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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 1 hour ago - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Dear Project,
my name is Mario, I’m a 74-year-old Roman who saw his partner die, after trying to do everything to save him, but the doctors and himself were aware of how it would end. It was a very short thing, lasting 31 days in all. He tried to tell me until the end that he loved me and that he was happy to have been with me. He was five years younger than me and I could never have imagined what happened. Almost eight months have passed now, and I have overcome the anxieties of the first moments that made me cry alone without consolation. Now I have his photos, memories and he continues to live inside me. We lived together for almost 40 years and in this we were lucky, because 40 years ago the idea of living together for two men was a utopia and nothing else, but for us it has become reality. When we met I was 33 and he was 28, but we both worked. He was a young engineer and I was a slightly older English teacher. At the time, I took it for granted that I would never have a partner and was still living in my parents' home. I had never gotten along with my parents, who still didn't know about my homosexuality (and it never occurred to me to think about opening up to them). We didn’t get along especially for political reasons, my mother was a Christian Democrat also and above all because she didn’t read the newspapers and didn’t understand anything about politics, my father was still living in the myth of the “twenty years” (the fascist period) and for him the parties of the left were like smoke in the eyes. We had begun to feel mutual impatience the year before, at the time of the kidnapping and murder of Moro [Aldo Moro, president of the Christian Democrat Party, killed bay Red Brigades]. On the one hand my father hated the Red Brigades but on the other he also hated Moro for his openness to the Communist Party, and towards Moro he used derogatory expressions of the worst kind. My mother told me that the only thing that could be done was to pray and in any case she wasn’t able to understand the double game of so many Christian Democrats who couldn’t stand Moro and supported the line of firmness. I liked Moro a lot, I always thought he was an honest man who didn't act out of personal interest. And so Moro's story was also the collapse of my family's balance. My parents began to consider me a communist by now irrecoverable to their classic petty bourgeois common sense-opportunism. In practice, I too, although I cannot say that I had begun to hate my father, certainly I had come to the conclusion that there would never be any possible serious conversation between us and on the basis of this, I made an impetuous request for a transfer to go to teach in another province and said nothing at home. Once I submitted the application, I regretted sending it, anyhow I couldn't go back now, but I considered the possibility of actually obtaining the transfer rather remote. Instead, at the end of the summer of '78 I was informed that I had been transferred to a very distant province (Turin). It was very difficult for me to tell my parents, especially since I hadn't told them that I had asked for a transfer. They took it as a real betrayal, a sudden knife stabbed in a premeditated way inflicted to my father and mother. My father was really disgusted by me, he said that he had grown a snake in his bosom, my mother tried to keep him good, but if she hadn't been there, I would have really come to blows with my father. I left home when my father was at work, breaking away from my mother's hugs and promising that I wouldn’t disappear and that I would send her my new address as soon as possible. There were about 40 days before the beginning of the school year and I stayed in a hotel in Turin until I found a mini-apartment not very far from the school. It was at school that I met Carlo. The Province and the Education Superintendent had plans to build new school buildings and the company where Carlo worked had won a contract, or something similar, and it was decided that a series of meetings should be held at my school, with the planners, with some officials of the Province, with some officials of the Superintendency and with some principals. My principal told me that I would be part of the group, which was a show of confidence that I couldn't resist anyway. The first meeting was just for presentation, we were 14 people, and all they did was establish a calendar for the following technical meetings. I thought that all the meetings would be rituals like the first one but it wasn't so. In the first meeting, however, I immediately noticed Eng. Carlo B., who seemed to me a really nice guy, but nothing more. In the second meeting very animated discussions took place, Eng. Carlo B. unrolled projects and tried to explain the technical problems but then began the brawl of the buts, of the but instead, of the could and should, etc. etc.. It was after 10pm, the meeting that began at 4pm was going on and showed no sign of moving towards its conclusion. Carlo looked at the clock every five minutes, then stopped looking after 11.00 pm. The meeting ended at 11.30pm. They all left because they had their cars parked in the yard. There I realized that Carlo had no car and I told him. "I can accompany you somewhere and he told me that he would spend the night in the hotel and that he would leave by train the next morning, because by now there were no more trains that suited him, and it was there that I almost instinctively played my cards: "If you want to go to the hotel, I'll take you downtown, but if it's okay for you, you could sleep at my house too, it's small but it's just a few minutes from here, then I'll take you to the station tomorrow morning before going at school." He didn't have it repeated twice, he just said to me:" But do you think it can really be done? " I replied: "Sure!" He said to me: "It things are so, well, thank you!" Our story began like this. It was December, it was freezing cold, but I left my bed and upholstery to him and went to sleep on the sofa. In the morning we had breakfast together, then I accompanied him to the station, we were both visibly happy to have broken the ice. He left me the phone number of his parents' house, I took it but told him I didn't have a phone but perhaps I could call him with a payphone. At school the principal was thrilled with me because I hadn't given up on him and began to treat me with a special eye. The next technical group meeting was scheduled for a month, I just had to wait, but the wait would have been too long, after not even a week I thought about calling Carlo on the phone, I first prepared all the speech to give, a very official speech if the parents had answered and a very different and very friendly speech if Carlo had answered . I decided that the ideal time to call would be around 20.00, at 20.00 sharp I called and told his mother that I was the prof. Mario C. of the Institute's technical coordination group ..., the lady replied that if I left my number her son would call me back as soon as he returned from work, it seemed ugly to answer that I didn't have a phone and I simply told her to notify the Engineer that I would call him back the next day. But the next morning it was he who called me back to school, because perhaps he thought there were really problems related to the coordination group, but when they came to call me in class because there was a phone call for me in the secretary I understood perfectly that the reason was another. There were people and obviously I couldn't speak too friendly. I told him: "Good morning Engineer!" and he replied: "Hi Mario!" I went on using a very polite and almost ceremonial language and he replied: "This morning I'm in Turin and I finish at 11.00, would you like to have lunch with me?" I replied: "Look, it was just what I would have suggested, I believe that the project can start much better this way!" Three hours later we were having lunch together! We were friends now. It was evident that there was a mutual interest but on both sides the prudence was maximum, we strictly avoided too personal arguments, we talked about our experiences of study and work, at first we didn't talk about politics, I didn't know how to frame him even from that point of view, then slowly I began to notice on his face some expression of disappointment those rare times that we spoke of Christian Democracy, or at least of certain Christian Democrat politicians, of others, however, he had great esteem. Once we also talked about Moro and it was evident that the kidnapping and murder of Moro had upset him, even if he was not well informed about the facts. Slowly we began to talk about petty politics and I almost always found myself in agreement with him. He spoke of socialism with some enthusiasm, but not of Craxi's socialism, but of Nenni's socialism. We also discussed literature, once he told me about a novel by Pavese, "The house in the hills", a novel that I didn’t know, but rather than talking about partisans and Germans, he focused on the relationship between Corrado, the protagonist, a very disenchanted professor coming from Turin, and Dino, a very young guy, whom Corrado suspects is his son. The relationship between the alleged father and the alleged son, in the book, is hinted at, more than clarified. Corrado sees himself in the young guy, who will eventually join the partisans, while he will not be capable of anything like this and will close himself in his inner world made of awareness and above all renunciations. In the novel, which I then read almost immediately, it also speaks of Corrado's relationship with Dino's mother and of two other women who host Corrado, but obviously this was not what struck Carlo. Then once we also talked about Bassani and the “Finzi-Contini Garden”, where there is also a hint linked to homosexuality. Carlo was well acquainted with the book, evidently he had read it several times but never mentioned homosexual references. After that first lunch together in Turin we got into the habit of meeting every Sunday, he always came to me by train and left with the last useful train at 11.00 pm. We met in the morning around nine and spent the whole day together, obviously we never talked about girls, and this led us to hope, but the doubts remained and they were very strong. As Christmas was approaching, I asked him what he would do for Christmas and he simply told me that he would be at home with his parents because he was an only child and had only his parents. From there we started talking about our family relationships. His parents had spent every penny to get him to study and he, once he became an engineer, somehow felt he had to repay them, he had to at least devote his time to his parents and somehow had to compensate them for everything they were deprived of to make him study, also for this reason he worked from morning to evening and then had a very special emotional relationship with his parents. His parents weren't old, but it was a bit like he considered himself the father of those he called "my two old folks". All this seemed very strange to me. I told him about the quarrels with my father for political reasons and the final ruin of my family following my transfer to Turin, requested without saying anything to my parents. But Carlo surprised me with his answer: “If that was the situation, you did very well to leave! For me it's different, my parents are very simple people but they taught me the true values of life. " Little by little we were getting closer to more personal confidences, obviously neither of us was talking about girls. We went on like this for almost six months, like good friends. I was in doubt whether to install the phone or not, with the phone I could call him, but in the end he would always call from home, so I didn't install the phone, but we continued to meet on Sunday, as had become tradition. We never gave ourselves gifts of any kind, partly out of superstition because we wanted everything between us to be free and without obligations. Then something unexpected happened, even if “somehow” expected. The 1st of June 1980 was Sunday and the 2nd was the feast of the Republic and therefore both he and I had two free days in a row, I proposed to him to stay and sleep with me and he accepted. I asked him how his parents would take it and he answered in an enigmatic way that they would be happy, I tried to deepen the discussion and he told me that his parents knew about our friendship, because he had talked about it and they were happy, then he added : "On the other hand, they never expected me to take a girl home." I pretended not to have understood and he said to me: "Come on, you understood very well!" I immediately gave up and told him. "So they know ...", he replied: "Sure, I told them ... but they don't know who you are, if they knew you I think they would be very happy." By now we were speaking clearly. He told me how he decided to talk to his parents. At the time of the university he was he was in Turin, retired in a room alone, and his  parents, those rare times they saw him, were very worried that he wouldn’t find a girl or at least a female company. Because they thought that a girl could make him feel better, and therefore they insisted that he had to "feel free" and it was from there that Carlo's whole speech started. His parents listened very carefully but they didn't think they already knew what Carlo was talking about, they trusted him and wanted him to make them understand what it meant to be homosexual. He just said it's exactly like when you fall in love with a girl, only instead of a girl it's a guy, but the feelings are the same. Then he said to me: “You won't believe me, but nothing has changed between me and my parents, my father has never been very expansive even before, but afterwards, when I came home, I felt much more pampered than before. I had the distinct feeling that my parents trusted me so much that they thought I would never do anything wrong or bad, the only thing they repeated to me was: 'what is good for you is good for us!' ”The night between 1st and 2nd June we didn't sleep but we told each other about our lives. Project, I think you can understand how liberating it was for us to understand that we had found another homosexual guy and that something nice was being built with that guy. Neither he nor I had the slightest experience of these things, I don't talk about sex, which was all in the realm of fantasy, but precisely on the affective side. Shortly before taking the train back on the evening of June 2, he asked me: "Would you like to meet my parents?" The request was unsettling for someone like me but I said yes and as he got on the train he told me: "So next Sunday you come to me!" I said yes, without even understanding the significance of such a thing. The following Sunday I took the train and at 9.00 I was with him, very embarrassed. He told me to take it easy and we went up to his house. The parents were more embarrassed than me and we made very few speeches. They offered me some traditional artisanal macaroons and told me that lunch was ready and that they would go to the house of one of Carlo's aunts. The father concluded: “We don’t want to embarrass you and in any case we thank you so much for having accepted our invitation.“ They greeted us a little awkwardly and left. I thought they were upset, but Carlo said to me: “Don't worry, they trust you too! My father is very shy, but I know him well! " Carlo took me around the valley, we walked a lot in the woods between ups and downs, he was happy and so was I, even though I thought I could never introduce Carlo to my father. Then, over time, we even got to have a little sex, but I won't tell you this because it is part of my and Carlo's private life and for me it is sacred. Carlo worked in Turin but used to take the train every day so as not to leave his parents alone, well, an incredible thing happened, one day we went to the home of Carlo's parents, his father told us: "My wife and I don't are still old and we can also be alone, but why don't you take an apartment together in Turin?" At the time it was not an easy thing at all because of demographic problems, that is, problems of cohabiting nucleus, etc. etc., the idea was very interesting but the doubts were many. Now I know we have been together all our life, but then I didn't know how it was going to end. In short, we came to the conclusion of buying two apartments on the top floor of a building, facing each other. He was a civil engineer and was able to choose the best. The condition was that the apartments were two and facing each other. One evening he arrived at my house all out of breath and showed me what seemed like an excellent opportunity. He explained to me about the exposure, the thermal insulation, because we would be on the top floor, he told me about transports, of those that were already there and of those that perhaps would be built later. At that time there was still no talk of the subway in Turin, but Carlo looked far away and following the urban development he expected that sooner or later a subway line would also pass through those parts, what then really happened but in years very close to us. The two apartments were not identical but they were both two rooms and the price was very similar. The next day (Sunday) we went to see them from the outside, he had already been there and had visited everything from the inside and since he was a professional and also understood the financial aspects he had seen that to buy the apartments we could also take on a share of the mortgage taken out by the builder in 1972 with the bank at a fixed rate of 4.8%, while in 1980 the mortgages went above 21%.Interest rates were expected to drop in the long run and Carlo insisted on repaying the mortgage after 10 years and no more. We would have finished paying very soon but it was at the limit of possible. Carlo used to say: “If there is a need, my parents come to stay with us and their house is rented or, at worst, sold. The appearance of the building was very dignified and Carlo assured them that the structure was modernly built following all the rules of the art. On Monday morning he went to the sales office and gave the down payment for his apartment, fixing the option of taking over the old mortgage. When he went out I went in immediately after, they showed me the apartment and it was really very nice and above all bright and with a splendid view. They told me that if I wanted I could have thought about it but I knew what I had to do and I also paid my deposit by making the compromise exactly according to what Carlo had suggested. He was waiting for me outside and we went to lunch together, by now we had our own houses, with 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms, divided in two, but over time we had already planned that Carlo and I would stay in my house and the other house could host his parents. We worked like crazy to pay for the two houses in ten years: he was awake doing calculations and drawing until late at night, in my apartment I was giving private lessons as much as I could. It was very difficult at first, but with the help of her parents we made it. Then our economic conditions improved and in 1990 we finished paying for the houses and furnished them in a less basic way. Before he only had furniture in the study where he worked and sometimes received people, but the other room was practically without furniture and the kitchen as well. In my house only the room where I used to give private lessons was furnished. The owners of the other apartments of the building didn’t consider us as a couple also because they saw very little of us, we were on the top floor, we never went to condominium meetings and gave the proxies to different people. When we met on the stairs we greeted each other like two complete strangers living in the same building, it was a ritual that may seem stupid but it served not to arouse curiosity. In 1990 he was 39 and I was 44, we were no longer young. That same year Carlo's mother got sick and came to stay with her husband at Carlo's house, while Carlo stayed at my house. We assisted Carlo's mother until the end in '93. The father suffered terribly from the trauma of widowhood, then he recovered, we spent a few good years together and then it also happened to him in '99 for a lung disease that took him away. Carlo was then 48 years old and I was 53, we were now mature men, with economic and job security and above all with emotional security. Nobody knew about us but we had our real world and we lacked nothing, we didn't care about the others and here there was another sudden turning point, my mother calls me and tells me that my father is sick, it was the height of summer and Carlo and I were planning a wandering holiday together, I ask Carlo what I have to do and he replies without hesitation: “Go pack your bags and we'll leave immediately!“ We traveled all night and the next morning we were in the hospital in front of my father's room. Before entering we asked the doctor who reassured us, then we went to him together and I said to him: "Dad I came here to take you to my house because you can be followed better." And he said to me: "What about your mother?" when I told him: "She's coming too!" he calmed down, then he looked at Carlo and said to me: "Who is that gentleman?" I replied: "That’s my partner ..." I was afraid that this thing could make him feel bad but nothing of the kind happened and my father said: "And what does he say if we come to stay with you?" I shook my father's hand and told him: "He says you have to come!" My mother was almost incredulous, then she started talking to Carlo. Eight days later my father was discharged from the hospital and we began the long journey to Turin. We stopped every now and then to let Dad rest because it was also very hot. Late in the evening, just before midnight, we arrived home in Turin. My father hadn’t yet realized that the two houses were separate, when he realized that he would have been alone with his wife in an apartment with his son on the same landing he calmed down. Carlo prepared the room for my father and my mother, then said goodbye and went to the other apartment to leave me alone with my parents. My father told me: “But he is a good man! He also took charge of us and he will also have his parents ... "I told him that he no longer had his parents and that his parents had lived with us until the end, then my father stared at me and said: “Then you too are a good man! And I was a fool who didn't understand it before. " Dad's health improved, he sat on the terrace looking at the mountains, I felt him calm, he often talked to Carlo and admired him, he said some very nice things about him, mum was serene, did some cooking and saw the family reunited as she would never have imagined, she first passed away in 2011 and then my father in 2012, when I was 68 years old. Since then, Carlo and I have been truly alone, we were now old but we thought that we could enjoy another piece of life and instead the Lord didn’t want it and we have been together for eight years only. Now my world is really finished, I’m the last of the row, and I have no heirs left: I don't know how long I will live and if there will be someone next to me when my time will come, but I have lived my life, I was very lucky and I’m fully aware of it. Meeting Carlo changed my life. The idea of separating ourselves never crossed our minds. Without him I would have been an absolute nothing, I would have felt frustrated, I wouldn’t have recovered the relationship with my father and I would never have had a true love life. I would like to tell the guys who will read this story that at the beginning no one ever knows how things will go, I at twenty took it for granted that I would always be alone but it didn't happen like that at all. I feel like an old man because I’m old but I have lived the life I wanted and with the person I wanted. There have been many problems but we have walked the road together and when I think of Carlo I know that in some way he is with me and will be with me until we rejoin in heaven.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 08-05-2020, 11:12 PM - Forum: Gay orientation - No Replies

