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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-29-2020, 07:17 PM - Forum: Gays and sex - No Replies

Hi Project,
I'm 29 years old, until two years ago, in practice, I only thought about studying and I also got good results. Now I have a job that I wouldn't have dreamed of before, but only now I’m realizing that it’s a job very rewarding but also very stressing ad I would say destructive, It causes much anxiety and exposes to great risks. Even if you work from morning to night you have nevertheless to go through moments of great tension that I don't wish anyone, that’s why I’m concretely meditating to change my job choosing a new job less rewarding but also less stressing, because I don't want to risk dying young to run after money.
I don't like social life, I have very few friends, and this is obvious if you don't have time even to breathe. As for sex I confess that I’m a regular consumer of pornography, I don't feel addicted to pornography, but when there is absolutely nothing else and time is also very little, even pornography, which at least has the advantage of not transmitting diseases, is fine.
In all the pornography I have seen sex is a very simple thing, you are in front of the guy you like who is waiting for you. Sex comes as the most natural thing and everything happens without any problem, but the fact is that all this has nothing to do with reality.
More or less four months ago I fell in love with a guy, and I'm trying in every way to organize my work commitments in order to be able to stay with him at least a little, but courting a guy takes a lot of time, first there is the usual doubt whether he's gay or not, and here too it is enormously more complicated than how they present it in porn movies. The uncertainties as to whether he was gay or not were many and the questions I used to ask myself about him were exactly those he used to ask himself about me. I tried to send him messages that he could understand, messages that seemed easily understandable to me, but he didn’t understand anything.
There are a lot of complicated things: first you have to understand if you can trust that guy, and it’s very difficult. Then there is the whole phase of making him understand but without exaggerating, taking two steps forward and at least one step back to prepare for a strategic retreat if the conditions are not favorable, then, when you understand that he is interested, you begin to ask yourself: " Interested in what? Does he like me? Or perhaps he’s just looking for sex with me? Is he interested in sex only? Or is he looking for what I too am looking for, that is, a true loving each other?" We are a lot far off spontaneity!
And then you would like to know everything about him but you cannot ask him anything, you say that you want to leave him all his freedom but you jealousy drives you crazy, and in the end when there is a that little intimacy that could also lead to sex, then it’s really an anguish, and problems keep you awake at night: “To make the first move or to wait? A caress? A little kiss? A deep kiss?” You never know what to do. And then you can't run too much, you can't take on a priori roles, you have to try to understand what he's looking for.
When you understand that perhaps he could or would like to be with you, then the most embarrassing questions come: “Can I begin to touch him in a clearly sexual way or do I have to wait for him to do it? Does sex have to be done silently? And what if it happens that he sexually doesn’t inspire me? And what if it comes out that he's a strange guy and I regret immediately regret having started a story with him? What if he’s addicted to sex but only to that? That is, if he doesn't care about me but only about sex?"
Yesterday on a porn site I saw a video I liked very much, it had nothing of porn in the sense, let's say, classic, it was a film showing naked guys in non-sexual attitudes. Two handsome guys, but not too much, who stand together naked on the beach and then in the water of the sea, and then play with each other, make the fight, behave just like two kids playing. In short, it was a nice video: no sexual intercourse, but a lot of tenderness, I liked it.
I wondered why producers go on with so much pornography, where there is no tenderness, instead of doing videos of this kind. I think these videos would appeal to gays a lot.
I also saw another video, let's say, not typically porn, maybe it was a piece of a serious film that ended up on a porn site almost by mistake. There was a little sex, more suggested than seen, there was a little nakedness, but little, and then there were dialogues between the two guys. The video was from Latin America. One of the two guys tells the other his story and it was a story of poverty and abandonment and the other guy comes close to him and embraces him, but it was all very realistic, that is, it was a love story, not a porn video, I was moved, and I’m a guy who is not easily moved.
Why aren't videos of this kind collected instead of porn? Videos with a little sex, yes, a little nakedness but also a little love! I didn’t know that there were videos of this kind, I found them by pure chance, and it was a nice discovery because at some point classic porn becomes tiring, boring, it is always the same thing, there are no actors and characters, there is no story, speech is reduced to nonsense.
I also saw a third video on the same site and this time of classically porn there was practically nothing. There were two guys who were tempted by the idea of trying one with the other, but the video was focused on situations of embarrassment, stall, postponement, renunciation, hesitation, self-limitation, which are all things that you experience when you are really in love with a guy and you are afraid of losing him and you want to gain his trust, his respect, his affection. I saw myself in those scenes a lot. Obviously there is nothing easy!
In the past I have also seen gay movies, I mean non-porn movies. They are beautiful, but there is one thing that I don’t understand, or rather understand only partially: why don’t we ever talk about the story of a couple of guys but focusing our attention on them, that is, on the couple dynamics, those that matter most? Instead, we insist on the relationship with the outside world, with parents, with friends, with the homophobic social climate and so on. It's more a portrait of a social environment than a gay story. It’s true that gay guys can have the problem of coming out, of the relationship with their parents and everything else, but reducing the life of a gay guy, and even worst, of a gay couple, only to those things is as telling the story of a painter analyzing only the frames of his paintings completely neglecting the paintings themselves.
I have often dreamed of being a director of gay films (porn and non-porn), because everything can be done more or less artistically, and I think I could do my work quite well, with few but very clear rules. First of all, only one topic that concerns the gay couple, therefore I would eliminate at the outset any claim to tell the whole life of a gay or a long period of the life of a gay. Much better to focus only on a theme or only on a moment of life and that theme must be "normal", that is, it must be as least strange as possible. Unlikely stories, fantasy ones and those too much intertwined with other themes should be discarded a priori.
Secondly, the narration must be slow, through images, completely eliminating the banal and filling speeches, otherwise the film becomes a soap opera. The viewer must have the opportunity to become attached to the characters, to enter their psychology, to understand them. Words must be few and important and must end up printed in the viewer's mind. The filling chatter must be completely eliminated. The shots and atmospheres can help a lot, but they must be centered on the characters, who must be shown closely in the moments of their emotional reactions. Now I’m digressing a little too much, but you'll forgive me for this.
Then there is the problem of the subject and here I would make a very personal choice, because this is what interests me most. No very young guys who have yet to understand what it means to live a gay life and no depressed and disappointed elderly, I would like a story between thirty-year-olds who have no serious collateral problems, that is, who work, who live on their own, who have few relationships with their families of origin. I would take all previous classic gay experiences for granted.
I asked myself several times how I would choose the actors. I myself, when I go to see a movie, I’m not at all indifferent to whether or not the actor embodies my type of ideal guy, in fact I would say that it’s a very important thing. There is an element that makes me an actor particularly interesting and it is his way of smiling. I think I would choose the protagonists mainly on the basis of their way of smiling, their way of showing sweetness, tenderness.
Sometimes, reading some stories of the guys from Gay Project, I thought I would have liked to make a movie about those stories. Gay Project has become somewhat of a mine of possible gay-themed movie subjects.
End of the e-mail! It was a digression on my improbable director dreams. Thanks for listening to me. Obviously do whatever you want with the email.
Best wishes.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-25-2020, 11:05 AM - Forum: Coming out - No Replies

Hi Project,
your site was recommended to me by a friend whom I respect very much and I went to have a look, in truth I had already heard of it but had never opened it. The forum is huge and very interesting but it is basically a monument to another era, now it is practically abandoned or almost. I like to read many different posts coming from people who think in various ways, on the forum there was a lot of such posts, but now there is nothing similar. Have you ever wondered why it ended up like this? I'm old now and I don't really feel like the most suitable person to preach to the boys, when I was young I couldn't stand old people who chatted too much, but now the boys are not in the least interested in your Project, they have other means to stay in touch with each other. 

The emails they send you are not really a cross-section of the gay reality, they come from people who in their way are aligned with the model of the Project, and so a small group of right-thinking people, let's say so, gathered, who sing and play whatever they like but are always among themselves. There are no dissonant voices, basically you don’t receive criticism and here I can enter the scene, because I come from gay experiences completely different from those of the Project. 

First of all I’m an openly out gay man, but people, given my age, over 65, don’t get upset too much, they don’t think that I’m gay, but that I have been gay in other years and then I ended up in the twilight of sex and instead it is not so. Project, I read your post on “gays and time”, well it smells of depression, you have to wake up. Why do you think there is an age beyond which it is not appropriate to have a partner? I have a partner, we often fight but then we make peace, we are two old men who fought their battles on the streets, even going to the pride half naked when we were already old. 

Yes, there is homophobia, I know it well too, but I don't like to think that it could prevail and that boys must be afraid of it, my partner and I have fought for this and continue to fight even now. I don’t think at all that closeted gay guys "don’t have the balls", to use your expression, I understand that in some cases it is very difficult, but if you don’t start to break the most deeply rooted and absurd social beliefs, they will tear us to pieces or will force us to bury us in the catacombs. I have lived in gay militancy for years, I organized clubs and groups and tried to avoid any selection, I tried to take everyone in. Sometimes behaving irresponsible they even messed me up. Many used to come to meetings just to look for someone to have sex with, that's it, Project, but there's nothing wrong with that. 

If you really want to be useful to something, you have to get out of the hole, you have to throw yourself into the fray, you are an intelligent man but you are afraid, and therefore you are yourself but only halfway, you start with the brake applied and stop yourself almost immediately. I too know a lot of gay boys but they are boys of another gender, a kind that you probably consciously or unconsciously kept away from. But do you know how much adrenaline unleashes going to the pride together with hundreds and hundreds of people who "openly" claim their identity? 

I never told the boys they had to come out but I certainly didn't discourage them. Project, you call it prudence but it seems like fear to me, and you shouldn't be afraid of anyone. Don’t think that openly gay guys and those closeted are two distinct worlds because it’s not so. Openly gay guys aren’t sexually ill persons, they need love like everyone else! I’m not saying that openly gay guys are better but only that they are not another planet. Of course they think in another way, they have other problems because they have made a different life, certainly freer and somehow more risky. 

There isn't, or better, here I agree with you, there should be no pride of being an openly gay guy, maybe that pride still exists but we have to overcome it, but rest assured that there isn't any pride in this email, I respect your work, for heaven's sake! But let's not make the war between gays, let's not segregate each other, let's try to understand each other's world, because seen from close up it's the same world. Go ahead with what you are doing but, please don’t be afraid and don’t raise fences.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-24-2020, 01:23 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Hi Project, 

It’s since October 7th, 2019 that I had decided to write to you, I wrote drafts of emails that slowly became a kind of diary, to keep track of what was happening, but then I didn’t send you anything, now instead I’m sending you this diary, if I can call it so, because the situation has defined itself and I think it's important.
October 7th, 2019, Monday.
Dear Project, today I’m very nervous and I cannot let off steam with anyone. I don't know if you remember "XY33", I wrote to you almost a year ago and you replied telling me things that have been really useful to me, we also got in touch on skype, but then I didn't keep in touch anymore because, let's say so, I was able to continue walking alone, but today I'm furious, I'm angry, aggressive, near to explode. I work in a public office at a good level and I say it with pride because I'm an executive and being in a job like mine at my age is certainly not a common thing!  Where I work there are many people and unfortunately there is also a lot of hierarchy. 

