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END OF A GAY COUPLE
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GAY DREAMS AND REAL LIFE
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GAY LOVE AS AN ANTIDOTE T...
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IMPORTANT NOTICE
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GAY SEX AND DEPRESSION
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COOLING OF A GAY COUPLE A...
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GAY SEX AND AFFECTIVE INV...
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GAYS BETWEEN DREAM AND RE...
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GAYS AND SEXUAL DISCOMFOR...
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| GAY GUYS ESCAPING HOMOSEXUALITY AND HETEROSEXUAL MARRIAGE CAGE |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 08:10 PM - Forum: Gay orientation
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JUST A FEW GAY THOUGHTS
In the life of many guys there is at some point something new and unexpected that arouses curiosity and sometimes disturbance. These are small things that can occur in different ways depending on age of the guy and his previous sexual experiences, but it’s essential to understand the scope and meaning of these things. I’ll list here only for some examples the most typical situations:
1) LOVING FRIENDSHIP – “I know instinctively that I need the physical presence of this friend of mine, I am happy when he’s close to me and I’m sad when he’s not, I wait to review him, his voice is printed in my brain, between us there is a total confidence, we say all to each other, for him I would do anything, when he’s not close to me I need him, when he calls me on the phone my heart beats very strong and I’m anxious, I would spend with him all time, when I see him with a girl I’m jealous, and even when I see him speaking with another guy.” These expressions commonly interpreted as forms of simple friendship show the establishment of a veiled form of love that apparently has no outside of sexual connotation and very often doesn’t present any conscious sexual connotations even for the guy who lives the loving friendship. This is a highly emotional involvement, which should not be underestimated by the mere fact that it doesn’t show immediately any sexual connotation. It should be borne in mind that the experience of a starting dip love by a gay guy is based on continuity between emotions and sexuality.
2) INVOLUNTARY SEXUAL REACTIONS. Some examples:
a) A beautiful boy just walked by, I turned my head to watch and I was feeling horny but I kept it under control.
b) I spend a lot of time in the locker room to watch a friend of mine who gets undressed and I’m curious to see his dick.
c) I was sitting in the car to talk to a guy, we were alone, and at some point I felt horny.
d) Hour hands just touched for a moment and I felt like a thrill, a kind of electric shock and wanted it to happen again. e) I saw on the street two guys hand in hand and I felt a shiver. f) I saw on the ground a gay porno magazine and I felt horny.
3) VOLUNTARY SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS. Some examples:
a) When we went into school trip I have done everything to get settled in a room with him because I wanted to see him at least in his briefs.
b) In the gym I learned by heart its timetable because I don’t want to miss the moment when he strips.
c) I tried to talk him sexually to see him horny.
d) I deliberately fondled his hair.
e) During the match I felt on him and for a moment I put my hand there. f) I’m always thinking about him and whatever I’d do to him. So at least in the imagination I do very much sex with him. I like him because when I think about him this way I feel horny and I like it when it happens.
g) I jerk off thinking about him; in practice I’m addicted to that.
These things often happen to guys who have a girl and even to guys that have a regular sex life with their girlfriends. The underestimation of the indicative elements that we just reported is extremely common among boys, who are led by environmental pressures, family and religion to credit in themselves the idea of being heterosexual. This way the gay thoughts, that could be outcrop, are removed or more often devalued with attitudes that can be roughly summed up in phrases like:
a) It only happens when she isn’t close to me.
b) It happens only sometimes.
c) I take such thoughts easily under control.
d) Yes, it happens, but I don’t feel conditioned at all.
e) It’s a kind of game, basically for me those things are not very important.
f) Well, it happened, but I’m not gay, I feel I’m not!
g) Well, but it doesn’t matter!
The devaluation of gay content corroborates the guy in his presumption of heterosexuality and starts another mechanism to procure additional confirmation through the exercise of heterosexual sexuality. The boy who is trying to submerge his emerging homosexuality tries to exorcize it in various ways:
1) He starts or intensifies heterosexual involvement focused mainly on sexual dimension. “I got a girl and we do everything.”
2) He gives his heterosexual involvement, as it’s possible, a public dimension to show widely his heterosexual live: you see him around with the girl, he takes pictures with her and put the photos on the net, he speaks often about her with his friends.
3) He systematically fails to mention to her his homosexual fantasies.
4) He begins to live his sexuality on two different levels: one, heterosexual, based on external heterosexual relationships and social life and another much more private, homosexual, based on masturbation. Clearly the guy who flees from his gay identity tends to validate the meaning of his heterosexual relationships and to devalue masturbation as something absolutely marginal, precisely because characterized by gay masturbation fantasies.
A gay who behaves as we just described is not heterosexual because he doesn’t love a girl looking to her good and her future but he only uses her, more or less consciously, in order to cover his own homosexuality.
The discovery of their own homosexuality for many guys is something traumatic for cultural reasons and following assimilation of prohibitions and preconceptions of various kinds. These prohibitions and these preconceptions are absolutely senseless; nevertheless such things make the boy who discovers he’s gay, feel like breaking a taboo. The reactions sometimes can also be heavily negative, if the demonization of homosexuality is not only due to social origin but comes from some personal traumatic or unpleasant experience. I’ll try to summarize below some expressions identifying the shock of a guy facing the need to be aware of being gay:
1) I am gay! No! My God! I dislike it at all, I always had a girl, I always liked women, and I’d never be gay!
2) Where I live people are stupid and bad, how can I be gay here? It’s impossible!
3) I’m gay like that bastard guy I told you before? No! Better I kill me!
GAY GUYS AND ETHEROSEXUAL TRAP
The gay guys, to escape their homosexuality take refuge in the heterosexuality that is not their true sexual orientation, starting from the premise that heterosexual relationships in which they board are a kind of experiment from which you can exit how and when you want. The assumption is nonetheless very far from reality and the gay guy realizes easily that he entered a situation much more complicated than he thought which involves not only the girl, but her parents and the entire surrounding social environment. In a socially backward, in which the emotional problems of daughters are experienced as a family affair whose natural outlet is marriage, a gay guy who was hiding himself in heterosexuality feels that he is in a sort of golden cage from which it’s very difficult to escape due to a complex interplay of projections and expectations also by the family of the gay guy himself. When a gay guy feels that the golden cage is closing on him, he realizes that he’s going to face two alternative options:
1) Break the engagement, causing many and serious reactions from the girl, her parents and gay guys family itself (if parents are unaware that their son is gay or they are unable to understand).
2) Go ahead despite everything, with the inevitable prospect of marriage. This helps avoids short term problems nevertheless leads to situations without exit, where the gay guy in expected to pretend being heterosexual for a lifetime, accepting the marriage sex life that for a gay guy is certainly unnatural. This way the homosexuality will emerge after marriage with unpredictable and traumatic outcomes.
OPERATIONAL ADVICE
In conclusion what can I advise guys who experience indicative elements of their homosexuality? The answer can be summarized as follows:
1) Do not underestimate the elements that make you think you are gay.
2) Remember that beyond the prejudices and ignorance, being gay is something high and noble and should be lived with dignity, without ever lowering his head in front of anyone. Homosexuality is one of the ways of living human sexuality and for gay people happiness is a possible condition. For that condition of happiness you have to fight strenuously.
3) If you don’t feel really heterosexual do not commit in heterosexual relationships that will be for you only a trap.
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| MASTURBATION GAY SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 08:07 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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I was asked repeatedly to speak in the most simple and at the same time most explicit way about psychological problems related to the various stages of sexual development of a gay boy. I’ll try to do so taking into account only two topics: sex identity and masturbation, with the premise that I am not a doctor or a psychologist, although I spend my days talking and chatting with gay guys of all ages and often we talk about issues related to sexuality, then I will appeal only to my experience in this activity.
THE DISCOVERY OF MASTURBATION
The masturbation is the voluntary act of touching yourself in order to give you pleasure and reach orgasm.
The age of first fully aware masturbation in the vast majority of cases is between 10 and 15 y. o.. Although in many cases the boy knows of masturbation by the stories of fellow schoolmates and friends, many boys still discover masturbation incidentally, that is quite random. The boy starts getting comfortable with his genital organ in several ways: he observes the erections, and touches it, initially just to wash or to pee. With the habit of manipulating his penis he finds that he can easily give himself pleasure. The manipulation of the penis, which is pleasant, proceeds automatically until the discovery of orgasm.
At 15 y. o. almost all the boys practice masturbation. Between 13 and 17 boys masturbate more than once a day. The frequency of masturbation falls slightly with age, for kids who do not have a sexual partner, and rarely falls below 20 times per month.
There is no difference in masturbation technique between heterosexual and gay boys. There is instead a profound difference between heterosexual and gay boys regarding the sexual fantasies that help to maintain the erection during masturbation. Heterosexual guys think intensely to girls, gay guys think intensely to another boy. It is precisely for this reason that masturbation leads gradually to gay boys awareness of being gay.
Generally boys feel masturbation as something very pleasant and at the same time forbidden, to be done with the utmost secrecy and of which they can’t talk at all. For a boy, be caught by his parents while masturbates is one of the most terrible humiliations. These attitudes, often complicated by moral formalism and religious influences, contribute, unfortunately, to spread negative ideas about masturbation. But masturbation is an important manifestation of sexuality that will accompany a boy for life and will not be set aside, however, when other kinds of sexual intercourse will appear, but will interact with them. Learning to know your body and its reactions can give you many ideas to live better the couple sex.