Hi Project,
When you are 35 you are in middle way, in which you are no longer a boy but you are not even a mature man and the word future begins to hang over your head. Good or bad, I have a job, and luckily it is a stable job, I earn what I need to live and also for some extras, but without exaggerating, I have a car, I can afford to do some trips, trips of a few days but it’s enough for me.
What I miss is a mate. I also had my experiences, but in the end nothing left, those guys were only meteors, it seemed that they had to illuminate the world but then they ended up in nothing very quickly. From a relationship I would like some stability. I still have in mind the model of my parents who are still together after 45 years and, perhaps with some uncertainty, more or less have lived their life in two.
Habit and repetitiveness are not the best, but they reassure, that is, they are somehow certainties. And then my parents had the support of their families because they started a straight family to have children etc. etc., instead I would like a partner not to keep the world going but to feel good in two, but I never found that partner, all the guys had to think of something else, first of all of being free, which will also be a beautiful thing, but freedom at any cost doesn’t allow you to build a life as a couple and then there is the weight of sex which conditions a lot.
I think my parents haven't had sex in years but they have stayed together all the same. Perhaps the children for straight couples are like a strong glue. What is certain is that among gays everything is much more labile, at least from what I have experienced firsthand, because I have also seen gay couples really stable for many years, but nothing similar happened to me. I think that many times when you look for a guy you risk starting with too high expectations and then you have to downsize everything.
My father no longer wore the wedding ring because he has osteoarthritis and the ring was no longer the right size for his finger, and my mother bought another ring of the right size for my father to continue to wear it and he really started to wear it again, and yet they are old. This fact struck me. I won't be able to give anyone a wedding ring! That I will not be able to have children from a hypothetical partner of mine I have to accept it because it is so, but I cannot accept not to have a partner at all. I have thought many times that I’m too much difficult and always look for the best and after all I don't have a partner because I never really fell in love and I only looked for satisfaction, that is, I never really risked, and now I reap the fruits I deserve.
But there is nothing to do! Have I to start again over 35 and what for? Dating sites and apps? I really don't feel like it. The alternative in these cases would be to throw yourself into work, but with my work I have very little to do, I have no real worries but I don't even have real satisfactions, it's a daily routine and nothing more.
My parents don't know anything about me and expect me to come home out off the blue with a beautiful girl, but this doesn’t happen and the situation wears out: they say nothing to me and I say nothing to them. They are good people but there are many things they wouldn’t accept at all. This is also why I would like to go to work far away, just in another city, and maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend at the age of 35.I don't want to blame my parents because they are like that, they think like that because for them the world was that. They are not to blame but the fact remains that, willing or not, they have conditioned my life.
Sometimes I come to think that I do all the possible reasoning about a guy, but maybe I don't really want to look for a guy, I talk about it, but when the opportunity arises I run away. one guy doesn't suit me for one reason and another for another reason and in the end I work hard to ensure that no story comes to an happy end with anyone, I try to avoid problems, both with my family and with my hypothetical guy.
And then also the possibility of leaving home is purely hypothetical. If I quit my job, I would probably not find another and would fall from the pan into the embers. I’m ending up like spinsters who postpone their marriage from one year to the next and continue to live with their parents, but not because they don't want a husband, but because they are fine even without a husband.
Sometimes I think about old age and what it will be. At least my parents are aging in two, instead I'll be alone and basically I want it. I have not completely thrown in the towel, if an opportunity arises I would be happy, but it should be serious opportunity. All these new things like open couples aren't for me. That is, if the alternative to loneliness is that, well, then I prefer to be alone. I don't know if I have to consider myself a fool or a weak, it is certain that I don't want to fight, least of all in my house and so I let everything go like this.
Am I without character? After all this is the reproach that, more or less explicitly, I hear more frequently. Not everyone is born with the heart of a lion. If you are born sheep what do you want to do? You live the life of a classic sheep, you have no wolves to fear, you do what the shepherd wants every day and sooner or later you’ll end up in stew. I still see the stew phase far away, of course I would like to be a free animal, but if one feels like a sheep it is better that he lives as a sheep. I don't know what an old sheep might think, but I will learn it by living, then it may also be that I change nature and one morning I wake up lion, but I see it rather difficult.
You know, Project, there is one thing I can't stand: people who brag about everything they've done are a bit like the salesman who exalts the goods in the market to give you a rip off. I would like to see how many failures all these guys who never have to ask have hidden under the carpet! Maybe it's because I'm frustrated, but I don't believe too much in the Befana.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-31-2020, 11:05 PM - Forum: True gay stories - No Replies

