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COOLING OF A GAY COUPLE A...
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GAY SEX AND AFFECTIVE INV...
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GAYS BETWEEN DREAM AND RE...
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GAYS AND SEXUAL DISCOMFOR...
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THE CHARM OF A MAN
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  COOLING OF A GAY COUPLE AND UNCERTAINTY
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 12-12-2023, 04:16 AM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project, I don't know you personally but I have read several of the things you have written and I would say that I also feel them to be mine, something more mine and something less, but I feel these things are really mine.

Today, talking to my partner, I found him cold and detached, a strange feeling, if we want, it's not the first time it's happened, but before, that is, more or less until six months ago, it never happened. For an observer looking from outside nothing has changed between us, we see each other rather rarely, as before, every three or four weeks, because we live in different cities, and I think that the reason for his current behavior is all in the fact that he is bored or better tired of me, I don't even think he has another guy, before when he had one, things between us were great anyway, but now he just doesn't feel my presence anymore.

Last month I went to him, as we always did, but sex was absolutely out of his thaughts, he didn't show any signs of involvement, while the other times it always happened, I mean he was never erect and even when we went to bed , more to overcome the embarrassment than anything else, the erection was exceptional, whereas before it was the rule. I didn't know what to do, I asked him if there was something wrong but he just said that he was tired and that he had been working too much, but such things never happened before.

And, apart from the sex, which there was practically none of, we didn't even talk, just silly things and complaining about work problems. We usually had serious communication, but this time nothing. Usually he was always the first to talk about sex, but now he doesn't do it, because even when we talk on the cell phone we talk about everything, from politics to war but we never talk about sex, it's as if the switch had turned off, and I also begin to ask myself: "What the hell am I doing with him?" I'm starting to feel like a stranger, I'm contemplating plans for revenge because I feel abandoned without any declaration of hostility, basically abandoned, despite an apparent continuation of our relationship, which continues the usual way, so to speak.

When we talk I would like him to also talk about sex, like he did before, when it was practically an obsession, but that doesn't happen now. I thought he might probably expect me to talk about it, but I feel embarrassed too. I should take the initiative, but if he's really in love with another guy, well, then it would be better, much better for him to go his own way, not because he found another guy, but because he has definitely distanced from me, that is, he let himself be completely absorbed by another guy, even if I don't really see him 100% involved in a story with a guy, I think I'm not wrong about this but sometimes I think that perhaps I really don't know him at all.

I continue to dream that he remembers me, because I have very beautiful memories of him, but the fact is that they are memories, which before were the present but now are only the past. I keep calling him on the phone and sometimes he calls me too, but if I suggest that we meet up, he takes his time, he puts it off, he doesn't say no, he just says that he's very busy with his work, but it wasn't like that before, years ago he used to come at my house without warning at any time of day or night, and there was a strong and mutual sexual drive, but now he makes excuses, runs away, avoids telling me what's on his mind, if I try to insist he cuts it short and tells me he's busy and has no time to spend.

I don't understand how everything could have changed so quickly and so radically. Sometimes I blame myself, I think that if he does this I must have done something to him that he didn't like at all, because I don't see any other possible reasons for this cooling of relations. When I feel bad, I think that if the story has to end anyway, I might as well put an end to it immediately: the sooner it ends the better, and I expect it to actually end, but it doesn't end, when a little time passes and I start to think that he won't call me anymore, the call comes, which undoubtedly makes me happy, but then it's an inconsistent call and in the end I'm left with it even worse and I ask myself, why is he calling me just to complain about work? And I think that maybe he has another guy with whom he is madly in love and with whom he has sex but who wouldn't listen to him if he started complaining to him about work and so he calls me, because I'm the spare wheel or worse the dump, for say no more, where you can unload your frustrations and anxieties.
 
I'm not angry with him, he has his character, we are compatible up to a certain point, but we respect each other, he is not aggressive towards me, he is a good guy but sometimes I really don't understand him. Ok, you have your worries and your thoughts, but saying one word to me, just one, to make me feel calm would ultimately cost you nothing. What do you do in these situations? Do you throw everything away or do you be patient and wait for the bad times to pass? I feel really lost, I really don't know what to do. In the end I won't do anything and I'll try not to even let him know how I feel, I just hope it doesn't last too long because I might not last too long in such a situation. What would you think about this story, Project?

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  GAY SEX AND AFFECTIVE INVOLVEMENT
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 11-05-2023, 09:50 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

The very easy access to pornography at an extremely early age has contributed to spreading the idea according to which sex is a reality substantially disconnected from affectivity, that is something that can be done, or rather that is done, or worse, that must be done as a form of fun or self-gratification, if not even as a means of asserting your power. This way, in adolescence, guys end up liking better a porn video than committing themselves to building a relationship, possibly even sexual, with a real guy, and then, in more mature age, preferring very short contacts of only sex, which a priori exclude any possibility of emotional involvement.

The radical separation that seems to exist between sexuality and affectivity gives, at the beginning, an intoxicating sensation of freedom, but in the long run it ends up no longer being gratifying. Sex, while maintaining a very strong capacity for attraction, becomes or seems to become something abstract, impersonal, and "what you do" clearly prevails over "who you do it with". In practice one experiences sex, or rather one has the impression of experiencing sex without a true affective dimension, but it would be even better to say that one experiences sex as a substitute for a frustrated or, worse, radically denied affective dimension, but that affective dimension, however denied, smolders under the ashes.
 
The habit of denying feelings to enhance immediate sexuality leads on the one hand to an affectless sexuality and on the other to a compensatory or frustrated or highly sublimated affectivity. It is as if two distinct sides of the personality emerged in the same individual, one characterized by a sexuality substantially devoid of affectivity and the other by a basically disembodied and sublimated affectivity.
 
It should be underlined that what I just said shouldn't be taken too literally, I mean, for example, that sublimated sexualities do not exclude sexual relationships at all, but these relationships are often highly dissymmetrical, that is, they are strongly participated by the partner who experiences them with a true emotional involvement while they are experienced as a duty, almost a tribute to be paid for the stability of the couple, by the partner for whom the relationship is and remains sublimated not for the absence of immediate sexuality but for the absence of deep involvement in that sexuality.
 
It is necessary to underline that when we talk about sexual education we insist almost exclusively on the technical aspects of sexuality, on contraceptive techniques and on sexually transmitted diseases, completely neglecting education on affectivity. In essence, even institutionalized sexual education tends to confirm the distinction or rather the separation between sex and affectivity, limiting itself to dealing only with sex. For a gay boy, raised in an environment that is still strongly male chauvinist today, in which sex seems to be the door to happiness, the idea of a "sex only" relationship is the most obvious path to the search for happiness, that is, the path towards which we orient ourselves unconsciously, in other words the preference for "sex only" does not present itself as a choice but as something that appears automatic and therefore spontaneous, even if in fact it is a choice induced or at least profoundly conditioned from the outside. It is as if we were instinctively afraid of affection, as if we wanted to keep ourselves safe from the risks that an emotional relationship can entail. This is how “sex only” relationships are born.
 
In the rest of this article I intend to show how, by observing gay reality closely, we can realize that many, if not very many relationships classified by one of the two partners, or even by both, as "sex only" relationships, in reality they are by no means just sexual relationships but respond to deep emotional needs that lie behind immediate sexuality, which are rarely seen, but which are the basis of the relationship. It should be kept in mind that building a serious emotional relationship, even just a friendship with a guy you meet in real life, takes time and that the offer of a hit-and-run sexual encounter, typical of sexual encounters (not relationships) that can easily materialize via social media or apps, despite the related health risks, it is an alternative that is not only immediate but substantially disengaged, two characteristics that make it particularly attractive.
 
I would add that in cases where the influence of social media and apps remains limited and the attempt to build an emotional relationship begins, with all the burden of expectations that such an emotional investment entails, the risk of encountering disappointment is however high, because the probability of meeting a truly compatible guy on the first try is still low. Disappointments, especially if repeated, only confirm the idea that making an effort to build a serious emotional relationship is in most cases equivalent to wasting time and that the search for a bit of casual sex through an app is ultimately an acceptable alternative if not even the only acceptable alternative.
 
To continue the discussion in a less abstract way, let's first try to clarify what is meant by the emotional dimension of a gay relationship. The affection between two guys manifests itself in a very limited way, even when it exists and is strong, it is a feeling that we must learn to recognize even through abrupt behavior and sometimes difficult to interpret. Affection between guys is much more similar to friendship than to sexual involvement, it is made up of loyalty, respect, and generally does not manifest itself in clear expressions.
 
We must never lose sight of a principle: when too many words are used to express a simple concept, the concept is very weak. Serious emotional communication can also exist without words and reasoning, because it is essentially expressed through symbolic gestures and above all behaviors. It is difficult for guys to use language similar to that used between a guy and a girl and generally for a guy an affectivity that is also very masculine is much more acceptable and shareable. A gay guy instinctively avoids behaviors that may appear feminine and does not accept at all the possibility of being considered a substitute for a girl, that is, of being treated like a girl by his partner. The immediacy and sexual complicity with a guy, in many cases, is not only a form of joking or camaraderie but also has an emotional value, even if not explicit, as happens between guys.
 
Male affection often manifests itself in the acceptance of the other without reservations, in trusting the other, in speaking with him in a frank and explicit way, even brutal, if necessary, in asking and giving help whenever the need arises, in listening to each other, in talking with each other to have the pleasure of dealing with someone you can trust. It happens and not too rarely that the reluctance of guys to express an emotional interest in another guy is overcome through sex, which, paradoxical as it seems, is often considered by guys to be more suitable for them, that is, less feminine, than other external manifestations of affectivity.
 
I have known many stable gay couples for many years, if you meet them on the street they just seem like a couple of friends but they still have their own affection which for example manifests itself in the tendency to willingly give in to one's partner, that is, to willingly accept that he is right, in always finding acceptable justifications for his behavior, in giving him small signs of attention, such as resolving moments of misunderstanding lightly, never accusing one's partner, preserving the couple's privacy with the utmost care and also with absolute respect for the freedom of the other. In general, gays don't like relationships that are too close, they ask their partner and tend to guarantee them a notable level of freedom while at the same time guaranteeing the solidity of their relationship.
 
All the typical behaviors of a gay emotional relationship to which I have referred are apparently little correlated with sexuality and can be found to varying degrees even in couples of friends united by a particularly deep emotional relationship. In reality, both the emotional bonds of a couple and deep friendships also have at their basis a motivation related to sexual compatibility, which in friendships remains muted and in couple bonds progressively takes on a fundamental role, it is essentially a form of compatibility, more or less extended to various aspects of the personality, which determines the niceness of the other. While in friendships the other's niceness, however extensive, encounters limits, in couple relationships it is almost taken for granted that the other's niceness does not or cannot have any limits.
 
In deep emotional relationships, which in themselves entail notable levels of gratification for the people involved, there is a whole series of behaviors aimed at preserving the relationship and preventing moments of crisis, such as never pushing the confrontation too far if one realizes that finding a point of balance, on that specific topic and at that moment, is difficult, never resorting to ultimatums, never threatening the end of the relationship as the final sanction of a disagreement, never interrupting an evening of discussion without an explicit and clear reconciliation or sending an affectionate text message to make it clear that, despite the misunderstandings, the relationship is not in crisis.
 
The couple affection differs from that typical of friendship because it also manifests itself in sexuality and perhaps has its most delicate aspects here. As already mentioned, the excess of words is symptomatic of the lack of content and this is especially true in the sexual field, where words, and especially words out of place and out of context, can be seriously counterproductive, not in themselves but because they constitute a distraction. Sexuality and sexual affectivity are essentially manifested through behaviors that do not in themselves need words. A sincere hug has an emotional meaning that cannot be expressed in words. This means that the absence of words or the reduction of words to a minimum in moments of sexual contact is one of the most important symptoms of the couple's emotional cohesion. Affective sex, that is, sex that involves the deep levels of the person, is done in silence, because it requires concentration and reciprocity.
 