The condemnation of masturbation as a grave sin by the Catholic Church deserves a particular reflection [Catechism of the Catholic Church. 2396 “Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity, should be cited masturbation, fornication, pornography and homosexual practices.”] The formula used by the Catechism is without appeal. The boys who attend church regularly tell the priest in confession that they masturbate, using usual formulas, one classic: “I have sinned against purity.” The priest proceeds (often in a very mechanical way, to ask how many times, whether alone or with others, then repeats the usual formulas of condemnation of masturbation and requires the penitent (or alleged such) a commitment in order to avoid it. Penitent proves repentant and is acquitted. In reality this is a false repentance, the boy will quickly return to the masturbation and will do it as much as possible before the next confession (because “now purity is lost”). Then the boy goes back to confession and the cycle restarts. The result is a strong push toward the hypocrisy from the church who knows how things are, that repentance is not repentance and that the mechanism aims only to surreptitiously induce feelings of guilt that keep the boy in a state of subjection. Many priests do not even consider masturbation a sin and thus get the result to keep the boys linked to the Church. Other priests fight real crusades and so create for the most sensitive boys situations of enormous stress, feelings of guilt deep conditioning and inhibitions against sexuality. For many boys the Church’s position regarding masturbation is a cause of deep suffering.
What we described above has quite different contours when the boy is gay.
Because the Church not only condemns masturbation but directly and without appeal homosexuality [Catechism of the Catholic Church, Art. 2357 Homosexuality designate relations between men or women who experience sexual attractive, exclusive or predominant, towards people of the same sex. It is manifested in very different forms over the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Building on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as grave depravity, tradition has always declared that ‘acts of homosexuality are intrinsically disordered “. They are contrary to natural law. Prevent the sexual act from the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances they can be approved.] (A more complete collection of condemnations of homosexuality by the Catholic Church can be found in the post
A gay boy in confessional has two problems, one is the masturbation (common toheterosexual boys) and the other is homosexuality. The vast majority of gay boys consider his homosexuality as something natural that so simply and sincerely not consider it as sin and continues to admit only “impure acts” without any specification. When randomly, in confessional emerges in the theme of homosexuality, responses on the part of priests, although in theory all convictions, are actually variously flexible. Even here, probably the idea that a drastic attitude would definitively detach gay boys from the Church, has a not negligible signification.
The real moment of crisis between a gay boy and the Church occurs when the boy comes to discover that the Church expects from him total chastity [art. 2359 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church]. That means that a homosexual to remain in the church must radically deny himself because the Church considers homosexuality “serious depravity”, “baleful consequence of a refusal of God”, “lack of normal sexual development”, “pathological constitution”, “conduct intrinsically bad from the moral point of view “(see the post above). What options are possible for a gay guy? He may or try to fully repress himself to comply with what the Church calls, with destructive results in the long term, or play on an endless series of false repentance and relapses as in the case of masturbation, or he could avoid at all reconciling what by definition and irreconcilable. Often boys try the first way, feel it unrealistic, reject the hypocrisy of the second way and finally come to the third, with the definitive separation from the Church and the final storage of the senses of guilt.
You can’t talk about masturbation without mentioning two important issues that are closely linked to it: pornography and masturbation fantasies.
Often masturbation is linked to search for pictures or video content explicitly sexual. The thing itself is not negative, if the guys that make use of pictures or videos for masturbating do so with the knowledge that it’s a fiction, not reality. See video porn generally doesn’t upset boys, but when the thing is loaded with too many valences in replacement for a real poor affectivity, pornography can be experienced as a model of sexuality. Of course these things will not happen if kids who use pornography for masturbating are ripe in emotional terms, but when it comes to very young or not ripe boys, pornographic model is likely to be internalized as a model of real life, which can produce many influences of which it’s difficult to get rid, the first of which the idea of sexuality as “performance”.
The sexual arousal that leads to masturbation in most cases is not derived from pornography but by the so-called masturbation fantasies. Masturbation fantasies are fantastic reconstructions of situations considered to be particularly exciting in sexual terms. In the vast majority of cases the masturbation fantasies doesn’t come from pornography but from images of real erotic situations also very distant in time well imprinted in the mind. The masturbatory fantasies usually change very little during life and are the archetypes and units of measurement of sexuality in the sense that a sexual content of real life is often considered more or less sexually exciting according to the compliance with the model represented by masturbatory fantasies. Masturbatory fantasy being a manifestation of absolutely free sexuality of a boy, is strongly indicative of dip sexual orientation of that boy. In some cases the masturbatory fantasies doesn’t keep stable all lifelong but instead change their content more or less rapidly. Approximately one quarter of guys who end up considered definitively gay have lived in advance stages of heterosexuality, which lasted years, with a true heterosexual sexuality. These guys experienced the first elements of emerging gay sexuality from the drifting in gay direction of masturbatory fantasies. However, there are guys that, at least for some periods of their lives, masturbate with both heterosexual and homosexual erotic fantasies. Normally these things are transitory and sexuality ends to go spontaneously toward gay or hetero orientation. [I can’t to masturbate any more thinking of a girl]. Sometimes masturbatory fantasies may be upset as a result of traumatic sex events. When masturbatory fantasies change over the years, usually start as heterosexual fantasies and become gay fantasies (the opposite is in fact very rare, I have personally seen only one example) and represent the emerging of deep sexuality repressed from education, from environmental situations or negative experiences. The repression of masturbatory fantasies by a boy is a sign of discomfort, low self-esteem and psychological dependence.
GAY OR NOT GAY
As it’s obvious, the successive stages of sexual development involve a complex psychological development that leads to adulthood. But let’s go step by step.
During pre-adolescence, sexual curiosity of boys is very strong. The period from sixth to eighth grades. (11-13 y. o.) represents a delicate moment of psycho-sexual development of a boy. At about 13 y. o., and sometimes 12, the interest of the boys for the male sexual organ increases significantly in relation to their sexual development. It is the age of the comparisons, they want to see the penis of other boys, both same age and older. It is the age of “if you show me yours I’ll show you mine”.
All this has nothing to do with homosexuality. Comparisons help boys to assess their sexual development over time and help them feel in a category of normality. However, there are gay boys who experience for the first time their sexual orientation in these occasions because they realize that they live it differently from other boys, that for them it’s not only a moment of confrontation but a true satisfaction of sexual desire.
For boys gay sexuality becomes so often embarrassing, at 14/15/16 y. o. the erection becomes a problem not easy to manage. In situations where other kids do not have an erection, a gay boy not only has but he cannot control it. His excitement is visible in situations where the other boys do not stir. The masturbation of a gay boy, as I said earlier, is done using typically gay fantasies, sexual content linked to the nakedness of other boys that deeply imprints in the memory of a gay boy, what heterosexual boys is not the case, a gay boy realizes that talking about girls stirs the other boys and doesn’t stir him at all.
I won’t touch here the problem of boys who have at this age their first heterosexual relationships and then discover themselves to be gay at distance of years, I will stop instead on boys living in this age, very early , their first sexual gay contact and this is not a small minority.
The first concept to keep in mind to consider adult sexual behavior is linked to the “performance”. Let me explain better, often, even among fully adult people the idea of performance ends up dominating the sexual relationship. Performance means to show that you are up to the situation and you are able to do something that is valued only like performance. In the language of adolescents, performance means “being adult” or better “demonstrate that you are adult.” Who cares to prove to be adult obviously is not and needs a very elementary vision of sexuality, such as “technical”, which is much easier to confront. Older guys 18/19 y. o. and over, usually have a clear idea of sexuality as a emotional contact and not as performance, they fall in love in the truest sense of the word and seeking essentially a deep emotional contact with guys they love, because they really love them. Younger boys, or are already on this line and then are emotionally already adults, or tend to move across sexuality in terms of performance.
I often talk to young boys, aged 16 years or less, which literally “boast” of their sexual performances and are self-considered adults for that sexual performances. I listen often in chat to young guys, even very serious guys, that over the idea of performance know nothing else, boys who consider only “what they do” at sexual level and not with whom or why. In some cases boys who consider themselves gay because they assume their sexual behavior as a typical gay behavior, even if they are completely wrong, reveal incredible inconsistencies. For example: a very young boy, who dealt with a very cavalier attitude every type of sexual practice, refused to kiss the boy with whom he had sexual intercourse, and reacted aggressively to forms of attention from his companion, considered by him not virile things coming substantially from a weak person. These behaviors are obviously immature. Guys (usually older) that are involved with these young boys in a sexual relationship, at the beginning feel satisfied because for them the path to sexual intercourse is facilitated and it’s even possible to get there in the same day in which they know each other, but then, slowly, older guys realize that something isn’t working well and that the center of the relationship consists of the sexual performance, of doing this or that. In other words a older boy realizes the emotional immaturity of his companion and suffers greatly, feels finally unpleasantly the same strong sexual character of the relationship that had initially seemed very gratifying and, even worse, understands the unreliability of his companion who is looking for experiences more than for a person.
It should be borne in mind that he real sex education is essentially affective education and that a boy will live well if his sexuality has reached a generally satisfactory emotional condition. To promote the emotional growth of gay boys we can do many things:
1) Demythologize sexuality avoiding representing it as something intended to shock and prohibited but talking about it as a reality of ordinary life of all persons.
2) Speaking of sexuality in the easiest and most direct possible way, with sincerity and without taking roles in order to help boys understand really what this is all about and grow from the emotional point of view.
3) AVOID EVERY SEX DOGMATHIC namely avoid creating false categories and defining a rigid sexual behavior, in this sense should bear in mind that you must:
a) point out that gay, bisexual and heterosexual are exclusively models of sexual behavior that make sense only if they are seen as elastic ideas and general guidance in the sense that many people cannot be classified in any of these categories because in the sexuality individual variability is very strong and fundamental;
b) set aside the most absolute way the catalogues of sexual behavior, that is avoid to define in the most absolute way which conduct is heterosexual and which gay, both in terms of sexual behavior and in terms of more general affectivity;c) avoid to underline problems and aim mainly to clear up false problems that generate unnecessary anxiety, insisting on the idea that real sex life of gay people has in the vast majority of cases very little standards. Experience shows that in many cases the boys are taken from anxiety basically for non-existent problems or small problems, common to many boys, and that vanish with the psycho-sexual development.