- Hi Project, I'm Henry, how are you today?

- I'm not complaining, I feel tired, even very tired, but all in all it's fine, and you?

- Well, I'm fine, a little upside down emotionally but well.

- This pleases me.

- Meanwhile, I congratulate you for the chat, there are truly remarkable guys.

- Thank you, but if that chat works well it's all thanks to them, I only put a tool on the net, among other things I almost never enter the chat.

- And then, apart from the chat, also all the forum work is very interesting, even if I'm a little out of time for these things.

- What do you mean?

- I am 64 years old and I’m counting days left to retirement. And in the forum they are all young, I feel comfortable there, but I should have discovered the forum 40 years ago, now it makes me a little melancholy.

- Well, I can understand you a little bit, I'll tell you because I say it to myself, the more you isolate yourself the faster you age, for me Project is a bit like an anti-aging drug.

- You are not wrong and I think you have a lot of people looking for you.

- I? No! Absolutely not! The first years of Project it was like that, but now serious emails is rare, I often go to look for old mail and it was something very different.

- So if you have some time, I can tell you a little about myself. Ok?

- Of course, no problem, as long as you want.

- How we lived when we were young you know it well because I’m younger than you but the decade is that. Now I don't even remember many things, the memory is a bit confused and then I never wrote anything: no diaries, no poems, nothing, I'm not a writer. I don't remember being gay before college and I'd say before I finished college. Of course I've never been straight, but maybe I was distracted by my studies and I used to think above all about my graduation, and then I only have a few flashes of that time, but I can't remember how I really was, however I didn't have stories with guys, at any level, just nothing. I wanted to finish my studies and work to get some money and maybe to go away on vacation every now and then, what I had never done. When I graduated, I had just turned 25 and I started working almost immediately, but it was different times, and I could also earn a lot. I went to work near Turin. It was a very demanding thing for a 25-year-old guy, but it also gave me satisfactions, especially economic, however, perhaps precisely because I was always alone, right there I began to dream and wish not to be alone anymore.
Where I worked there were a lot of handsome guys, but I only saw them from afar and there was not even the possibility to exchange two words, but I used to see those guys and the reaction was melancholic and I began to think that however, I would have spent all life alone. I worked five years in the same place, I made a career, I turned 30 and I was always alone like a dog. I could hardly ever go home because my parents were from the province of Taranto and, with the means of the time, it was an unthinkable journey to stay out 1-2 days. Staying in my little apartment I became more and more melancholy every day. I was not really depressed, because I had made friends with a few people from the village and they treated me well, I used to go down to the bar to have coffee with friends from the village who came to knock on my door. One day I find a plastic bag hanging on the door handle, I bring it into the house, open it and inside there was a homemade donut and also a ticket. In practice, a lady from the neighborhood wanted to thank me because once I had gone to Turin to INPS (National Social Security Institute) to hurry up an INPS problem and I had also solved one of her problems, among other things minimal, but she had spared herself a trip to Turin. The donut is big and good, I put it in the fridge and I don't pay too much attention to it. The next day I go to the lady and thank her, she is very ceremonious, she wants to offer me a glass of wine but I don't drink because I’m in a hurry and everything ends there.

- Mh ... but was the lady married?

- Yup! She was 27-28 years old, her husband was 42 and they also had two children, so according to my very theoretical calculations, I could feel comfortable. The fact is that after 15 days I get another donut and this time there were no INPS practices speeded up, to be taken for excuse. I go to the lady's house and she insists to let me in, but it seems to me that there is something wrong in all this story and I make her promise a little jokingly that she will no longer send me donuts.
A dozen days pass and I find another package hanging on the door, this time it was not a donut but a rustic pizza with ricotta, salami and cheese. I dutifully pass by the lady and say: "Thank you for the rustic pizza, but we had agreed ..." and she says laughing, "But it's not a donut! I made two pizzas for us, the eggs and ricotta were there and so I made one more! " Then the lady invites me as before to take a glass of wine, but I say that I’m in a hurry, thank her and greet her. I got such gifts several times and this alarmed me a lot. See, Project, things are strange, maybe that lady had no intention to cajole or cicrcuit me, but I was afraid. Today, after so long, I’m led to think that things could have been that way just for simple sympathy and friendship, with no ulterior motive but then I was afraid and I came to the conclusion that I had to immediately look for a job somewhere else and it would have been a risky and tiring change anyway, because by now I had settled in Piedmont well and I was fine there.

- But didn't you try to understand what the lady really had in her head?

- No! I was frightened, sending the gifts back would have been rude and above all strange, especially if she had sent them to me without any ulterior motive. I just had to look for a new job without telling anything to anyone, even at the cost of paying a couple more of months of rent and I had to go away just disappearing from one day to the next, maybe going away at night to not let them see me. In short, I now had got some experience in my sector, I take information on a company in the Veneto region of a sector very similar to the one where I had worked. Once the contract is done, I run away from Piedmont and move to Veneto and on the first day of the new job I discover that the staff is practically all female. Are you still there or have you fallen asleep?

- There I am, there I am, go ahead I follow you

- I tie the knot to my tie and go to introduce myself to my boss and I find that my boss is a woman (so to speak!).
In practice a very fat lady, graduated in Economics, who was called Frances and had almost to struggle to get out of his chair, but she was very competent even if she was mainly interested in the commercial part rather than in the technical ones. We talked about my work experiences, she realized that I was not a novice and she said to me: "You have to take care of all the technical part: operating machines, plant engineering, breakdowns, maintenance and plant standard updating. I have to think about marketing. Quality control is done by Marina, which also deals with trade union and take care of administration issues, wages, illnesses, vacation periods, motherhood, etc. etc .. " I said to her: " But you are all women!" And she replied: "Better so, isn't it? " I nodded like an idiot but inside I thought I had ended up in the wrong place. Frances, Marina and I used to see each other often and since the technical work was not much, they had started to give me other assignments too. In those days the first Olivetti computers began to spread and I proposed to buy three, one for me, one for Frances and one for Marina. In those days, the purchase of three computers was a significant expense even for a company that was not really very small like the one I worked for. On a technical level, computers can also be a real revolution in the company, but there was the problem, and not so small, of teaching Frances and Marina computer programming, and I was afraid that my problems would start right from my stupid idea of inserting computers in the office, because I would have to be in close contact with two women. The computers were in the office, a small building with a dozen rooms, 50 meters from the production facilities. The work end was at 18.00 and we used to stay there even until 22.00 trying to program the computers, I wasn’t certainly a computer scientist, I knew "something" but in a very rudimentary way and therefore I had to study the night before, in order to be able teach Marina and Frances something useful the next evening. 
Step by step our meetings changed meaning, from PC study meetings became convivial meetings. They used to cook in the office, we ate, joked and I was relatively calm because when you are with two women the risk is minimal. The first year with Marina and Frances passed like this, all in all not bad. The following year in mid-June, Frances died of a heart attack and I was really shocked because I didn't expect it at all. She was 41 years old and was a true friend, with a lot of common sense. She had no family and was an only child. It was an irreplaceable loss for us and for the company. In his place the property sent a fifty-year-old former accountant who as soon as he saw the computer on his desk said: “What is this for? These devices are very expensive and absolutely useless!" Marina and I looked at each other as if to say: "Where does this man come from?" But he was our boss! The "accountant", as we called him, did not understand anything about product marketing, advertising, sales campaigns, promotion and such things. Sales collapsed and the "accountant" has had the good idea to get out of the way on his own initiative, without making too many stories, before being kicked out by the company property. After a week, Frances' new replacement, Magda, arrives, who perhaps was able to understand something more than the accountant, indeed, even without “perhaps”, but used to behave as was the Queen of England, because she was the boss! Marina and I used to call her the Quinn! Obviously she didn’t understand anything about computers and had no intention of using them. I don't know if the Queen was a beautiful woman, because it's not my sector, but she had many things that I never liked: Frances and Marina didn’t put on almost any make-up, Regina instead always had a very red nail polish on her nails and a lipstick with an incredible color on his lips and he wore blouses that were too unbuttoned, tight skirts and high heels. No close-knit trio such as myself, Frances and Marina was created with her. I got along well with Marina, between us there was almost a complicity in gossiping about the Queen, however the Queen had spotted me as a possible target and I had stupidly underestimated this circumstance. I knew very few things about the Queen: that she was not married, that she was 29 years old, while Marina was 32, one more than me. One day, just before 18.00, The Queen tells me, trying not to give weight to the thing, that she wanted to discuss with me on an advertising strategy and asks me to come to her house around 20.00, I tell her it's okay, then I I call Marina, thinking inside me that it would have been a business meeting, and say to her: "The Queen wants us to meet her at 8.00 am at het house to decide on an advertising strategy." Marina turns around and says to me: “That … (I omit the exact term) put her eyes on you! She wants to see you alone and at her home! Watch out!" I reply: "But you are wrong! Don't be rude, you will realize that things are not as you say!" She tells me very perplexed: “Ok! See you at five minutes to eight under Queen’s house." Before going up we recall each other to call her Magda and not the Queen! Then we go up. When the Queen opens the door and sees that I’m not alone she has a moment of perplexity but keeps the situation under control with the utmost coldness, as a perfect manager must do. She doesn't even let us in, she tells us that she has received an urgent phone call, that she is very sorry but she has to go away running and that we will talk about the advertising campaign tomorrow at the office and she goes away running toward her car and Marina tells me: "What did I tell you? She will take revenge against both of us for it!" I, as a good naive, I had not understood anything and I thought that the Queen had really gone away for a very urgent business, I was perplexed but Marina looked me straight in the eyes and said to me: “Wake up! You know about computers but about women I think you understand very little!"