My boss, who is someone who really matters at the political level, doesn’t want to do anything, or better he isn't able to do anything, he's always on the phone chatting about his personal problems and always downloads his work problems on us. Two or three of my colleagues (female colleagues) do twice the work they should do, because they also do the job of the boss who basically does nothing at all: he signs without reading and then when a mess breaks out he screams like a madman, but all this, if we want, is ordinary administration, more or less all the bosses do it with their subordinates. This is the common practice, I had to get used to it, but today I’m furious for another reason. This piece of shit, speaking with the two boot-lickers (the ladies who do his job in his place), allowed himself to do my caricature claiming that according to him I’m a "fagot", the ladies then told me everything, but if I asked them to testify what they said to me, I'm sure they wouldn't and they would deny everything.

There is a total omerta in the office. I have no relationship with the boss, although I should, in practice I only see him on television, when he acts like the first actor, and there he plays his role very well and manages to make fun of those who don’t know him and anyhow he would never have bothered to talk to me and even less, I think, he would have bothered to make fun of me, and just because of that I even had the doubt that the two boot-lickers (just to say the least!), I mean the two witches, had really invented all.

I really can’t imagine him while he imitates my gait and makes fun of me in such a vulgar way. I really can’t imagine such a thing. He’s an asshole no doubt, it can be taken for granted, but to imitate my gait he should know who I am and he must have seen me several times, but nothing like this has ever happened. Damn! ... I guess they were screwing me! Because there is also a ruthless careerism between us and every system is good for killing me. Did you understand the two witches? They wanted to put me against the boss, so they would have fun like two geese (which is who they are!). 

They would have enjoyed a lot seeing me torn to pieces by my boss and with this elegant ploy they would easily take me out of the circle of those who can make a career! You have to keep in mind that in the moments when I was most angry, I was about to go to the boss to vent even at the risk of losing my job, luckily I didn’t do it and thought to send you this email. In fact what they told me doesn't make sense! It just doesn't make any sense! That's why they raised the tone when they told me about it. It's okay that only they can go to the boss, but what I know about the boss is only what “they” told me ... Project, I think I was going to make a huge mistake.
October 14th, 2019.

Hi Project, I will attach a copy of the previous email (which I didn’t send you) and now I continue the story here. For the whole week I studied the behavior of the two vipers and there are many things that sound very strange to me. They are always by the boss. Always no, but often yes, so why when they talk about him separately with other colleagues they say and repeat in all ways that he’s an "asshole" and other similar epithets? If he's really what you say, why are you going there? Project, I have to understand how things really are. Is the boss an asshole? Ok, and you, then, who only talk about him with slimy contempt, what are you? You are worse than him because you keep one foot in two shoes and play the double game!
October 15th, 2019.

This morning the two vipers are back in the office with the story that the boss makes my imitation and I lost my patience and pretended to get angry and then to go to the boss to express all my irritation and ask him for explanations. I went to the boss but brought with me a folder of documents on which I needed clarifications, however the boss was not there and I asked for an appointment. Just before noon his secretary calls me and I go to talk to him with my papers hidden under my jacket. I go in, it's him, "the asshole!" He gets up to shake hands and makes me sit not in front of the desk but in the little sitting room nearby. To begin he asks me who I am, a clear evidence that he doesn’t know me, I explain it to him and then I move on to the concrete problem, showing the documents I have with me. He listens to me, then he quotes me an article from the last financial law, he tells me to go to the desk, he looks for and finds two recent court rulings of the Council of State and says: "I think we should operate this way, what do you think about?" I look at him in admiration and say to him: "I don't think there are more doubts!" He replies: "You have done well to raise the problem, please write an internal circular and bring it to me and I will sign it and the circular will be sent to the offices." Then we shake hands and he accompanies me to the door. 

In short, Project, this would be the "piece of shit", the one who does nothing from morning to night and makes fun of me imitating my gait! Now the game of the two vipers is clear. I go back to the office and "I don't want to talk to anyone" (clearly I'm acting), the two vipers must think that the boss has destroyed me, but I have to prepare the circular to bring to the boss and I can't waste time. In less than an hour the circular is ready, I call back the boss's secretary who tells me that the boss is waiting for me. I go there without saying anything to anyone, I give the circular to the boss, he says to me: "Put your initials on it, then I'll countersign it, the responsibility is mine, but you did the job." I add my initials and he countersigns and gives the text to the secretary, then he takes leave of me and says: "Thanks, you did a good job and did it immediately!" I go back to my office and try to be dark in the face. The younger viper wants to know what happened but I send her away rudely, almost shouting, saying I don't want to see anyone!
October 16th, 2019.

The circular arrives in the Office, I don't say a word, it ends up in the hands of the old viper who grimaces with his mouth, my initials on the circular, in place of hers, have particularly bothered her, so she decides not to speak to me anymore, what I don't mind at all, I took my revenge!
October 24th, 2019, Thursday.

Dear Project, the story is not over, there have been further evolutions. The boss values me a lot and asked me to do some research to clarify some points that seem very obscure. Practically every day I go to him to show him what I found or rebuilt and we talk about it together. He’s certainly 100% straight. While we were talking, his wife called him and when he was talking on the phone with his wife he was smiling. I made the gesture of getting up to go and wait outside to let him speak with due privacy, but he motioned me to stay and at the end he said to me: “If I didn't have my wife I would be buried under an avalanche of documents!" and smiled. Then I went away. Now the vipers are hardly seen around the boss’s office!
October 25th, 2019, Friday.

Today an elderly colleague, who will retire in a month and who is therefore not interested in social climbing, told me that the two vipers say that I’m a "fagot" and that now I’m courting my boss who he too is a "fagot"! To which I replied: "Of course being a spinster at fifty must be ugly!" and he laughed.
November 14th, 2019, Thursday

Everything is fine with the boss, but this is not what I would like to talk to you about, now I have to tell you a lot of things about something that is really changing my life. A new guy was to arrive at the office and the boss entrusted him to me for orientation and training in service, previously this task was the exclusive prerogative of the two vipers but this time they remained dry-mouthed. A couple of days later the new guy shows up, he's a beautiful guy in his early thirties, I'm 34! They told him I would be his tutor and he seemed happy with that. I infer from his resume that he is not married and has no children, but there are no other personal informations that might be interesting from my point of view me. 

His name is Luke, he is tall, blond, blue-eyed, he has a sexy voice like an actor of first order and he also has two fundamental and very rare characteristics, he is truly intelligent and he wants to work. Everything is fine with Luke, I feel very at ease with him, in short between us a perfect understanding has been created. After ten days he’s already very quick in work and competent in research on the repertoires of laws and judgments of the judiciary. Then I make up my mind to go and present him at the boss, who speaks very well about me and encourages him. From here on in the office everything is booming. Luke doesn't need any further training, he can do his job very well on his own and much better than me, even if it doesn't take much to do better than me. 

These are, let's say, the working aspects of my relationship with Luke, but beyond of all this, as you can imagine, there is everything else. I practically fell in love with Luke and I also have to be very careful at work so as not to elicit too much attention, I have to keep him at a distance and I have to limit contacts with him to the bare minimum. We never go out together, he goes out first, I see him walking away from the window and five minutes later I go out. Even if he were straight, what is obviously very probable, it would be "anyhow" a good friendship. Evidently in saying so I mean that I could appreciate Luke, at the limit, "also" as a friend, but I hope with all my might that he is gay.
December 3th,  2019, Tuesday.

I guess I dreamed too much! I’m very downcast. I feel like a total moron. Today, when he came out, there was a girl down waiting for him and they embraced and kissed. It was far away and I can't say if they kissed like friends or like lovers, but would a girl come and wait for a gay guy to leave work? No! Definitely no! So, dear Luke, goodbye! Our story is over and I go back to the usual melancholy. You could have been at least less handsome, less intelligent, less charming, at least I would have felt less frustrated, but no! Beautiful, intelligent, charming and STRAIGHT! Yet it had seemed to me that between us words where not needed, otherwise what is your intelligence for? I thought that you had understood everything, I even thought of asking you to meet after work, to go to dinner together, to spend a Sunday together and instead you stay with your girlfriend and you haven't even noticed me. Gay dreams vanished as clouds in the wind! I learned a very hard lesson! Goodbye, Luke, I hope you can live a happy life!
December 4th, 2019, Wednesday. 

Hi, Project, I'm confused, very confused. At 8.30 this morning Luke comes to my office (he never does such things!) And tells me that yesterday he would have liked to talk to me (I don't understand if about work problems or something else) then he continues almost casually: “but since there was a female friend waiting for me on the square I had to go away immediately." He had to talk to me? And what would he have told me? At the moment we have no work problems in common and then why give me explanations and tell me that there was a "female friend" waiting for him? But he said "a female friend", he didn't say she was "just a female friend"... Friend - girlfriend the two words sound quite similar but as for the meaning there is a big difference! In short, we agree that we will meet today at the exit, even if not right in front of the offices, but in a place that is on the opposit side from where the two vipers pass. 

I work not to think about what will happen at the exit, I have to be careful not to build castles in the air, however, as the exit time approaches, I feel more and more agitated. Half an hour before the exit, the boss's secretary calls me and tells me that the boss wants to see me, I go but the boss is in a meeting. I hope with all my strength that he will free himself immediately and tell me why he made me call because I don't want to leave Luke waiting for me, I could warn him with a text message but it would sound strange. Five minutes before the exit I decide and send the text message "Everything postponed, I'm sorry, I'm by the boss, he called me." At that moment I would have killed my boss. However, I could only wait. He lets me in after almost half an hour, after six politicians of those I've seen on TV come out of his office. He is very agitated. I dare not ask him what happened. 

As usually he makes me sit in the sitting room, he lets out a big sigh and then comes to the point and tells me that he thinks that there have been irregularities in some very important procedures and that he needs to check but cannot trust anyone, because there are spreading rumors about his office that have come to politicians and it is necessary to understand if the irregularities have occurred, and if there have been, of what extent and who made them. This is very important because if you understand all these things you can also get to understand who started the gossip. In short, the boss asks me to work in a separate room of his office, with his access codes to the information system (he will not let me know them, this is obvious, but he will access the services with his credentials and then I will be working on the system to find informations). I tell him it's okay, we shake hands, then, opening the door and he says: “We start tomorrow morning, ok? I recommend, maximum confidentiality." I nod my head and add: "You can take it for granted!" and I go away. 