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| GAY LOVE AND COMING OUT |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 08:00 PM - Forum: Coming out
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Hello Project,
I wanted to tell you my story and I would like to know what you think, bellow there’s my contact, if you like chatting with me just a little.
Call me Mark, it’s not my real name, but everybody calls me this way, because I don’t like my real name, I’m 21 y. o., live in a big city, and study physical education sciences, I study subjects related to sports because I practice sports and I’m an athlete at competitive level and also with excellent results. That is, even though I know that the career of a player and in particular specialties that I practice ends very soon, I’d like to remain in the world of sports because it is my real world and because I really feel at ease there. I sport since I was a young boy; the gym is my second home or even the first, because I spend more time in the gym than at home.
But I come to the point. Until last year I have not thought much about sex. I had to attend school, then university and had mainly competitions that for me were very important. In practice until last year, but I would say all last year if not beyond, even in January, February 2008, for me sport was only sporting activity. I never felt embarrassment in the locker room or showering with other guys and I did also some sexual joke and sometimes I was also the victim of such jokes but absolutely no problem, indeed I always liked a lot the free locker room environment because we play a little there and I like well such things, but from the beginning of March, that is from a very short time, things have really changed. Don’t ask me why and if there is a good reason, I thought so but I have not been able to discover one.
You have understood! I started to realize that in the locker room there were other naked guys and I began to worry about. I had never noticed that my mates where naked in the locker room or in the shower for me all that was always absolutely normal, but, let’s say, by March I started to notice them. For them nothing had changed at all but for me it was very different, I was aware of that, I was interested, in short, I was studying my mates and beginning to think how would have been nice if those guys were in love with me. Outside, I continued to behave more or less as before even if I was beginning to have problems controlling the erection, which in the locker room and showers is not a little taboo, so that it’s the hallmark that you are gay. You do everything to avoid erection and you are worried because you don’t understand how other guys could take such things. The result of all this: I spend in the locker room just a minute and I try to be dressed as much as possible, but then the moment of truth arrives and then anxiety comes.
Virtually I’m at ease with my being gay, I had virtually no problem, and although I had never had a girl in the truest sense of the word, but just little stories, that I have never taken seriously, in practice I have only taken note of what I knew already. But when you’re gay and live in places like those where I live, that is in the midst of athletes that are not as beautiful as people think even if among them there are really those very sexy, well, inside, you feel a certain agitation. I read that many young men seek meeting sites or gay chats, I never did such things, for me the gym is everything also from this point of view, I would have practically no need to seek sex photos on the net because I’m among guys when and how I like.
My real problem is another, that is to understand if among the guys I like there are gay guys because I’d never fall in love with a straight guy making a poor showing and being teased. I’m also having problems about sport performances, my trainer says it often and asks me why, but I can’t tell him how things really are.
Another thing. Do not laugh: I never had any gay experience; I’ve never had sex with anyone. Now I think I’m not really in love, because as Project says: to fall in love it’s necessary to be two, and then I’m not missing sex in the true meaning of the word, when it happens I do what everybody does, but I don’t like to get involved in troubles to make sex with a guy that I don’t know and don’t even know if he’s healthy, I don’t really feel like it. Now, I can say, I’m alone just in the sense that I don’t have a boyfriend.
I premise I don’t even have gay friends, I found the Project’s gay blog on Google and I was amazed by the monstrous amount of material that it contains. I built my little knowledge on gay issues on that blog but not only by reading the posts (I can read Italian) but also the comments, then I discovered the forum, first I didn’t notice it, but it’s also a mine. And I read a lot of very interesting posts, but I have not had the courage to enroll.
Now, speaking honest, I think that sooner or later I will make some big poppycock in the gym, to tell the truth there is a guy who attracts me very much there. I’m now his coach, he is in a group entrusted to me, 19 y. o., he’s younger than me, but I’m 21, not 50. He’s really beautiful and then we shower together every day, in short, you understand, I like everything of him. With him I behave in a casual and friendly manner, as I do with the other guys, but with others I am spontaneous, with him no, we talk so much, both before and after the shower, he trusts me completely and considers me just like a brother.
He has to graduate in days, just a couple of weeks ago he was very sad, we waited to talk and he told me that the mathematics teacher called him unexpectedly and graded him badly and said that he could never pass the examination. He had studied a lot but that the teacher was just a piece of shit that would have done everything to put him in trouble, because he had it in for him, at some point his eyes became red and he was going to cry. I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to keep close to tell him that I loved him but I felt frozen and I didn’t move at all, I saw in his eyes just two tears that torn my soul, he was ashamed and dried tears with hands. I told him that last year I lost a very important medal for two hundredths of a second and later, when no one saw me, I started crying like a fountain.
Then there has been training and I cuddled him a lot and he was happy for all this attention, then in the shower I had the impression that he almost looked for my eyes, that is he was trying to understand if I observed him and I think he understood, when we left he waited to talk to me but in another way, at least I had the impression that it was in another way, he looked into my eyes more directly and smiled, I thought that he wanted an encouragement but I didn’t anything.
It is true that with me he has talked about girls but this does not mean anything. My anxiety is now only about is being gay or not? To tell the truth it’s as if I had the premonition to be on the verge of being involved in some ugly mess and that’s why I try to treat him well, but without going beyond friendship and indeed I take care also of other guys, but I should say rather I pretend to take care of those guys trying to get reed of his image that is always in front of me.
I study all the ways to stay with him as long as possible, without looking too much interested and when it’s possible, I do whatever I can, to avoid to meet him, in practice now we talk only when it is he who calls me but I never take the initiative. But when he asks me, I show me very excited.
Today in the shower I looked and noticed he had an erection, but most likely one sees what he wants to see. Shit! I can’t stand this no more! But why should I fall in love with a guy and not have the courage to speak openly! What could happen? I don’t know. In practice I think that he never got the suspicion that I’m gay, or perhaps yes, I don’t know what to think, but it is an unbearable stress.
You want to laugh? Well I think he is heterosexual and that is fine with me because for him there are no implications of any kind regarding sex and he thinks that this is the case even for me. So I’m condemned to this eternal torment of not knowing how to behave. If things go on like that and he doesn’t freeze me with something extraordinary, like seeing him kissing a girl or joking stupidly on gays, well, I believe that I will make the madness, I tried many times to prepare the speech but I think that at the end I would be trivial and very direct, such as: ”I’m gay and you?” And at this point he jabs me in the face or he looks upset at me. Sometimes in the locker room I feel like a sex maniac and sometimes I even feel guilty over the guy whom I like best because in fact I am cheating him and I hate to cheat him, and that could well be one of the fundamental reasons for making the big step and tell him how things really are.
A hug.
Mark
P. S. if you publish this mail, we’ll see what guys think.
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| GAY GUYS AND GAY SEX |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:58 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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As usual the analysis of access keys to my websites gives me concrete arguments for reflection. I have chose some fairly typical. Among the access keys used by parents probably some are worthy of attention, alongside the classics “Parents of gay children” “Accept gay children” I find also: “Discover the child who masturbates” “My son masturbates what do I do?” The use of these keys for access, far from awaken a smile, should be taken very seriously. In this case a parent worries not about the homosexuality of his son but that the boy masturbates. The use of the verb “discover” is indicative of the sense of surprise of the writer, but beyond the discovery one wonders how to behave. Speaking about boys (son), a key access like those mentioned, used by a father, would seem absolutely incredible, because I do not think that an adult man might wonder about the idea that his son masturbates. If, as I think, these access keys are used from mothers, I can only infer that these ladies have not the slightest knowledge of male sexuality. In this sense, their attitude may be entirely ruling and not informed and can produce not small trauma for children. Let me note that the wonder of the parent who is surprised that his son masturbates is exactly symmetrical to that of the son who discovers that parents have a sex life, but while everybody can understand the dismay of a very young boy we cannot justify the puzzled attitude of the parent. The sexuality of a guy, especially if young, finds the most obvious achievements in masturbation. The privacy of a guy who masturbates must never be disturbed for any reason, much less by a parent. For a boy, being surprised in the act of masturbating is a terrible, traumatic experience, especially if the discovery by the parent is accompanied by signs of concern. A guy, now adult, told me that he was surprised by his father while masturbating and that wasn’t particularly traumatic for him, but the scene was designed more or less like this: the father comes in the room while the child is masturbating, apologizes, closes the door and leaves and, later, makes no reference to the fact, when the father sees his son embarrassed tells him: “look everybody does masturbate!” and the story ends there. No parent can seriously expect to meddle in these things that are absolutely private affairs of children. Very different, and much more delicate is the question of the relationship of parents with gay children, especially when it gay children made their coming out outside the family. I must underline that a group, usually fed, of readers comes to my sites with keys like this: “Tell parents to be gay” “Tell parents to be homosexual” “Coming out homosexuality parents” or even “Gay boys worked over by parents” Yesterday evening it happened to me to chat with a guy 21 y. o ., a serious guy, not chasing easy sex but friendship through chat (which is certainly not the best place to find gay friends). He said that friends know nothing about his sexual orientation, if they knew they would drop him immediately. He hasn’t the courage to tell his parents that he’s gay, because his father would react violently, and every time you talk about gay he manifests a terrible aggressive attitude. Even at 21 y. o., therefore, gay guys are afraid to come out with their parents. This is not exceptional … it’s the rule. But a boy becomes aware of being gay much earlier than 21 y. o.. A group of access keys, probably coming from very young boys, indicates the uncertainty about being gay and understanding exactly what being gay means. ” What age boys discover to be gay? ” “How can I understand if I’m gay” “How understand if a guy is gay” Another group still indicates the need to find a comparison on the first gay experiences and the possibility of a heterosexual love. “I discovered to be gay” “Stories of boys who discover to be gay” “Stories of first gay experiences” “Friend’s love of the same sex” “Homosexuality in schools” “Why am I in love with a heterosexual?” “Love between a boy and a heterosexual guy” “I gay, he heterosexual” Another group of access keys is about finding “not dangerous” contacts with other gay guys. “Chat for gay boys” “How to trust gay sex meetings in chat” Very often the loneliness of younger gay children takes them to the gay chats and here the speech is very delicate, not only because the soliciting of non legal boys through chat is criminally sanctioned, but even apart from this aspect, chats are a very special world . In the chats I found even very young boys (if they were really) so immediate with obscene proposals that I think very clearly that it was prostitution. As you do, this things will remain anyway. I would rather consider the guys (almost all legal) who seek sex on the net. Some of them have certainly nothing to do with prostitution but clearly aim to sexual activity usually without a direct meeting, but via webcam, in a way that is very risky, because movies can be recorded, and I think that they really are in many cases. Consequences can range from the publication on porn sites to real forms of blackmailing, when you meet people so naive to be recognizable. So I advise in the most absolute anyone sailing in the chats not to use webcam … that are dangerous especially with unknown people. In chat you usually receive a call that begins with the question “got a webcam ?”… Caution! Obviously the same goes for the exchange of photos. But let’s come to the only written chats, which are those that I care about most. Many proposals for sexual contacts, that can be obtained on these chats, are not aggressive, are colloquials, there is a little dialogue and even not so stupid sometimes. Indeed I meet in chat guys in search of sex that aren’t surely typical good guys. Usually they aren’t very young boys, but between 20 and 24 y. o. … they are polite, educated, before closing a brief conversation with me, that declare my age immediately, they feel obliged to chat a little with formulas such as “hello, was a pleasure to meet you.” With some of these guys I was able to make a serious conversation even a quarter of an hour. I wonder why these guys go to seek sex on a chat. In theory it could be more adequate to seek emotional contacts with guys known in real life …. but evidently it is so difficult that the option of chatting is the only practicable. All this dismays me. Essentially all good things these guys could find in real life, in fact, are utopia, while a little chatting or a little sex online are concrete realities. Generally guys seeking gay sex in a moderate chatting hare no more than 25/26 y. o., when you meet older guys (few, but there are) the conversation becomes more serious, more personal and adult contact, you may experience a true dialogue also not very short and you can also find a real will of not superficial comparison. Typically, around 25 y. o. a gay guy has found his balance, more or less precarious but it has found it, and the search for sex chatting becomes marginal. The image of the gay planet that comes out of the chats is quite varied and, in any case, refers to very young age groups, accustomed to the use of Internet and to a more uninhibited interpersonal contact. For now I will stop here.