- And how did it end?

- Well, the Queen had a soft spot for me and she was technically the boss anyway. She didn't take revenge against me but against Marina somehow she did it. In practice, she moved Marina's office to a corner of the production hall and so, in her opinion, she would have separated Marina from me and would have nullified her negative influences on me, and she would have been alone with me in the office building. Consider that she had occupied the most beautiful office, that of the Chief! Frances used in a much smaller office and left the larger room as a meeting room, but the Queen had taken it for herself. She felt like a manager and honestly she was a manager or something similar. I, who never went to the processing departments before, started going there every day and overhauling machines that had no need for overhaul. Marina and I used to talk every day on the phone and we maintained an excellent relationship. With the Queen it was all formal, there was just the court ceremonial. The property liked the Queen and she was objectively good at her job, that is, in practice for the property she was the hen with golden eggs. All this has been going on for some months in an embarrassing way. The Queen was very pompous and tried to seduce with power and professionalism. Please, note that between us, apart from the fact of the invitation to his house, which was technically resolved, there had never been nothing at all, but while with Marina I felt totally at ease, with the Queen it was clear that there were several unspoken things. Then at some point things changed.

- What do you mean?

- I mean that the Queen, who had always been very punctual, started arriving late at the office, but not only, if before she was faultless in her dress and hair, afterwards she seemed a bit neglected, let's say she seemed less a manager, less in the part of Her Majesty, let's say more normal. She moved Marina's office again and brought it back to the office building. She saw me talking often with Marina but seemed not to notice it at all, she seemed thinking of very different things.  
She once called the bar and ordered a breakfast for three people, and set everything in her office and invited us to his mega-office to have breakfast together and she said: "You are my collaborators (however she put herself one step higher) and I have the pleasure of having breakfast with you!" Marina was about to say: "Thanks, Majesty!" but stopped in time. Later we understood the meaning of Queen's "benevolent" behavior, in practice she had just started a relationship with a guy, an accountant slightly older than her, and wanted to convince the property to hire him. Since there were only three people in the offices, she had thought that if the request had been made by the three of us, and had also been well motivated, in the end the property would have hired him. Clearly the Queen didn’t tell us that the accountant was her boyfriend but it was evident that she didn’t want "an" accountant, but "that" accountant. I consulted with Marina and we decided to sign the letter to the property asking to have a fourth person on the staff. Since then the Queen began to call us by name because we were actually her accomplices. As the Queen had foreseen, the accountant was hired, his name was Conrad and frankly he wasn't that handsome, and I was a true expert on guys, at least from an aesthetic point of view. The Queen and Conrad used to spend hours together closed in the mega-office and it was evident that they had an affair, but from my and Marina's point of view this fact had a certain usefulness, because for us practically the Queen no longer existed, now she trusted us 100% and we were finally calm. And here my relationship with Marina had a very important turning point.

- What do you mean?

- Marina was the first person I came out with. We used to meet also outside the office, I went to her house (she lived alone) and she came to my house, we had dinner together, but it was clear that there was no other kind of involvement neither on her part nor on mine. One evening she was at my house and we started talking about the Queen, first with the usual teasing tones, and then, slowly the conversation became more personal and I said to myself: "I can trust her!" and so I told Marina that I couldn't stand the bahavior of the Queen because I was gay and I would never go with a woman. She didn’t get upset in the least and said to me: “Well, what can I tell you about me? I don’t know what I’m but I think I could also go with a man ... " That answer needed no further comments. Since then Marina has become my point of reference, she was not just a friend, she was a person really able to understand me, because after all she used to live things not very far from how I lived them. But the story with Marina didn't end there.

- Can you be more explicit?

- Neither I nor she had a love life and we started doing things similar to what married couples do, we used to go on a trip on the weekends and also during the summer holidays, ten days together each day in a different hotel around Italy, always with separate rooms, but we used to spend the whole day together and they always considered us as a couple but it was not clear to the hoteliers why we took two single rooms. But, I swear to you, these things, with Marina, were not hedging behaviors to make appear what was not real, they were absolutely spontaneous. We had made a pact, if I or she had found other types of involvement, on a personal level, between us, nothing would have changed, we certainly wouldn’t have gone on vacation together any more but we would have loved each other exactly as before. I swear to you, I'm not bisexual, for Marina I felt no attraction of another kind, not even the slightest, for me she was a special friend but not in the sexual sense that is generally given to this expression. For example, we went on vacation together but the idea of living together never occurred to us, neither to me nor to her. At the time we were little more than thirty years old, now she is 65 years old and she is an old and somewhat decayed woman, just like me. The situation is still this and now I think it will remain this.

- And on the strictly gay side?

- On that side I used to daydream a lot, but then when I was young, in a small town in the Catholic Veneto, what could I find? The place was very small, the chances of getting to know other gays were minimal if not null, because since those days I stayed there permanently and I'm still there. They always saw me with Marina and slowly over the decades they all took it for granted that we were together and someone really thought that she was my wife even if we live in different houses. I don't know if my relationship with Marina may have turned the guys away from me, frankly I don't think so, also because in the village I have never heard of gays, neither positively nor negatively, and I've been there for many years now. And then, maybe when you're young you can also think of accepting to take some risks, but slowly, when you pass the 40 what do you do? Can you put your peace of mind at risk for something 99% not concrete? No! You can't do it. What time is it? 2.40! I think I really have to go to sleep!

- Meanwhile, thank you for this chat which is beautiful and I wanted to ask you if I can publish it.

- Yes, of course, but change the names.

- Do you think Marina could be upset to see her story on a Project site?

- Not at all! It's impossible! I showed her the Forum and she was very curious. Rest assured that it's fine. Now I'm going. Goodnight Project!

- Goodnight Henry, and thanks!

- Thank you! Good night!

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-28-2020, 01:17 PM - Forum: True gay stories - No Replies

Dear Project,
I’m writing to you because I’m in a whirlwind of emotions that upsets me and I cannot tell anyone my story, you will soon understand why.
I’m a guy who lives in a large Italian city, I’m 22 years old, I study at university and have a family that I would call good, I’m not talking about money because there is enough of it and not more, I say that my family it's good because I respect my parents. I specify that I’m an only child. They always left me the maximum freedom, at 14 I had the house keys, they never liked to get involved in my private things. They don't know I'm gay, or at least I think they don't. I never brought a girl home or talked about girls, and they never asked me questions about girls. I can go back late in the evening, sleep away from home on the weekends and they don't ask questions anyway.
When we happened to see TV broadcasts about gay people there was no prejudice. I remember a phrase from my father: "Everyone must be able to live as he wants if he doesn't harm others." But despite these elements that could have pushed me to come out, I never did, I don't know why, but instinctively I didn't trust my parents too much. Project, I think if I did it now they wouldn't have any particular problems, but now that's not my bigger problem.
I attended high school in a serious school, and in this I was lucky. My teachers, especially those of the three final years, were really good, I liked going to school. My class was considered among the best. In the third year, that is, at 16 years old, since our class was too small, they added a group of students who came from a class that had been dismembered. They were three guys and two girls. Even then I didn't care much for girls. However, the three girls after a few days changed schools and only the three guys remained in my class. One was black, Alan (here I will call him so), one was Albanian and we called him Alban, which is anyway a true Albanian name, but this was not his name, and one was Italian and here I will call him Mino.
Already at 16 he was a handsome guy, tall and well-structured, in short I liked him. The teachers immediately noticed that the three new guys were far behind with the programs and organized study groups in the afternoon, because the school was also open in the afternoon. The three new guys had to go to school in the afternoon for two hours with three schoolmates (tutors) and a teacher who organized the work. Alan and Alban were really involved in this work organization and made remarkable progress, Mino instead considered the afternoon lessons as an imposed and substantially useless obligation, played, wasted time, drove crazy his schoolmate who acted as a tutor, and sometimes even the teacher. I was good at school and I tried to be chosen as a tutor for Mino as often as possible because I didn't care about Alan and Alban, but the rules were tight and well defined and I could tutor Mino twice a week at most.
Mino was a guy who, as far as I knew, had a lot of money and very little desire to study, I was infatuated with him, but he used to say only nonsense. I could not understand how such a beautiful guy did not realize that he was just wasting time, I tried to convince him to study, of course, if possible to study "together with me", but the results were very poor. Once I went to his house to prepare a math classwork, but among snacks, records, photographs and various nonsense we did not do anything. I thought: "Mino will be rejected!" and really he behaved only as an idiot. I felt bad for him, because I realized that he was going to the disaster and was not doing anything to reverse the trend, then he started to do a lot of absences and in mid-December he went to a private school. Once he came to see us and said to Alan and Alban: “What are you doing here wasting time? Come to my school! otherwise they will reject you here!" But Alan and Alban didn’t change school, at the end of the first period of school they got some little insufficiency but teachers encouraged them because they were always present and did everything they could to improve. In the end, both of them have been promoted without any particular problems, and they were really happy.
The fourth year Alban changed a lot physically and he became a really handsome guy and I started losing my mind for him. Of course I was careful not to let him realize it, but we had become friends and he occasionally came to study at my house. It was not like with Mino, for Alban, studying was something serious and many times I realized that he was one step ahead of me. Alban was a very good guy and I liked him a lot, I talked about everything with him, but obviously never about sex. I had never seen him with a girl and I had deduced form it that our friendship was perhaps not just a simple friendship. Since the Easter holidays I have cultivated my secret love affair with Alban, we used to meet often and I also went to his house several times, and right at his house I realized traumatically that Alban was straight. One day, while we were studying, a very nice girl came to his house, and there was no doubt that she was Alban's girl. I felt like someone on whom the roof of the house is about to fall but anyhow I acted like a medieval knight, when I was alone with Alban I congratulated him on his girlfriend and he was really happy! It seems a little strange but I was happy too. The year ended quietly and I tried to think of other things.  
The last year of school we had to go on a school trip before Christmas to spend ten days in Austria. We all leave, no one excluded, we were 18 students and I happened to share the room with Alan. In the evening we go on talking before going to sleep. I tell Alan that Alban had a beautiful girl, I was expecting a comment on the girl and instead Alan answers me with a phrase that makes my blood freeze, he says to me: "Oh yes, Alban is straight!" I was really blown away and after a few seconds later I asked him: "What do you mean?" and Alan replied: "That he’s not like us ..." again after a few seconds, I replied: "No! It's not like us!" this was our coming out. Then Alan said to me: "You tried it first with Mino and then with Alban, but they were from the other parish" I asked him: "But how did you realize it?" and he only replied: "Well ...". In short, before the Christmas holidays I realized I had a gay friend, because Alan and I were friends, I could trust him and I couldn't trust anyone else.
During the Christmas holidays we didn't meet, I was happy that Alan was gay and also that he was my friend but I wasn't in love with him, not because he wasn't a nice guy or because he didn't deserve it, but, brutally, because he was black and I had never considered the possibility of having a black guy, that is, I had never made fantasies about a black guy, but I liked him from many points of view, he was very polite, very respectful of me and my way of seeing things and was extraordinarily intelligent, so much so that at school he had become more or less the first in the class. In short, I spent all the Christmas holidays thinking about Alan, listing all the reasons why in my opinion a story with him couldn’t have worked and on the other hand he too could have a thousand problems staying with someone like me, because maybe he had only fantasized about black guys.
At the beginning of January I was really convinced that there would never be anything between me and Alan, but we were both gay and we got to speak clearly about this problem. I asked him how he would react if I told him I was falling in love with him and he replied. “We are friends and I love you as a friend … and a little more, but you have to keep your feet on the ground. Being a gay couple is difficult, but being a gay couple as we would be it’s even more difficult." I asked him if he had thought about it and he said yes but added that we had to go very slowly, in practice we decided we had to wait and think about the final exams first. So we remained friends, we used to say "just friends", but with him I was fine, I felt safe.
He had repeatedly probed the ground with me to understand what I wanted to do at the university and he had told me his point of view. He was very well informed, he had gone to the orientation meetings since the previous year, he knew all the sites of the Ministry of the university with the study programs of all the faculties, it was obvious that choosing the same faculty would mean something more than attending the same faculty. That same evening we enrolled in the same faculty. The first exchange of pampering with him happened just in the evening we sent university enrollment. He was very affectionate and always repeated to me: “If you should have any doubt at any time you must feel totally free, we would remain two friends attending the same faculty and I will love you anyway! Exactly three years have passed since that day and we have been together for three years.
He didn't say anything to his parents because gays are not very well seen at his home and I don't know how to behave with my parents. I saw that movie: "Guess who's coming to dinner" and I wish that with our parents in would happen what happened in the film, but here there is the fact that we are also two gays and the complications increase. Now we are at this point. What to do? In my opinion and also in his opinion, we must not take risky steps, we must finish our studies and try to be economically autonomous, so we can go to another city, perhaps abroad, to build our lives there, maybe in two different houses on the same landing. Project something happened that I NEVER would have expected and instead it happened! I'm fine with him, but we have to be careful of what's around.