But I’m not thinking about the boss or the possible cheating or gossip, I’m thinking only of Luke, I go running to the appointment place but Luke is not there, I feel discomforted, invaded by a black sadness, I send him an text message to apologize and I he replies: "Wait for me, I'm coming in a minute, I'm at the bar around the corner, I've been waiting for you." This answer makes me change mood, I just didn't expect it. He arrives after less than a minute, really beautiful as a god and asks me what the boss wanted, I downplay and concentrate on the fact that I was only sorry to make him wait and I was afraid that he would go away. I think I ask him how his female friend is, but I immediately remove this stupid thought. He tells me “What about eating something together?” The answer is obvious, it is late but there is a place where many tourists go which is open until early afternoon. There are people, too many people, there is not a minimum of privacy, an hour later we are out of the restaurant. 

I would like to ask him what he wanted to talk to me about, but I don't, I wait for him to make the first move and after a while he does it. He says to me: “I wanted to talk to you, but I think there is no need because from so many small things I realized you understood. What do I have to do?" I tell him: "I feel very happy and there is no need for any speech." Soon after, a terrible embarrassment took over, a mixture of anxiety and fear of having misunderstood, the speech had been very allusive but basically vague. An explicit speech would have been much more difficult but would have dispelled all the mists. I couldn't go on not even with the shadow of uncertainty and so this time I took the substantial step forward and asked him: "How did you understand that I fell in love with you?" and he replies: "Well, somehow a gay radar does exist!" After these words the state of happiness both his and mine was evident, we walked on foot until late in the night, and it was freezing cold! Then we said goodbye with a hug (the first hug with Luke!).
January 4th, 2020.

Dear Project, I have been with Luke for a month, it’s a beautiful but very complicated thing, we have a thousand problems. Our relationship is very tender. Luke has a lot of attention for me, we talk a lot, he told me his previous stories, absolutely nothing heterosexual, only two boys whom he then lost sight of, with the first perhaps he was in love, but he was not really in love with Luke and found another guy. With the second there were only a few days of sex, then it all ended because of mutual disinterest. I told him about my stories of ten years ago with one who then found something better and left after less than a month.
March 21th,  2020.
Between me and Luke there is a lot of embarrassment when we talk about sex, not when we talk about the sex that there has been before but when we talk about the sex we are supposed to have between us and on the other hand we only talk about it by phone because now we have to be isolated (because there is the Covid-19). Today he said to me: "How about we both get tested for sexually transmitted diseases?" I said yes, because his proposal was essentially also a sexual proposal, but who knows when it will be possible and therefore between us, at least now, no sex at all. Cuddling yes, and on the phone only, but nothing too much sexual. I had thought of propose him to use the cam, but it seemed like a bad idea. I'll wait! Obviously I masturbate thinking only of him and he probably does the same but this is a taboo topic and we never talk about it! You don't imagine how conditioned and anxious I feel, these long waits are unnerving and anyhow we have to do the test first, we just can't do without it.
May 5th, 2020.

We booked the HIV test, obviously we did it in the same institution but separately so as not to be labeled! Think how far paranoia goes! They gave us an appointment for June 5th and another month will pass by. I talk to Luke on Skype every evening for a couple of hours and I’m alwais admiring him because he’s really beautiful, it’s not me the one who is out of mind, it’s he who is beautiful! Now we are less clumsy and we talk about everything also about sex and masturbation even if we still talk about it "in general".
May 22th, 2020.

We ended up to have sex on cam. No embarrassment! It was an overwhelming thing and then he’s beautiful there too and he lives sex spontaneously, laughing, joking and above all participating in a very strong way. If I’m so involved on cam I imagine what it will be when we will do it in person. June 5th is near, but we still have 13 days left, I just hope they don't close everything again, otherwise this time too everything ends up in nothing . Now our speeches are finally explicitly sexual and without any embarrassment and I’m happy because before I was afraid he wasn't really 100% involved, but now this doubt has completely dissolved.
End of quotes! Now I will send you the email, then maybe I will send you another one after June 5th.
If you want, you can publish everything, because it seems to me that there are no references to sensitive elements in relation to privacy. I modified some things related to work environment and anyhow everything is quite vague, even if the atmospheres are exactly those.
I embrace you and hope to hear from you soon.


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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-22-2020, 01:53 PM - Forum: Gay orientation - No Replies

Hi Project, 
a few days ago, surfing the net, I found your forum and started reading. I must say that I was very impressed because there are no obvious things. I begin to read a story or an email and I imagine an ending a bit like in a porn video, but then the story doesn't work at all like that at all. Above all there is one thing that strikes me, there is also sex, but all in all it does not have a dominant position, it is not an obsessive idea, there is sex, it is important, but there are also feelings. Reading such things pleases me because I feel at home in them and I identify myself with some of the protagonists.
Let's talk a little about me. I’m 24 years old, I’m about to get my Master Degree and I feel realized from this point of view. I'm passionate about my studies which are not at all heavy for me, because I study things that I want to study. My family is not bad, my father is almost 60 years old, he has always tried to give me maximum autonomy, perhaps precisely because he knows that I would not abuse his trust, I have never been able to understand him, he treats me affectionately but I realize that I'm probably a concern for him, even if I don't understand why, since I never had problems with studying and I think that afterwards I won't even have problems finding work. I will come back later to this point because it is important, that is, it is important to me.
My mother is not yet 50 years old, she feels a beautiful woman and in the end she is. I see her as very calm and even absent-minded when it comes to me and my situation, a bit the opposite of my father, that is, she sees me as someone who will never have problems and who is going on very well. Then there would be my sister, who is 28 years old and who got married six years ago. There was never a real relationship with her, that is, we never spoke with an open heart and she was not substantially interested in my life.
You may have wondered why I didn't say "I'm gay" up to this point. Here, in reality, even if it is absurd at the age of 24, I still have many doubts, or rather I have no doubts but I find myself living a very particular situation. I have a girlfriend since I was 18, and she 15, I will call her Mary. I have to try to make you understand the meaning of our relationship because it is more complicated than it may seem from outside. I’m fine with Mary, that is, I love her, she’s a very good girl and she loves me too, but she’s very different from the other girls and perhaps for this reason I really love her. We have been together for almost 6 years and have never had sex and not even things that vaguely resemble sex. She never asked me and never made me understand that she needs also sexual involvement.
Some things are paradoxical: in public she’s very loose with me, kisses me on the mouth, caresses me, but when we are alone (which also happens rarely) there is none of this. Basically this is the reason why we stay together: I don't feel cornered, for me, in essence she is a friend, a true friend but nothing else, that is, she’s not my girlfriend in the sense that guys generally give this expression, and there is also another reason, she not only doesn’t put me in a tight spot in order to induce me to have sex but when we talk, and at least we talk a lot on the phone, she never asks me for explanations, that is, she accepts our relationship as it is, without asking me and without asking herself questions of any kind. If we don't meet on a Saturday, I just need to say that I can't and she won't even ask me why.
I want to emphasize that she considers me an important person. Last year I went to the hospital for a small surgery and she came to all the relatives' visits and she didn't miss the visit a single time, she did it also because my parents were there and she had to play the role of the official girlfriend, but if my parents weren't there, she would have come all the same.
Project, I asked myself many questions about Mary, but I should have asked her those questions, but as she has always respected my privacy, so I too have always respected hers and I know very well that I must not pester her and I must not meddle in her things.
Now I go back to my father. I think he’s worried because, despite Mary's efforts to do her best  as girlfriend, my father begins to suspect that there is something strange about our engagement. We meet but it is clear that there is not all the involvement that should be there. I suspect that my father blames Mary for all this, that in essence he accuses her of being cold and detached, almost of playing the role of the girlfriend at best but not feeling in that role at all.
My father thinks that the relationship with Mary makes me suffer but it is not at all like that, indeed the relationship with her calms me down, gives me serenity. In fact, my relationship with Mary is out of all the rules, she never talks about marriage and on the contrary in the speeches that are made with friends she has said many times that marriage is not needed if you love each other and it is a slavery in any other situation.
And now something about me. I know I've always been gay, I've never had sexual interests for a woman, yet, I will tell you, Project, I think that living with Mary would be good and I never thought the same thing of a boy. We could be a couple without sex and at best with a little pampering, but sometimes I think that she would never accept a "bond" with me.
I want to be explicit. All the other women don't interest me at all, but Mary does, that is, it makes me tenderness, apart from the fact that I always wonder what is behind her behavior. I thought that she could be a lesbian, and she really could be, and the fact that she never spoke of such a possibility avoiding even the slightest hints, certainly does not eliminate suspicions, because I too have never spoken to her about my homosexuality. But not having talked about it, after all, is not a reticent behavior, that is, it is not a deception, we know very well that each of us has a private life and that that private life must be respected.
On the gay side, so far, I have never had a story or anything similar to a story. I have a lot of fantasies and I go on with those and with some porn. Today as today the relationship with Mary doesn’t complicate anything for me, but what if I find a guy? I don't know what could happen. I think that for Mary practically nothing would change and that maybe she would be happy too, the fact is that having a boyfriend is not compatible with having a girlfriend who has known your family for years. And then how could I tell my father that I'm gay?
Mary also gave me a strange speech, she told me that if today or tomorrow our relationship ends, she would absolutely not make it a tragedy, we could remain friends as well and she said it with full conviction. I mean, Project, I like this girl. Sex has nothing to do with it, but I like her because she thinks like me, and between us, unlike what my father thinks, there is a practically perfect harmony. Project, I’m not cheating Mary and she’s not cheating me. Asking for explanations seems clearly out of place because I also don't want to give explanations and then I believe there is no need for explanations. Even with my father I think it will go on like this. I don't see any need to clarify. Then, if I would happen to find a boyfriend, then I will ask myself a lot of questions, but now, in my opinion, things must go on like this. What do you think about it?
p.s.: If you want to publish this email do it freely. I have changed something of the details but the story in substance is that.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-20-2020, 01:50 PM - Forum: Gay orientation - No Replies