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| HOW I UNDERSTOOD TO BE GAY |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:52 PM - Forum: Understand to be gay
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Understanding of being gay … My real problem for at least three years was just that. Until 17 I felt straight, not very enthusiastic in chasing after girls, I had to stand them more than anything else, but there I was and I didn’t refuse girls, and girls sunned after me sometimes, I believe I’m a nice boy and some girl always wanted to be my friend.
At school all my classmates wanted badly to go to dance, especially on Saturday evenings to a disco. Sometimes I went too, between 17 and 18, but going to dance for me meant only going to dance and nothing else, for other guys things were different, they went there to be able to hide somewhere with girls, even without doing anything wrong, or perhaps no, who knows, perhaps I’m naive. I went there and didn’t dance, almost never. When I had to embrace some girl I tried also to keep her distant from “there”.
All these things could make me understand how things were, but nothing like that happened and I understood later why. A that time I went to Church a lot (and now I’m in crisis from this point of view but then everything was different), at that time I didn’t even think I was gay, that is, is not that I was thinking about the problem deducing I was straight, It wasn’t a problem at all for me. It was obvious that I was heterosexual. I didn’t feel gay temptations at all, I know that it seems absurd, but didn’t happen at all. I have read on this forum about getting hard and masturbating for a friend.
Today I know what it means but then such things never happened to me. That little amount of sexual fantasies that I was doing where only about girls, because everybody used to do such things about girls. So to say, then I sublimated everything, more or less, I masturbated but thinking about girls even if it wasn’t an exciting thing. But look. At that time, even showering with my friends in the pool was nothing at all for me. It was a pride for me having my sexuality reduced to a minimum.
When I went to confess, sometimes at least, I hadn’t even to tell that I masturbated because I wasn’t addicted to that and I felt very proud. You can say: “Then how did you live?” Practically all sports, school, volunteering … In short I was a swimmer almost for national selections, not exactly but very close to it and for me those things were important, I spent entire afternoons in the pool and my coach considered realistic the idea of sending me to the Italian championships and this thing was very gratifying for me. .. Do you know what a training level for swimmers like me is? …. Then I added the study, because I was also very good at school and such things made me feel perfect. Teachers at school told me that I was great, the coach told me that I could go to national games, priests told me I was doing very well avoiding masturbation … you understand, I could feel the perfect guy model.
Only my father, sometimes, I think, was a little perplexed, but not that I was gay, that I simply had set aside my sexuality to devote myself to other things. Dad tried to tell me that in life there are other things, certainly he meant girls, but not even nominated, I answered I had many other things to do and that I was thinking a lot about girls. And I was really convinced of thinking girls.
In short, things went on like this up to 19 y. o… Then I signed up for engineering and at engineering department I met Stephen and there our story began. After the first days of class I see that there is a serious guy, a little like me, always taking notes, who does not go out during the intervals and is always there studying his book, a guy who doesn’t use to get acquainted with other guys or to lose time … I notice him, yes, but just notice… then something unpredictable happens, the analysis teacher explains Heine-Cantor theorem doing this premise: “I’ll explain it but you won’t understand anything at all!” For me, like I was at that time, such things ware like a glove challenge.
I had to understand the Heine-Cantor theorem. I work the utmost commitment; approximately, I can also understand the general meaning but did not understand precisely why it was something important and could have a practical utility. The day after, Stephen approaches me (blessed be the Heine-Cantor theorem!) And tells me: “But did you understand the theorem that the teacher explained yesterday?” Look, for me that question had not in any way flavor of a personal approach; it was only a request for explanations about a theorem of analysis. I have tried to master to him from what I understood but Stephen replied objections to which I did not know how to answer and I ended up smiling and enlarging my arms as to say: “Well … perhaps I didn’t understand anything at all!”
When next lesson begins he remains seating next to me, but I don’t even notice. Then at the end of the lesson he tells me: “Do we try to understand how it works?” I say yes and we spend the whole afternoon on the Heine-Cantor theorem, slowly the issue clarifies and at the end we feel the thing pretty simple. In the evening when we say bye we tell each other that next day we were going to ask the teacher whether or not what we understood was right. In the evening, at home, I newly studied the theorem and next morning after class we asked the teacher and he told us that the meaning was exactly what we had understood. I felt radiant … but only for the Heine-Cantor theorem.
In the following days, Stephen thought that we could study together because we were serious guys who don’t like waste time and we began to study together. I would like to underline that we only studied, not even a word about other subjects, we were too taken with the idea of passing all examinations at the first session, and for us that was the first goal. In practice we have only studied until the end of examinations and we passed all exams and all with 30/30 and it wasn’t easy at all. We felt in ecstasy, but next day I missed a lot the study with Stephen … and I think the same happened to him.
He called and told me … what do you do today? My answer: nothing! so we met in the early afternoon but we had nothing to do, we talked all the afternoon, I fully Catholic, he just the opposite but respectful, political ideas were not very different, then we talked about books, cinema, songs, teachers, high school and many other subjects, but never about girls or sex. I then didn’t notice at all such things but later I understood … When we are going to say bye I ask him about his plans for the next day, he offers me an exhibition on Impressionists and I agree.
Next morning, after the exhibition, about which he knew everything more than an art history teacher, we go to eat something at fast food restaurant and then we walk around the city. Together we are good. We are two friends walking in a beautiful July afternoon. In short, things went so for about half a summer.
My parents in August go to the mountains for three weeks; I use to go with them. I ask Stephen what he’s going to do in August, he asks me: “And you?” I say, instinctively: “I’ll stay here …” and he tells me: “I too!” I feel happy. When I go back home I say to my parents that I have to stay at home. My father tells me only: “But don’t’ be mad with books!” At that moment for the first time I realize that I have skipped three weeks in the mountains to stay with Stephen. Several days after he told me he did exactly the same to stay with me.
When my parent were away, Stephen used to come to my house, sex was miles from us, either to him or to me, we were happy to be together, talking, cooking, relaxing and telling each other prudently about our lives. In those afternoons we began to talk about sex: two heterosexual friends who talk about sex, he tells me at the beginning of his two girls and I tell him of my adventures, so to say.
Then our confidence became slowly more and more and he told me that, however, he was not enthusiastic about sex, I told him that for me was just the same and then we discussed with a greater freedom. For me, but I think even for him, it was an incredible sense of liberation talking freely about sex, although in fact we spoke nevertheless much more trough allusions than directly, but substantially our talking was serious. Neither he nor thought to be gay, we were two straight not enthusiastic guys, that was all.
Then Stephen was entirely blocked, the fluency of the previous days seemed to disappear, he came to my house but didn’t like to stay at home but wanted to leave the house to go around the city, not talking about us but just about books and exhibitions. … I had had enough of it … but I did not say anything.