Let me know what you think. If you want, publish the email because there is nothing recognizable.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-26-2020, 02:58 AM - Forum: Gays and prevention - No Replies

Hi Project,
I’m a twenty-one year old guy from Northern Italy, lost in love with a guy a year younger (here I will call him Maxi and I will not explain why! But his name is not Max) who is also madly in love with me. You will tell me that if so, there is no problem and instead problems are many.
He has had many adventures even with much older guys and with those guys he has done everything even without a condom. He told me these things a little bragging, because he does such things, but he put a thousand fears on me and also slowed me down a lot. I like him very much, that is, I get excited just even thinking about him, but I can't put myself at risk, because until now I've never been with anyone and therefore I'm not afraid of having taken HIV, but if I have sex with him then there is the risk that I go into paranoia, and at the limit I could really get into trouble, and I don't want to risk it because I'm not crazy.
I made Maxi read a couple of Project articles on sexually transmitted diseases and he replied brutally: “It's all bullshit! If everyone who fucks took HIV, the world would already be over." I didn't like this answer at all and it made me think even more that he had sex without a condom and that therefore I have to be very careful. You understand well that this thinking about the risk, which has insinuated between us, puts a lot of things in crisis.
Since I have been with him, I struggle to keep him at a distance, I always try to meet him on the street and where there are people, he has insisted so much that I go to his house, so that we can be together and nobody can disturb us, but I never went there. He asked me to come himself to my house, but luckily there is always someone at my house, so from his point of view such a thing is not even thinkable.
We did that little bit of sex only on cam, which is not a small thing, but it is clear that in person it’s completely different. I have a car and he doesn't, and he has asked me many times to go out with him by car, but in the evening, not during the day, so he proposes me to go out just to have sex in the car and I have so far invented all the possible excuses to avoid such a situation, and such excuses in part were also true.
Project, I keep him at a distance, but I really wouldn't want to keep him at a distance, because by keeping him at a distance I risk losing him. Apart from what we do on cam, we spend hours on the phone and always in an erection, then, before ending the call, we come tu the end while we speak but each on his own, it's not a small thing because I feel that he really participates, but I miss his physical presence very much and I think it's the same for him.
How long will all this last? Do you think that he could accept to take the test? Or do you think he would consider me a pathological case, a guy obsessed by the fear of diseases? However, in the end it would be the only way to get rid of fears. If not, what can we do? Just touching each other together, well, maybe it would be fine for me, but for him I think it wouldn’t be enough. He is not a guy of those who love pampering and have little sex, he really needs sex physiologically. What to do? Let the guard down on HIV and then face the consequences? But it's an idea that I really don't like. Or should I stop him when we're together and it comes to his mind to go beyond the safety limits? But if I do this, I also hurt myself and above all he could send me to the hell. Or have I to continue to pretend without speaking clearly as I have done so far? But that seems cowardly to me.
I'm afraid of losing him but I can't even think that in order not to lose him I have to accept to take risks, I could agree to limit myself only to things not at risk, but it wouldn’t be fine for him and basically not even for me. Sometimes it gets on my nerves that he is so superficial about these things, he used to spend hours on dating sites, he says he doesn't do it now, but I'm not so sure. On his phone I found that famous app and I told him to remove it, he told me he no longer uses it and he thought it would end there, but I insisted, he was in a good mood and took it off, but he can download it again whenever he wants.
However, it bothers me that he puts his very private photos into circulation, there aren't too much problems for the family jewelry, but you can't put your face on such sites, because otherwise they'll recognize you on the street and you’ll become the laughing stock of the town. When I tell him these things he laughs and reminds me that we got to know each other precisely through that app and now I try to keep him away from that same app.
Anyway, I don't think he cheats on me, because we spend so much time on the phone doing our things that he has very little time left to think about other stories, he spends his time studying because he is also very good at university, he takes all high grades and he never reproaches me even if he could easily do it, because I'm not as good as he is, but I too study and take my exams. He doesn’t boast that he is better than me and this is a point in his favor, but there are several others, first of all he makes me laugh, that is, he puts me in a good mood, he is never in a bad mood, he smiles at everyone and he enchants with a smile, and furthermore he doesn't forget the commitments he made with me, if he says one thing, you can take it for granted that he puts it in practice. A very important thing is that he doesn’t tell lies, sometimes he tells me things I would prefer not to hear but he tells me everything all the same even at the risk of losing face, because he doesn't tell lies.
He doesn't talk about his family well or badly, he never talks about it and he never talks about money, he doesn't wear designer clothes or expensive clothes, he's a normal guy and I like that very much. He is not gone mad with psychology as a guy I had known before, who as soon as you opened your mouth used to psychoanalyze you starting from three words. He really used to think he was able to understand people just by looking at them, but I didn’t allow him to make fun of me this way.
Maxi doesn’t behave like another guy I had also known who told me that he was gay and used to swore in front of the girls that he was straight, I don't know what he really was but I didn't really like him not even physically. Maxi doesn’t say bad words, blasphemies and things like that, he also talks about sexual things but in a polite way even if very direct, then a very important thing: he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink and obviously he never took drugs, he doesn’t go to the disco hunting for guys or rather he doesn't go there anymore, according to what he says. He is sporty but not mad for sports, he goes swimming once a week but, in spite of everything, he has had his experiences and this irritates me a little even if maybe it's just envy.
But now my problem is to make him take the test, which then, if he does it, and if after the opportunity happens, at least he would think twice before doing some big bullshit. With health he feels invincible, he takes it for granted that he is fine and will always be fine while getting into serious trouble is very easy. I would like to propose to him to take the test together just as an aut aut condition, if he doesn’t accept it then it means that he doesn’t care about me at all and it is better that I give him up, if he accepts it, we can take the test together in order to be really free. I never thought that I would have had this type of problem, I always thought that I would find a guy like me at the first experience and therefore without risk and instead I found Maxi and I have to deal with the reality.
What would you do in my place? I would like to play the card of taking the test as aut aut, I think he would end up giving up!