In the career of an athlete, sooner or later the time comes to choose the day on which he will have to withdraw from competitive activity. Some argue that the ideal time to retire coincides with that of maximum success, others have different opinions, but the fact remains that if the time to retire is too much postponed, the athlete ends up being considered a survivor and, in practice, a caricature of what he was in better times.
In the life of ordinary people there are many moments of choice and each of them marks the transition to a further phase, if we want more mature and more aware, but from which there is no going back. Obviously "there is a time for everything" and this also applies to gays. There is a time to understand that you are gay and one to accept it, there is a time to fall in love and a time to be indifferent, a time to long for a partner and a time to long for solitude, a time to hope, a time to get busy and a time to forget. Time limits are generally elastic but cannot be postponed indefinitely. This means that they are choices that must in any case take place and that only the determination of when is left to us, and many times with very strong restrictions.
The time limits within which to make a choice or behave in a particular way are defined with two different criteria, that of possibility and that of opportunity. Both, despite appearances and with a few exceptions, are very nuanced criteria. The possibility is defined by physical or legal parameters: you cannot choose to civilly join another person before the age of 18, because law doesn’t allow it, and you cannot decide to retire at any age, because law sets precise deadlines, but you cannot even think of bringing help to a person who needs it when you are no longer in suitable physical condition to do so. The criteria of necessity, although sometimes even very elastic, have an intrinsic cogency, in the sense that if it is true that something can become increasingly difficult over time, without any theoretical limit, it is true, that after a certain time that “something” will become so difficult as to be in fact impossible.
The opportunity is something radically different from the possibility, it is a social criterion and is therefore questionable, as in the case of this statement: "It is appropriate to start a coexistence when you are between 23 and 35 years old!" In this case "appropriate" means socially accepted and nothing more, which means that making the choice of coexistence beyond certain time limits exposes to social discredit for failure to comply with the social rules of opportunity, but nothing prevents that coexistence can begin at any age.
So far I have talked about possible and opportune choices, which are in any case choices, that is voluntary and conscious acts, but the problem of "time" sometimes arises even in a very heavy way in relation to the acceptance of inevitable things such as disease and death itself, realities that induce defensive behaviors, aimed at denying the problem or relegating it to a future to which we try in every way to give the halo of uncertain and hypothetical.
I don’t intend here to address universal problems such as that of the acceptance of death, on which too much has been written, but I would rather focus on the problems related to the choice of times by gays in issues that are typical of gays. Among these problems there is the choice of the time of coming out. It is true that coming out is not an obligatory choice and therefore the full determination of whether or not to come out is left to our freedom, but certainly coming out at 15, 25, 50 or 80 has very different meanings and purposes, that is the time, in this case, qualifies the action in a substantial way.
Among the problems connected to the better times for the "forced" choices, there are those related to attitudes and behaviors that undergo an inevitable deterioration connected to the passage of time. It is not said that you have to live as a couple, you can also live as a single and, at least in theory, there is no time limit to start a couple life, but on the other hand, if the couple life must really be a couple life and not a substitute for a mutual assistance relationship, there are certainly times "within which" that choice must be made. Also in this case, going to live with your partner at 20, 40, 60 or 80 has very different meanings and purposes.
When we talk about gays in general we mean referring to a particular subset of gays and that is to say young gays, and we identify as classic gay problems the discovery of being gay, the acceptance of being gay, the coming out, the looking for a partner and the building a couple's life or friendships within which to live one's own affectivity-sexuality. All these things, as it is easy to notice, refer mainly to young gays, but identifying gays with gay boys who go to the disco on Saturday night means forgetting that being gay is a fact that pervades the entire life of an individual up to at its end. Nobody talks about middle-aged gays (50 years old) or sick ones, or old ones who end up in nursing homes. They too were young, certainly in other periods, and then they grew old, but they are still gay.
The dimension of flowing time is often neglected or forgotten even in the use of words and we sometimes refer to one's age group as if it were something stable and not something subject to change due to the passage of time. Young people reason as if the category of "young" were their stable characteristic, forgetting that they are young "now" but they will no longer be in twenty years and old men try to evade the evidence that they are old "now" but in twenty years, and perhaps much earlier, they simply will no longer exist.
A gay man, like any human person, follows a parable from birth to death. The acceptance of homosexuality or the coming out or the search for a partner are classic gay problems which are either exclusively gay, like the acceptance of homosexuality and the coming out, or they are universal, like the search for a partner, but, for gays they take on a so particular and specific connotation that they become problems substantially different from those of hetero people.
I will now try to deal with three typically gay problems from the point of view of the times:
1) The acceptance of one's homosexuality
2) The coming out
3) The search for a partner
Let's start from the first topic.
To clear the field of possible misunderstandings, I must start by saying that I will only speak of guys who are properly homosexual, not bisexual. Acceptance is not in itself a problem, because experience teaches that in environments where there is no homophobia and there is a correct sex education (as in Scandinavian countries), the acceptance of homosexuality by boys coincides with puberty. Genital sexuality already has a homosexual connotation at its birth, the thing is not a taboo, it is possible to talk about it without problems in the family, with classmates and with friends of the same age or even adults without meeting questioning and perplexed looks. Summing up, in an atmosphere of this kind homosexuality is a normal fact and to say: "I’m gay" is not a problem, as it is not to say: "I’m straight". The two are both part of the domain of normalcy.
Of course, imagining a society without homophobia means thinking only based on theoretical concepts, however, there are societies that reflect that model quite faithfully and in which homophobic attitudes are objectively rare; and at the other end there are societies in which homophobia is instilled through religion and becomes a common cultural heritage and is sometimes even protected by law as a value capable of moralizing society.
May 17th is the world day against homo-, bi- and trans-phobia. This date was chosen because thirty years ago, on May 17, 1990, the World Health Organization finally removed homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses! Even today, despite repeated appeals coming from the European Parliament, there are countries within the European Union that don’t recognize any legal legitimacy for homosexual unions. In Italy civil unions between people of the same sex were introduced with the Cirinnà Law, Law 20 May 2016 n. 76. In some countries, such as Italy, there is no specific law for the suppression of homophobia, but outside Italy there is much worse, always in the European Union, in Hungary and Poland, levels of discrimination on a homophobic basis are widely covered and protected by law and institutions, but it is enough to look beyond the Atlantic to see, under the Trump presidency, the resurgence of homophobic attitudes, not only not repressed but encouraged and legally protected. In some Islamic countries homosexuality is still punished today with the death penalty, a death penalty which is in itself and in any case a sign of incivility. I remember incidentally that on November 30, 1786, 234 years ago, Pietro Leopoldo of Habsburg-Lorraine, Grand Duke of Tuscany, abolished the death penalty in his Grand Duchy without exception, paving the way for a modern criminal code. It was the first explicit abolition of the death penalty in the world. But let's get back to the topic. On the occasion of the world day against homophobia, the President of Italian Republic, Sergio Mattarella, took a very clear position stating that homophobia violates human rights whose respect is necessary for the full development of the personality. In essence, homophobia deprives homosexual people of the serenity necessary for the full development of their personality and compels them to stressful defensive behaviors that effectively limit their individual freedom.
In the various countries of the world homophobia manifests itself in various ways and degrees and consequently the acceptance of one's homosexuality becomes a more or less serious problem depending on the pressure that environmental homophobia is able to exert, such pressure can go from simple cancellation of any reference to homosexuality, up to violent bullying by the family itself and work colleagues and in some cases the consequences can be extreme, as it happens in the film "Viharsarok", a Hungarian film of 2014, released also in English with the title "Land of Storms", in which a gay guy suffers homophobic environmental violence, exercised on him in such a systematic and persecutory way, that to free himself from the induced "guilt feelings" related to homosexuality, he ends up to kill the his partner. In this case the murder, more than to the exasperated guy, it must be attributed to the environmental homophobia that led him to that extreme gesture. In situations such as those described in this film, accepting one's homosexuality is truly dramatic. But between the extreme levels of the radical absence of environmental homophobia and of the violent homophobic climate there is an infinite gradation of attitudes, more or less aggressive and more or less persecutory.
Becoming aware of one's homosexuality when homosexuality is openly subject to social discredit, because it is considered a psychiatric illness, a behavior against nature, a moral degeneration or a guilty "choice", is objectively difficult. It is not a matter of declaring yourself gay publicly but simply of accepting that you are who you are, but in order to accept that you are who you are, you must become aware of the absurdity of what is commonly told about homosexuality, therefore you must have access to objective information not spoiled by ideological prejudices and you must realize that, due to the effect of environmental homophobia, a gay guy will never be able to freely express his way of being and loving. But all this is not enough, because once you have acquired these awareness, sometimes the idea of having to integrate in any case into the world of others dramatically takes over. But for a gay guy this means forcing himself to live a fake hetero life, that is, forcing himself to play the role of a straight guy even through marriage, or simply to put aside sexuality altogether, perhaps sublimating it in work or in something so "high" that it appears worthy of such a sacrifice.
Those who live in Western European countries tend to give the word homophobia a reductive meaning, because they see homophobia as a fact "still present" and perhaps "still faintly present" but destined to disappear anyway and not as a distressing and heavily persecutory problem, as it is still today in many countries of the world. The problems of homosexuals do not come from homosexuality but from ignorance and prejudice and for this reason, the real solution to those problems consists in the diffusion of a free and honest culture able to provide gays with the indispensable tools to understand and judge consciously and in the same time to provide others the means to prevent homophobia, against which the only effective antidote is true culture, which undermines prejudices and accustoms the brain to think autonomously.
The time that elapses between puberty and the acceptance of one's homosexuality by a gay boy represents the measure of environmental homophobia which, of course, is far from uniform within a state and indeed has very strong local components, linked to individual communities and even to individual families. I would add that traditionally religions, and I would say above all the great monotheistic religions, have always been directly and indirectly among the main sources of inspiration for very deep homophobic sentiments.
In conclusion, the time of awareness is not in substance an autonomous individual characteristic, but is the result of the widespread cultural climate in which we find ourselves living.
What has been said about environmental homophobia in the previous section obviously also applies in relation to the problem of coming out. However, a clarification must be made: the problem of "coming out" is a problem that has arisen only in recent years. Already in my time, 50 years ago, the idea of coming out (I’m obviously speaking of public coming out) could have had some connotation of concreteness, perhaps, for some movie star or for some super-billionaire, but also in Western Europe, it didn't even touch the brains of gay boys, as today it doesn't even touch the brains of boys who live in Iran. Today, in Western Europe and in the USA, the idea of a coming out limited to a more or less restricted group of reliable people is much more common than the idea of a coming out without limitations. Still today the idea of public coming out is not taken seriously as a possible hypothesis by the great majority of gays, because the consequences of a public and generalized coming out can be and have been in fact disruptive even years later. In Italy, of course, there are no laws that discriminate against homosexuals, but homophobia exists all the same and is exercised in an undeclared but substantially effective way. To dismiss a gay employee, an employer can’t at all motivate the dismissal with the sexual orientation of the employee, he must be able to carry out targeted mobbing actions to obtain a "voluntary" resignation or may resort to disciplinary proceedings based on a real presumed fault of the employee. It is true that it is possible to appeal to the employment judge but it is expensive and in any case with an uncertain outcome and so homophobia, if properly hidden, can continue undisturbed to do its job.
In general, the coming out with close friends is today much more anticipated than in previous generations. Many youngsters already at 14-15 have confided their homosexuality to their most trusted friends, although the cases in which these confidences are delayed even by 5 or even 10 years are not uncommon. The specific environmental situations condition these postponements much more than general rules and prudence itself do.
Among the forms of restricted coming out, coming out with parents is of particular importance and has a rather characteristic timing. Given that coming out with parents is still an uncommon thing (3-4%), even if it is spreading, albeit in a very limited way and slowly over the years, I observe that or coming out with parents happens very early, between 14 and 16-17 years of age, or is postponed indefinitely, using a formula more or less like this: “I will only tell my parents about my homosexuality when I’m economically independent, because thus, if the climate were to become unlivable, I could permanently break up my family relationship." That this type of postponement is actually a definitive removal of the problem can clearly be deduced from the fact that no "coming out" with the parents follows the achievement of economic independence. The cases of coming out with parents of adult and cohabiting gay sons are very rare and in general they are the seal of a very rare dimension of respect and substantial family affection.
I come now to the last subject that I had proposed to face: the time of the search for a partner. Here it is not a question of carrying out an action in this or that moment or of reaching an awareness in tis or that moment, it's not question of defining the time of an action that is substantially "punctual" but of defining a period, normally very long, in which the research of a partner can materialize. The time of searching for a partner therefore has a beginning and an end, normally located in very distant phases of life. For a young man it makes sense to ask himself when it is possible or it is appropriate to look for a partner, for a mature man it makes sense to ask himself when it becomes impossible or at least inappropriate to look for a partner, obviously these are extremely different situations both of which are part of the gay dimension.
For a teenager, there is nothing more unwelcome than being told: “Wait! You have to grow up! Before making your choices you have to mature! " The word maturity has become so important that at least in Italy it has given its name to the exams that conclude high school. Before the high school final exam (“maturity exam”) all the choices are actually made by the parents, after the high school final exam there is the first real choice made by the boy, which is the choice of the university faculty. It is an extremely important choice that often young guys faced with the total unawareness that they are about to decide something fundamental for the future, in other words, such an important choice is made on the basis of the hearsay, without collecting serious information and often pursuing the intent to please the parents by adapting to their expectations. In other words, very often the choice of the university faculty is faced in a deeply immature way.
An adequate level of maturity is also required for the search for a partner, the phenomenon is not substantially different from the choice of university faculty. To look for a partner you should have a realistic idea of the true life of a couple of gay men and you should also understand why many gays don’t like the couple life, but not only, you should also know where to look for a serious partner and how to behave in the initial stages of a possible relationship, but also in looking for a partner guys rely on the hearsay and very often choices are made in an immature way. A serious sex education and a specific information on the true experiences of other gay guys would be very useful and would favor informed choices built on the basis of reliable data, but, at least in Italy, sex education, which until a few decades ago was in entrusted in fact only to the church, is now delegated, also this time “in fact”, only to pornography and dating sites. In such a situation it is inevitable that guys make immature choices and make mistakes of various kinds, which result in states of unease, intolerance and frustration.
Just as science proceeds by trial and error, also the acquisition of experience in the emotional and sexual field proceed by trial and error. If you learn from experience and don’t make the same mistakes again, then the experience makes you grow up and the vision of relational and couple problems becomes more and more mature. If, on the contrary, experience easily put aside and one enters a vicious circle within which the same mistakes are repeated, even if with different people, one never manages to accumulate an experience that allows conscious and mature choices.