One evening, when he left, he tried not to give me an appointment for the following day; he was formal, and never happened before. I put him on the spot, I saw that he was embarrassed and he told me: “Come on, I’m not going to talk about it … don’t worry, I’m not down on you … “and he left. I was there in all my discomfort, I didn’t know what to think, I called him on the phone, he replied very short messages, then closed the phone but I didn’t let him go, at the end he told me: “Okay, I’ll come tomorrow, you’re right you have to know … “
The next day came, he was stressed, asked me not to interrupt and in very few words told me that he thought he was in love with me but the situation seemed absurd to him because he never fell in love with a boy, what instead was happening . I then still thought I was heterosexual and I replied as I thought a good heterosexual boy should reply to a gay friend of his in such a situation: “I am sorry but I cannot agree because I am heterosexual … I like you but… “He didn’t even let me end my phrase and he left saying that he was tired and didn’t even bear to stay there …
When he left I felt a violent feeling of emptiness, I was a few minutes shocked … then I went racing at the bus stop where he had to take his bus, I saw him get in but didn’t join him in time … I felt death … I said to myself: “But I love this boy … I don’t know about sex factor, but I can’t live without him … “I sent a text message:” I love you … now I understand!”He called me and told me: “Is it true?”I said:” I went racing to reach the stop I saw you get in and leave but I was not able to reach you in time and I was going to break down and cry … I can’t do without you, without you I die … don’t put me down this way … I love you, Stephen … I love you …”, and he said, stay there at the bus stop I’ll arrive in minutes. And he closed the phone …
Ten minutes later I saw him arrive racing and panting … We embraced crying in the middle of the road. Do not think that we went home to have sex, to get there; it took more than a month. He wanted us, both, to do test for AIDS and then our relationship was characterized by a form of mutual shyness, hesitation, a little as Project says.
Now we are together for a year, we passed all examinations also of the second year … I think that without Stephen I would never have understood to be gay. Now we have our whole sexuality but it’s too private and I’ll keep it private. I just wanted to say that there are many ways to feel gay and perhaps there are so many ways of being gay that it is difficult to understand them completely. Thanks to all and to Project in particular.
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| SPECIAL FRIENDSHIPS AND GAY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:49 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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This post is dedicated to the concept of “gay sexual experience”.
This is a concept that often emerges when I talk in chat with gay guys. The “gay sexual experiences” can be considered in several aspects:
1) As a kind of license to be admitted into adult gay sexuality on the basis of the theorem according to which masturbation is adolescence sexuality while sexual couple experiences are a passport to adult sex life.
2) As a kind of learning and exploring sexual life being somehow a couple.
3) As a gradual sexual approach toward another guy to which you feel a real affective transport but you don’t know his sexual orientation.
The point of view N. 1 implies sexuality not as a contact between two real guys but as individual skill. The younger guys are using terms like “at my age the other guys have already done such things”, guys about 25 and beyond, express themselves differently: “I have not … I have never done.” Guys over 30 use more melancholy like “I don’t want to miss the train”, or worse “if not now I’ll never do…”.Despite the difference in terms of words we can see that these are people who give to their sexual initiation a particular value in itself, regardless of who is the person that will be their partner in the first experience. In essence there is an underestimation of the emotional dimension and an overestimation of the sexual one. The anxiety of the first time here is not the anxiety that captures a guy who is to make sex for the first time with a guy that he loves, but is the anxiety of making as soon as possible that first time, even with a unknown guy. You use the term “weaning” from the perspective of the guy who allows another guy to make his first sexual experience or even “losing virginity” from the perspective of those who experiment their first experience so much desired and finally realized, without any too specific sexual reference. Very often in such situations guys end up being more or less satisfied or frustrated according to the variety of the sexual performance and its correspondence to a model of gay sexuality derived from pornography. In this sense, terms like “we did everything” or “we had a full intercourse” are hiding the idea of sexuality as performance. Dominates the idea of being adults by the sex, the typical idea of boys not yet fully mature in emotional terms, but this is valid for all ages.
The point of view N. 2 represents a condition of a much more mature sexuality and it’s really satisfactory if the participation in the life of the couple is deep under the emotional profile. Each one of the two guys of the couple may consider the other as a necessary tool to realize his own sexual fantasies, and I would say that so the emotional dimension is quite marginal, but the idea of sexual experiences as a way of exploring couple sexuality can also be linked to a deep feeling of friendship and mutual respect, or to an even more emotional experience, which could be just an approach to the true emotional couple sexuality. I add that, often, sexual experiences born under serious relationships with the premise that “there is nothing too much serious”, then slowly and almost imperceptibly consolidate prior to the establishment of a common share of sexual contact and then to create much more complex relationship in which emotions and sexuality interact. In any case, the point of view N.2 starts from the concept of a couple in which both boys have precise ideas about their behavior and can confront each other explicitly in a dimension of real sharing but it is a condition that is not very common for gay guys.
The point of view N. 3 is probably the most common among gay guys not declared for which a couple relationship or just a friendship that provides the opportunity to talk openly about gay sexuality is actually more a dream than an hypothesis. For these guys, and not just for the young but also for the thirties and beyond, the physical sexuality does not go beyond masturbation, at least for long periods. These guys fall in love anyway, even in many situations involvements are unilateral and in many cases they tend toward heterosexual guys or more often to guys that seam only weakly heterosexual, and guys who fall I love wit them don’t know with certainty their sexual orientation. It must be said that these special friendships are much more common than people think and cannot be reduced to the category of straight-gay relationship because in the building phase of the friendship operate many selective mechanisms, so the gay guy tends to drop the opportunity to automatically create serious relationship with a boy too markedly heterosexual or with a boy who does not offer to the first attempts to contact him an encouraging response. The guy who does not feel gay, on the other hand, accepts a relationship of close friendship with another guy only if he has no foreclosure to a deep emotional involvement that ties him to his friend. In short, neither of the boys comes by chance in a friendship like this. I must underline that I intend to refer to deep emotional relationships and really desired by both partners. The guy who is not gay is fully at ease within this relationship. The gay guy takes it instead at two separate levels, one of friendship and sharing where there is no place to anything explicitly sexual, and one not declared and implicit dominated by the sex approach. In particular, beyond friendship the gay guy sees the possibility of a love story and he lives the relationship in a tension towards a developmental dimension explicitly sexual that often is intended to frustration. The gay guy lives that friendship in a heavily sexualized way, hi masturbates thinking about his friend but cannot tell him that. Apparently a mechanism necessarily leads to a situation of deadlock, but in reality things are very different. In about 50% of cases, the evolution of the forms of sexual friendship is realistic hypothesis. As I said elsewhere, often not explicitly gay partners of these special friendships are sexually confused young guys with an apparently typical heterosexuality but with a typically gay affectivity, in other words are guys with latent homosexuality. In other cases they are guys who manifest a partial bisexuality, and other times are still objectively straight guys involved in a kind of very open friendship, which may appear similar to homosexual behaviors. In all these cases the special friendship may have not only a profound sense in the terms in which it manifests itself initially but may also present possible developments sometimes unexpected and unpredictable because it can lead to the maturation processes of awareness on the part of the boy who seams not explicitly gay but can expand the boundaries of to include ways of acting which are practically impossible for any pair of straight friends. A gay guy knowingly engaged in these kinds of friendships, conceives sexuality only within that friendship, for him the sexual experiences are neither a personal qualification nor a way of living a shared sexuality but an attempt to involve his friend, also from the sexual point of view, especially if such a hypothesis seems to be credited by various behavioral signs from the boy. If a guy loves another guy in an authentic manner and not only to make him just a sex object, he corresponds to the needs of the guy who he loves, hi will never try to impose in any way his own views or sexual categories. However, even when the beloved appears straight, the gay guy assumes that, under the appearances there is something gay. Adapting to your partner is not then adjust to what he reveals about himself, which could lead to situation that could remain locked in stalemate, but encourage the growth of the awareness of the submerged part of the personality of his friend. The gay guy, just pushed by the idea of latent homosexuality of his companion, could never stop with him to behave as if his reputation was 100% hetero. The gay guy must somehow build in his mind a step by step way so that gay sexual experiences, more or less explicit, can awaken the homosexuality of his friend. This is usually a genuine therapeutic path towards homosexuality. In this way, if the gay guy really loves his friend, important assumptions must be taken for granted:
1) If my friend is really straight, I’ll love him anyway.
2) The path-based sexual experiences are essentially oriented to the happiness of my friend, so I can be happy with him and share a sexual contact, but the purpose is not primarily my sexuality but his.
3) I have no haste and no absolute goals, but I will always adapt to my friends times and to his real needs.
These conditions combine a selfish dimension linked to the final satisfaction of sexuality in a loving altruistic motivation which is to promote the sexuality of others. The sexual experiences which gradually the gay boy assumes and somehow tries to achieve, if he has the possibility, assume in him forms of inhibition of sexuality and are governed by certain principles:
a) must be avoided anything that creates or stabilizes the inhibition, the aggression, the insistence, the tones that indicate frustration or disappointment.
b) You must take for granted that the most uninhibited behavior gradually arise spontaneously in very relaxed and tied game moments of non-sexual intimacy.
c) You must avoid taking non necessary actions or just in the wrong moments, while the response to the verbal and non-verbal proposals of their companion must be accompanied by an immediate smile.
d) You must adopt the highest availability to your companion, both of time and of emotional response. Devote time to your companion is the ultimate sign of attention.
e) You must be remembered that the purpose is not to have sexual intercourse with your partner but to allow him to overcome the blocks and inhibitions through an approach to the gay sexuality as smooth as it’s possible.
f) When your partner takes a step forward in the direction of the acceptance of gay sexuality, it should be presented as perfectly normal, expected and obvious. When there is a refusal, partial refusal or referral to another time, it must be accepted as not frustrating and in the relationship nothing should change.
Of course, the way towards acceptance of gay sexuality for some guys is long and for guys with latent homosexuality it may not lead to any conclusion, that means could not lead and in many cases does not lead to the emergence of homosexuality at conscious level.
