04-25-2024, 04:50 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-25-2024, 04:51 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project, I've been reading your forum for years and I feel it is very close to my sensibility, something that doesn't happen to me practically anywhere else. I am approaching 40 years old, my boyfriend, or rather the one I consider my boyfriend, is no longer a boy either, he is 37. We have known each other for many years now and we have a very free relationship, which ultimately it's not a couple bond but our own way of loving each other.
Well, after so many years I am still enchanted by him and the relationship I have with him is very important to me. I don't know if I'm equally important to him, maybe not, but sometimes I understand that I have a role that is, if not irreplaceable, at least difficult to replace. In our relationship, sex has the utmost importance. He says he is polygamist and essentially he is, or rather he is in the best moments, when he still goes looking for adventures. But in dark moments, of disappointment and I would almost say depression, when the other guys push him away, he remembers me and knows that I wouldn't push him away for any reason, then he calls me, gives me some signal that, as he says, " he needs sex” an expression which perhaps means that he needs tenderness and availability.
Some days he contacts me late at night or in the morning before dawn, and he tells me that he is under my house, I obviously let him come up. He comes in, doesn't even say hello, undresses and goes to get into my bed (I always sleep in a double bed) which is still warm and I go and get next to him. He doesn't smile at me, he doesn't say anything, so I hug him and hold him close to me. I don't even ask him how he is doing, if he came to me it means that he is not well, that he is anxious, worried, that he has not felt welcomed or accepted by people who are important to him. In those moments, that is, in the moments when he feels rejected, he comes to visit me.
When he arrives at night, generally the next day he doesn't go to work, but sometimes I have to go to work, and so the time I can spend with him is limited, so we stay very close, I caress his hand or his hair, he doesn't even open eyes, sometimes a tear appears, perhaps he pities himself for his behavior, for coming to look for me as if he were my lover, which he isn't, because such a thing is not spontaneous for him and he doesn't understand why I always say yes to him, if he is not my lover. It may happen that in these situations we even get to have a little sex but in a way that is entirely ours and I think completely different from his way of living sex with other people. But it almost always happens that we don't end up having sex and this fact has extraordinary importance for him. He knows well that I would never say no to him, but he also knows that it's fine for me if he simply comes to sleep at my house. I'm happy when I think that he considers my house almost like a refuge and a warm den that is always available.
When he comes to me at night, he always puts himself on the side where I sleep, which is the one still warmed by the heat of my body, and not on the cold side. Seeing him inspires me with enormous tenderness, he is an adult man, affirmed and self-controlled, but I know a side of his personality that no one knows, I know his fragility, his emotional and even sexual needs, I accept him as he is and I love him. He knows this. Sometimes, looking into his eyes, I see a profound suffering, an inability to find true emotional correspondence. He would find and really finds as many boys to have sex as he wants, but they don't fall in love with him, they go after him because he is handsome, but they don't care about him as a person, his problems and his suffering, and when they get to know him better they put him aside.
I fell in love with him years ago, it wasn't an easy thing at all, but not in the sense that I wanted it and he didn't, but exactly the opposite, it was he who didn't give up on me, I thought it wouldn't work between us and I tried to avoid it in every way but he wanted our relationship not to end. There is also sex between us, when there is, and there has been practically since the beginning. At first I felt a little conditioned because I didn't understand many of his behaviors, then it passed, we talked about it seriously and I understood many things about his life. He knows everything about me and he would have some reason to keep me at a distance but he has never done it. He trusts me and this strikes me greatly.
Sometimes there are misunderstandings that even seem profound and it seems that we even end up at loggerheads, but when we leave each other the thing is already over, we know that we don't have to part keeping in our hearts the doubt whether our relationship is over or not, basically it's enough to say to each other: "I'll call you tomorrow !” and it is a way of making peace.
Years ago, since our relationships had nothing structured, and we said goodbye without ever making an appointment for the next time, just as a guarantee of freedom, I systematically panicked every time I didn't hear from him for more than seven days, because I thought he was now permanently gone, but some days after he used to reappeared when I least expected it. Project, I think one thing, and I learned it from him: people, even those who seem most fulfilled, can carry everything within themselves: states of profound suffering, serious illnesses that they never talk about, they can experience profound frustrations and can truly need affection, love, in every sense. I come to think that love is essentially sharing the pain, the anxiety, the suffering of the other, the fact of being there when needed, even without words, even if you don't have the possibility of truly changing things in the other's life it means not running away, not leaving the other in his anxiety, his fear and his loneliness.
In some objectively difficult situations I experienced moments of total sharing with him even while having sex, a kind of sex as a remedy for desperation, because sometimes that's exactly what happens. The desire to be accepted without reservations is very strong, the emotional horizon is almost entirely black and the respect and love of one's partner appears to be the only hope of not being alone, the only salvation. Loving means accepting a person for who he is, in his totality, it means understanding his suffering, even the hidden one, understanding the meaning of that person's speeches beyond words. I would like to do everything to make my boyfriend happy, I love him, I think he is a man of great dignity and a big heart.
We have a very strange relationship, which no one would understand, but it makes sense to us, it makes us feel better, it makes us understand that we are not alone, that there is at least one who understands us completely and who loves us. I'm thinking about him intensely and I'm getting emotional, I'm thinking back to everything we experienced together and the fact that he gave meaning to my life. I really wish he would read this post and that at least for a while he could put away the melancholy!