The search for a partner is precisely a search and can end with the creation of a stable couple, or at least hypothetically stable at the beginning, but it can also lead to a long and more or less frustrating series of attempts that anyhow contribute to the maturation of an experience on the basis of which the criteria for continuing the research can be refined, expectations can be reduced and previous experiences can be differently assessed.

Among the many possible determinations to which the experience accumulated in the search for a partner can lead there is a very particular one which is the decision to end the search, because lowering expectations too much or waiting without any time limit for the arrival of the ideal partner means in essence trying to settle for something that will not be satisfactory anyway or wasting your time in an activity that is likely to not achieve any result. The conclusion of the speech can be summed up with the expression: “Enough! I can't waste years and years of my life running after dreams that probably will never come true!" Certainly, the affective-sexual life will continue anyhow, but as for the future at least the couple model of "two hearts and a hut" will be put aside. At what age does all this happen? First of all it should be clarified that this is not a formal decision taken in a precise moment but something that matures slowly over the years and gradually takes on greater concreteness. The heavier the series of frustrations we have faced, the faster we reach these decisions.

Let's admit that there has been someone who has accumulated few experiences and all in all just a little frustrating or who has perhaps accumulated many disappointing experiences but is animated by an indomitable enthusiasm, in such cases the decision to say "Enough!" it may not mature at all and, at least in theory, the search for a partner could go on without time limits. But the passage of time creates so profound physiological and psychological transformations that many of the motivations that had been the basis of the search for a partner in youthful years and also during maturity, become much less strong and fade away due to the passing of time. Sexual libido is no longer that of youth, the desire for novelty is clearly reduced, health is no longer something which can be taken for granted and any change in the pace of life becomes problematic. In essence, the problems of the couple life, in the individual balance, end up prevailing over the possible advantages. In this way the couple's life loses its charm and solitude becomes, for a few more years, the most accessible surrogate of bliss. All this obviously lasts as long as solitude remains in fact a manageable hypothesis, that is, as long as individual physical autonomy lasts.

I would like to close these reflections with a passage of an email I received about ten days ago from a thirty-two-year-old guy, that can help to understand a way of dealing with the search for a partner that is increasingly spreading today.

"... I had a lot of guys, they were good guys, but I wasn't in love with them, with some of them I tried to build something, but when the basic push is missing there is little to do, in the end you can't build anything. I also fell in love with some guys but they didn't care about me. I had a decent guy with whom I felt not so bad, although I wasn’t really well. With him, perhaps, I could have built something, but he was afraid of everything, he was hypochondriac, he was even afraid of touching me, and after a series of steps forward and backward he preferred to leave than to overcome his fears.
At the end of all these stories what's left? I lost years and years of my life and I realized that maybe being alone is not the worst solution in the end and then, I'm not alone, I don't have a boyfriend but I have many friends, I have a job that is not that great but at least it keeps me calm from that point of view. I don't know if there will ever be a guy for me, but I'm tired of thinking about these things! If that guy will come then I will think about him, but for me the time for chats and dating sites is really over."

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-16-2020, 03:02 PM - Forum: Gays and sex - No Replies