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-19-2020, 02:58 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project,
I have been following your forum for years, albeit occasionally. Somehow you covered all the topics, but one was only mentioned in a couple of posts, probably because it is very often linked to the failure of the couple's life. I refer to the conflict of aspirations between two guys, not to the conflict of their dreams, which generally doesn’t put anything in crisis, but to the conflict of their concrete aspirations and their decisive professional choices. I know you don't like such a speech, but, gay or non-gay, when a guy is called to a choice between emotional and professional life, he cannot always “save goat and cabbages” (a typical Italian expression that means  reaching a compromise and getting both things that seemed to be mutually exclusive), and it happens frequently enough that he has to give up one of the two things to save the other. In some cases, compromise choices cannot be made because it would end up ruining both affective and professional life. A gay guy can fall in love non only with another guy but he can as well fall in love with his job, his career which sometimes entails so many gratifications, and also with the fact of reaching an enviable economic position. These things happen, and they're not that rare at all. Often, if you put the two options on the two plates of the balance you realize that it is perfectly in balance and so, if you are not really madly in love, you decide to leave your boyfriend and dedicate yourself completely to your career. You don’t imagine, Project, the power that the idea of becoming someone, that is of becoming important, can have on a guy. It is clear that making a radical choice is anyhow lacerating, because one would instinctively try to save both feelings and career, and when you realize that it is not possible and that you have to make a radical choice, because the third way, that of compromise, is unavailable, you feel split in two.
I can't tell you my story by going into too much detail because I have to save my privacy (not just mine) and therefore I will mainly tell you about my moods. When you enroll at the university you still see it from outside and from afar as a mountain to climb. If you work hard with the maximum effort you get your three-year degree without wasting too much time, then during the two years of your master's degree you dream of a doctorate, you try to convince yourself that you may not get there and instead you graduate and get there. Of course it takes effort and commitment, but then you get there, then there is the post-doc, which seems a distant option, but in the end that too comes and the road that opens up in front of you is very attractive. You feel at least a bit important, you are no longer the low man on the totem pole. and the prospects of an academic career begin to take concrete form, publications increase and also your credit in the scientific world. Up to this point it seems all logical, all beautiful, but there is the other side of the coin, there is a price to pay, if you think about your past you see that you have never had a real emotional life, because the emotional life takes time and if you dedicate time to research you cannot dedicate it to emotional life. In practice more or less you always did  monastic life.
If one is in a similar situation he begins to ask himself a thousand questions but in practice he has no doubt about what to do in the future, simply because he has no alternative, he can only go on on the path he has followed up to that moment. But since a few months I had an alternative. I had met, always in the university environment, a guy my age (here I'll call him Mark), who had followed a path practically superimposable to the that I had followed, even if in a very different sector. It had taken us a while to understand that we were both gay and, since we had long been hungry for affectivity, it took us even a short time to have our first sexual intercourse. He wasn't beautiful but physically he was the kind of guy I like and I realized that he was very interested in me. And from here our problems began.
Two "normal" guys, let's say so, without concrete short-term expectations, would have lived together and enjoyed their beautiful love story, assuming that over time it could become a true love story, because there were the right premises in our case. But unfortunately or fortunately we were not two "normal" guys, both he and I had worked hard to build a future as we wanted it, but at that time we found ourselves having different objectives and above all irreconcilable with the continuation of our story. It is bad to think that if you want to make a career you have to put feelings aside, but in the end it is so.
I don't know if I really fell in love with Mark. The sexual interest was there and also the emotional one, but above all on the emotional level I didn’t really feel in love. Maybe it would have happened over time, but I had to decide without even having the time to know him well and he too was in the same situation. We talked about it, but talking about these things is embarrassing, it's not like making a declaration of love to a guy, here you have to tell him that you fell in love "but ...", that is, in practice you have to tell him that the career can be more important than him. Fortunately he too was in the same predicament, because otherwise the speech would have been very difficult. In short, we spoke "very rationally" as if it were an abstract issue that didn't concern us, each tended to emphasize that he didn’t want to bind the other but it was evident that he didn’t really want to bind himself. I thought that even after this speech we would end up in bed, as had happened many times before, and instead nothing happened, there was a lot of coldness, a lot of distance. In practice it was understood that both for him and for me the fact that we would each follow his own path was practically inevitable.
I can't say if I took it too badly, because after all it was what I wanted too, but I can say that I went into crisis, I felt mean and selfish and I consoled myself only thinking that in the end we  both were mean and selfish. I realized that in fact I had given up on having an emotional life and not only with Mark, with whom perhaps it would have been impossible anyway, because he too had made a similar choice to mine, but with anyone, because I will have a lot of commitments, and I already have them now, and I will have to go and live where more opportunities will arise and I will have no security for several years and therefore I will not be able to build any serious story with a guy, because I should find a partner willing to follow me, that is, to sacrifice his dreams and plans for me, that is for someone who may even be able to love him but will never be able to dedicate himself completely to him.
Now I have lost Mark, but in front of me I see the emotional desert and this scares me. I tell myself and I repeat that I’m not able to truly love, that I’m too centered on myself, that I’m too selfish, that I demand what I’m not willing to give. I’m reminded of the gospel phrase: "No one can serve two masters" and I’m afraid I have sold my soul to the worst master, who could give me great satisfaction, and I say "could" because I certainly can't  take it for granted, and in any case it would be satisfactions all and only of the same kind, and I'm not at all sure that the choice I made is truly the best for me. I mean, Project, that sometimes I feel disgusting. It is true that the university has increased my self-esteem, which before was rather weak, but I'm starting to think that it may have put many really wrong ideas in my mind.
Sometimes I see guys who got lost along the way and who didn't get where I got, in a sense I feel satisfied, but in another I feel that between me and those guys an abyss has been dug that cannot be filled anymore and I begin to think that their life will be much better than mine. My environment is very competitive even if we are really few. In my environment I will never find friends but only colleagues from whom I can hope for a certain degree of correctness but nothing more, and to find friends in other environments I should attend them what I will not be able to do anyway. Do you understand what I mean, Project? I know that only I can deal with these problems, I only ask you for a contact to speak a little. My parents know nothing about me and according to them I’m a happy man with excellent prospects, but I feel that it's not like that at all and I can't talk about it with anyone. At least with you there is anonymity and I can say what I think. I wait for your answer. My email is very generic, so if you want you can publish it, because it’s quite anonymous but, if you can, send me a contact.
See you soon.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-16-2020, 04:08 PM - Forum: Gays and sex - No Replies

Hi Project, 
I'm Paul, the 43-year-old who wrote to you because he was trying to accept that the guy who seemed to be his boyfriend had left him to go back to an ex-boyfriend (http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-...lmost-love). When I wrote to you I hadn't heard from him for more than two months. Today something has happened that has overturned all the balances that I was struggling to achieve and in part at least I had achieved, but I'm happy. In an unexpected way he called me when it was already midnight and said to me: "I need to make love with you, what do you say? Can I come to you in twenty minutes?" I replied that he can come whenever he wants and that I’m always pleased of it, he added: "If you don't feel like having sex, we'll just talk." And this in my opinion is the most beautiful thing you can say! I told him that I was waiting for him and I immediately changed the bed and opened the window, to cool the air a bit, because it's hot to die for but fortunately there are the mosquito nets. I wondered why he had the idea of having sex with me after almost three months and I thought that the relationship he had resumed with his ex-boyfriend had come to an end.
When he arrived he undressed and put himself on the bed and he was really beautiful! And above all he was there for me, he had come on purpose with the idea of having sex with me and this idea put him in a very strong state of excitement. I was afraid of not being up to the situation, because sometimes it happens, but I didn't feel in the least embarrassed, because when it happens he never gets upset, he has never had problems with these things. No, he was not only beautiful, he was really animated by a sexual impetus as in the times when we met many years ago. I refrained from asking him questions. I was fine, with him the taboos have not existed for a long time, with him I behave as I would behave with myself, with the same level of freedom, now it is an acquired fact. He was telling me: "But how is it possible that you have never had sex with anyone else? You should try to be with somebody else!" To this speech, which is not the first time he does, I reply to him exactly as I have always replied that it never occurred to me to make love with another guy, because for me there is just him.
He didn't force me at all, no insistence, he knew that I could be afraid of diseases and we only had sex at practically zero risk, there was no need for me to tell him anything, for him exactly as for me, the fundamental thing isn't in doing this or that but in feeling desired and accepted, and being able to live one's sexuality together, without embarrassment and without seeing any kind of obligations behind sex. He was really transported by sex, within the limits of common sense, but truly transported. Between us, from the beginning there has always been a very deep understanding from that point of view, we never had sex out of boredom or as a pastime or worse out of duty, it was practically always a very strong thing and much desired by both of us. Maybe that's why I would never be able to go with another guy, he is the guy of my dreams, after all, in my life, I only desired him in the true sense of the word. When he is with me I see him so free and involved that my head is empty of thoughts and I only think about making him feel good, thanks God I succeed! This seems almost unbelievable to me, but that's exactly what happens. By now we know each other very well also from that point of view. There is nothing more beautiful than making love with the guy you love the way we do it. Then there will be his ex, maybe, or maybe there will be many other guys, but he has not put me aside at all and he thinks of me just as an important sexual fantasy. 
There was only one thing that I would have wanted different. Generally, even before, after sex he used to get some melancholy, maybe once the sexual involvement is over he begins to reflect on his boyfriend and what to do with his boyfriend, or maybe very likely he doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. Maybe I don't have the first place in his heart, but I can't deny that the his involvement (that was there from the beginning) doesn't seem in the least vanished because of other things. I wonder how a guy like him can be in love with me, that is, even sexually in love with me, who am a very common type. Now I seem to see him lying on the bed while looking at me and saying "Everything okay?" I would be with him my whole life, it would be a dream for me and today I think it wouldn't mind him at all, obviously without any constraint, but I think it could last forever.
Tonight I feel really upset but I’m happy and I think there will be nothing that will be able to separate us, perhaps for a while, yes, but in the end we love each other, between ups and downs, we have been together for many years and then there is between us real affection and respect, I think he is a guy of the highest level both in intelligence and honesty and he trusts me, he doesn’t fear me, in short, I also feel at the center of his attentions. All this, however, must not become a trap, he is not mine, we love each other but he must be free because only in this way he can truly love me. In the end how can people say that there is only sex between us? It's not true! There is an absolutely unique way of understanding each other. He never felt like a beautiful  guy and instead he is beautiful, when we are together I tell him it many times, he acts as if I hadn't told anything, but after all he is happy to hear such things!
I’m also beginning to think of something else that I had always considered stupid before. At the end of our meetings he leaves, he cannot sleep at my house because the next morning he must be at work before 8.00 am if he would start from my house he should get up too early, when he leaves he makes me feel so melancholy because I would like him to stay with me all night long, I would really like to sleep with him. We had sex many times but we never slept together but I think that sleeping together and waking up together would be really beautiful and I think he would like very much such things which are not exactly sex but are sometimes more important than sex itself. I realize that these things, that is in practice the double bed, belong to the behavior of consolidated couples, while he is not my boyfriend, at least in a certain sense he is not, but anyhow falling asleep one in the arms of the other would be really beautiful! In my house there are no double beds and the idea is coming to my mind to buy one, maybe it could also be useful. But I met guys to whom sleeping together in a double bed seemed too sweet, something typical of people romantically in love and not suitable for real men! I can't stand this expression! Real men? And those would be real men? Those who have sex in five minutes and then bye! Those in my opinion are stupid men!
However, I feel embarrassed to talk to him about the double bed, but not because of sex, the fact is that he can consider the use of the double bed as a trap from which it is good to stay away. That is, if we have sex with each other as we have always done it is something that seems no more than an outburst, something somehow boyish (and I don't even understand why!) While if we go to sleep together in a double bed it means that ours is a regular, standard relationship, of those that take away your freedom. I know it is only symbols, but symbols are also important. Maybe I would like to fall asleep with him in a double bed just because I could delude myself that he is mine, this could also be true, but meet in the spare time only during breaks between other work or family commitments, in the most unlikely situations, and always keeping an eye on the clock it is certainly not the best and some of my sexual problems could be due to these things. I need time in sex, I'm slow, if I think I have to get to the end in a set time, I go haywire. Instead with a nice double bed and a whole night together in perspective, well, I think everything would be very different.
There is also another fact that keeps me from buying a double bed, I live alone, luckily for me, but it happens that from time to time my father, my mother and even my brother (100% straight) come to see me at my house. They always warn me one or two days before, so I don't have the fear of being caught in the act while I'm in bed with a guy, among other things, my family members don't have the keys to my house, but they are used to the idea that in my room there is only one single bed and in the guest bedroom there are two single beds. What would they think if they saw the two single beds disappear and found a double bed instead? I don't know this but I would feel embarrassed, and so I thought that in order to sleep with him in a double bed I would have to go on vacation with him, but even there the embarrassment would be considerable. It is not easy to book a double room in a hotel with a friend and ask for a double bed instead of two single beds. It seems absurd, but these things still condition a lot. I'll try to talk briefly with him about the hypothesis of the double bed, let's see what he tells me!
In short, Project, since the last email I sent you, the world has really turned upside down for me. I had read your answer, very wise and very rational, but my antennae told me that my story, despite appearances, was by no means over and now I can say that I was right!
Take care of yourself! Obviously do whatever you want with the email.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-13-2020, 01:32 AM - Forum: Understand to be gay - No Replies