Silence does not only mean silence between the partners but also isolation from the outside, dedicating oneself to each other without external interference of any kind. I think it has happened to many couples to experience a highly disturbing situation, that is, hearing the telephone ring during sexual contact, what is already unpleasant in itself but if the partner feels he has to answer and does so, the atmosphere of sexual involvement and couple intimacy completely disappears and a reaction of disappointment arises, if the phone call is short, but the reaction becomes of rejection, if the phone call is long. Respect for the rule of silence involves turning off cell phones and disconnecting the telephone line in every situation where a true form of intimacy must be sought.
 
Turning off your cell phone when you meet your partner to have sex (but the rule applies in general) and doing it in front of your partner, so that the gesture is significant, is an important sign of couple sexual affection, it is a way to say: "I'm here for you, this evening will be just for us, and we'll leave everything else out!" But also things apparently external have an emotional value, such as having your partner find a well-arranged bedroom and a bed with fresh sheets and pillowcases, or a bathroom with a clean bathrobe. These small signs of attention have enormous significance because they indicate care and respect towards your partner and his needs.
 
The core of a couple's sexual affectivity lies in attention to the needs and emotional moments of your partner, that is, it consists in putting aside the idea of realizing your fantasies to concentrate on making your partner feel absolutely at ease, I mean that the core of a couple's sexual affection is constituted by “sexual altruism”, which must be mutual in order not to compromise the balance of the couple. There is a series of symptoms of sexual altruism that is useful to take into consideration: remembering things said by your partner, trying to find a connection between those contents, reconstructing or repeating situations that the partner found particularly engaging, responding to a playful approach maintaining a playful tone, but also apparently much more banal things, such as responding to a smile with a smile or not insisting if you realize that your partner is not enthusiastic about your behavior.
 
Insistence, in a moment of sexual intimacy, not only violates the rule of silence but is the clear manifestation of a selfish attitude. What happens in sexual contact must be truly shared, that is, wanted or rather desired by both partners. Unfortunately, it often happens that one of the two partners ends up accepting, or rather passively tolerating, some of the other's initiatives and this is already a symptom of strong dissymmetry and suffering within the couple. However, situations are also encountered in which the selfish behavior of one of the partners leads him to neglect not partially but completely the expectations of his partner, this is the case in which one of the partners, after having reached orgasm, feels authorized to get up and leave as if nothing had happened. In such a situation, even compliance with the minimum standards of respect is lost and the relationship can become completely intolerable for the other partner.
 
A particularly delicate moment is created after sexual contact, when the phase of sexual silence ends and the two partners return to words. In those moments, affectivity manifests itself through the integration of sexuality in the context of a relationship also made up of daily and ordinary life. The feeling that you're meeting your partner only to have sex with him can be depressing. If after sex you eat something together, relax, listen to some music, talk about other things, especially if you address personal topics and discuss things in a serious way, you show in facts that you are not together just to have sex and that the emotional dimension is not limited to sexuality alone.
 
After having given a picture of the affectivity within the gay couple, let's return to " sex-only relationships". First of all, it should be underlined that "sex-only relationships" have nothing to do with episodic and casual sexual encounters that can be achieved through apps, precisely because these are relationships that last over time and have considerable stability and therefore help partners to achieve high levels of reciprocal knowledge and intimacy. This fact alone can authorize to believe that a couple bond exists which also has a strong emotional dimension. If an apparently fragile relationship, which is subject to upheavals and difficulties of various kinds, manages to withstand the difficulties, one is entitled to believe that both partners have a serious interest in maintaining the relationship.
 
Looking closely at these couple relationships we realize that, despite the theoretical qualification of "single-sex relationships", many of the typical elements of gay affectivity that we examined previously are present and concretely operational within these couples. The partners deny that solidarity exists between them so as not to feel dependent, but solidarity certainly exists, attention to what the other says, to his behavior and his desires certainly exists, as does absolute sincerity and desire to show oneself and I would say to reveal oneself to one's partner without hiding anything and the desire to be accepted by him for who one really is.
 
Among other things, these couples lack the filler chatter and the sweet banalities with which we often try to fill our daily lives, the words are few, but they are all words that have a meaning, sometimes a certain aggressiveness manifests itself which derives by the desire to have one's say and to say it all even at the cost of being contradicted with the same tone, because ultimately one has the certainty that that relationship will not collapse in any case. It is certainly a relationship that has found or seems to have found its strong point in sex, but on closer inspection the real strong point consists in the fact that both partners have the substantial certainty that that relationship will not fail, that if one of them will need to have the partner close by he will find him close.

For these couples, the pauses between two meetings are never too long and not because of sexual reasons but because partners need to meet even if sometimes at long intervals in order to confirm that the relationship exists and will continue to exist. In many couples who are officially "sex-only", sexual fidelity, understood as exclusivity, may not exist, but anyhow emotional fidelity, understood as stability, still exists, which, beyond labels, is the substance of the relationship.

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  GAYS BETWEEN DREAM AND REAL WORLD
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-22-2023, 10:43 AM - Forum: Gay discomfort - Replies (2)

Hi Project,
I am a faithful reader of Gay Project Forum, when I read it I get moments of enthusiasm because I see so many beautiful stories, that is, so many stories that end well, then I compare what I read on the forum with what I have experienced and still experience in first person and it doesn't add up. But is it possible that I always find the wrong people? That I always end up getting myself into unmanageable situations? But why guys like those who send you their stories don't happen to me too? I haven't found any monsters of perversion or bad people, none of this! I only found guys who wanted to have a bit of fun, who happily didn't care about I really was. Some of these guys had even constructed a kind of philosophical or psychological or sociological theory to give a scientific appearance to their speech. In practice, at the bottom of this theory there is a statement that is taken for granted and that is that people acts only for their own benefit, or for their own ego, so much so that any altruistic action is falsely altruistic, because the true end it is the individual gratification resulting from feeling altruistic and therefore better than others. This theory should be based on experience, and looking at what happened to me I should say that it is a rather realistic theory. But if I read certain stories on the forum I am really moved, I like them, I find my life model in them! Does that mean I didn't grow up and like fairy tales? Have I to take it for granted that selfish theories are well founded and that the world is just a balance of selfishness? Maybe that will also be the rule, but if I like exceptions and if I want to feel like an exception, does this happen just because I am an ungrown child? Last week, after about a month and some encouraging signs from him, I called an ex of mine who had left and blamed me for my frequent unavailability, basically I didn't like being under anyone's orders. I call him, we talk, but he seems like a stranger to me, someone I really know nothing about, someone I didn't understand anything about. At first he seemed different to me, I felt close to him, at least in many respects, he was my idol for a few years, then I wake up and realize that the dream is over. The phone call wasn't short, we talked about a thousand things, I had the role of listener, or at most I was authorized to agree, if I tried to say that I saw things another way he got angry and raised his voice. It was his way of telling me: "if you want to come back with me you have to do what I say and that's it!" But I can't accept something like that, I'm nobody's doormat and I don't want masters. I didn't raise my voice, I waited patiently for a moment of calm in the conversation (because when he starts preaching in full force he never stops!) and I greeted him politely. When I hung up the phone I felt like I had regained my freedom. I had called him back to see if it made sense to try to get together with him again, well, now I have had the clearest confirmation: it doesn't make any sense! Me on the leash of someone like that? Freedom is a wonder! Now a week has passed, I miss him a little, that is, I don't miss him, I miss my imagination about him and so I read a story from Project that gives me a little enthusiasm. I really don't believe that things like the ones I read in stories will happen to me, but dreaming is beautiful anyway, dreaming of a world without selfishness elevated to the norm of humanity, without people who say they love you because they have to put a leash on you, and also without chronic idiots like me who continue to believe in dreams throughout their lives.

Franz

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  GAYS AND SEXUAL DISCOMFORT
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-21-2023, 09:20 PM - Forum: Gay discomfort - No Replies

This post, based on the experience gained in Gay Project, will analyze the uncomfortable situations related to sexuality typical of gays. It is appropriate to organize the discussion following the time periods of life and the different possible living conditions.

Discomforts of gay adolescence, from 12-13 to 17-18.
Discomforts of gay youth, from 18-19 to around 35-40.
Discomforts of mature gay age, from 35-40 years old, up to around 60-65.
Discomforts of gay old age, from about 60-65 years onwards.

It goes without saying that the time limits reported are merely indicative and that the boundaries between age classes are very elastic. Here I'm going to to talk only about discomfort, it is therefore appropriate to clarify what is meant by discomfort.

DISCOMFORT

The Treccani Vocabulary (one of the most accredited dictionaries in Italy) defines discomfort as follows: "Sense of pain and annoyance felt due to the inability to adapt to an environment, to a situation, also for moral reasons." The term discomfort therefore implies a situation of maladjustment, "feeling outside", "feeling different", "difficulty or impossibility of integration into the group".

The center of the discomfort is the difficulty or impossibility of homologation, that is, of convinced and not merely formal adaptation to commonly accepted rules, customs or social behaviors. It is clear that the discomfort understood in this way can derive either from individual factors (life conditions, personality, character, family, educational, small group factors and, unfortunately, also objectively pathological factors, which when present require the intervention of specialists) or by social factors (irrational collective adhesion to a single form of thought, dogmatic and authoritarian thinking, absence of critical thinking, tendency towards strict and even forced homologation, repressive education), or by a mix of individual factors and social factors.

It should be underlined that in the rest of this article I will focus on forms of discomfort not linked to pathologies but originating exclusively from a more or less distorted and forced application of traditional patterns of social interaction.

Homologation means formal inclusion in a group following the recognition of possession of all the requirements needed to be part of that group. Homologues feel part of the group, they see their opinions shared and strengthened by the group, that is, they feel at least in certain respects "equal" to the other members of the group and tend to perceive and characterize non-homologues as "different", strangers to the group and not integrable.

The more dense, analytical and prescriptive the list of characteristics required to be approved in the group is, the more closed and "exclusive" the group is, that is, it tends to rigidly keep out those who are not approved, to therefore exclude any form of integration of the "different ”.

There is no need to say that sexual orientation and sexual behavior are among the most common and most important elements for the purposes of homologation in a group. These elements are also conditioning in groups in which, formally, it is not possible to make any reference to them or they are explicitly excluded, one could say that they operate underground and unconsciously.

Already from this concept of social discomfort it is easy to understand the origin of the discomfort of gays, to whom the category of "different" is attributed par excellence, hence the social invisibility that has historically characterized gays for centuries, precisely as a persecuted group, invisibility which, although attenuated in recent decades, still exists heavily at a local and family level.

EDUCATION AND DISCOMFORT

Attention to the educational phase of the new generations can show and has historically showed different, if not opposite attitudes in societies characterized by different political regimes.

In societies characterized by dictatorial regimes, education has been aimed at "educational homologation", that is, gradually induced through a dogmatic education in which belonging to the group is everything and freedom of thought and individual freedom itself must also be sacrificed to that belonging. The individual exists as a function of the group and not the group as a function of the individual. All stages of education are socialized, individualism is repressed, blind and absolute obedience is considered the highest virtue. Education in Nazi Germany was organized on this basis.

In societies characterized by pluralist democratic regimes, i.e. in societies that did not promote a single and dogmatic thought, but dialogue and confrontation between different opinions, education enjoyed significantly greater levels of freedom and parliamentary dialectics itself was an example of group organization widely used locally. Non-repressive education does not tend towards forced homologation, it does not valorize obedience but the autonomy of thought and respect for pluralism, that is, it tends to integrate the "different" by requiring minimum homologation criteria such as adherence to widely shared constitutional principles, completely excluding non-social but individual characteristics such as sexual orientation. In many Northern European countries this educational model has been applied for decades and has significantly limited situations of discomfort.

DISCOMFORT AND EDUCATIONAL TABOOS

When we talk about education we tend to overlap two distinct concepts, that of education proper and that of instruction. The two terms concern decidedly different areas. Educating means encouraging the natural development of an individual's tendencies. Instructing means first of all providing knowledge and integrating technical skills. The difference between the two areas is manifested for example in the fact that we talk about "technical education" (knowing how to do something specific, at a professional level) but we talk about "sexual education" (i.e. accompanying the psycho-sexual development of an individual so that he has greater awareness of himself and others in the context of sexual contacts). 