The way of the gay experience, progressively more explicit, to bring a boy with latent homosexuality to the awareness of his sexual orientation may be interrupted shortly or can be very long and tortuous, and often the dreamed result is not achieved at all. The awareness of this fact by itself is more than enough to remove boys that are not really in love from the idea of embarking on this difficult road and this way, very arduous and with uncertain outcomes, remains the prerogative of the only guys who have real profound emotional interest to their friend. For these boys the real satisfaction is not to realize their personal dream to share sex with their friend but a path, or a stretch of path, that aims ideally at least to a deeper reciprocal emotional life.
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| ANOTHER GAY LOVE |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:46 PM - Forum: Gay discomfort
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Hello Project,
thank you for having wasted all of that time with me, i wouldn’t ever have expected that. At last, speaking with you caused me a strange effect, it brought me back in time.
They’ve been so many years that my experiences are the opposite of what you say on your blog, or at least they were so. Even if now I’m 40, I guess I have never used my brain, stupid things made by me in the past are a lot and even big for the most, and we talked about them the last night, but the most foolish thing I did, was for me to try to put my ego always on top, on the centre. I started to wander around those places and environments you dislike when I was pretty young, and I felt I was free and over all everything was simply. You do know that I took the Exam and it resulted negative; i’m going to take another test the next three months, but I really am not afraid if it will be positive, because for the past year I’ve been so careful. I’ve been lucky, but it’s not the same for a friend of mine that got it. I think that what brought back my mind to work was this one. I see myself in that guy, and I won’t leave him alone. Speaking of me, I feel like I was in a weird situation, as if everything I felt in the past made me able to understand those guys that live an extreem life as it had been mine.
Sometimes I think I could leave everything apart (except my job because I need it to live my life) and dedicate my life to the guys like me. I started to do things that made me kidded by others. I attended gay pubs and “harassed” guys and if they were really in troubles i tried to make them reason by telling them how I had been living and everything I told you. Some of them told me that I had to become friar. Some guys when being aware that I didn’t want to have sex with them thought I was mad. It has been so the most of times (a dozen of times in total) just in one case it happened in a different way, precisely with a 20 years old guy, who was really lost (addicted by drugs also) and was trying anything to throw out his life.
In his house there was noone, ever, and noone was looking for him. At school he was a failure. When I first met him, he was attending the fifth class (last year of high school in italy – e.n.) for the second time because he had been fired. Project, you won’t believe me but meeting this guy has been the “turning point” of my life. Until 37, I had been living in the worst scruffiness, the only serious thing in my life was my job, but I had been wasting all I possessed and the whole of what I didn’t to spend every night in pubs looking for guys andI had lost the count. If you had seen my home you surely would have been scared of what you could have found in it, rubbish and mould everywhere, sheets dirty like crap, honestly I said everything I had to. Then I met him, Marco (fake name). He told me about terrible matters, almost always and only about death and inadequacy, he thought he hadn’t a reason to still live. Sometimes I thought he could be able to commit suicide, because of how much despair his eyes were full of. I invited him to my home, he came in guessing the reason was sex, i guess he did so because of his past experience, I was attracted by him and I felt a bit of temptation, no a lot of it, but I resisted and I played a role between the elder brother and the serious friend. At the end of the day he asked me if I could let him stay for the night, so I spent the time til 2 am to clean “his” room (my house has 2 rooms), i worked like a slave and even washed the floor (that had been like that for a year); initially he observed me, but then he helped me out.
We filled 10 sacks with rubbish, we cleansed the place of all the dust and I gave him the only clean sheets I found- He wanted to sleep with the doors open. The next morning when I woke up he was still asleep (at 6.00 am al least), I told him I was going out and buy some milk and he answered by whining. When I got home, he had already waken and was washing the bathroom. He asked me “Who lives here with you?” and when I answered “noone” he asked me to let him stay. I answered positively, I gave him some money because he hadn’t and I got to office. When i came back at 5.00 pm I found him busy for all the work, the house was bright as a mirror, he had done several washing and even cooked. It was the end of july, in september the school was going to begin but he didn’t want to study by all means and if I tried to speak about that matter he didn’t answer me so I had to blackmail him “If you want to stay you must study, otherwise you’ll have to leave!”. At first he answered me with bad words, then he told me that he wouldn’t be able to understand the subjects because he was stupid.
In the evening we started to make projects about the school, he seemed perplexed but not annoyed.
He wanted to make love with, he said that he felt like it was a spontaneus feeling and this event made me baffled so I told him I had no faith in him and that we had to have the test (hiv) at first and then again because of the window period; he accepted it as answer and didn’t say anything about the subject. The evening we watched the TV, me on the armchair and him lying on the sofa laughing sometimes and I won’t ever forget the way he smiles.
The next day I went to his school and took the modules for his subscription and when I returned home he gazed at me surprised and told me “So you were serious!”. He never left home, I thought he soon or late would have had the need of visiting those pubs again but he never did, he never asked me for money also. After a week that was his home also.
So, Project, he will have the maturity exam soon. I went to school and talked with his teacher telling them I was his uncle (not true) and Marco receives good marks and I guess he will go to the university. He still lives with me, he has been the best thing ever happened in my life, and I hope he finds a nice guy that will love him because I’m afraid that he will grow fond of me too much. I’m half scared of and I half wish it. Now no pubs for me and him either.
In my life I had sex with many guys and never with Marco, even so, I love him so much and I feel loved.
I don’t know if ours his a gay couple or an association of desperate people but he is the most wonderful thing in my life.
Now I know what loving a guy is, before I had never known it. Before I thought that love and sex were the same thing but then I understood that it’s not like it.
Project, this is the story I started to tell you yesterday and you’ve been the only trusting me!
Thank you Project! I wander about what would have happened if I had noticed about GayProject 20 years ago…
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| EXPLORE GAY SEXUALITY AT THE AGE OF 25 |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:40 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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Hallo Project,I’m a 25 y. o. guy. I came to U.S. few months ago in order to reach my goal and get specialized in high energy physics. I came from Eastern Europe and I was used to speak English during my university training. I think my English could sound very strange to native English speakers. I’m sorry, I don’t speak Italian al all. I got in touch with Gay Project only reading the English blog “Not only gay”. I got there by chance searching for “Maurice” the novel by Forster on Google. At that time I was searching for novels to read in English in order to improve my reading and my vocabulary. Well, that’s why I got in touch with your blog. Clearly I like better improve my English reading gay novels because I’m gay. On “Not only gay” I got your novel “Only seven days”, something that troubled me deeply. In my home country I had an excellent education at all but I missed the very essential thing. Basically I was forced to deal alone with my homosexuality, because I’ve never had anyone to talk seriously about these things. Up to 24 y. o., I simply removed the problem and I pretended that there wasn’t any problem. I was always studying, I had to think of anything else and so I walked away from the idea of being gay, or rather I was trying to convince myself more and more to be straight. In my country I had a girlfriend and I told her again and again that we could not get married because I would have gone abroad to study and she would not have been able to follow.
I now begin to understand that in fact my desire to go to study abroad was largely due to the idea to get away from her. She is a girl that I admire but I don’t love. I think if I get the chance, I’ll stay to live in the U.S.. For the moment I still have much to study and study hard. But I’m starting to open my eyes about myself and about life that I have done until now. I do not like pornography, I’d really like to talk about homosexuality in a serious way. As I told you I do not speak Italian but I tried to read the English translation of your posts through Google translator, it’s not the best but at least I could follow your arguments.
Well, now you understand how I came up with “gay project”. I have many things to ask, but first I must tell you a little about me. Basically my sexuality was just straight up to 23. I tell you “basically”, because I had a girl and had normal sexual intercourse with her but also, despite everything, I was still attracted to guys, I did not want to accept it, but it was so. I have come to deny even the most obvious things, even my sexual desire, I have completely removed the masturbation because my fantasies ran toward the boys and I could not accept such a thing. I was taught that sex was a bad thing, dirty, ugly, and I could not think otherwise. I read that many guys have lived similar things and I found myself in some of your posts.
Now I’m slowly discovering my sexuality but everything remains at the level of masturbation, I do not think in any case I could have sexual intercourse with a boy, it’s as if his physical contact disgusts me. And then there’s the other big problem, I have never been in love with a guy, with the girls I am comfortable with the guys I feel deeply uncomfortable and I cannot see a boy as a love object but only as an object of sexual interest. I do not know if this situation may change over time, but now I’m 25 and I fear that things will not change. I have few friends here in the U.S., I have colleagues who are very serious people, but they are all straight, or so it seems, and I don’t think I could talk freely with them of my things. What can I expect from the future? just study and never affective and sexual life? Now I’m working hard to specialize and to find work as soon as possible but I also want to start living my life from other points of view. I see that others live their lives peacefully, but I think I have only to study because I cannot live things I still dream. When I go to bed I dream of hugging a guy, a guy who was my boyfriend, but I have no boyfriend and dreams remain dreams. I don’t want to start looking for a guy here, don’t even know the language well and outside the university I still feel like a foreigner.
I think you understood my problem well enough, if you can, answer me in private. If you want, publish this email as well, but if you can, try to answer me by mail.
A hug.
B. K.
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| SEXUALLY SELF-REPRESSED GAY GUYS |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:36 PM - Forum: Gays and sex
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This post is to point out the mechanism of self-repression of homosexuality.
Sexual orientation is not a choice but a matter of fact, this is not the place to ask what caused it, what concerns us here is that sexual orientation has nothing to do with the personal choices, you are straight, gay or bisexual or you are not but certainly you don’t choose to be or not to be.