I’m truly proud to inform you that the IRCT (International Rehabilitation Council for Torture Victims) in its Thematic Report 2020, dedicated to "reparative therapies",
has included in the Bibliography the article "Reparative Therapy to Cure Homosexuality", 
http://gayprojectforum.altervista.org/T-...osexuality published on Gay Project Forum on 10/12/2017, containing my English translation of a famous article by Davide Varì which describes the process of a typical reparative therapy step by step.

I’m proud that the work of Gay Project has helped to shed light on a phenomenon deprecated by the World Health Organization as a violation of human rights.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-12-2020, 02:25 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project,
I don't know who you are, but if you put all the Project material together you are one who tried to do everything he could to do something good and I think you did it, at least to me in these days it was useful to read the forum, it helped me to feel less alone.
I’m 43 years old, middle age, I’m neither young nor old, it is no longer the age to sow, that time has passed, I think about it with nostalgia but that time has passed. In these days I find myself experiencing situations and sensations that I had envisioned for a long time, but perhaps it is better to start from the beginning.
Up to 32 years old, I had lived on dreams only, out of laziness or out of fear, I had never looked for or favored any concrete opportunity to find a guy, then at 32, it happened to me what I had dreamed of at least a little and had also scared me a little. I met a very young gay guy, he was 18 at the time, 14 years younger than me, he was a beautiful guy but I considered him a kind of unattainable youth myth.
We started talking in chat, then we met in person and he fascinated me, he was very intelligent and then he had a dignity that I have never seen in anyone else. It happened that he fell in love with me, something I never would have imagined because he could have had any guy if he only wanted or, better, I think he hadn't really fallen in love with me but he was fine with me, he felt important, he knew I loved him. My first time, at 32, was with him, and it was the first for him too.
On one hand I was fine with him but on the other I felt like a thief, one who takes advantage of another. There was not only sex between us, we talked a lot, I can say that we never had secrets from each other. At times he fell into deep depression and I tried to do everything to make him feel better and he had infinite patience with me and accepted the thousand complexes I had with sexuality.
In the period in which we were together he had other stories that then ended, this actually didn’t create any particular problems for me because I thought that I wouldn’t lose him anyway and that, perhaps, even if in a marginal position, for me there would always be a corner, at least as a friend, and it would have been enough for me, but lately things have changed, he has restarted a relationship with one of his ex, a guy his same age, and since then I haven't heard from him, I called him, at least to know how he was, but he was strange and detached, he seemed almost worried that I wanted to come forward. Obviously I haven't looked for him since then and more than two months have passed and he hasn't made himself heard. In practice what I was afraid of became real, he built an important relationship, which now completely absorbs him, and for me there is space anymore.
I must say that all this makes me a little melancholy on a personal level, but I also know his ex with whom he restarted the relationship and I know that he is a good guy, that he is not playing with him but really loves him, so I'm happy that things have taken this course, which on the other hand, was inevitable sooner or later. I have been a phase and now my job is to step aside and not interfere in the least. I don't deny that I think of him and that I remember many situations in which we have been together and those moments have all been very beautiful. I'm sorry that he can consider me a danger or one who can try to get into his life inappropriately. In fact, from many points of view it is much better that things have gone this way, it’s obvious that anyway I will have to get used to a life without him. And afterwards why can't we stay friends anyway? From my point of view this would be fine, but from his? "In theory" it should not create problems, but perhaps it creates some problem for his partner, or it really creates some problem for him too because now he feels himself involved in an important story.
After him, for me, there will be no one, he was special and still is, I have nothing to reproach him for, we never quarreled, he was always honest with me and I cannot stop loving him just because he found himself a another guy, I’m only sorry that he is afraid of me, that he may think that I could undermine his happiness, because this will never happen. I would have liked to see him happy, I would have liked him to have said it to me and instead I will only have to imagine it. This is my only displeasure.
It seems like a paradox, but I'm glad he has found a way that can make him feel better, because I know that he feels really better now. He wasn't really happy when he was with me, but he has been better since he got back in touch with his ex-boyfriend, the positive effects were evident and I can't deny it at all. If I hadn't seen them, I would have had a thousand doubts, but he seemed really another person. Now I will devote myself more to my work, I will resume contacts with my parents, who are now about 70. It may seem absurd but I feel happy!
I embrace you, Project, use my email as you like better, but tell me what you think about, if you can.
Hi Paul,
first of all happy birthday, because today is the 29th June, feast of Saints Peter and Paul!
Reading your email makes me think that, beyond what you say and the melancholy you speak of, there is also a bitter background because the last chapter of the story should have gone another way. It is as if in the end he was afraid of you and tried to keep you at bay to save his autonomy, which, if you allow me, frames the story in a slightly different way.
It is true that, as you say, you felt like a thief of his youth but it is equally true that he looked for you until he felt sure of himself, in some ways it is a love story but in some ways it is not is. There was certainly the big age difference but I don't think that this was the basic problem. You yourself wrote that he probably hadn't fallen in love with you but that he was fine with you because he felt loved and you talked about some moments of depression when you managed to make him feel better. On the other hand, he too gave you a hand to open a chapter in your life, that of sexuality, which you had left more or less deliberately closed. In fact, you yourself expected it to end like this and probably when it happened you weren't very surprised. You helped each other to grow, which is already a great and rare thing, but it does not in itself create a love story.
If he will be fine with his new-old partner, something that now seems to come true but it is not for sure that it lasts over time, you would do well not to live by myths or, if you want, by poignant but now unrepeatable memories. I know that such a thing is easy to say but very difficult to do, but time and detachment will do their job. If, in the long run, his new story doesn't last, try to build a solid friendship with him avoiding to consider him as your boyfriend, because what happened could very well happen again.
It’s evident that you love him but life goes on. I'm not telling you to find another guy, which would still be a very complicated thing, but not to depend on his memory and to leave to the past what has been and cannot be repeated.
A hug.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 07-05-2020, 08:46 PM - Forum: True gay stories - No Replies