Unfortunately, sex education often turns into sexual instruction, that is, into the mere transmission of minimal knowledge regarding contraceptive precautions and the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, in order to technically manage sexual contacts in a non-risky way. This is certainly an important and necessary thing but a thousand miles away from a sexual education capable of undermining perverse mechanisms such as those that lead to feminicide.

Education, at an institutional level, increasingly tends to transform itself into instruction for the preparation of trained technicians for their entry into the world of work, and in this way the individual dimension remains highly marginalized and the need for education is silently forget. It is as if in reality there were educational taboos, which institutional education must be careful not to deal with and sexual education is the most classic of educational taboos. 

Sexual education, neglected at an institutional level, is in fact delegated to other educational agencies, which do not appear to be such but which carry out, for better or for worse, a decisive function in the educational process of the new generations, I am speaking in particular of the churches and religious communities on one side and pornography on the other. 

The almost without exception abandonment of sexual education in the hands of these agencies is quite like a blank delegation issued to suspicious entities due to "conflict of interest". Sexual education should not be delegated either to churches or to pornography because churches (all churches, albeit to varying degrees) have dogmatic views of sexuality and pornography has exclusively commercial purposes (with enormous turnover). Due to their very constitution, these realities lack a secular and pluralist vision capable of reducing discomfort and increasing the level of integration even of the so-called "different".

With these premises in mind we can move on to a specific topic.

DISCOMFORTS OF GAY ADOLESCENCE

A guy who faces adolescence gradually becomes aware of his physical change and the progressive development of his sexuality, something about which, among other things, he cannot talk seriously with anyone, neither in his family nor outside (educational taboo) and at the same time time is subjected to educational pressures especially from the family or the church (much less from the school) which place various kinds of expectations on him and tend to propose and enhance socially accepted behavioral models, at least in theory, but strongly oriented towards homologation. 
If a heterosexual guy is pushed by family talk to look for a girl to feel grown up and in this (in a more or less immature way) he can find real gratification, a guy who feels attracted to guys and not to girls, in a similar situation, will not be able to help but feel profound discomfort and this will lead to very early access to pornography with the risk of considering it a true model of sexual behavior.

But if the discomfort exists and is already significant for a gay guy interested in his peers, the discomfort will be much stronger for guys interested in adult men or in particular sexual practices, which are not very popular and are considered (often completely prejudicially) significantly pathological. These guys actually risk not finding acceptance or understanding even in gay environments where, contrary to what one might think, certain forms of prejudice are still present. Paradoxical as it may seem, even gay environments may not be inclusive.

The discomfort is even stronger on the part of trans people for whom the integration process is still in its infancy and still encounters enormous difficulties. For persons with experiences of this type, adolescence is a very difficult age, because their reality, in fact, must develop without any external support and indeed in clear contrast with family or social environments which tend to require if not demand forced homologations.

There are both forms of discomfort typical of gay adolescence and complications of the forms of discomfort also common to straight kids, linked specifically to gay sexuality.

A gay guy, if he feels that his family has homophobic attitudes and wants to avoid misunderstandings or disruptive clashes, must avoid talking about homosexuality, must not have books or newspapers that talk about homosexuality, must behave externally like a straight person, or at least must avoid displaying attitudes that could be interpreted as signs of homosexuality, for example having a special friend, spending little time with women, showing signs of nervousness or rebellion when faced with homophobic attitudes from a family member, etc. etc..

The problem of masturbation and attempts to repress it to respect more or less shared religious precepts is also common to straight guys, especially believers or presumed believers. Even for straight guys it is embarrassing to confess to the priest that they have masturbated, but for them the problem ends there. When a gay guy understands that the problem for him is not reduced to confessing that he has masturbated but that he should tell the priest that he did it thinking of a man, the situation of discomfort becomes deeper and the circumstance that it was about masturbation with gay fantasies is in fact often omitted, which causes other scruples of a religious nature.

Many behaviors that in a heterosexual context are absolutely not anxiety-provoking and do not cause uncomfortable situations, such as going to gyms and swimming pools and taking a shower together with other guys, can instead cause anxiety and discomfort in gay guys, because for them those things have some clear sexual implications.

Another typical form of discomfort for gay guys in adolescence consists in finding a possible relationship with the female world, because those guys realize that they are the object of sexual attention from girls and if on the one hand they are tempted to create a relationship with a girl, which would favor integration into the peer group, on the other hand they are aware that this is not what they are looking for and that sooner or later with a girl there will also be sexual contact, which could also work but which, in this case, would still create even stronger constraints from which it would then be traumatic if not impossible to free oneself.

DISCOMFORTS OF GAY YOUTH

A young gay man, after emerging from adolescence, i.e. from a state of substantial dependence and control by the family environment, tends to build his own emotional and sexual world, has his own experiences and, inevitably, realizes that the transition from the world of fantasy to that of reality, however natural and deeply desired, can be traumatic because love stories or stories that resemble love stories have nothing to do with fairy tales and real guys, those with whom we must build a relationship, are not at all a copy of ourselves but have their own story, often much more complex and problematic than what appears on the outside, they bring with them conditioning and complexes linked to their sexual stories, which may not emerge or not show themselves in their problematic aspects for even very long periods of time. 

Young gay people must also realize that everyone has their own sexual archetypes and has their own personal repertoire of fantasies and sexual behaviors and that therefore "real" sexual interaction with a guy, i.e. sex experienced with a deep emotional exchange and with at least the prospect of lasting, it is not at all an easy thing to manage. It should be added that many gay guys have a vision of the gay couple built on the marital model while others do not conceive of any kind of constraints and have a non-monogamous sexuality which however is absolutely not a form of betrayal because it is shared by the partners.

These issues, which I have summarized in a few lines, actually occupy a large part of the lives of young gay people. Experience matures slowly, helps to overcome prejudices and inevitably proceeds through trial and error. It should be underlined that those indicated above are the typical problems of a standard young gay man, because the presence of less common or of problems structured over time can also make the youth of a gay guy particularly complicated. It should not be forgotten that sexual addictions are established in this period of life and that some reading of university psychology texts (i.e. objectively scientific) can help young gays to frame their lives and to rationally understand their reactions and mechanisms of interaction within emotional relationships.

Regarding young gays, a fundamental observation emerges: perhaps the most important phase of the development of the adult personality, the one linked to the achievement of mental, emotional and above all economic independence, is completed with entry into the world of work. The young gay adult who works and has economic stability also has substantial autonomy. Paradoxical as it may seem, the strongest trauma, at this age of life, if we exclude serious illnesses and bereavements, is not the breakdown of an emotional relationship but the drama of unemployment which pushes the young gay back to the level of adolescence, i.e. it brings him back to a state of not only economic but also emotional dependence and substantial deprivation of freedom as a result of returning to his parents' home.

If studying and quickly entering a stable work situation is important for a straight guy, it is even more important for a young gay man, for whom freedom and independence from the family are indispensable conditions for realizing his own emotional and sexual life, as well as to obtain rewards from the world of work.

Obviously, entering the world of work is neither a given nor without traumas. The ability to manage relationships with colleagues and superiors matures with experience and at the beginning, the absence of concrete experience can lead to errors which then must be payed, I am referring in particular to the fact that the working environment it is just a work environment that must be managed as a work environment and that colleagues and, even worse, superiors are not friends to whom one can talk freely about oneself because with superiors there is a hierarchical relationship (i.e. one is evaluated by superiors, and you are evaluated with their categories) and with colleagues there is a competitive relationship and therefore a conflict of interests that makes a true friendship impossible. 

We often learn traumatically that we must keep the world of work and that of private life separate, because a confidence made to a colleague mistakenly considered a friend can remain an absolutely confidential fact for years "if there is no concrete utility in revealing it ” but if such a usefulness will manifest itself, the alleged friend will be able to put aside scruples of confidentiality and use what he knows to his advantage, obviously covering himself in the anonymity of "it is said that...".

DISCOMFORTS OF THE GAY MATURE AGE

The mature age from 35/40 to 60/65 years is generally characterized by work and economic stability, when this does not happen the problems become particularly serious because daily life comes to depend on random mechanisms which only increase the anxiety and insecurity and cause self-esteem levels to collapse. Recovering from these situations is not easy because the first need that must be addressed is to obtain a stable job, which may not compromise long-term pension prospects and therefore an at least minimally peaceful old age.

To limit ourselves to situations in which a certain level of work and economic stability has been achieved at a mature age, we can say that the gay adult has now become an old fox, and has accumulated enough experience to allow him to calmly manage the work environment. Emotional life is now on a well-defined track from which it would in any case be difficult to move away, in other words the age of choices is over and the gay adult has just to manage the choices already made.

There are gays who have married and had children and for them everything depends on the level of awareness of their wife and the levels of freedom that family life allows, even if reconciling life as a married man with children with different emotional and sexual choices is not easy at all, but if the family is there and the children are there, all this cannot be put aside and must coexist, as far as possible, with gay tendencies.

There are gays who have built stable gay couples and for them the problems are similar to those of straight couples without children, cohabitation is stable, but the temptations can be many, fidelity is in principle acceptable but it is difficult to make it coexist with a tired and worn-out relationship or with a strong external temptation, if the couple relationship is not yet worn out by the years.

Unfortunately, in this period of life, not to mention the most serious and disabling illnesses, the first typical age-related ailments begin to emerge and prevention becomes an obligatory chapter in the life of gay adults, unless one wants to get involved in politics of the ostrich. Appointments with doctors, rare at age 40, become more frequent as you get older. In a couple, when one of the two has more frequent medical needs, the other partner may show signs of impatience, as if the illness were a choice or a fault, because moving from the role of partner to the role of nurse or care giver represents a radical change of perspective to which not everyone is willing. Abandoning your partner in such a situation is seen as the worst form of betrayal.

Stable friendship relationships are often created between adult gay couples, even if with rather distant meetings. It is a phenomenon that I have encountered many times: once couples are formed or the idea of a couple is put aside, friendships are rediscovered, the simple pleasure of being together, of feeling like they belong to the same tribe, of speaking freely even about gay things as one can only between gays. These friendships are often a not at all banal alternative to couple relationships, some would say that they are a surrogate because they can also take on sexual connotations, especially when it comes to friendships within groups of singles, or quasi-singles, that is, men who also have a sexual life, however episodic and with different partners, generally two or three and always the same.

DISCOMFORTS OF GAY OLD AGE

Over the age of 60-65 it is necessary to realize that life is largely gone, if there are no particular economic problems, the thoughts of elderly gays progressively focus on illnesses but not on the illnesses in themselves, which at a certain age are in fact unavoidable and now constitute a constant in life, despite good prevention practices and the attempt to live a healthy life, but because disabling diseases entail the need for assistance as one may no longer be able to carry out without help even the essential acts for daily life, such as taking a shower or eating or going to the bathroom independently.

At this point the old gay without children feels in a worse condition than the old man who has children and grandchildren and thinks that for a gay, freedom from family ties, which has been a pillar of adult life, will lead to substantial loneliness in last stage of life. Either you will end up entrusted very precariously to grandchildren who want to safeguard their freedom in any case, or you will end up, if there is the money to realize such a hypothesis, being managed by a male or female care giver, or in the worst case you will end up in some old people's home. A gay person, in general, does not have the prospect of remaining in the family until later in life and hopes that death will arrive when one is still in conditions of relative independence, so as not to bother anyone. Naturally this reasoning applies to old gays who have not built a stable couple relationship. 

For those who have built a stable couple, the prospect of mutual help is less traumatic, but in this case, unfortunately, they have to deal with the trauma of widowhood, which sooner or later will take away one of the partners and leave the other in a situation of abandonment similar to that of gays who have not built a couple, but aggravated by the fact that those who have lived as a couple have difficulty accepting solitude. Even for gay couples, as for long-term straight ones, widowhood is the worst trauma.