In dealing with issues related to sexual orientation a guy starts from unconsciousness to reach consciousness of being gay, and then comes the acceptance of being gay, if there are not external disturbing factors the transition is gradual and not traumatic and can be done with a time pattern extremely variable. There are guys that at 14 have fully accepted their homosexuality, and there are adult men who are unable to accept it even over 50 and we will soon see why.
Factors that may affect the process towards the awareness and acceptance are many and vary widely depending on age and individual condition, all of them slow down or prevent the acceptance of homosexuality and are factors of spontaneous repression of sexuality.
Before puberty it is improper to speak of homosexuality, the term has a specific meaning only after puberty when a boy begins to experience physical sexuality and discovers masturbation. This is where come the first forms of repression of sexuality, both heterosexual and gay, based on feelings of guilt related to masturbation. These are the years in which a boy considers masturbation something very private and forbidden and tries to find out spaces that allow privacy needed for a sexual exploration not put at risk by disturbing elements. The moralistic religious awareness and education, which sees sexuality as something abnormal, can repress sexuality in the bud and tie it firmly to guilt. These mechanisms apply to all boys, straight and gay, but while around 11/13 for heterosexual boys peer group tends to present heterosexual sexuality, and in particular hetero masturbation as a transgression that somehow you need to afford in order to become a man, and this relieves the repressive capacity of faith-based or family-based mechanisms and strengths the sense of belonging to the group, based on having the same sexuality of the other boys, for gay boys peer group acts in the opposite direction because gay sexuality is heavily branded with epithets of various kinds. A gay guy does not identify himself in sexual experiences of his comrades and realizes easily that while they can talk and boast about their experiences in order to be considered adults, this possibility for him is ruled out. These are the terrible years of high school, probably the most unpleasant for a gay guy who has to realize that his sexuality is not only different from that of other guys but is considered degrading and dirty. This fact often doesn’t lead to radical forms of repression of gay sexuality of younger men, but only to repression of its visible manifestations. At 14, a boy, however, does not court explicitly another boy because it affects social reactions, but usually gay masturbation sexuality is not at all conditioned by social attitudes. I should note that in most cases not even religious repression can produce feelings of guilt in younger guys about their being gay. The kids who go to church, confess that they had masturbated, not that they had masturbated with gay fantasies, that means they feel guilty the act and not the fantasy that determines it. Many kids are spontaneously so far from considering homosexuality a sin in itself that when they realize that the church condemns homosexuality, they are strongly perplexed. Basically I mean that homosexuality discovered through masturbation after puberty is influenced by constraints that hamper its external manifestations but still cannot blame it in the eyes of younger guys.
So far we dealt with children who have lived their childhood and their pre-adolescence smoothly and without any lack of affection. The speech is certainly more complicated when children grow up in stressful situations or are subjected to traumas (watching scenes of violence, suffering physical violence from family members, be unwittingly involved in sexual activities by adults). About these situations, and about children who show significant forms of anxiety or markedly depressive tone already in adolescence or about those with disorders characterized by recurrent ideas from which it does not seem possible to be free, we should broaden the discussion a lot. The period from 11 to 14 is really delicate, boys put the bases of emotional and psychological aspects of sexuality and this must happen in a calm atmosphere, free of tension and examples of family affective relations can be reference points.
But leaving aside these much more complex situations, we have to ask why the mechanisms of self-repression of gay sexuality acts more heavily on older boys and adults than on younger boys. To answer this question we must keep in mind that young boy’s sexuality should be structured and built without the need to demolish anything, an older boy and an adult, who already have a structured sexuality, freeing the development of its gay sexuality, may require a process of destruction of their previous sexual identity, that means of the previous consciousness of a different sexual identity. In other words, an older boy or an adult to accept his gay sexual identity has to demolish the concept of himself as a heterosexual and has to be able to replace it with a different sense of himself as gay and all that meets considerable resistances.
Generally gay guys who have felt gay from the beginning don’t experiment stronger forms of self-repression of homosexuality, on the contrary those who have formed a consciousness of themselves as heterosexuals and are in the position of having to undermine much of the structure of their personality are usually strongly self-repressed. In essence, the real mechanisms involved in suppression of homosexuality are something that aims to protect a sexuality already structured in another way. The question that arises is, however, why a gay guy can end up structuring an hetero sexuality, that is having an image of himself as a hetero? Here the mechanism is not repressive and stems essentially from a series of errors of interpretation in which the guy falls or is induced to fall for the fact that we are immersed in a society that emphasizes heterosexual signals and neglects all those gay .
Let me give an example, considering only two symmetric situations, the first a boy who considers himself like a gay and nevertheless feels straight sexual feelings, the second a guy who considers himself heterosexual and fells sexual gay feelings. We will see that if there can be misinterpretation in both cases, the sexual repression works only in the second case, that is for the guy who has considered himself heterosexual and feels sexual gay feelings.
A gay guy, that is, a guy who has a gay masturbation, which is in a sexual situation involving a girl, goes to the erection, can experiment sexual desire for that girl, may even get to have sex with her, even engaging sex. Based on the model of interpretation related to the sexual “behavior” all that leads to the deduction: “I can have sex with a girl in a pleasant way, so I’m straight!” This reasoning is comforting because, inter alia, shall release the boy from complications of being gay and is reassuring in terms of social acceptance. Underestimating gay masturbation sexuality in favor of heterosexual couple sex in order to identify sexual orientation does not operate any form of repression.If we consider a guy who has always felt straight, that is, with masturbation and with a couple sexuality consistently straight, and hypothesize that this guy starts to feel sexually attracted to another guy, to the point of masturbating thinking about that guy or even have sex with him, we’ll “not” automatically deduct: “I’m sexually attracted to a guy, so I’m gay!” because in this case the deduction would be destabilizing, and to accept it the guy should deconstruct the vision of himself as a heterosexual to replace it with a vision of himself as gay. These are the typical situations in which triggers the repression of gay sexuality. The guy who thinks he’s hetero stops to meet the guy who awakes his sexual responses because this way the risk of destabilizing his own sexuality decreases, but usually this is not enough, he even forcibly stops masturbating because his masturbation would be gay, something that undermines his sexual straight identity.
I want to emphasize a key element: repression of gay sexuality has two complementary aspects: the first is expressed in avoiding every occasion of gay sexual arousal and the second manifests itself in a heightened level of heterosexual couple activity, the latter mechanism leads often to neurotic reactions because it is not desired for reasons of sexual affection but related mechanisms for confirmation of sexual identity. In some cases, the repression of sexuality leads to irrevocable decisions as gay marriage, which is considered in these cases like a medicine of homosexuality, it makes no sense under any point of view. Homosexuality, however repressed, ends up sooner or later to return to the surface.
I add another important thing. To push forcefully toward heterosexuality gay guys who repress their homosexuality in favor of a possible couple relationship and of a heterosexual marriage are often girls who do not have the foggiest idea of what homosexuality really is and who feel ready to lead, or trying to encourage their guys to exclusive heterosexuality on the basis of women seductive arts. These things, at first, seem also to be successful because the elimination of gay sexuality is compensated by a more intense and hetero sexuality and heterosexuality is more socially accepted and encouraged and gives the feeling of being really straight. But by far the mechanism is worn and often the same girls who have encouraged their gay guys to the marriage find themselves in positions of stark contrast with their husbands they can not in any way accept like homosexuals. A heterosexual woman marries a man because she thinks that he isn’t gay or at least that is no more gay, because she identifies the guy’s sexual orientation with sexual behavior she can see and not with the sexual desires that she cannot see, when she discovers that her husband is actually gay and that in a marital situation he feels uncomfortable she gets angry with her husband and considers him like a marriage traitor, but really, if the guy said how things were before marriage and the girl came to her decision to marry the same, often family members and personages of various kinds are involved, they not knowing anything about homosexuality are as trusted advisors in such a sensitive area.
A final consideration. From the repression of homosexuality tied to the mechanisms we have described above it’s possible to exit only if the environment is favorable and if a gay man has the courage to say the truth, what can never be taken for granted. There are people who prefer to repress or perhaps don’t have in fact any choice. In any case you cannot replace a repressed gay and try to get him out of his sexual repression on the basis of your way of seeing things. Get out of self-imposed sexual repression is not easy. And you can’t take for sure that it could have always a positive result without the required conditions.
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| GAY GUYS IN THE POOL BETWEEN TENDERNESS AND SEXUALITY |
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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 09-04-2017, 07:32 PM - Forum: True gay stories
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Hello Project
I opened by chance “gay project” and I started to read, it’s really amazing for me to find myself at ease here, nothing is too much or too little, there are just the lives of gay guys as they are. I never thought to write to someone to talk about myself so intimately but since there is the anonymity I opened a new email and I am determined. I thought of writing to ask for an opinion, or just to speak about my mind, on an issue that now is buzzing in my head a lot and that is the relationship between sex and affection, that is meaning of the sex when you fall in love with a boy .
I start from the beginning. I am 21 years old, studying at university, I never had a real social life, friends or anything like that, at school I played play of others, I pretended to be straight, as I think it’s almost mandatory to do so, I had my little falling in love with a mate, a straight guy, I’ve suffered at the beginning, then I accepted everything. At University you can find a lot of hot guys you like but it’s like at school, all straight. We study and in practice we have nothing better to do, even during the breaks, when teachers change, I never go out of the classroom and spend my time re-ordering notes.
At home, then fully comedy, I’m only child, shamelessly pampered by my mom and two aunts living at my home, not by my father who at least doesn’t asphyxiates me. At home I haven’t any gay book or gay film. I never speak about girls, this is obvious, but neither about guys, I can speak about my friends only for study and exams. Apparently no one is asking too many questions. I never heard at home the classic question: “Do you have a girlfriend?”. In such an environment, guarded in practice on sight and without any kind of occasions, for me, sexuality has always been a problem.