Hi Project,
I've been reading you since I was 20, now I'm 32 and I have had my experiences of what it means to be gay. I went through all the phases, from the desire to find a guy, to the first experiences and then to quite significant stories, that is, to three stories that occupied my years from 20 to 30, then I detached from all this and, now, I have been alone just for a couple of years and I don't know what to do.
My first important story, that is, I should say my first story that seemed important, was with a good guy who never fell in love with me, not because he was in love with another guy, but because he was bisexual, he was "somehow" in love with me with me but he thought to women and every now and then he allowed himself some adventure, always with women. For heaven's sake! I understand it very well, for him it was a physiological thing, it was in his nature, and probably it is I who am wrong thinking that I’m with you making love but maybe you're thinking of a girl, because perhaps "in those moments" there are no girls in your brain, but let me tell it (what I never did in front of you), but I don't really like such complicated situations. I know it's the way it works for bisexuals but it's not good for me. I know that if he was gay he could have done the same with a guy instead of a girl but it's different, if he had been really gay he would have felt deeply involved at least sometimes, but with him the involvement was always very relative, or maybe I was upset because of other motivations and my brain was a pressure cooker about to explode, then he told me that I was not the guy he was looking for and that he wanted to try to get together with a girl,  I had nothing else to tell him than: "Happy wedding and male children!" So I said to myself, “It's my fault! It goes without saying that if I get together with a bisexual then it ends up like this! "
A couple of months later I know a guy who looked "serious", so to say, one who studies, who thinks about his position, about the future, not one who wastes his time, not one who doesn’t study and when is looking for work does everything to not find it. He's serious, he's interested in sex but sex is not his fixed idea, in short, the story starts. At the beginning everything is quite well, we see each other very little because he always has to study, but when we meet we are well together. He graduated, I had left the university halfway and at that time I was already working, then he tells me that he must do his doctorate in Germany, which is very important for him, etc. etc., in short, he leaves for Germany and we start to meet in the evening on social media, I go to meet him in person a couple of times a year, I wait for his doctorate to finish, he finishes it but doesn’t come back to Italy, he goes to work for a research Institute in Paris, I understand that he will stay in Paris for at least four years, so I tell him that I don't feel like going on like this, that I can't move to Paris because my job is in Italy. He doesn’t even try to insist, he simply tells me that given the logistical complications, as he calls them, perhaps it is better for each of us to follow his own path. Basically he dismissed me like that, then I learned that he had gone to Paris because he had met a French gay guy in Germany, who worked in his own research Institute and they lived already together in Germany, but he had "forgotten" to tell me this little detail. And then I said to myself: “It's my fault! Those who are thinking of too big problems can’t think also of me! I have to stay away from such people!"
At 26 I met my last boyfriend, with him things were much more complicated. We met casually for business reasons, at the beginning I wasn’t absolutely interested in him, he was not my type, he seemed too talkative, too complimenting, let's say, a little fake or at least one who seems acting. There were immediately misunderstandings, every time I started to say something, he used to analyze what I had said finding the strangest meanings in it. Sometimes he just got on my nerves, I couldn't stand him, I thought I would never get together with someone like him and instead it happened because he slowly brought me there and I, like an idiot, went after him. I should have stopped him immediately but I didn't and he felt encouraged and step after step he gained ground and it was increasingly difficult for me to get rid of him. Once he calls me, he tells me that he feels terrible because his boyfriend left him and I go to his house to console him. It was my worst mistake! We ended up in bed the same evening, but as a "consolation", which is certainly not the best. When I came back to my house, late at night, I felt a total imbecile and I understood that if I had not taken the courage with both my hands, I wouldn’t have gone out from that story anymore. But I didn't take the courage with both my hands. Every time I went to him I said to myself. "This time and that's enough!" just like those who know they will never get out of an addiction. He knew how to do, he knew my weak sides, he encouraged me, he consoled me when things were not going well. In short, our story, or it would be better to say our half story, has been going on for years. Sometimes he asked me to go to his house and I went there but I would have liked so much to stay at my house and not go anywhere, nevertheless I used to go to have sex with him, that is, to have sex with someone who had never been in my sexual fantasies, and this is also a bit depressing, over time he had become sticky, jealous of my previous guys, he wanted to know everything about them, but also about their sexual preferences, he asked me if we had made some videos while having sex, and this question left me like a dried cod, he saw me fall from the pear tree, so to say, and insisted that everyone does it and that it’s normal, in that moment I began to fear that he had placed some hidden cameras to record our sex meetings and I began to be afraid of him, maybe I was exaggerating, but I didn’t feel calm.
Since then I started spending the afternoons thinking about how I could get rid of him in a non-traumatic way. It was becoming an obsession. I couldn’t find any possible method, anyhow our relationship has cooled down a lot, up to meet no more than a couple of times a month. Once I call him to probe the ground and he answers me in a very formal way (something very unusual for him) and then I hear a male voice saying. "Who is?" and he replies. "He's a friend I haven't heard from in a long time!" In short, he had found another guy. I never called him again and luckily it ended like this! And then I said to myself: “It's my fault! I can't go with someone I don't like!"
I was 32 years old and frankly I felt no longer like to look for another gay guy! My friends were enough for me, a few friends, always the same, friends who meet once every two months!  I've been alone for a few months now but I feel still uncomfortable. At 32, it’s too early to achieve the full peace of mind, I mean the total detachment from sexuality! I look at the guys on the street, I haven't lost this old habit of mine but the total involvement that I once used to feel I don't feel it anymore. Now I begin to feel melancholy for an impossible thing. On the one hand there is the temptation to try at least another time, but on the other there is the experience that stops me and says to me: “But where are you going? Do you want to make the fourth edition of your failures?" and so I stop before taking rash steps and I go back to my den. Of course many times I have the impression of wasting my life, also because if I don't do it now, I mean what I'd like to do, I will not do it anymore! And in practice I risk putting myself in an early old age condition, and frankly doing it now I think it's too much early. But having said that, the big question remains: what to do? Should I download that famous app on my mobile? Or should I join some dating sites? But I never did such things and maybe I did wrong, because I could have found the guy of my dreams right there.
At the moment I have no goals, there is a guy that interests me and for whom perhaps I would take a risky step, but he is six years younger than me and I don't even know if he is gay, even if certain things make me think it could be. But maybe he has a girlfriend and gets married in a month! Anyhow a guy like that still puts me in crisis. He works in a supermarket where I go shopping, he gives me an impression of lightness, looks like a happy guy who tends to smile at people, at the supermarket he has become the darling of old women because he treats them well without exaggerating. I also tried to infiltrate among the customers, he was very professional with me, but in the end he smiled at me too. Once, he was pushing a big cart full of groceries at too high a speed so that he was about to lose control of it and the cart was going to crash into a frozen food cabinet, I got in the way and stopped the cart, he flashed me a beautiful smile, I waved to be more cautious and he made a move enlarging his arms as if to say: "Ok, I don't do it anymore!" 

What do I know about this guy? I know his name because it is written on a kind of pin from the supermarket that he carries as an identification, but here I will call him Paul for privacy, I know his age, because he said it, not to me but to one of his old ladies, when old women ask him about his girlfriend, because someone does it, he never talks about it, he is radically evasive on the subject and limits himself to changing the subject, and such a behavior makes me think. It seems too little to me to think about talking to him. I'd like it to happen by accident, like the history of the cart, but it may never happen. Could he be my fourth failure? He is a handsome guy, the most beautiful thing he has is his smile. And then what can I invent to start a conversation? I had thought that I could try to understand what time he gets out of the service in the evening and in order to pass "by chance" over there, but I thought of even worse hypothesis, for example that I could pass out in the supermarket when there is only him, so that he should give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but maybe instead he could call the ambulance to take me to the hospital!
I have not lost my head for this guy, but I have him in my fantasy, the fact is that in all probability I’m not in his fantasy! Is it really so pathological for someone my age to be at this level? I talked about it with one of my friends, with whom I hardly ever talk about these things, and he listened to me and it took him a while to answer, sign that he was thinking about it, then he told me it’s very stupid to think that this guy will be the one who will change my life, but thinking that he cannot be that guy in principle it’s no less stupid, and that after all, if I try and things go wrong, I only took my fourth punch in face, but if the story ends well - he said – my life can really change. After all, the answer is obvious and in a sense encouraging, but between saying: "Try!" and really trying there is an abyss, it would be complicated even with a girl, but with a guy there is the risk that he can completely disgrace you, even if I don't think this is the case.
Can I ask you what you think about?
Hi Alby,
you ask me what I think? Well, I think that what your friend told you is absolutely true. It’s evident that this guy interests you a lot, so a possible story can’t anyway follow the model of that one with your third boyfriend. Problems, however, are many, in the first place you don't even know whether he’s gay or not and, on such a thing, relying on the so-called gay radar only is absolutely inadvisable. You should talk to him, you should try to build a minimum of friendship. I think giving up a priori would provoke in the future a series of very frustrating regrets, while giving up knowing that he’s straight would be somehow a very different thing, but if you don’t have even a minimum of relationship with him you will never know how things are and how far you can go. I just give you trivial advice: go to the supermarket often, try to exchange a few words about the weather or the about the supermarket service, then see if he immediately cuts off the conversation or instead he doesn't let it drop. Don't be afraid, even from the few elements you have at your disposal, he doesn't seem like a guy who likes to put others in trouble. I don't think you would have too much to lose anyway. I don't know what else to say to you, except that I'm a fan of you and that I hope him to be finally the right guy for you.
A hug and good luck!
Hi Project,
a few months have passed since my first email and things have changed as I never would have imagined. I've been looking for a way to start talking to him. I went to the supermarket very early without the mask and waited for him outside. Employees enter 40 minutes before opening to the public and there were no customers. I called him from afar, he recognized me immediately, I told him that I had to do the shopping but I didn't have a mask, he replied telling me : "Wait there, I'll find one for you." After 5 minutes he came back with a packet and a 5 euro receipt, I gave him the 5 euro, which he had paid in advance for me, and I put on the mask. I thanked him very cordially! Then I went in to do the shopping and when, during my shopping, I went to him we had a few minutes of conversation because nobody was there, then I went to get him a sandwich and a drink and I put everything in a paper bag, I went back to him (my legs were shaking!) and I gave him the bag saying "Thanks!" He seemed puzzled but looked inside the little bag, then looked at me as if to say: "But there was really no need of such a thing!" I thanked him again and then I left.
With gimmicks of this kind, slowly a minimum of relationship has been created. He had said once that he had no car, and one day when there was a bad storm in the evening, I stopped by the supermarket waiting for him. At the exit time, when I saw him I called him, as if I were passing there by chance, he got into my car, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, I said to him: “Where can I accompany you? Because it pours." and he said, "I have to go to my girlfriend, but it's far!" For me, that word was like a stab, but now I couldn’t back down. Meanwhile we exchange cell phone numbers, then he calls his girlfriend, tells her that he is in the car with a friend (me), they talk for a few minutes but I can't understand the real meaning of what they are saying and in the end he tells her to wait for us at the building door in 10 minutes. I stop under the girl's house and the girl gets into the car too, she is not only a beautiful girl but also very intelligent and it’s evident that there is a very strong understanding between them. Paul asks me to accompany him and the girl to his house, and tells me where, I drive almost mechanically, I have the impression of having thrown myself into a story that doesn’t fit to me at all, in short, of having thrown myself into another of my troubles.
Once there, Paul tells me: "Park and come with us!" I say that I don't want to disturb and that I prefer to go away, but he says to me: "Look, there is someone who wants to meet you!" I feel strange and ask: "And who is he?" and he replies: "My brother!" and adds a phrase that is to me like another stab: "I have a gay brother!" I try to disengage myself, but while I’m putting together all my speech, the brother (I will call him Mauro) comes down the street and invites me to go up. I was having a heart attack. He was a beautiful guy, even better than his brother, a guy really sunny and I knew he was gay and he wanted to meet me. We go up to the house all four, Mauro had prepared four sandwiches and drinks, we eat and drink, then Mauro says to his brother and his girl: "We go away so you can be more comfortable!"
Mauro explains to me that his brother had told him about all my maneuvers to approach him, Mauro had understood on the fly that there was something underneath and for that he was curious to know me. Mauro was 25 years old, one less than his brother, he was a beautiful guy, ok , but I really didn't want to delude myself about anything. Looking at him the first time, I had thought: “A guy like this one must have already had his experiences!” And instead he had never had a guy, but that's not enough, at 25 he was already a graduate and worked. In short, Project, after a couple of months in which we basically studied each other remotely, Mauro became my boyfriend and Paul and his girlfriend became my best friends. Mauro also has a nice character, he never leaves me to myself, he understands what I think, he's strong, I'm not afraid that our story will end, he also sees things in a way not far from mine. With him I feel good from all points of view, I can say that I have rediscovered the pleasure of being gay. I will soon be 33 years old and it almost doesn't seem possible to me that things have changed so radically and instead it happened!
A strong hug. If you want to publish the emails, do it freely.

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