From what I have personally experienced, I can say that a strongly stabilizing element in the life of an elderly gay is having friendships with gays of all ages, it is as if something similar could slow down the race towards death by keeping a person tied up for a long time to all phases of gay life. I hope that this safety net can last for several more years, at the moment I can say that it is very important.

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  I FELL IN LOVE WITH A REAL GAY GUY
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-20-2023, 07:58 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project,
as you can see from my nickname, which I ask you to keep confidential, we already know each other and we have talked many times in chat. I have a very positive memory of those chats, basically the idea that being gay, after all, it's a beautiful and serious thing and, as you say, it's a way of loving. I spent years continuously looking for a guy, I had my own experiences, a bit like what we all more or less have, but, if I have to tell the truth, all those things seemed to me to be just ways of trying to see what effect it has on me being close to a guy and maybe even having a bit of sex, I mean such experiences seemed more like a test on myself than anything else.

This continuous search for a guy increased my experience, I understood better how to manage a brief contact with a guy, how to talk to him and then go to bed together, in a sense I learned a seduction strategy, if we want to call it so, but I have never managed to fall in love with a guy I met online, in fact, even those who said they were only interested in a serious relationship, while they were officially in love with me, they were also unofficially in love with someone else, lies were the rule and were considered as something obvious and those guys told me a lot of lies of every kind every day, I knew they were lies, the evidence was clear, and I pretended nothing had happened but I had the clear perception that there was actually no serious relationship between me and those guys, not even at a minimal level, so in the end I gave up the classic dating sites and I started to dedicate myself more to work.

When the problem of finding a boyfriend seemed definitively closed to me, because I was now 35 years old, the whole scenario of my life changes, because Gianni (here I will call him that) appears. He is 19 years old, he is objectively handsome, a bit like my ideal guy, tall, blond, smiling, and this matters a lot. Years ago I used to spend a few afternoons in a pine forest not far from my house, I took my computer with me and I sat down to work on a bench. There were people around, actually not too many, but it didn't bother me at all because my job was (and is) just programming and in practice it's very technical and you can do it wherever you want because no one would understand anything about it.

At a certain point I see a guy coming at me with his bicycle, downhill and at great speed, I instinctively get up from the bench and try not to move but to stop him, because he would have ended up at full speed straight onto the bench. It hits me and we both fall, obviously my computer ends up on the floor too. I fall, let's say so, well, because behind me there is the bench that stops me and I expected the blow and I was well balanced, but the guy, Gianni, falls badly. He had a helmet and his head was protected, but when he fell he badly scratched his left calf and knee. A bicycle wheel twists in the blow. 

Gianni gets up and apologizes to me, tells me that he will pay me for all the damages, but I hurry to tell him that nothing happened to me and that the computer fell closed in the grass and I don't think it received any damage at all, but I see him bleeding and I tell him: "But you have to disinfect yourself and you have to put plasters on the wounds and then the bike seems useless to me, let's go to the pharmacy to get something to disinfect." He says to me: "You go to the pharmacy, I'll wait for you here, in the meantime I'll rinse off under the fountain, ... but if it's too much trouble, forget it..." I just reply: "I'll be back very early, don't worry!" I walk briskly to the pharmacy, get disinfectant, cotton and plaster and go back to the park. He is sitting on the bench, he has washed the wounds which seem rather superficial. We disinfect them and don't even put plasters on them, because they aren't needed.

He then tells me: "Now I have the problem of a broken bicycle and I don't know where to leave it, then I have to go home." I tell him that I live a stone's throw away and that I have a garage, where, if he wants, he can leave his bicycle and that, if he wants, I can take him home in the car, he just replies “Ok, thanks! But I can get there on my own, that is, after I've done the damage I don't want to cause any trouble." I tell him it's not a bother at all and he just says “Okay!” He walks a little  limping but not much, I carry the bicycle by hand and he sometimes leans on me, but very lightly.

We leave the bike in the garage and then I accompany him by car to his house, quite far away, we exchange mobile numbers because he will have to come and get the bike back, I tell him that if he wants I can make it fixed, because I think it's damaged but not too much and I know a rather good bicycle mechanic, he tells me that he doesn't know how much it will cost him and that maybe it's better for him to think about it himself, I insist by saying that the mechanic is a friend and that the job could even be done for free. He just replies “Ah… Ok”. I leave him at his house.

I go back to my house and take the bike to the mechanic who tells me that the wheel is crooked but that with a cost of around twenty euros and 10 minutes of work he can fix everything, because he has a spurious wheel of exactly that type. After half an hour the bike is ready, cleaned and dusted and the mechanic also adjusted the brakes which were too ineffective, not because of the brake shoes, which were almost new, but because they were poorly adjusted. I load the bike into the car and go to Gianni's house, call him on the phone, tell him that I have the restored bike with me. 

He gets out, sees the bike, appreciates the work and asks me how much I spent, I tell him that the mechanic had a spurious wheel and that he didn't want anything. It was a lie and he knew it, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “It's not true! Tell me how much you spent..." I couldn't insist and I told him the truth: "Twenty euros" he gave me back the 20 euros and said: "Thank you for the bike and everything else, but don't ever tell me lies! Okay?” I just replied: “Okay!” Then he said to me: “I take the bike up to my room and come back down.” In 10 minutes he is back on the street, he asks me if I should go or if I have some time to take a walk and adds: “… but not here…”.

We get in the car and go to another part of the city. The embarrassment is terrible, we don't know what to talk about and the whole conversation focuses on the accident, he tells me that the bike didn't brake, I reply that the mechanic had also adjusted the brakes, that the brake shoes were in good condition but the brakes were poorly adjusted. He looks at me and says: “Are we sure you only paid 20 euros?” I open my arms and tell him I can swear it on my head. I suggest we go and get something at the bar, but he says no very resolutely and I don't have the courage to insist. We continue talking, then my cell phone rings and it's a customer who has an urgent problem and who wants to see me as soon as possible, I explain it to Gianni, who only replies "Ok, bye and thanks for everything". We don't even shake hands, I just say “Hello!” and everything ends like this.

I feel strange at home. Ultimately the story of the bicycle was used to try to maintain contact with Gianni, but it had served no purpose, it had been an evanescent encounter which to me seemed like a splendid beginning of I don't know what and for him it had probably just been an annoyance. I was deeply disturbed by the meeting with Gianni, he was very different from the guys I had met through the sites. I didn't know who he was, I didn't know anything about him, yet there had been an interaction, no matter how minimal, there had been, even if everything ended up in nothing. 

I had his cell phone number, but I had no excuse to call him, I had now returned his bike and in theory I had no other reason to call him again. But my brain was running and I couldn't stop it. Evidently the brain processes an enormous amount of data which remains below the level of consciousness but which is there. I spent the entire evening working on my client's problem and was able to solve it. Shortly after midnight my mind was free to think about Gianni again, I was very tempted to call him but I feared I might get myself into a complicated and most likely unsuccessful story. Then I had a moment of madness and called him.

- Hi, Gianni, I wanted to ask you how you are and if everything is ok.
- Everything's fine, thanks, but did you call me just for this?
- No, well, I was happy to hear from you...
- I'm happy too. But why did you do all the things you did: take me home, have the bike fixed immediately and take it to my home and everything else?
- Well it seemed right to me.
- Remember that you promised not to tell lies!
- Well, I wanted to talk to you a bit...
- That's better. And why did you want to talk to me?
- I don't know...
- Yes you know...
- If this conversation bothers you, tell me and we'll end it here!
- It doesn't bother me at all... but it took you a long time to call...
- ... So you were expecting my last call?
- Yes…
- Ok, I'm happy about this.
- Now let's see if you can keep quiet
- Have I to keep quiet, on the phone now?
- Yes... then when I tell you, you tell me how you are.
- Okay.

In the minutes of silence my brain worked at maximum speed, building and demolishing the most incredible hypotheses, then Gianni resumed the conversation:

- What are you thinking about?
- To the fact that I want to ask you a question.
- What a question? ...
- Why are you treating me like this?
- To test you, you seem like a good devil, but I haven't figured you out yet, I need time to understand something more. And you, what did you understand?
- Don't embarrass me with these questions. Objectively I didn't understand anything. Intuitively I made a few hypotheses.
- Which hypotheses?
- Don't push me in the corner, okay?
- Ok, so far you still seem like a good devil to me. But now I think it's best to say goodbye...
- Why?
- Because we must have time to understand. Did you want to ask me something before closing?
- No...
- Don't tell lies!
- Well...
- Come on!
- Can we meet again?
- That's better! Of course we can see each other again, if you hadn't asked me you would have disappointed me and I wouldn't have asked you.
- Well, but it would have been a bit mean...
- Well, maybe I would have asked you, yes, I think I would have asked you. But now we say goodbye. I'll call you back tomorrow when I can and if I don't call you before, you call me in the evening after nine. Okay?
- Okay!
- Hi.
- Hi.

Coming home I felt new sensations that I had never felt before, it was clear that I was losing my head for Gianni and his strange behavior encouraged me in that direction. I knew that theoretically everything that went through my head made no sense, but I still found the sense and it even seemed obvious to me. The next day I waited all morning, then all afternoon but Gianni's call never came. I was disappointed, I felt stupid, I thought about not calling him to punish him, then this idea seemed childish to me but I took anyhow a little revenge, instead of at 9.00 I called him at 9.15.
He replies:

- I was waiting for you, but you made me wait 15 minutes... you knew I was waiting.
- But you also haven't called all day, you may have been busy, but anihow you could have found five minutes.
- Yes, I could have found them...
- And you didn't?
- No, but you also didn't call at 9.00.
- But you're strangely strong with these games...
- They're not games and you know it...
- Mh...
- Come on, don't get angry, after all you're a good devil...
- But don't constantly test me...
- You're right, you have the right to your privacy! But you have to agree that even your way of doing things isn't so obvious, isn't it?
- Well, actually... Why are you silent now?
- Because I too have the right to my privacy!
- But this way we play the game of silence...
- It's not a game and you know it well.
- Let's make a deal: no personal questions, okay?
- I can't agree at all! So what should we talk about? And then you would certainly like to ask me personal questions... and so would I... No! No privacy agreement, otherwise it's better to watch television than stay here on the phone. Oh well, I think we'd better say goodbye. I won't call you tomorrow...
- Can I call you?
- No, we won't talk at all tomorrow.
- But why? What did I do?
- Nothing... but we don't have to see each other every day, we'll talk the day after tomorrow...
- You are starting to play games again! No! I really don't like it like this, we'd better end it, there's nothing to say anyway. Hi!
 
And I ended the call. Obviously I felt terrible afterwards, but I felt like I was being made fun of, it felt like he was playing cat and mouse with me, that he wanted to dominate the situation but at the same time I missed him. After a minute I receive a text message: "I won't call you back because I'm almost out of credit, please call me back." I called him back, he told me that he could understand my reaction but that is how he is, maybe he will change, maybe not! The conversation moved on to expectations for the future and there he began to make pessimistic speeches, it was clear that he felt like someone who was absolutely far from the typical models of a good guy, he was alone and took things badly. I tried to tell him some positive things, but he replied to me with a tone of pity:

- But shut up, when you say this bullshit you just piss me off! Shut up, it's better!
I tried to see things a little from his point of view, but I didn't understand exactly what his point of view was or even what he was really talking about. I kept talking to fill the void. He only responded by shouting:
- Shut up!!
Between serious conversations, insults and silence, we stayed on the phone until three in the morning, then he told me.
- Enough is enough, I'm dead tired, but you're truly a good devil, you've stayed until now and no one forced you. I'll call you tomorrow around three, don't worry, I'll call you... Good night.
- Good night!

I was stressed and sleepy but all in all I was happy with how things were going and then Gianni had promised me that he would call me at three the next day, it was as if the phase of playing games, which I didn't like at all, had suddenly ended. I felt like "a good devil", even if I didn't understand the true meaning of that expression.