Hi Project,
I’m writing to you because in these days I’m having a thousand problems regarding sex with my partner. I’m 34 years old, he is 32, it must be said immediately that unfortunately we don’t live together because we work and live in cities about 200 km away, however, for years now, we have met in practice every weekend, once I go to him and once he comes to me. The fact of not living together is unfortunately a big limitation, we tried to look for a solution, somehow to change job or company, but it’s a very problematic thing and moving is practically impossible, we both know it, as we know that most likely such a situation will last for at least a few years. Between us there are no complaints about this fact because it is not anyone's fault and neither of us can give up his job, but of course being a couple of Sunday commuters, as you can easily understand, destabilizes a little.
Since I met him I found him basically quiet. He had had his stories and even complicated, but only mental and one-sided, he calls them "mental blowjobs", and probably he faced them by throwing himself in with his shoes on and finally getting nothing more than a series of cold showers. Before we met, he had only had sex with other guys on cam but never in person. So he had built pseudo-stories, all rigorously lasting no more than a month, but for him such stories were very important, probably because they were the first ones. It was never he the one who left a guy, but it was always his current boyfriend (let's call him so) who left him because guys felt him a little strange, let's say a little humoral, a little willing to do anything when he was in a good mood and a little depressed, and quite a lot, when he slipped in a bad mood, and above all because he wanted to feel free. Note, Project, that he only knew those guys through chats and some sex on cam. I don't know how he managed to give credit to such things, but for him they must have been anyhow very involving, and every time those stories ended he used to feel very bad, at least so he told me.
He has never been able to endure standard things, that is traditional couples, messages, birthday presents and things like that, and also with me the fact of having to make a trip every 15 days and seeing each other only on Saturdays and Sundays it’s something that he feels forced to accept, he says to me: "If I want to make love with you on Tuesday I have to wait until Saturday, but it's absurd!" If he is a little strange and humoral, and he really is, I have my shortcomings: I don't like unexpected program changes, I have to be able to plan my week, I'm a guy used to following my rhythms and habits and frankly I don't have much creative spirit. He’s a genius, he’s much more intelligent than me (and I’m happy that he is!) so much so that sometimes he puts me in crisis, but many times he underestimates himself a lot, he always thinks he’s below the others, he sees the other guys more beautiful, more smart, more confident, never depressed, never in a black mood, and all this puts him in a situation of discomfort. He has never considered himself a handsome guy and when I tell him that he is (and really he is), he looks at me with a puzzled and a little annoyed air, as if I were giving him a fake compliment. We love each other, but without constraints, obviously, otherwise he wouldn't be with me, I know he wants to be free and I never ask him questions. In the past he would tell me of the stories he had with certain guys, of course stories that were real just in his brain, now he doesn't tell me anything anymore and I believe he has no more stories. A few years ago he considered his job to be beyond his ability, now he is very busy in his job and he’s also highly esteemed, because his bosses begin to understand that, if they let him free, he is able to do things that few others would be able to realize or even think of. In short, I think that now his job takes up a lot of his time, after his job for him there is me, Saturday and Sunday in person and the other days for an hour via Skype. He is brusque with me, also a little aggressive, but only when he’s tired or stressed by work problems, it’s true that sometimes he treats me like a rag but then he regrets it and apologizes.
But now I come to the reason why I’m writing you this email. When we met he was 26 years old, he was the one to court me, I liked him very much, I considered him the most beautiful guy I had known, but I thought that a guy like him could not find anything interesting in me. At the beginning we talked a lot on the phone, even several hours in the day, then it was he who took the sexual initiative, something that I would have never expected, I certainly wanted it, but I didn't think it possible. It was the first time for him and for me. I was full of complexes, and in practice he did everything, he was patient, he put me at ease and slowly made me understand many things about sex. The best thing, when we had sex, was to see him play, joke, feel totally free, I cannot deny that all this dragged me into an environment of sexual spontaneity that I would never have thought possible before, but that with him was an absolutely natural thing. We used to speak and behave with each other with the utmost freedom and there was a practically perfect understanding, I can't say that there was total symmetry, because we had different ways of living sex but we were happy to be together, we needed nothing else. If I think about me, well, he really changed my life, he took me to another highly engaging dimension. At the time we weren't even afraid of HIV because neither he nor I had ever had relationships with anyone, and sex was really a way to let loose, more on his part than on my part, but he knew he was making me discover a new world and he respected my times, he tried to follow my rhythms, or at least to involve me in his, but in a very sweet and respectful way, yes “respectful” is the right adjective. I was very well with him, a few months before I thought that I would never have sex with anyone, and a few months later, in practice our meetings were centered on sex and I certainly don’t say so to diminish or devalue, because it was not stupid sex at all, we were in love and used to tell each other that we loved each other through sex above all. In short, the first times (even two or three years) we never had sexual problems of any kind. Little by little, a deeper mutual trust was added to sexual intercourse and he told me many things about himself, even of a very private and embarrassing type, in essence he trusted me and he thought of letting me enter his very private world. I think at first he expected a reaction from me similar to what other guys had in front of those speeches, then he realized that there was nothing to fear from my part. Once, a year ago, he told me something that upset me a lot, it sounded more or less like this: “I stay with you because you are a good person, because you respect me, you allow me to feel free, you don't judge me, I know that you love me, I don't know how, but you love me, I’m not in love with you but I’m fine with you, I feel safe, precisely because you love me. For you I have never had that very strong physical involvement that I have had for some other guys, it is a different thing, something quiet, you are not my lover, but you are a good man, and I trust you and until now I never regretted it. Maybe I'll fall in love with other guys and maybe I'll go with them, but I have to know that you are there and that if I needed you, you wouldn't leave me alone."
But let's get to the specific problem. A couple of years ago he had sexual relations with other guys, safe and protected sex only, as he told me, but, you know how it is, in short, after he told me it (we hadn't had sex for a couple of months) he asked me to make love to him and I told him that I didn't feel like having sex, but only because of the HIV risk. He initially didn't take it well, he acted like I was rejecting him, then he understood and agreed to take the test, which resulted negative, according to common sense I should have felt calm and reassured but nevertheless I had the same fear because he could have gone with another guys without telling me anything. I actually don't think he would have put me at risk, but, you know, these ideas are a bit like a worm that doesn't go out anymore when it enters your brain. He saw my embarrassment but tried to make me overcome my fears, while in the same time I was trying to reduce our sexual contacts to something that was just at minimal risk, if not zero. From this mechanism began the strange trend of our sexuality. He felt annoyed and somehow upset by my attitude, because, after all, he had done the test and it had resulted negative, and to think that he could have put me at risk without telling me it, was somehow a deep lack of trust in him, because, I’m convinced, he would never do such a thing. In short, an asymmetry started from there, let's call it so, he could do certain things to me that I didn't reciprocate on him and other things were not done at all, he tended to involve me more and more and I tended to keep myself within the boundaries of a very low risk. Then slowly he began to think that I had sex with him not for me but for him, as if it were an altruistic gesture, as if I did it out of pity for him. Such an idea is completely absurd, because I think of him very often in sexual terms and, during the week, when he is not there, I masturbate thinking about him. Note, Project, that since we started our relationship I have never fantasized about other guys. But he’s convinced that the fear of HIV is not the real reason for some of my reluctances. Before, when I went to him or he came to me, the first thing that happened was to go to the bedroom. Lunch could very well wait and so did all the rest and even the speeches, but it was obvious that sex, after a week that we had been apart, could not be postponed at all. Now it's not like that anymore, when we meet we start talking about this and that and even about stupid things, as if we were trying to waste time, I don't take the initiative neither does he, and he gets angry, he tells me that I’m a hypocrite, that I want him to always take the initiative, so that I can then give my consent like a grace, he tells me that this thing is making him angry because this script is repeated exactly in the same way too many times. I swear to you, Project, that I don't take the initiative just because I'm embarrassed and I don't have the slightest intention giving my consent like a grace, because in any case my consent is obvious. For the whole week I say to myself and I repeat that I have to take the initiative, then, when we are together I stop, I’m afraid that he will say no, that he will get angry because it is not the right time or for some other reason, or simply because maybe he’s stressed and would prefer to speak. He complains that I talk too much, that I act like a young girl full of complexes, that I use a too flirtatious and feminine language. He would like me to be at his level, very determined and above all much more interested in sex. In a way he doesn’t understand that I’m interested, but essentially because he is there, because if he were not there, sex for me would be a strictly individual thing and made above all, and perhaps completely, of fantasy and of much or more frustrated desires, as it was before I knew him.
Our problems are almost all in the starting phase of sex, which can be ruined by talking too much. I often try to bite my tongue and avoid speeches because I know he doesn't like them and I try to adopt adequate language and behavior. In practice I try to imitate his language and his behavior. He tells me that I look like an 18th-century valet and that he would like me to be "more man", an expression that I don't like at all. He tells me that with him I have to be spontaneous, I must take the liberty of doing anything, that I don't have to be "obsequious and clumsy" but that I have to wake up. More or less since Christmas, last year, every now and then, let's say more or less 30% of the time, it was possible to reach a mutual understanding like that of the early times, and it was a very beautiful thing, apart from sex, because he stopped attacking me with the usual speeches and with the usual emphasis and I was actually able to feel again that respect for me that had been the rule in the early years.
Then the story of the virus intervened which interrupted our travels on Saturdays and Sundays, and I could say that perhaps, at least until now, it was a positive thing because abstinence stimulates desire and then we tried to equip ourselves to do at least a bit of sex on cam, but something unexpected happened, we started talking a lot and it was fine, I mean it was fine for him too. Sex on cam wasn't a stupid thing at all because he was there. I can say that we had found a stable balance much more solid and less problematic than that of the Sunday trips.
In days, they say, we will probably be able to resume our travels and I don't know what to do, because resuming the meetings on Saturday and Sunday would probably take away from our relationship the strength of daily dialogue, and, let's face it, this would let emerge many sexual problems which are currently hidden or temporarily removed. I would like to propose him to interrupt our meetings, but be careful, interrupting our meetings does not mean diminishing or devaluating the relationship but exactly the opposite, anyhow I don't know how he could react to a similar proposal. I really don't want him to take it as a rejection of him as a person. I’m afraid that the mutual clarifications and embarrassments will start again and that the level of communication that had been reached in the period of social isolation will be lost. I think I will let him make all the choices he likes better and then I will adapt anyway, because if he didn't feel free he would be uncomfortable. He told me that he can't wait to see me, and I too really can't wait to embrace him again ... In short, I think we will go back to the previous standards and I like it because the real physical contact is another thing, but I fear that our beautiful hours of chat conversation will end up in nothing at all, I'm afraid he can start getting angry at me again, that he may misunderstand the fear of HIV, and now also of the covid; in short I'm afraid everything can go into crisis again. It is a very concrete danger or at least I feel it very concrete, until now the limits of our relationship came from the fact that it was not possible to circulate, but afterwards there will be limits that will be attributed only to me. He will try to make me go beyond those limits, I won't do it and things will fall apart again. I'm almost afraid to start again, I'm almost afraid of him and the fact that he will be disappointed, I come up to think that I made him lose the best years of his life and that basically I’m not able to love him. Sometimes I think that without sex everything would be better and that spontaneity fades over the years, I speak just for myself of course. What do you think about, Project?

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-11-2020, 12:20 AM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

Email dated March 13, 2020.
Hi Project,
I am writing to tell you my and my boyfriend's story in these terrible days of the virus. I can tell you that this thing, which risks becoming a worldwide disaster and which you would do well to try to contain by any means, has also involved my life and especially that of my boyfriend. I use invented names to respect privacy: I will be called Peter and Paul.
I start from afar. We have known each other for several years, I work in the IT field and he is a doctor. We have been together for more than 10 years, we met in a completely random way because we had friends in common. He lives in northern Italy and  I’m in central-south. In practice we have dreamed of living together for a long time but it has never been possible. He has family situations that don’t allow him to go too far, I could do it, I could go to him, but this would create other difficulties and therefore somehow we got organized, I don't work on Saturday, he had flexible shifts and had, on average, a free Saturday out of two, therefore, leaving my home on Friday after 20.00 and traveling all night, I usually was able to get where he lives early on Saturday morning, and he was there waiting for me at the station, we used to go together for breakfast in a beautiful bar and then drove to a small house that his parents had at the foot of the Alps, in a large meadow, which was often covered in snow in winter and in summer was of a unique and incredible green like an emerald, near the house there was a small fountain of cold and clean water, we unloaded our bags at home and walked around in beautiful places that he knew like his pockets, in the evening we could have our intimacy in an unimaginable silence. The following day we used to go on a few more excursions and then he used to take me back to town to the railway station where I had to take the train back home. It is true that we saw each other more or less twice a month and that in practice it was always me the one who had to take the train back and forth, but those Saturdays and Sundays were so wonderful that had the power to give sense to my whole life. Paul and I really love each other, I don't know how I happened to meet him but I consider myself totally lucky, he is a sweet, generous guy who works for others, when on Sunday mornings we go to have breakfast in the mountain village, they all embrace him very warmly and you can see that they love him. He tells me he is happy to be with me and when I hear him say these things I fill myself with pride.
But let's get to the facts. Now he is finished in the red zone. For practically a month I have only seen him on Skype, he works in the hospital and we only get in touch late at night when he comes home and contacts me. Since last year he lives alone, he is no longer with his family, even if he lives very close to them. He has his own house and when he arrives home very tired he starts chatting with me. He understands the seriousness of the situation, because he sees it every day and tells me that people don’t understand and minimize but that it is a disease which can decimate the world, but beyond these speeches he doesn’t go. I have a damned fear that Paul could become infected but I can't talk to him about it, he tells me that he doesn't want to hear those speeches and that he must do his duty because if even the doctors run away, sick people are left to themselves and they have no means to defend themselves. He always asks me about me, what I do, where I go, mutual friends but he doesn't want to talk about his work, he just avoids the topic, it is evident that he too is afraid but on one side he cannot be afraid and on the other he doesn’t want to give up. He only tells me that he is tired, that shifts are exhausting but that he must go on anyway because it is too important. Sometimes I feel him happy and he hints at something that has gone well. Paul is not a machine, he participates very emotionally in the fate of his patients. When there are new government decrees, we start reading them together to try to understand exactly all the rules they contain. If I mention that certain prevention measures can be excessive, he attacks me (albeit gently) and tells me that I don’t understand because I don't deal with those things and that certain measures are absolutely indispensable. He brings me China as an example, China risked disaster but with very rigid measures has managed to contain the infection. Here things are more difficult because among the people there is a lot of unconsciousness, a lot of foolishness, they think that the worst has already passed while it has yet to begin. He tells me that times will be longer than people imagine and he recommends me a thousand times to observe all the rules of prudence: “Wash your hands! Avoid crowd! etc. etc .”. When I told him that my company had started teleworking he calmed down. In fact, the work of a computer scientist can also be done at home or on platforms that allow multi-conferences, for us it is easy and we also have the means to do these things. Paul worries about me, but I worry about him and if in the evening he is late, I panic, but until now he has always come. He repeats that he is careful, of course, because he puts into practice all the security measures that in the hospital are very tight for doctors and nurses and this is the only way he has in order to reassure me.
In short, Project, so far for the two of us it has gone quite well, but nobody knows how long it will last and then we must put our soul in peace and hope that things will not become explosive and that he will not end up in the number of infected people or worse. There is a lot of anxiety on both sides but he cannot admit it.
Who knows how many couples have been divided by the virus! As I would like to hug Paul, now we only do the gesture on cam but sooner or later we will hug again and it will be beautiful. I conclude by wishing everyone involved to be able to get out of it as soon as possible and in the best possible way. Thanks also to you, Project, of course you can use this email as you like better.

Email dated March 24, 2020.

