following days I begin to pester him and he tells me that it happened but that he is not gay and that does not feel right to go forward, then he almost begins to escape me, not to be longer found, not to answer the phone and I fell very disappointed. Of course with my girlfriend all went wrong. Now I’m alone to lick my wounds. I just cannot understand how that experience, when I was 15, may have upset so my life. Why should I be gay for a so absurd reason? Even now I want a girl, but then, at sexual level, I realize that now for me it’s impossible to live a satisfactory sexuality with a girl. What do you think Project?
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| I WAS STRAIGHT AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO BE GAY |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 02:04 PM - Forum: Understand to be gay
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Hello Project,
I discovered Gay Project recently and I was really amazed, in practice there is nothing like this on the internet. I spent long nights reading. It is a treasure trove of things that I have never found anywhere else and are just the same as I am to live now. I admit that for the first time I did not feel alone. I’m 24, almost 25, until very recently, I never imagined being able to write an email like this, that is, an email to a gay site. I saw a lot of things marked as gay but I really didn’t like such things. I thought I’d be the one to be strange, then I came here and I told myself that gay people like me exist and that they are not so strange. In practice, up to 24 y. o. I did everything to convince myself to be straight. Up to 19/20 I didn’t even realize the significance of certain things. I had a girlfriend but I masturbated thinking about guys, I had a girlfriend and we used to have sex too, not really exciting but not disappointing. So I just had to say: I’m straight. I had a friend, Mark (false name), we were always together, I was with my girlfriend when I could not stay with Mark. Mark is 100% straight and this made almost impossible to approach him anyway, nevertheless we were good together, but without any reference to sex, even if I masturbated thinking about him and I did it quite naturally as a thing that in loving friendship can be great. Gay men I saw on TV or on the internet were very different from me, and so the idea of being gay didn’t even cross my mind. Then Mark found a girl and I lost most of his company and then I poured on my girlfriend, sex with her was not that bad after all and I’ve never taken het as a last resort, at least up to a year ago, let’s say we looked like the typical engaged couple, even her parents had taken it well, but I was always thinking about guys, every time I saw one I liked, I took heart sank, but I couldn’t even tell her anything, things went on like this for months but I slowly lost interest in sex with my girlfriend, technically everything worked, but I just was thinking about something else. Her parents and my parents started talking about marriage and there I started to feel really very uncomfortable. At this point, what should I do? I should have said what was going on, that is, the first, to admit to be gay in front of myself and then in front of my girl, and perhaps it would have been the obvious thing to do, but I did a crazy thing, I told myself that if I had a son I would come to accept the idea of marriage. My girlfriend now assumed that we would get married, the families also took it for granted, and so, when I said I wanted a son she was happy, but there I just started to have erection problems and I got lots of psychological problems. I didn’t think at all that the fact of having gay fantasies could be important, things had always gone well with my girlfriend and at some point no longer worked but this problem began to emerge gradually and in fact my girlfriend got pregnant, she was still happy and a little me too, but I realized I did not lust after her and my own sexuality was oriented towards a different direction and I began to realize it in a very obvious way, with her I did not have an erection but at the gym I just had to see a nice guy and could not contain my erection. From there I got it. I went completely in crisis. Meanwhile, my girlfriend had a miscarriage, I do not know if it was better or not, it was terrible, because the idea of a child had put me right in a different mood and because I thought it would be my only chance to have a straight life, but on the other hand I felt freer. I should tell my girlfriend what was going on but I did not have the courage. She wanted us to try newly but I was not willing to repeat the experience, I began to have the idea that my life would be, however, different, I did not know what to identify with, but I was no longer straight and I realized that clearly . When I got to the breaking point I talked to my girlfriend and things got weird and I was completely bemused. Basically she told me that she knew from the beginning and that she had talked about with Mark, who then had understood everything, long before me. Mark had warned her from getting in love with me because he thought I was gay, but please note that I then didn’t even suspect. My girlfriend, despite all, fell in love with me and started to mind that she could get me a good life as a straight man. In fact for a while she was successful and it seemed likely that there wasn’t any problem at all or it was completely exceeded. She told Mark that he was wrong and that nobody was much heterosexual than me, but then things have changed . We broke off the engagement by mutual agreement and without resentment, our families were shocked but we did not say anything to anyone neither I nor she. We were supposed to be friends but in practice after we broke up we saw no more than two or three times. So my straight life was over and from a few months ago I’m trying to understand what being gay means in practice, because when you say that it means to fall in love with guys instead of girls, you don’t say anything concrete. I did not come out to my family and only my ex-girlfriend and Mark know the truth but I am aware that they didn’t talk about to anyone. Among other things, Mark is getting married soon and I think I’ll be for him only a memory lost in the past.
Here begins my confusion. I don’t know gay guys, not even one, I went on the internet looking only for porn then also dating sites but out of curiosity, I’ve never had a profile and even less would encounter people that way because I’m too afraid of AIDS and I want to live in peace. Project, we can say that in so many things that you have written I can find myself quite well. I think I’m a serious guy and from Gay Project I really understood many things, first of all, that a gay man who lived a straight life like mine is not the white fly, I might have gone very far but there are a lot of gay men who have had a girl and I think maybe we could understand each other better, maybe I’m wrong, but they somehow had an experience more similar to mine. The curiosity I have is so big, let us be clear, I do not know what it means to have a relationship with a guy, what has to do with sex and what to do to come to have sex, and the concept of “gay guy” to me is a bit between myth and mystery, I dream about a beautiful boyfriend, just like many hot guys I see on the street, but I have a little fear, fear of being naive, not to really understand what could cross the brain of a gay guy. From what I read on Gay Project it should be interesting but I think about a lot of things that put me very embarrassed and probably I have in mind, as you say, a lot of things deduced from pornography that gay guys have nothing to do with. The fear is not essentially about sexual things but about emotional feeling, I do not know how it works between two guys, I’m used to understand the reactions of a girl but I cannot imagine those of a guy. To tell you the truth it’s not even so much the strictly sexual things that interest me, I wish above all a relationship of pampering, I’d like to fall asleep next to him, looking him right in the eyes and say I love you. Sometimes I felt stupid to want such things, but now I’m starting to think that there are a lot of guys like me. I would like to add one more thing and that is that I found very interesting the interviews on gay sexuality, I’ve read some with great curiosity and made me feel less alone.
Project, this is my msn (- omissis -), perhaps I’ll start by talking to you if you’re okay, then maybe … who knows … Answer me if you can, I’d love to chat.
See you soon. G. G.
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