Here, Project, this was the beginning of our story. It was all a combination of things that I would never have imagined. Gianni wasn't a figment of my imagination, Gianni was truly another guy, with a story I knew absolutely nothing about. I felt that I had to give him his freedom and at the same time that his presence had enormous importance for me. I had to let things go their way. One thing amazed me and in a sense put me in crisis: Gianni had a truly monstrous intelligence, lucid, coherent, unfortunately soaked in radical pessimism, but I felt that his intelligence did not meet the standards from any point of view, it was 100% his, while in most cases I remained much more on the surface of things and clung to the common way of seeing.

I also felt that our relationship, however ramshackle and unlikely, had its solidity based on deep needs, his and mine. Little by little, substantial mutual trust increased and we came to truly tell each other everything. This thing, in my experience, was absolutely unique. Gianni had given me access to his most secret world and I had done the same. He was absolutely the only person who knew me without secrets. I wasn't just in love with Gianni, I admired him as a person, I found in him, despite the dissonances, a dignity that I had never found in anyone else and the courage to truly be himself at least with me.

We started seeing each other often, on Sundays we went shopping together at the supermarket, we cooked together, we stayed talking for hours, I felt him a bit like a brother and a bit like an impossible lover, I saw that he was fine with me, that he was happy to spend so much time with me. For more than a year there was no physical contact between us, he had a boyfriend who had made him lose his mind, but that guy didn't want to know about him and for this reason Gianni had been really terrible, sometimes he was very nervous and he responded aggressively, other times he was depressed to the point of crying. One day he declares himself to that guy and the guy responds really badly. Gianni was devastated. He calls me at two in the morning and he comes to my house. He remains crying desperately for almost half an hour. I hug him and he shakes my hand very tightly, this was our first explicit physical contact.

Over time, the effects of that guy's abandonment faded and Gianni found another guy, one who said he was straight and had a girlfriend, but played explicitly sexual games with Gianni. When Gianni talked to me about these things I was jealous but at the same time I saw Gianni calmer, a little less depressed, a little more willing to smile. Between us, after that first physical contact there were no other physical contacts, but we continued to see each other every week, we were two gay "friends", but behind that being friends I also saw the answer to other needs that cannot be solved with a bit of hit-and-run sex with someone who you consider to be your boyfriend but has a girlfriend, with all that this entails.

Gianni then also met other guys and had sex with them, but I had the impression that he did these things almost to throw himself away, to consume himself in superficial things and avoid thinking. Sometimes he told me what feelings he felt living sex with those guys, and it was clear that they were a kind of slow emotional suicide. On certain days he was in such a depressed mood that I would pick him up at home and we would spend the whole night in the car talking, but with very long pauses of silence, when it was very cold we would both put ourselves under a heavy quilt to warm ourselves with the physical heat of each other. It was precisely on one of those freezing January nights that we had our first sexual contacts. They were things deeply desired by both parties, it was a way of getting to know each other better, of not having even physical secrets from each other.

When we had sex everything was very beautiful, but immediately afterwards the doubts began, the scruples, the regret of having done something that perhaps we didn't really want to do, but also the fear of sexually transmitted diseases. He took the test, I didn't take it because it was the first time I had ever had sexual contact. Luckily the test was negative, but sex between us was never an obvious thing, it was something that seemed strange to him, almost a moment of weakness that he should or would have liked to do without. I too, in a sense, saw things that way and tried to encourage him to break away from me and look for a guy like he would have wanted him, but he saw my way of doing things as a way to dump him and tell him no, he felt very bad and reacted in a depressed and sometimes aggressive way, but only in words. Despite everything, the dialogue between us continued at a very serious level, but integrating sex into this relationship, which in essence was a relationship of deep friendship, seemed like an impossible task.

In the meantime Gianni had enrolled at university, obviously always with the idea that he wouldn't achieve anything and instead he had started taking his exams and his intelligence led him to non-standard approaches even in his studies and the professors respected him. He had also met a couple of rather reliable guys, with whom he occasionally had sexual contact, but he never considered them as life partners. With me things proceeded in the usual problematic way. Little by little I ended up putting aside the fear that Gianni might say goodbye to me definitively, I began to understand that it would never happen.

When he used to come to me and we talked seriously there was one thing that gratified him a lot and that was when I used to tell him that he was a proper person, that he had dignity and that I admired him a lot on a human level. He knew very well that they weren't things just to say and he cared a lot about it. He spoke very little to me about university and the things that, on that level, were starting to go well for him. When he came to me, sometimes we even had a little sex, then he went to open the fridge to eat something and he told me smiling: “There is, there is!” He was referring to a type of ice cream that he really liked and which, obviously, I always had in the fridge. The fact of finding that ice cream in the fridge was reassuring for him. Staying with me, for him, was a bit like staying in the family he had never had, feeling pampered even in the smallest things, like you do with children.

The good progress of his studies was for him the real medicine against depression. In my house I had set up a room for him, with a bed, a bookcase, a desk and two armchairs. Sometimes, after lessons he would come to me and start studying in "his room" and after a few hours I would bring him a snack in his room, all of this gratified him greatly. We could have sex together, but he had to have his privacy, he had to to sleep on his bed if he wanted to, he had to be able to close the door and talk on the phone with whoever he wanted. He didn't study with his university colleagues because he had an approach to studying that was absolutely his own, unique, intuitive but monstrously effective. Sometimes we started discussing physics things, which I only studied a little, and it also happened that in the end he told me that I gave him some interesting ideas, I can't deny that it was gratifying for me. In practice our relationship became a kind of family life that had its own stability and value for both him and me.

A few years have passed, he now works at a good level, and is satisfied with at least that. We see each other less because he has many work commitments, but our relationship continues. I love Gianni, he's a good devil too, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world!

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  TWO-FACED GAY GUYS
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-17-2023, 05:28 PM - Forum: Gay guys - No Replies

Hi Project,
I would like you to read a story I wrote. I changed the names and modified the setting to respect privacy, but the facts are absolutely true, like the sensations and the dialogues. You can use it however you want.

TWO-FACED GAY GUYS

At the time I was 23 years old and I was doing my best to get busy with university exams to try to finish in a decent time, I had known Mario for a few months, I had met him at university but he wasn't my course colleague, I had been introduced to him by some mutual friends, but only because he was with them when once I met them, we weren't really friends, rather simple acquaintances, if not even less, in practice I hadn't really paid any attention to him, also because he wasn't at all the kind of guy I'd turn around and look at on the street. I knew practically nothing about him, and frankly he just seemed to me like an ordinary guy with whom I couldn't or wouldn't have anything to do anyway. It happened that we then met again at university and we talked a bit, but just to kill time: he had a girlfriend and he talked about her often, and really a little too often, I listened to him out of courtesy, however, since he really didn't attract me, I had never thought about a fundamental detail: I had never seen them together, even though according to Mario the girl lived in our town, which is certainly not New York.

Once when Mario, I and another friend were together, the topic of gays came up and he made some strange faces, he didn't make homophobic jokes, but those strange faces were in themselves faces, I won't say perplexed, but as if we were talking about Martians . The other friend, who is 100% straight, was distracted and didn't notice, but those strange faces were directed at me, even though according to my friends I was certainly not gay, even though I never talked about girls. Let's say that the fact that I treated my friends like a perfect straight friend certainly didn't classify me as gay. I too must have made a strange face at least for a few seconds in front of Mario's strange faces, but then I stopped and preferred to change the subject.

Apart from this somewhat strange episode, for me Mario was in all respects an ordinary guy. In the meantime I had met another guy who I really liked and his name was Marco and with him a truly spontaneous and pleasant atmosphere had been created. I suspected that Marco was gay and he probably thought so about me, but at university two guys can't isolate too much, and we behaved like two colleagues who had the pleasure of going to breakfast together and nothing more. In private, with Marco, the conversations were practically explicit, and after a while we ended up telling each other that we were both gay. Marco, however, was a little too free and casual in certain things, he frequented chats where I would never have entered and he also had sporadic encounters with guys he met in chats, things that I would never have done! The relationship with Marco remained only at the level of friendship because he had a rather casual sexual life and then because I had clearly stopped him when he had tried to make sexual advances to me, because I was afraid of sexually transmitted diseases. But we remained serious friends and basically used to tell each other everything.

One day Marco asks me about Mario, I think that he is interested in Mario and I tell him that Mario has a girlfriend. He looks at me with a face I will never forget and says: “Who? Mario?" and he tells me that Mario is on gay dating sites for at least 12 hours a day and he puts scary explicit photos there! Which I don't even think are photos of him! Marco tells me that he tried to contact Mario on one of these sites, but that Mario, who responds to everyone, never responded to him, because he knows that he is a guy from the university and doesn't want to be disgraced. I was astonished. Then Marco broadens the subject and tells me about another guy from the university, a colleague of his, but not mine, who I too had seen around and had noticed with some interest because he was quite cute, and tells me that if you see him at the university he is the prototype of the scientist all mathematics and physics but if you see him on dating sites you are truly amazed and the photos are really his, they are not taken from the internet. Marco then tempts me and tells me that if I want he'll show me what he's talking about, he can enter the site with his credentials and I can judge what's there, both Mario's and that other boy's. I'm very tempted but in the end I tell him that I'm satisfied with the fantasy.

After the conversation with Marco I asked myself several times why Mario keeps Marco at a distance, ok, he doesn't know him and doesn't trust him, but at least he knows that he is gay, he knows nothing about me and plays the straight role with me, and okay, I can understand, but what fear can he have of him? Marco goes on dating sites and tells me of it, it's okay, he's fine because he knows I won't tell anyone, but, let's say, he has a bit of fun on those sites (assuming he has really fun) but he has also real gay friends, and I mean just friends, and he's fine with them. Instead, in my opinion, Mario only has the life of dating sites and nothing else at all. Only gay guys who frequent dating sites know that he is gay, but he has no relationship with them, I mean no emotional relationship. I spoke to Marco on other occasions about this topic and he told me that a gay friend of his met Mario in person through the dating site and that he seemed really addicted to sex, as if that was the only way to have a contact really involving with other guys.

I recently had the opportunity to talk to Mario a bit again and also in a confidential way, he continued to act like hetero but some interesting things came out. In practice he thinks that there really exists, not exactly a gay lobby but a dangerous gay world that hides behind the emotional dimension and is capable of coercing and blackmailing people. He is basically afraid of gays and prefers to hide behind a false straight identity, which is why (even if he obviously didn't say it) his sexual life is all on dating sites and he has no relationships of any kind with the guys he knows in real life. I told him that gays don't eat anyone, that I know some of them and that they are guys like everyone else, that we are friends and that there have never been any problems of any kind. Mario was listening to me, evidently it was the first time he had heard this kind of talk about gays, and he listened with the utmost attention. Obviously I didn't tell him that I was gay, but the fact that I had openly gay friends and that I considered them in a positive way struck him a lot, I told him that I knew Marco and that we were friends, but he couldn't identify him by his name, because he didn't know him except by sight and he didn't know his name and anyway there are many guys called Marco.

I spoke to him about Marco so enthusiastically that Mario did something I would never have imagined, he said to me: "Could you introduce me to him?" and I told him: “Of course! There is no problem!" Then Mario had a lesson and left but he left me his mobile number, and this was a sign that he was really interested in meeting this (for him) so elusive Marco. There was a problem, however, if he had met Marco in person he would have immediately identified him with the guy from university that he had always kept at a distance on the dating site and he would have felt heavily disgraced, but on the other hand there were no alternatives. I spoke with Marco and we organized a pizza for the three of us, when I told Mario, he panicked, because it was practically the first time he would meet a gay guy in person, he was a little scared but curiosity was very strong. In the end, a little insistence was enough and Mario agreed to go and eat pizza with Marco and me.