I cannot talk to anyone at any level and I have to be careful not to even be in front of my TV when they send some news about gays. They are not homophobic, just believe that gay people live on other planets and that “we, normal people, have nothing to do with those” exact words of my aunt. I discovered masturbation quite late, at 15, because since that time these topics have been regularly set aside as if total ignorance could prevent who knows what. I was so far away from sexual things that when I masturbated for the first time and I got a lot of ejaculation I was worried because I had not really understood what it was and thought there was something wrong and that the white stuff was perhaps due to the fact that I gave off too much and that I had broken something inside, maybe in the kidneys.
And then I could not talk to anyone, I was really afraid of being hurt, that I measured the fever many times because I thought something would happen to me but nothing happened. At the time I could not even look at the internet because I did not have a computer of mine and search sex on my father’s computer would sound very strange to me.
Then my parents are Catholic and, at least to a certain point, even I’m, and then we went to church on Sunday, mom and aunts were always doing the communion and I was doing as well. In practice at 15 I went to confess every Sunday that I masturbated, I promised myself to stop but then absolutely, I inevitably had to fall back, in practice it was the same story every week. I never told the priest that I was gay because that is not sin, at least I understood it. In essence, a depressing thing, a struggle with myself that was repeated every week.
Then when I was 16 my parents gave me my first computer of my own and there I was the mother of invention, I have studied with great care as you put the password so no one could access my computer, I think my father would not have ever done such things for reasons of principle (and I respect him because he respects me) but my mother would put her hands there, and I’m sure she thinks it is the duty of a good mother to meddle in the affairs of the son, but finally, put the password, I could feel comfortable.
I could lock myself in my room, but this would not have been tolerated, but I had my computer where no one could be in the way of my business. I rearranged the furniture in my room and put my desk looking toward the door, so no one could enter without me noticing him and I placed the location of my computer so I could have time to change the page if someone had walked into. Internet for me meant especially pornography. At first it was just an obsession, I could not wait, in the evening, to put myself in front of the computer even if I had to wait until all were gone to bed. At first it was really a frenetic hunt for free porn sites, but I was and I’m still very selective, porn, yes, but there must be something sweet, affectionate, otherwise I change. I took a huge collection of photos, not video, looking for my ideal physical model of boy and then I worked on trying to build my fantasy movie with a story of a boy, a kind of tender love story and also sex, all mixed together. All my sexuality was reduced to masturbation and these fantasies, but I liked a lot. I was not frustrated or thinking that I was really missing something, or at least I did not think so until recently.
And here begins the second part of the story. I’m pretty tall and very thin, and after a disturbing flue, the family doctor insisted that I could practice sports. At first I just didn’t want to because I had never done such things, even as a child, then my parents insisted and I started to think that in fact it could also have a purpose in a sexual way, so I accepted, three times a week in a swimming pool close to my home (I go there on foot in 20 minutes). I go there in the afternoon at 18.00 in order to have a little free time to devote to other things.
The first time I went there to register and pay the fee I was upset: a nice place, very clean and very well equipped, I was put at the beginners course and I did know the coach, a guy about 25/30 maximum, beautiful, with a beautiful smile and an athletic handshake. However it was a very short conversation. In the afternoon I bought swimsuit, bathrobe, towel and bag, I tried the swimsuit the less compromising and useful to defend more in case of erection and then I got just an erection paranoia: what if it happens to me? And I started going back and forth: I’ll go or not go?
And then I wondered if the showers had partitions and many other such things, however I decided to go swimming wearing my swimsuit under my trousers to overcome at least the first embarrassed, then, if necessary, I could get away 10 minutes before the others and go in the locker room when no one was there. I was very uncertain, however, my parents had paid money in order to let me practice sports and then I was expected to do so, in short, at 17.45 o’clock, the day after, I made my entrance into the pool, the coach was there, we shook hands with other boys.
Guys more or less about my age where many, in all about a dozen on the 15 scheduled. The coach told us to sit on the benches poolside waiting “those” of the previous course to get out of the locker room, a course for girls, so you cannot get in the dressing room until they have finished, the coach told us in a mischievous smile very spontaneous, I could say typically straight, which led me to exclude him from the number of interesting guys.
Meanwhile, I eyed three boys pretty good and in particular one of the three who had reacted in an embarrassed way to the coach’s speech. Then after minutes we entered the locker room I took a seat on the bench right next to that guy, I do not know if he realized he was embarrassed but he really was.
I had already my swimsuit on and I was pretty quiet, but he put on the swimsuit there, but in a special way. He had a very long shirt (I think he had it chosen for that very reason), first he pulled out the edges of the shirt that practically covered the entire “x area” then he lowered his trousers pulling them from the bottom, without raising flaps of the shirt, then he pulled down pants with a very similar maneuver, and put on the swimsuit and to bring it up took it form over his shirt, in practice it all lasted no more than 10 seconds and, of course, I saw nothing, then he took off his shirt and I’ve saw him with only the swimsuit on. He was beautiful! A hundred times better than me!
In the meantime I had taken off my trousers and shirt and I was in my swimsuit too. I searched his x zone and in practice I didn’t see anything, obviously he was so embarrassed that the situation gave him no sexual reaction, for me it was not exactly like that, but my swimsuit was pretty adequate and contained me fine, however I tried to distract me to lower that principle of erection. During the lesson there were other people, there was the coach and then I got distracted. However, the guy threw furtive glances to me every now and then, and sometimes I even caught him looking at me. In practice, I wondered what he would do at the end of the lesson, if I could see him naked and what should I do with showers.
Then the time came. We went into the locker room and he repeated the same maneuver he had done when he put on the swimsuit, exactly on the contrary, in practice it dried his chest, put the “drop down” shirt and then took off the swimsuit, dried himself and put on his briefs, and always under the flap of the shirt, this time everything was very fast and I did not see anything. I put on the robe, dried and got dressed under my bathrobe, but I can say right in the most beautiful moment my bathrobe opened and I saw him throwing the eye over there, suddenly he turned away and apologized. A very unusual thing in a locker room of a swimming pool.
I finished in a few seconds to get dressed, red-faced with embarrassment, but I did not want to lose contact with him, even if, instead of seeing him, he had been who had seen me. While he was putting things in the bag I thought to ask him why he apologized but probably it would create embarrassment so I just asked if it was the first time he was in the pool (stupid question), and from there we started talking a little, he was relieved that I had not given weight to the episode of the bathrobe.
We went to the bar, had a drink then I asked if he had a car, he said no and I offered to accompany him home because, unusually for my habit of walking, I came by car. I took him home, rather distant, about 20 minutes by car, we spoke only of sport and training, when he left, he greeted me with a nice handshake, very determined. I’ll call him Mark, but actually he has an unusual name that inspires me very gently.
My parents at home noticed that I got good experience in the pool and they were happy. I know Mark has completely changed my life, not that apparent, of course, but the sexual life. In practice it is almost completely eclipsed the era of pornography and started the era of Mark. I’m in an immense tenderness and this is the point, it is a sexual tenderness, practically all of my sexuality is dedicated only to him and all my mental films have a single protagonist. I love him because it’s a good guy, if possible even more clumsy than me, but I also want him sexually, and I’m not ashamed to say so.
We were in the early days of embarrassing situations in which I felt guilty because I had not spoken to him so clear, for example, sometimes in the evening I called him on the phone, I told him that I could not say too much because my parents where at home and I did not have the privacy I wanted, but he called me a lot, usually half an hour and more and it was the same for me, and those calls have a strong erotic value even now, when I know he’s going to call me I go to bed and talk on the phone while masturbating under the covers. Of all this I feel a bit guilty, because he doesn’t know, but I would have liked him to do the same.
Over time, the pool, things are a little changed, and we became real friends, I used to take him at home and get him back home three times a week and we talked about a lot of thing but never about things related to sex. In the locker room the embarrassment of the first time had slowly passed, he used no more his “drop down” shirt and changed by my side remaining naked for a second, just like I started to do, and he used to give me a look at that time, just as I did with him, it seams too little thing, but I looked at him and he pretended it was nothing.
At the end between us it was a kind of sexual contact accepted. I had noticed that, as Americans would say, he is well endowed in that department and I cannot deny that when I think about that my blood is boiling. Then an event occurred that changed things completely. One evening, after I drove him home, we were talking a long time in the car and in practice we have declared each other.
Before he made a long preamble that could mean only one thing, then I asked if I could hold his hand and he said yes, it was a close intense moment that never ended, I told him: “Do I embarrass you if I say that I’m sexually aroused?” He said: “It happens to me too.” It had been more than five months since our first meeting. Embracing Mark, I can finally kiss him, touch him even intimately knowing that he’s fine with that and see that there really is an experience sexuality in unison, with practically identical reactions, I see a guy who “wants” to stay with me, I think we are a couple and this probably will not collapse, such tings make me feel great. Now we’ve been together many months and my life changed. My sexuality belongs to Mark.
Unfortunately we cannot live our feelings in the light of the sun, but there is nothing I would change on the world for the joy of being near him, because he’s a sweet guy, a bit as I think I’m, but he is also much sensual. When we are intimate it seems to me to dream. Unfortunately we attend different studies and probably would have very different tasks, we live our history in secret, and can meet once a week and spend together Saturday afternoon and Sunday in a small house outside of town in the Apennines, the last few months it was bitterly cold and stay embraced under the covers was just something very tender. It’s great to live together sex and tenderness.
Sometimes I’m afraid it’s only a dream and that it could end at any moment, when he’s out traveling by car I make him send me a text message every time he arrives at destination, and I do the same with him. We must save our happiness. That’s why I wanted to tell the boys of gay project that sex and tenderness are one thing, and happiness is possible! So brave! An affectionate greeting to you, Project, who put on this project. Of course you can publish my mail. A hug to all my dear.
Michael
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