Hi Project.
I wrote to you a few days ago, I think you will remember Peter and Paul. I am writing to you in the long moments of emptiness when I cannot get in contact with Paul and I find myself alone to reflect on what is happening.
The general situation of the epidemic would let anyone to begin a rethinking of their whole life, for those who have lost parents or grandparents or other relatives or friends the situation is terrible, they see the plan of a life vanish in a few days, death upsets families in the more violent and unexpected way, but for me and Paul the situation is fortunately not so dramatic, I’m I am worried about him, I know he’s prudent and very scrupulous but very little is enough to make a difference.
As for me, certainly the least directly exposed, I began to question many of my certainties, I feel much more fragile than before, I’m devaluing a lot of things that I previously considered fundamental, such as economic security and a broad possibility to make my choices but I feel weak because I’m exposed to the risk of losing Paul and it would be a tragedy for me that I don't even dare to think about.
The father of one of my friend's died of the virus and two other friends of mine have a relative in the hospital. Many are afraid and try to keep going day by day as they can, because they must also work to survive. I work from home, I don't take serious risks, at least for the moment, but I’m worried about Paul, I think of him at all times of the day because he is right on the front line and I feel him exhausted from fatigue and downcast for what he has to see every day and that when he talks to me he systematically tries to omit.
I have always loved him, but seeing how he strives for the good of others to the point of exhaustion I begin to consider him as half a saint, and I think I will never be at his level. In these days he saw many people die, he tried to give them comfort as it was possible and as long as it was possible, but then he saw those people whom he had tried to save in any way die terribly. He tells me that for him now death is not only a daily reality but something he must see several times a day. When someone comes out of the intensive care ward, he feels happy and in fact sometimes it is almost a miracle.
He was even before an excellent, generous, selfless guy, but now I see him in a different atmosphere and, if possible, I love him even more than before, because I saw him at work, I saw his moral dimension. Yesterday he asked me to say a prayer for him, and I got scared and I asked him if he was positive and he said no, he asked me for a prayer to help him go all the way and not give up, he needed a greater strength, or better a consolation, I think, to be able to transmit it to all the people it tries to cure every day.
Today I tried to pray for him and I did it, but it’s something I never do, that’s why probably in my prayer there was something selfish, I prayed not to lose him, because for me he’s as essential as the light of the sun, but he had asked me for something different, that is, he asked me to pray for him to have the strength to go on. I know that he is taking serious risks and I’m very scared and it also seems right to me to ask the Lord not to take him away from me, even if we are a gay couple, because we really love each other.
Tonight I feel very agitated, sometimes at night I can't sleep, I miss him, I miss him damn but I know that he has his duty to follow and that he will do it to the end. I have never seen anyone die, obviously I have seen sometimes dead people, but I have never seen anyone die, but he sees these things every day and I think it is precisely seeing suffering and death that gives him a very strong push to do what he does.
Yesterday he told me that a lady who had gone out of the intensive care ward and that he had been assisting for days had given him a wooden rosary and told him that she would pray for him and his girlfriend, he was moved and told the lady that he didn’t have a girl but a guy because he was gay and the lady told him that it was fine all the same and that she would pray for his boyfriend, because Paul was a good guy and he could give so much to his boyfriend. Then the lady started to cry, because she had a son more or less the age of Paul. When he told me this story he had a voice broken by emotion! How can you not love a man like Paul? I would have hugged him strongly! I would have lifted him off the ground to make him feel that I love him! I’m very upset and anxious, Project, but for me living these days is a very profound experience that is changing my life.
Email dated March 30, 2020.

Hi Project,
today the data of the Civil Protection are comforting, I should be more calm and instead I feel very agitated and I can't refrain, Paul works tonight, I heard him in the early afternoon, he tends to calm me down, to reassure me, but when I hear the news and they say that other doctors have died, I get terror, terrible anxiety and I think there may be him too. He tells me that even if he catches the virus, he shouldn't take huge risks because he is young and mortality for those of his age is low, but many of his colleagues have tested positive and many have also died. He has no doubts, he must go on, he must put aside all emotions to maintain the highest possible level of self-control. He always tells me that he hopes that all this frightening adventure can change many absurd ways of reasoning. He quoted me a phrase from Pope Francis that struck him a lot, because that's what he always thought: "We thought we would always stay healthy in a sick world". I clearly feel that Paul is tired, exhausted, I feel it because until about a month ago we used to talk a lot on skype, now we speak less because he needs to sleep and I leave him quiet, but when I close the call I begin to be assaulted by despair, I'm afraid, I'm bloody afraid. People begin to relax and think that they are now getting out of it, but Paul continually repeats to me that this is not the case, that the situation can get out of hand very easily and that we could start again as before and worse than before. He repeats that nothing has changed from them yet and that nothing will change for several days, he says at least three weeks. Now they have a little more means than in the first days, if there is something that makes the difference, if anything, it is just that, it is always a struggle but a little less desperate. People continue to die exactly as before even though doctors can at least say they have done everything they could. Paul tells me that to return to acceptable levels the number of ICU patients should decrease by at least 50%, but it will take time and people will continue to die. He thinks of many other countries where there is no public health service that can react like ours and tells me that mortality will necessarily be much higher there. By now we stay on a video call at least for one hour and a half a day, I see him tired, much thinner than usual but nevertheless he is also calm, I don't know how he manages to be calm, it is evident that he is aware of doing something fundamental, he tells me that the thing that is more difficult for him is not to let himself be overwhelmed by failures, that are many, many. I don't sleep, Project, I ask God to save him but when I do it I have a thousand doubts, why him and not the others too? What's the point of praying? Why do catastrophes like this epidemic happen? Or maybe we notice the disasters that upset the world only when they happen to us. I can't even pray, it seems to me an act of selfishness, because I ask for something for myself, while perhaps we should just say: "your will be done" even if we don't understand the meaning of it or refuse to understand it because it affects us personally. Sometimes I find myself making absurd thoughts, almost trying to make a contract with God: He saves my Paul and I give up sex, but then it seems to me a kind of stupid market, if I think that in order to have Paul unscathed I have to give up to sex, it means that after all I also think that sex between us is a negative thing, but I don't think it at all, because it's not like that, and then I don't have to ask anything for me, it will be what it will be, and it will be accepted anyway, although it may be something terrible, as tens of thousands of people accepted it. In certain moments I’m also less afraid of death, of my personal death, I say, because I see it less as a personal drama and more as a collective destiny and I would say almost natural. I can't take it anymore, Project, I think of Paul at all times, I try to imagine what he is doing at that moment and I dream that the nightmare will end as soon as possible and that we can go back to his house at the foot of Alps together, but all this still seems to me damned far and uncertain. Think about me too, if you can, Project, reading your emails helps me to move forward with less anguish.
Obviously you can make use of this email as you wish.
I hug you.

Email dated May 9, 2020.

Hi Project,
I tell you right away, to prevent you from worry,  that "now" it is all quiet, but Paul got through some bad moments, and you can imagine how I felt. Between me and Paul there is a binding agreement: if there is any serious problem we must both know it and we must face it together. In our pre-covid life it has always been like this, so I knew very well that he would let me know how things really were, on Thursday April 2, he calls me at a strange time, in the morning, he tells me that he has a little cough but "at the moment" he has no fever, but he confesses to me that he is worried, so the fear that it may be covid is already in his head, he tells me that he had asked for the pharyngeal swab that will be done within two hours, results should arrive within the next 24 hours. He doesn’t try to tell me it's not covid, instead he tries to prepare me for the idea that it is really covid, he is not afraid because, he explains, now the doctors are starting to have a bit more clear ideas on how to handle the matter. He tells me: "I would have preferred to avoid this experience, but we'll get out of it!" In practice, he takes the test result for granted. The cell phone call doesn't last long, because they call him almost immediately for the swab. A quarter of an hour later he tells me that they won't let him go to the ward waiting for the result of the swab and that he thus will go home immediately and will call me on Skype just got home.
He calls me on skype and asks me about me, he tells me that he has "no fever yet”, but that he has a cough that suggests that it could be covid. We talked a bit, then I had to do my online work shift and we said goodbye. At 20.30 I called him back, he said he had a little fever, but that he had with him all the medicines needed, in practice he had already foreseen the evolution of that angry cough. I ask him how much fever he has and he tells me 38.5, but he says that he has "good" saturation, I ask him how much and he tells me "95" that for one his age he is not good at all, but he is not distressed by this fact. He alerted the hospital and they asked if he needed anything and he replied "no for now". He tried to explain to me what therapy he would follow, but I was unable to understand his speech, was hearing him coughing and I didn't want him to tire too much.
In our conversation, just to not tire him, I spoke almost continuously while he limited himself only to listen and I told him "our story" from the beginning, he was happy to hear it, he felt pampered, object of affectionate attention, and he needed all this very much precisely because he was sick. He took his medicines, then he said to me: "always saturation 95, but the temperature is 38.9 and I feel tired, maybe it's better to take an antipyretic." He took the antipyretic and 40-50 minutes later the temperature dropped to 38, the saturation was always 95 and he was a little breathless. He told me he wanted to try to get some sleep and that he set the alarm on at 3:00 and would call me back. I let him sleep, but, Project, you can't imagine what I was feeling inside, I was stretched like a violin string, wakeful and with wide eyes, I was unable to close my eyes waiting for 3.00. At 3.01 he called me, told me that the saturation was always 95 with some ups and downs and that the fever was stabilized at 38. He had taken other medicines and thought he would try to get some rest again. He would call me back at 7.00. This time I was, if I can say so, a little more peaceful.
At 7.00 he did not call me and I have been anxious for more than an hour because he was not answering my cell phone calls, then he called me shortly before 8.15 am and he said that one of his colleagues had come to see him and had told him that the swab was positive and that since the saturation was always on 95 and this could tire him it would have been good to take a little oxygen, at 2 liters per minute, even a little to support the heart. They said they would bring the oxygen to him within a couple of hours, not a compressed gas cylinder but a liquid gas cylinder that would last much longer, more or less 5-6 days. The fever was 38.3 now, several hours after the antipyretic. He told me that he felt tired and that he would try to rest waiting for the oxygen, he added that he would call me as soon as he started taking oxygen.
What he had told me was serious but all in all not distressed, but other times he had told me that the worst moments come after a few days and I was very agitated. Shortly after 9.00 he calls me back and tells me that with oxygen at 2 liters per minute, which is all in all low, he feels much less evanescent, that he is continuing the therapy and that he is monitored by his colleagues doctors. He tells me that with oxygen he also feels like getting up and walking, whereas before he could only stay in bed and feeling nevertheless very dizzy and fatigued. In the afternoon he did himself the ECG  and told me it was good. During the day he didn’t resume antipyretics and the temperature didn’t go above 38.4, the saturation “with oxygen” was at 98, therefore good, it oscillated a little but little and the values were on average high. Anyhow I continued to hear the cough exactly as before. When he was speaking through headphones I was able to hear the hiss of the oxygen coming out of the inhaler. I'm not going to tell you about everything that happened and everything we said to each other hour by hour.
April 4 was the most difficult day, the temperature, in the evening, went up to 38.9 and he had to take another antipyretic, but that things were at risk of taking a bad turn one could understand it from the saturation that even "with oxygen" had fallen to 95-96 (but perhaps a little more 96 that 95), I was very worried, he less than me and it reassured me a lot. We got in touch 4 times during the night, I was afraid that the situation could get worse at any moment, it has been the worst night. On Sunday morning, that is, the following day, the situation seemed stable, but Paul was not well at all. He often measured saturation, but until 5 o'clock in the afternoon no change was seen, fever always very high (he didn't want to take antipyretics before the fever reached 39 but the fever was always slightly lower).
In the late evening (of Sunday) things started to improve, the temperature, without antipyretic, did not exceed 38 and sometimes even fell below 38 and the saturation slowly rose and gradually abandoned that limit value of 95. Monday 7 temperature began to drop around 37.5 and Paul received another oxygen supply. In the next two days the improvement was constant, Paul preferred not to start talking of "healing phase", and when I spoke about it he said it was too early and that to have a relative certainty it was necessary to wait three or four more days.
On the morning of April 10 (Friday) Paul took off the oxygen while talking to me and half an hour later he measured the saturation and it was 97 "without oxygen", now finally an acceptable value, I asked him how he felt and he said " much better, I breathe in a satisfying and trouble-free way even without oxygen. " During the same day the fever disappeared completely and in the evening the saturation began to oscillate between 98 and 99, a sign that things, at the lung level, had come back to normal. By now Paul was calm.
On the evening of April 10 he asked that they do the swab and on Saturday 11 they went to his house to do it, he was now clinically healed, the swab was nevertheless still positive, but he wasn't worried about this fact. On April 13 morning they did him the swab again and this time it resulted negative, on April 15 they did him the second swab which was negative again. A few days later he came back to the hospital ward and resumed work with covid patients. It has been two weeks that I will never forget. He then explained to me that it went well and that it could have been much worse than that because he had seen even young people die.
Now he should be immunized, so the covid shouldn't scare him anymore. The two weeks of illness made him lose weight and he was never one of strong build. Looking at him on skype he seemed to have enormous eyes in a face very emaciated, and he has beautiful eyes! When I tell him that the epidemic is about to end, he always tells me that now he is no longer afraid for himself but that people continue to die and that even if there is a decline, the epidemic is not at all extinguished, that there are still too many new positives to say that we are out of it.
A few days ago he told me that they sent a 24-year-old boy to ICU and that he took care of him. Luckily that boy came out of the ICU after a few days and Paul also followed him to the ward and asked him if he wanted to contact someone in a video call, like his parents, but the boy asked Paul to call immediately his boyfriend ,who had been without news for more than 10 days, while the parents had been informed every day. The boy wanted Paul to stay in the room during the video call. The two boys started crying on the phone and then they also involved Paul: "If the doctor wasn't there, who knows where I was now!" At the end of the video call, Paul said to the boy: "but you two really love each other!" The boy's eyes shone. Then Paul went back to intensive care ward. When he told me this story Paul was happy and said to me: “They were really in love! There you really see if anyone loves you! "
As usual you can make use of this email as you wish. Thanks for your response the other time and sorry if I didn't answer you right away.
I hug you.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-08-2020, 11:32 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