The big day arrives. Appointment at 8.00 pm in front of the university. I've been there since 7.30pm, Mario arrives at 7.45pm, Marco arrives at 7.50pm (all before the time!). When Mario sees Marco and recognizes him, he feels a moment of panic, but Marco gives him his hand and says: "Hi, I'm Marco, we already know each other." But obviously Marco doesn't add anything else, leaving it to be understood that they met at university and therefore reassuring Mario. We went to eat pizza and in the pizzeria we only talked about our study courses. Mario was afraid that Marco might come up with some gay topic but there wasn't the slightest mention of those topics. Before 9.00 pm we were outside the pizzeria and we went to a small garden near the university, where there is a bench quite isolated. We sat down, Marco in the middle, Mario on his right and me on the left. Marco began by asking Mario: "Still convinced that gays eat children?" The tension of the evening dissolved a bit, Marco continued to behave as if he took Mario's heterosexuality for granted and Mario did not come out, but at the end of the evening Marco and Mario exchanged cell phone numbers and it was a huge step forward.

A couple of weeks later Mario meets me on the university streets and says laughing: "You too?!" I tell him: “Well, things are almost never as they seem!” and he looks at me with an allusive smile and says: “I think you're right!” then he adds: “Shall the three of us go for pizza again? What do you think about it?" I tell him: “if you and Marco agree, everything is fine with me!” He replies: “Okay!” and he goes to class.

The second meeting in the pizzeria begins under the best auspices. Meet at 8pm at the usual place. I arrive half an hour early as usual, then Mario and Marco arrive together. We say goodbye and Mario says: “Now we know everything about everyone! … What a strange atmosphere! I would never have imagined something like this!” I had brought a sticker with the rainbow flag from home, I approached Mario and stuck it on him and said: “What is this thing here? Ah yes… but it suits you!” and he replies: “What an idiot you are!” and he starts laughing.

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  APOLOGY OF THE NORMAL GAY COUPLE
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-16-2023, 06:12 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project,

I started reading Gay Project posts when I was 19, now I'm 35 and I continue to read Gay Project posts. Above all, Project helped me not to get into trouble and to think before acting and I must say that it was useful. At 19 I was enchanted by a guy I liked very much, who I will call Luke here, even if this is not his real name, I would have done anything for him. At that time I appreciated people who were out of the ordinary, those who have that bit of genius and recklessness that gives a pinch of spice to life, it seemed to me that they lived life with another intensity, while I felt too normal, which for me then meant too banal, even as a gay man. Then, reading Project, I began to follow a path of detachment from myths and irrationality and of greater awareness, I began to realize that things can be more complicated than they seem and I also began to ask myself a few questions about things that I saw around me, and so, analyzing certain behaviors of Luke, I began to find some slightly strange things, which according to my logic made no sense and which I couldn't explain, and this fact kept me from getting carried away by enthusiasm. At the time I only knew Luke by sight or a little more, he sometimes hung out with the small group of friends that I also hung out with, a small group in which, at least in theory there were no gays, in reality I was there and years later I had proof that there was also another guy who I will call Matthew  here, who didn't interest me much, or rather I would say at all. Matthew was a man of very few words, Luke, on the contrary, was a flood of quotes and jokes. All this, then, magnified the figure of Luke in my eyes. Luke hadn't joined the group of friends to get in contact with Matthew, who seemed to me 100% straight, but simply to show off, but I understood this later. Over time, after a few months, things changed and it became more and more evident that Luke was now just targeting Matthew, and this seemed completely senseless to me. I was very jealous of Luke and the fact that Luke was now quite clearly interested in Matthew made me nervous but I couldn't do much about it. One day I made up my mind and addressed the problem with Matthew, even if taking the problem very distantly. It was more than evident that Matthew was annoyed by Luke's way of acting and I remember that, to summarize his thoughts, he had made, regarding Luke, the gesture one makes to indicate that another guy is out of mind. After a few days Matthew just disappeared from circulation, and I think it happened precisely because he wanted to stay away from Luke, while Luke remained in his small group of friends. I was happy with Matthew's disappearance, which had left me free field with Luke. On the one hand I was very tempted by the idea of trying something with Luke, but it was however very dangerous, and on the other hand I remembered Matthew's extraordinarily significant gesture. At that time on Project there were several posts about prudence, with very eloquent examples. I continued to hang out with the group of friends but with a certain detachment, I was interested in observing Luke but remaining apparently not interested. I just wanted to understand in concrete terms what Matthew's gesture meant. Luke began to take an interest in another guy, who I'll call Louis here, very cute guy, really very cute, but who was radically straight, and who I knew quite well. After a while I made up my mind and asked Louis what he thought of Luke and he told me that, in his opinion, he didn't have all his wheels in place in his brain and added " and he even made me a half-declaration of love!" I looked at him surprised and Louis told me that Luke, to get out of the embarrassment of the situation, had told him that he had a girlfriend, who I'll call Mary here, and that he would introduce her to him, which then happened, but the story didn’t end here because, a short time later, Mary became pregnant and Luke married her when they were both only twenty years old, and invited all his friends to the wedding. We gave him a collective gift but none of us went to the wedding. After the wedding Luke disappeared and I told myself that there were several things that didn't add up in Luca's behavior: first he tried with Matthew and then with Louis and after a while he got a girl pregnant and married her... No! It didn't make sense. Ok, there are fluid sexualities, but that gesture of Matthew was always stamped in my mind, a gesture which said it all. We learned only after a long time that Luke’s marriage had lasted just a year and that after the divorce or perhaps the annulment, I didn't quite understand whether one thing or the other, Luke, even leaving behind his son, who had been entrusted only to his mother, he had gone to live in Prague, in an apartment paid for by the family, but we didn't hear anything else. What does Project have to do with all this? It definitely has something to do with it! By reading Project I learned to be prudent and to understand that before starting to fly high, you need to understand if it makes sense and above all if the guy you see as the guy of your dreams is really the guy of your dreams. If I hadn't kept my distance from Luke, I probably would have remained entangled in some story with some pathological implications and I don't know how I could have gotten out of it. I was very young then, but Luke's story was like a kind of vaccination for me. In practice, when I met a guy who might interest me, I used to put him under the most accurate scrutiny, I analyzed him with X-rays and at the first sign of strangeness (I'm talking about true strangeness bordering on the pathological, and there was some!) I distanced myself and went back to being on my own. A few years later I met my current boyfriend, who I will call Francis, we studied each other for a long time before taking a step out into the open. Both he and I were two perfect singles with some female friendships and neither of us had the rainbow flag printed on our chest, but we have been able to identified each other anyway. We both spoke very little and the first approaches were very slow, his behavior was hesitant, like mine, but always coherent, that is, without strangeness and without excesses. I felt he was very similar to me. We never talked about girls between us, it was clear that we found each other interesting but neither of us had the courage to take a step further and come out, then at a certain point Francis broke the ice and said: "if I prefer to go out with you rather than with a girl, from my point of view there is a reason..." and I replied: "also from my point of view!" We didn't explicitly tell each other what the reason was but it was obvious to both of us. Between us we didn't use either the word gay or the word homosexuality, we only talked about ourselves as two friends who love each other, even if little by little we had become more than friends. We would both have had problems in the family if our story had had public implications and therefore everything remained in a strictly private dimension and I must say that I don't mind it at all. The fact that no one pries into our relationship seems extremely positive to me: no chatter, no gossip, no judgments from people who have nothing to do with us, it's just me and Francis and our relationship belongs only to us, we don't have to give explanations, we don't have to conform to any model and we don't have to play any part in comedy. Francis and I are first of all friends in the profound sense of the term, that is, we understand and support each other, there is also a bit of sex, when it happens, and not even a little, we have the pleasure of being together, people see us as two unrepentant singles, waiting for their soul mate, who in their opinion should necessarily be a girl, but we found our soul mate a long time ago. Above all, Francis has a quality that I like very much: he is a normal guy, like me! He's not a genius, he's not an Apollo, he's a normal guy, without alarming oddities and without megagalactic dreams in his head, I feel good with him and not out of habit or for a quiet life, as I read in a recent post by Project, but because I feel him like a guy like me. Perhaps this post may seem like an apology for normality, obviously for gay normality, but frankly I don't think so, we don't feel exceptional but we have never had the feeling that we were missing something.

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  GAY SEXUAL ATTRACTION
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 10-16-2023, 01:37 PM - Forum: Gays and sex - No Replies

Sexual attraction is a complex psycho-physiological mechanism which, in response to certain stimuli, causes a reaction of interest and psycho-sexual involvement, which manifests itself both on a psycho-emotional level, as a state of excitement, and on a physiological level, through erection and in some cases even ejaculation.

The most common stimuli that trigger the psycho-physiological mechanisms of sexual attraction are above all visual, auditory and tactile, but also the perception of the heat emanating from the other's body and even thinking about the other guy can be a stimulus capable of producing sexual physiological reactions. The forms of involvement can range from the highest levels of sublimation, in the absence of any perceptible physiological sexual reaction, to a real sexual addiction.

Daily experience teaches that sexual attraction is always highly selective and this obviously also applies in the homosexual field. The people who exert a real sexual attraction on us are decidedly few, all the other people are completely or almost completely sexually neutral for us. When sexual attraction appears generalized towards all male individuals, simply because they are male, the suspicion that sexuality is strongly conditioned by obsessive and compulsive mechanisms is justified. The selectivity of sexual attraction is linked to the fact that starting from adolescence, through masturbation, the sexual archetypes of each individual are defined and strengthened, i.e. the characteristics, first of all physical but also emotional, behavioral and mental of the archetype (model) of person we consider sexually attractive.

It is not said that for each individual there must be only one sexual archetype, but individual sexual archetypes are generally a very limited number. The sexual life of an adult is strongly oriented by the sexual archetypes created in adolescence. It is a well-known fact that users of pornography (and here I am referring to gay pornography) generally do not choose videos for the type of action that takes place but for the actors who act in that video. It is also known that users of gay pornography mainly choose videos with actors who have very similar physical characteristics or who belong to very similar ethnic groups, because for those subjects, those videos are particularly exciting. The mechanism of selecting the porn video to watch is similar to that which directs sexual interest towards this or that real person.

Sexual attraction, in normal conditions, is, or should be in any case, a substantially automatic spontaneous mechanism, that is, which is triggered by itself, in the presence of the right stimuli. However, it happens that in some (rare) situations, the mechanism is inhibited at the root by hesitations, conditioning and complexes of various origins which brake the sexual response so much as to actually make it so problematic and anxiety-provoking that the suppressive mechanisms are able to repress it before it can manifest itself; however, even when the mechanism of sexual attraction is not inhibited, it does not operate mechanically and primary sexual attraction can fade very quickly when the expectations it arouses do not find any response or, worse, find dissonant or disinterested responses. The classic example of this mechanism is summarized in this email fragment.

“I liked him a lot and after a bit of back and forth I decided to invite him to have a coffee together at the eleven o'clock break, but he replied that today he couldn't and it could have been done maybe another day, but it was It was clear that he didn't really care."

The most immediate response and indicative of a serious willingness to maintain contact consists precisely in not letting an opportunity for contact fall by the wayside and in immediately and unconditionally accepting any proposal that presupposes the maintenance or strengthening of contact. In some cases, primary sexual attraction does not encounter any form of refusal or any manifestation of availability because, for environmental or opportunity reasons, the opportunity for even minimal interpersonal contact that could manifest that refusal or availability is lacking; in these cases, I mean when the sexual attraction lacks any possible confirmation, the completely one-sided mental constructions increase without any possibility of verification and the expectations projected onto a de facto non-existent relationship also increase which, when tested by the facts, could also turn out to be radically disappointing.

Unmanifested disinterest, perhaps for reasons of courtesy, or in any case not underlined by the hypothetical partner is generally seen as a positive element that would hide shyness but behind which we tend to see a potentially positive response.

Overly explicit signs of sexual availability are generally not appreciated, whereas more nuanced signs of availability are preferred such as the tendency to respond with a smile, not shying away from dialogue, giving a lot of time to listening to the other guy, the tendency to create a more intimate conversation and to trust the other. Generally, politely expressing your availability is very welcome, while asking your partner for clear and binding answers is considered dominant and aggressive behavior. In summary: “availability can or must be offered but cannot be demanded!”

When mutual interest is now established, the most difficult steps still remain to be taken, namely those linked to the first physical contacts. Going from the level of words and dialogue, even very serious ones, to the level of physical contact, even limited only to holding hands, caresses and what are commonly called cuddles, is usually very difficult. It should be underlined that if two guys have a form of dialogue between them characterized by absolute sincerity and  absence of taboos, even on intimate topics, it is by no means certain that physical contact can be created between those two guys, because physical contact, even minimal, such as holding hands, has much deeper emotional implications than verbal contact. A serious dialogue can also be built on the phone or in chat, without knowing each other in person, while physical contact in any case requires the actual presence of two people and mutual availability for physical contact. 

It can be said that when we talk to a guy we don't know, and try to get to know who he is, we use the few elements we have available to get a general idea and we complete the picture by defining all the elements of which we have no knowledge through projective mechanisms, that is projecting our desires on that guy. For example, behind a beautiful voice (i.e. a voice that we like) we take for granted that there is a beautiful person (beautiful in the sense of conforming to our desires), it is evident that this mechanism can lead to projections very far from reality. It is common for many serious friendships born on the Internet to push partners to meet in person, in the belief that  friendship can transform into a sexual relationship, but experience teaches that this possibility remains unrealized in the majority of cases, because at the time of the first meeting in person, the typical mechanisms of sexual attraction - which are not mental but immediately physiological - may not be triggered. This means that in order to talk of a couple sexual relationship, i.e. something involving mutual sexual attraction, it is essential that the two partners know each other in person for a sufficient amount of time to understand if the sexual interest actually exists and above all if it is mutual, because no unilateral sexual attraction, however strong it is, can build a relationship between a couple, which necessarily requires the reciprocity of sexual attraction.

It should be underlined that in relationships in which there is a lack of personal knowledge between the partners and everything remains at the level of telephone conversation or chat, we often witness the phenomenon of "love language drift": the partners indulge in an affective language typical of couples who are truly in love, almost taking it for granted that the relationship will evolve to that level, then, however, at the moment of meeting in person, an unexpected cold shower can arrive, either because the mechanisms of sexual attraction intervene only unilaterally or because they do not intervene at all.

In male homosexual couples, the moment of transition to the first physical contacts can encounter a particular problem, the so-called "refusal of cuddles", because one of the two partners is used to considering cuddles something for women or in any case unmanly, which must be put aside without hesitation to move on to sex in the most immediate sense of the word. It is clear that if one of the partners believes that cuddling is important precisely as a manifestation of affection which then opens the way to a highly affective sexuality, while the other evaluates things in a radically different way, the risk of a couple crisis, even before the realization of the couple itself, becomes quite concrete. It is difficult in these cases to find a point of conciliation.

As in all issues relating to sexuality and interpersonal relationships in general, difficult does not mean impossible, because the personal element, in these cases, is more decisive than the external objectivity of the situation, and here the fundamental character of the life of the couple can enter the field. If the difficulties are overcome and are archived thanks to the good will of both partners, then a couple really exists or at least is in gestation, if instead the positions remain rigid, that is, if the idea of being right or insisting on one's opinion in order to prevail is not overcome in the name of the needs of superior couple harmony, then the couple is truly in crisis.

“Cuddling” is by no means a trivial thing and should not be seen as a necessary step to conquer your partner, but a step which you would gladly do without in order to achieve immediate sexual contact. The idea that sexuality has as its objective the realization of a sexual intercourse and moreover following well established ways, in a gay dimension makes no sense at all. In the heterosexual world, if it was taken for granted that sex serves only the purposes of reproduction or that it is practiced or must be practiced only for reproductive purposes (an idea very far from reality) it would make sense to think of a sexuality that must necessarily be heterosexual and fertile, that is, it would make sense to think that every sexual contact has reproduction as its purpose. Among gays, for whom sex has nothing to do with reproduction, the idea that sexuality is aimed at reproduction is absolutely inconceivable and even more so is the idea that there is a particular modality of sexual intercourse that must be privileged. Gay sex has only the well-being of the partners as its aim and the choice of methods for pursuing this well-being can only depend on the partners themselves. In this sense, the cuddling phase cannot be considered as a phase destined to be overcome, because in an emotional-sexual relationship cuddling is an essentially unavoidable component. If there is resistance towards cuddling on the part of one of the partners, the other partner will have to use the utmost delicacy to avoid being imposing, even if only by attempting to promote or in any case prolong over time a phase of cuddling that is not really appreciated, or not yet really appreciated.

Friendship relationships between gays and even between a gay and a straight are common things, but generally they are not accompanied by forms of sexual attraction on either side. There are exceptions, obviously, but for a relationship to arise not only emotional but also sexual, it is essential that a mutual sexual attraction manifests itself. And here the first problems arise. Every guy is aware of the levels of his own sexual involvement but only has an approximate idea of the levels of involvement of his possible partner, he would like to know them, but an explicit discussion on these topics is generally far from easy. It must be underlined that if very different ways of seeing things can manifest when it comes to cuddling, when it comes to sexuality in the strict sense of the term, one can easily realize that the most varied meanings are connected to this word and therefore there is very little point in talking about a sexual relationship if it is not clear what the contents of this relationship are, i.e. what is meant by sexuality and what sexual behaviors each of the two partners believes should be part of the relationship. But beyond behaviors, understanding the partner's motivations and clarifying one's own motivations is essential for both partners to have a concrete idea of their partner's expectations. 

Only if the expectations are compatible and each of the two partners believes he can correspond to the other's expectations, will it be possible to start a relationship that also involves sexuality with a minimum of security. If there is in fact a lack of serious knowledge of the partner's sexuality, either because a preliminary phase of discussion and dialogue was missing or because in that phase due honesty was lacking on one side or the other and there are contents that have remained unexpressed or which have been underestimated, the start of the sexual phase of the relationship rests on very fragile foundations and the risk of a couple crisis can materialize in an unexpected and disruptive way.

Speaking clearly to your partner about your sexuality is very difficult because, consciously or unconsciously, you generally try to show the best possible image of yourself and you tend to omit all the contradictory, problematic or even embarrassing aspects of your sexuality and of your in general of your personality. There are very few people who manage to have a dialogue without taboos with their partner, that is, who manage to talk to him about their sexuality without reservations. In this field two substantially opposite tendencies collide:

1) "I don't want to know anything about his past"

2) "I would like him to feel free to talk to me and for this I must set a good example".

The trend summarized by sentence no. 1 could be defined as "ostrich politics", because it is said that in conditions of danger the ostrich prefers to put its head in the sand and pretend that the danger does not exist. Those who prefer not to know to avoid going into crisis and having to face moments of uncertainty or anxiety prefer to walk in the dark rather than in daylight and behave as if what they don't know doesn't actually exist. A guy who follows this path is afraid and prefers not to know, not only he fears that the other partner may demonstrate problematic or even pathological aspects that are unacceptable, but he trys to avoid being forced to show aspects of himself that could be not acceptable for his partner and therefore such a guy bases his concept of couple stability on the mutual "not knowing".

The trend summarized in sentence no. 2 is that of the good example: "if you want sincerity you must be the first to offer sincerity without reservations". Clearly, those who follow this path have trust in their partner and trust that within the couple there can be full mutual understanding and acceptance, that is, a shared sexuality can be built together, beyond the previous individual sexual history and current individual sexuality of the two partners.

We often hear that sexuality is immediate and instinctive and that when it comes to sex, any couple quickly finds its balance, but this statement is more denied than confirmed in the facts. Couple sexuality is often very problematic not so much at the level of sexual practices, i.e. what is done, but at the level of motivations and emotional interpretations of mutual behavior. It happens several times that a gesture made by one of the two partners with a relaxing purpose is interpreted by the other partner as aggressive or even as a form of disinterested response.

Actual sexual contacts, when they are not framed in a consolidated scheme in which the succession of events is taken for granted, must be triggered by a more or less explicit request from one of the partners and by acceptance, which is also more or less explicit on the part of the other partner, this is the so-called initiative phase which is often complicated by a complex psychological game which often creates embarrassment, because it happens that one of the partners may fear that the proposal of sexual contact is not, at that moment and in that situation, really appreciated by the other partner. The fear of being inappropriate or appearing too interested in sex slows down explicit requests and freezes one partner while waiting for the other to take the initiative. The other partner, who expects a request for sexual contact which in fact does not arrive, enters an anxious state and begins to wonder why the request was not made; he would like to take the initiative himself but finds himself blocked by the (erroneous) presumption that his partner might not like it. This creates a stalemate and the embarrassment grows. These situations are the consequence of a lack of mutual knowledge and can be overcome by simply accepting the risk of being inappropriate.

In the very first sexual encounters of a couple it may happen that one of the partners feels a little too heavily the presence of a code of behavior derived from pornography, that is, that in practice he realizes that the other partner tends to build sexual contact on models of pornography. In this sense the first alarm bell may ring "before sexual contact" in the undressing phase. I'll try to clarify the matter through a concrete example, taken from an email."

“We decided to take a week's holiday to dedicate a bit to ourselves, after all it was our first time, and we went to a campsite where we got a bungalow. Upon arrival you have to get set up, then you go to the seaside, then there's lunch, then back to the seaside in the afternoon, then a light dinner and then, finally, the moment arrives. We were both very excited, we went into the bedroom (with two separate beds) and I started to undress just like I do to go to sleep, but he stopped me, turned the lights down to minimum, put on a sexy piece of music on his phone (or that seemed sexy to him) and he began to undress me with certain cinematic attitudes that you can't even imagine. I thought he was joking but no! I waited a few minutes, then I said to him: Are you kidding me? And he replied: No! It's so beautiful! Whereupon I rejected him and told him: No! I think you misunderstood! And I started to get dressed. He looked at me as if I had abruptly gone crazy , but he didn't change his tone and tried to insist on his script. Luckily we had gone there with two cars and had paid 50% of everything. I took my car and went home. I really don't want to feel like a porn actor!”

Another situation of embarrassment that is very heavy and conditioning to the point that it can lead to the unsustainability of a couple's relationship, can derive from the different attitude of the partners towards the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. There are people who absolutely do not take the problem seriously, they do not agree to take the test, they claim not to use any protection and even refuse to accept limiting themselves to low-risk sexual practices. On these elements, absolute clarity should be the rule and instead prevention is among the most neglected topics.

The individual tendency to assume a dominant role also manifests itself in sexuality and it often happens that one of the two partners tends more or less consciously to impose certain sexual behaviors on the other, or simply tries, but with forms of heavy and harassing insistence capable to undermine the harmony and balance that should characterize every sexual contact. If a wrong or inappropriate attitude of this kind occurs episodically, it creates a contained alarm that can be easily overcome but, if it is repeated, it is quickly considered as a cause of possible couple incompatibility.

In couples' sexuality there are also, obviously, behaviors considered very gratifying, such as playfulness, that is, not considering sex as a duty to be performed following a precise code, or also dedicating a lot of time to sex, diluting sexual activities on long periods of time with breaks and intervals or, first of all, making your partner feel comfortable. The first element that makes pleasant every sexual couple activity is the spontaneous participation of the partner and his satisfaction.

A very important meaning must be attributed to the phase that follows the sexual encounter. The partner's spontaneity and ease in that phase indicates that sex was experienced in a positive and rewarding way, while the haste to leave, silence or formal reactions indicate that participation in sex was minimal, disappointing or was perceived as an obligation or a banal thing to do.

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  GAY SEX AND SEXUAL INTIMACY
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 06-25-2023, 03:30 PM - Forum: Gays and sex - No Replies

Sex is not performance, it's not about giving a show or giving demonstrations of various kinds. Real sex is not a porn movie. Sex, and I'm talking about gay sex in particular, that is, a sexual dimension that has nothing to do with procreation, is essentially shared intimacy. Such concept of sexuality is very broad and includes many things that are not sex in the strict sense, but have or can have many sexual implications. True sexual intimacy is achieved when a guy is not conditioned by his partner, in the sense that he feels neither forced nor artificially induced to have sex, but does it freely, when asking for sexual contact from his partner does not create embarrassment and does not can under no circumstances elicit perplexed or embarrassed responses, when the request for sexual contact by one's partner is welcomed as a positive thing and of great emotional significance, when being naked together does not create anxiety or embarrassment, when physical contact is unreserved and without taboos. The only real problem in gay sex is represented by the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, but beyond this risk, which is objective and which must ALWAYS be adequately prevented, there are practically no other real problems.

Sex, all sex, is absolutely incompatible with the idea of domination, oppression or exploitation of the other. In gay sexual relations the rule of equality of partners is absolutely fundamental. Anyone who tries to use sex as a means of domination and control of another person or simply behaves by inducing forms of subordination or fear in the other, even unconsciously, should understand that those purposes and those behaviors are the denial of sexuality, which is a profound participation in the life of the other, in his anxieties and problems, that is, in the life of the other as a whole, because the entire personality of an individual is reflected in sex. And this is why living sexuality well brings enormous benefits not only to the tone of mood,but to the person's overall balance and general state of health.

Sharing sexuality, when it is authentic and reciprocal, lowers anxiety levels and helps to face the problems of ordinary life together, because it creates a solid bond, a relationship of trust and esteem between two people who support each other and can participate in each other's decisions by also expressing a different point of view, which never hurts.

Accepting the idea that compromises must be reached and that peaceful coexistence is basically the art of compromise is an indication of maturity, but if it is easy to accept compromises on questions of objectively very relative weight, the more a choice implies profound levels of a person's affectivity, the more difficult it becomes to accept compromises. We can easily accept the idea of going on a Sunday with a friend to see a film even if we are not interested in the film, but it is morally reprehensible to accept marrying one woman instead of another in order to obtain economic or career advantages. By morally reprehensible, I mean that such a choice is not only theoretically immoral but ends up negatively affecting all of life. In essence, immoral choices seem to bring advantages, or perhaps they objectively bring immediate benefits, but in the long run they are paid for and often very heavily. Mixing sexual interest with interests of another nature, that is, with interests linked to the search for economic or social advantages, means subordinating a fundamental emotional choice to the achievement of purposes that appear fundamental but are not at all. Those who devalue sexuality by subordinating it to non-affective ends deny an essential part of themselves in the name of ephemeral interests, that is, they subordinate the essential to the marginal. 

Sexuality should not be mythologized or decontextualized, precisely because it is relational, it does not exist in the abstract but only in specific situations. Experiences related to sexuality are lived in a strictly personal way and depend on the relationship with another specific individual. What we lived with Titius has nothing to do with what we can or could live with Caius. It is precisely for this reason that defining rules of sexual behavior has essentially no meaning. There is no manual of sexuality beyond the one fundamental rule that sexuality must be a form of love. The only true rules of sexual behavior are in fact only corollaries of that fundamental rule.

Abstract rules, such as strict monogamy, the at least tendential definitiveness of the bond and therefore its irrevocability or its difficult revocability, the need for coexistence, the socialization of the relationship, etc. etc., are merely attempts to pigeonhole an affective relationship within categories similar to those that are taken for granted, although not always, in the context of marriage. That those rules may have no use and may even be an obstacle in the sphere of marriage, obviously heterosexual, has already been recognized on a social level, through the introduction of divorce, which among other things is an institution as old as the world, at least in countries where the law has retained its substantial secularity, that is, it was seen as an organization of the existing and not as a form of indirect imposition of behaviors deemed right a priori. In the heterosexual field there is the objective problem of protecting the interests of the children and a regulation of marriage has a motivation in any case. Basically, the real problem in that area is the definition of the limits within which the legislator can operate. In the context of homosexual relationships, if we refer to the protection of children, where there are any, we can only refer to the same discipline that regulates heterosexual relationships, because the interest to be protected is that of minors and not that of adults, but when there are no children, as still happens today in the vast majority of cases, in a secular state no restrictive intrusion by the legislator is admissible, while any intervention aimed at guaranteeing equal treatment with heterosexual couples for partners in homosexual unions who intend to legally formalize their relationship is a duty.

Obviously one thing is the substance of the couple relationship and another thing is its legal formalization, which is not an obligation but a right that must be the object of a shared choice by the two partners, but, it must be emphasized, it must only be the formalization of something that already exists. The couple relationship is not established with marriage or with any other legal instrument and, indeed, it can be said that the formalization of the relationship does not in any case constitute a prop to keep a shaky union standing or to create an emotional bond. In a gay couple sharing sexual intimacy is an absolutely primary and free fact, it is not a rational choice or decision that takes into account predictable advantages and disadvantages. The sharing of sexual intimacy, if it is not absolutely spontaneous and instinctive, is the result of a more or less violent forcing or self-forcing and for this very reason it is born spoiled by a lack of spontaneity and is destined not to produce positive effects.

Experience teaches that just as a straight guy is not attracted to all women, so a gay guy is not attracted to all men and, indeed, the vast majority of men are completely indifferent to him, because sexual attraction only arises towards a few or very few people. It is only with those people that one experiences a true form of sexual involvement, only with those people, if one gets to know them better, is it possible to experience forms of true sexual excitement. If the attraction is mutual then the idea of sharing sexuality becomes a real possibility.

It should be emphasized that the traditional formula according to which well-matched couples, which would be better defined as stable couples, must be formed by individuals who are very similar to each other, is a classic preconception that has no correspondence in reality. There are no a priori parameters that allow predicting the greater or lesser stability of a hypothetical couple based on the mere observation of the two hypothetical partners separately from each other. Sexuality is relational and stable couples often find "their motivation" in things that seen from the outside have very little or no meaning at all. The reasons why a couple lasts over time are inherent to that single couple and cannot be generalized.

However, one element is recorded almost constantly when a new and true couple bond is formed: when a guy feels attracted to another and realizes that the other shares the same feelings, the involvement is total and both feel the feeling of starting a "new life" a life together. It is not said that these sensations are destined to last over time, because instinctive interest often arises on the basis not of serious reciprocal knowledge but of projections of what one desires, projections which one sometimes risks confusing with reality. The guy who sexually attracts me is beautiful, very serious, very good, very spontaneous, very much in love with me, etc. etc. Naturally these assumptions of principle will then have to deal with reality, but, if, even redimensioned, they will basically remain standing, perhaps leading to a conclusion like: "He has his flaws, but I wouldn't trade him for anyone else!" and similar assessments will also have been made by the other partner, one can only acknowledge that a couple has in fact formed.

Couple means mutual freedom, mutual esteem, mutual knowledge without taboos and sharing of sexuality, this is where the difficult part begins, because, I stress, in this case sharing means sharing without reservations, without gray areas, without omissions. There is no real esteem for your partner if you don't consider him capable of fully understanding your point of view and your experience, I am talking about understanding, not necessarily sharing, but, mind you, to understand behaviors of an individual, you must not adopt a judgmental attitude and at least you must have respect for what youe dom't share. Not sharing does not mean judging negatively but only not experiencing the same things firsthand.

Sharing sexuality is a form of mutual trust. Each partner confides very private aspects of his person to the other, which is possible only when there is deep mutual esteem. Obviously this entrusting presupposes absolute confidentiality on the part of the partner. The violation of confidentiality is always an irresponsible behavior, but when it comes to sexuality it is particularly unpleasant for the partner and if the violation of confidentiality is fully conscious and wanted, it represents a hateful form of aggression that makes the continuation of the relationship unthinkable. What is known in the context of a couple relationship, and not a generic relationship of a social nature, must remain strictly within the context of that couple relationship. The violation of this principle of confidentiality, even towards parents or siblings, is intolerable and does not admit of any justification. Similarly, couple problems must be resolved within the couple, other people can also be called upon to intervene but only if both partners agree, otherwise the privacy of the couple would be violated and one of the two partners would see the trust placed in the partner heavily betrayed.

Sharing sexuality means finding a balance, i.e. a compromise between different ways of experiencing sexuality. The less the two partners' visions of sexuality are compatible, the more complex the search for balance will be. I emphasize that I did not speak of identity or similarity but of compatibility. Two people can have distinct views on sexuality that are, however, perfectly compatible. Maintaining balance is not always easy and moments of crisis exist. A solid couple is not a couple immune to moments of crisis, but a couple that manages to find sufficient motivation within themselves to overcome the crisis and proceed further.

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  THE CHARM OF A MAN
Posted by: gayprojectforum - 03-11-2023, 03:23 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project,

yesterday I spent a beautiful day (and night) with my boyfriend, it doesn't happen very often, but yesterday I fully lived the experience of feeling the charm of a man, not of a boy, because we've known each other for a long time and now we're not more guys. The charm of a man is, in his unpredictable side, in not following a script, in the fact that he can surprise you with behaviors you would never expect, in saying no clearly but without hurting you and also in the fact that he is capable of valuing you more than you do yourself starting from things different from those to which you are used to attributing a meaning. 

The charm of a man lies in knowing how to be not only ironic but also self-deprecating, in being overwhelming in sex without putting you in difficulty, in knowing how to move from sex to convincing and rational reasoning, without pointing out your weaknesses. The charm of a man lies in knowing how to awaken you sexually when you are most refractory and in saying no, if he can't, but only for a postponement, when you have more desire for him. 

A man fascinates you when he attracts you from every point of view, when he can be calm and controlled in society and he can be free and fiery in private, when he can make you understand that he is more comfortable with you than you think. The charm of a man lies in an unexpected intimate gesture, in a lightening smile, in abandoning himself when he is with you to an absolute spontaneity held back only by the idea of not putting you in difficulty. The charm of a man is truly such when he is not always compliant or dominant with you, when he knows how to tease you gently, when he stops to reason with you but not to be right necessarily, when he lets you know he cares about you. 

You feel the charm of a man when you understand that he knows what he wants, that he goes his own way and that way naturally meets yours, when you know that you don't have to convince him of anything, that that very rare chemical combination, which is called mutual attraction, with him it has been realized and will not be just a gust destined to vanish. You don't catch a man's charm at first sight, it's not the effect of a stroke of lightning, you catch a man's charm over time, you catch it in the certainty of his presence, in the reciprocity that manifests itself in deeds. 

A man doesn't fascinate you with his words but with his behavior, with his dignity, with not denying his responsibilities and mistakes, with not keeping a foot in two shoes, with always telling the truth, even if it's unpleasant. A man fascinates you with his morality and his sexuality, because even in the utmost sexual freedom there is a morality. The charm of a man is in his solidity, in the fact that you don't expect him to turn around, you don't expect double-dealing or ambiguity. A man fascinates you because he's not afraid to lay bare in front of you, body and soul, and he expects the same from you. 

A man fascinates you because he knows how to bind you with his fidelity, which is not necessarily sexual fidelity, but it is the constancy in loving you, because he doesn't expect anything from you beyond what you are and what you can give, because he never forces you, because he seeks a balance with you, because he values you as a person even when he's convinced you're doing something stupid, because he doesn't lose his temper and doesn't take revenge, because he's capable of bringing out the best in you. A man fascinates you because he speaks little and what he says is never banal. 

A man fascinates you because he doesn't abandon you, because he knows how to adapt to you, because he sees value in you and understands the meaning of what you say to him beyond words, because he knows how to listen to you and lets you enter his life, he doesn't hide from you because he is not afraid of you and of feeling judged by you. You feel the charm of a man very strongly in his being caressed, more than in his caressing, in his sharing even the most intimate aspects of his life with you, in his not judging you, in his making you understand that he loves you without telling you, in his trusting you. 

All this is not theory, but the synthesis of 18 years of shared life even without cohabitation. It was precisely the absence of external constraints that helped us stay together. The only reason for staying together was that we loved each other. When I was a boy I didn't know what to expect from life, but at 40 I can say that life has given me much more than I could have dreamed of, it has given me a companion, a friend, a lover who has made me happy. It wasn't all easy, but he never failed. I was lucky, I can't deny it, but I can tell you that I feel light and serene inside because I have found a man who fascinates me in the deepest sense.

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