This post is divided into two distinct sections: 

1) the first is dedicated to the distinction between the behaviors that that are indicator lights of exhausted gay relationships (that is, of the gay relationships that have lost the original momentum and the motivational drive of the early days but, despite everything, continue out of habit or out of reluctance to change perspectives) and the affective requests that can hide behind those behaviors;

2) and the second dedicated to the trend towards free relationships, that is, towards relationships without any legal constraint (without Marriage or Civil Union at the Municipalities' Registry Offices).

The two arguments may seem somewhat heterogeneous but are actually deeply connected.


Interpersonal relationships, even the most lasting ones, over the years, inevitably face wear and tear. Many times these relationships were from the beginning without solid foundations, that is, they were relationships upstream of which there was no instinctive and conscious and above all mutual choice, sometimes they are stories that began, then interrupted, then started again, that for both partners are not an instinctive, at least potentially definitive choice, but one of the possible hypotheses on which a perpetual indecision remains. But even when a story initially has all the necessary requirements to last, daily life, or rather the transcription of the story from the lyrical level of falling in love (assuming that there was a real falling in love at least at the beginning) to that of everyday life brings out weaknesses and critical issues.

Symptoms of attrition are generally small episodes in which each of the two partners manifests forms of intolerance towards the weaknesses of the other or shows judgmental attitudes systematically avoiding any effort of understanding, classic are the behaviors related to the idea that the partner is not quick enough to understand, he cannot do elementary things, he always falls back into the same mistakes. Often the request to have time for oneself is an indicator of the wear and tear of a relationship. Behaviors become standardized, everyone knows exactly what to expect, the speeches are always the same, the mutual reproaches, more or less veiled, are repeated in substantially similar situations, it is as if a script was repeated, the partner person is considered to be lackluster and unattractive, not up to the situation, the talks that could stray from the routine are stopped in the bud and there is room for unexpected reactions, which then can be followed by an internal repentance which, however, is not manifested to the partner for reasons of pride, the insistence on keeping the point, not giving in, not leaving room for the partner is quite evident. 

Even sexual behaviors become more and more standardized, partners no longer try to find a balance that can be satisfactory for both and begin to think that there can certainly be better alternatives than the story that is being lived, even if, in practice, those alternatives do not exist at all. Sex becomes a hurried affair in which everyone relates only to himself, and it is no longer accompanied by an emotional atmosphere full of desire as in the times of falling in love. The interest in the sexuality of the partner gives way to sexual selfishness that reduces the other to an instrument, an object rather than a subject.

This description of the characteristic signals of a worn-out relationship is however only theoretical because it is objectively very difficult to distinguish between such signals and the requests for greater emotional involvement addressed to the partner, and the risk that a wrong interpretation of those behaviors could undermine an important relationship, conditioned only by a communication defect, it is quite concrete. Formal detachment is often not a detachment at all but an affective request. The difference between the two situations lies in the absence of final declarations, that is, in always leaving a door open to the partner, in the case of an emotional request. I give a typical example. Two partners can also go so far as to say big words and indulge in forms of intemperance, but if after the reproaches, for example contained in an email, the email ends with a ILY (I love you) it is evident that the dominant dimension is the emotional one. If after the sprint of pride and the request for autonomy there is an attempt to go back, it is clear that the sprint of pride and the request for autonomy were actually affective requests, they were ways to elicit a response from the partner.

Even in the context of strictly sexual behaviors it is possible and often easy to confuse the characteristic behaviors of a worn down relationship with the requests for greater involvement by the partner. A very typical behavior characteristic of worn out relationships is the sexual unavailability of one of the partners, declaring himself tired, little interested in sex, stressed, etc. etc., or even simply the reduction of the frequency of sexual intercourse. Stress and fatigue can be real and not being episodically available to sexual contact can certainly have objective reasons. Obviously, if saying no becomes systematic it is a sign of rejection, if instead the sexual contact, when it is realized , is truly experienced as a form of deep communication, then saying sometimes no it is not an indication of a worn relationship. In general, it is not a sign of wear and tear of the relationship to try to correct the partner's attitudes by demanding less artificial forms of communication from him. There are people who experience sexuality by mediating it with many words that can sound unnecessary and rhetorical to the partner, in cases of this kind, the request to avoid excessive words is not a refusal of the partner but an attempt to correct him.

Given these clarifications on the difficulty of discerning the signs of wear and tear of a relationship from emotional requests, we take another step forward. What do you do when you realize that the relationship "probably" is about to end? do you stop it immediately? Do you expect the other to do it? Or do you let the passage of time decide the end of the relationship? In any case, you have to think very well before taking action, because often creaking buildings, if properly renovated, withstand time and earthquakes, while new buildings poorly designed collapse at the slightest failure.

There are rare situations in which there are very few doubts and these situations are those in which we must move away from a violent partner or prone to emotional blackmail, or from a partner who identifies sex as a domain and as a reality completely detached from affectivity. But in all other cases, haste is often a bad adviser. It happens that, after instinctive and uncontrolled moments of reaction that lead to decisions that are as quick as they are little thought about, there are second thoughts and attempts to recover situations that are no longer recoverable. The one-minute outburst can lead to the immediate gratification due to the refusal of the other considered not up to situation but in the long run can trigger late and useless regrets. We should never forget that destroying is always much easier than building and that giving your partner one more chance is not a gesture of weakness but often exactly the opposite.

The following analysis refers to the Italian situation and the reported data come from ISTAT, the Italian Institute of Statistics, but the discussion has a much more general validity and certainly applies to all Western European countries and also to North American countries.

In the heterosexual world, when couples are stabilized by the bond of marriage, especially when there are children, the problems related to the crisis of the couple can be truly enormous even from a legal point of view, for the custody of the children and for the economic aspects related to communion of goods, when the marriage took place under the communion of goods regime, or when family relationships overlap with legal relationships related to the ownership of the family business or professional studies. For gays, complications of this type are absolutely exceptional. These problems that could have arisen even for gay couples united by a Civil Union pact, in reality did not arise, because Civil Unions have a much weaker bond regime than that of marriage, because the Civil Union can be dissolved at the simple request of only one of the two contracting parties, which, it was believed, would have made the Civil Union a reality very appreciated by the population. In reality, Civil Unions, despite the very light bond regime, have been and still are a very little widespread reality and this not so much for the fact that homosexual couples do not yet have the social approval that characterizes marriage, but because, both in the heterosexual context and in the gay sphere the model of free relationships is increasingly gaining ground, that is, of unions absolutely without legal sanctions.

I quote here below a ISTAT Report of November, 20, 2019.

"In 2018, 2,808 civil unions (between same-sex couples) were established at the registrars of Italian municipalities. These must be added to those already established during the second half of 2016 (2,336), the year of entry into force of the Law May,20, 2016, no. 76, and during the year 2017 (4,376). As expected, after the peak immediately following the entry into force of the new law, the phenomenon is now stabilizing. The prevalence of couples of men is also confirmed in 2018 (1,802 unions, 64.2% of the total), albeit gradually decreasing (73.6% in 2016, 67.7% in 2017). 37.2% of civil unions were established in the Northwest, followed by the Center (27.2%). Lombardy is in the lead with 25%, followed by Lazio (15.1%), Emilia-Romagna (10.0%) and Tuscany (9.4%).The civil unions established in Italy in 2018 are 4.6 per 100 thousand inhabitants: ranging from 7 in Lazio, Lombardy and Tuscany to about 0.5 per 100 thousand in Calabria, Basilicata and Molise. The attractive role of some metropolises emerges with particular evidence. In 2018, in fact, 32.7% of the civil unions occurred in Italy were concentrated in the big cities: at the top of the ranking are Rome (290 unions, 10.3%) and Milan (257 unions, 9.2%) ; the share of civil unions of couples of men is particularly high in Milan (equal to 75.5%) compared to Rome (66.9%). Considering the incidence of civil unions on the total resident population, in 2018 18.7 civil unions per 100 thousand inhabitants were established in Milan, in Rome 10.1. Among the cities of the South, only Naples and Palermo show values above 1 per 100 thousand inhabitants."
I would add that civilly united homosexual couples have an average age of 49.5 years if male and 45.9 years if female, that is, homosexual couples are non-young couples. If we consider that in 2018 there were 195,778 marriages celebrated in Italy and 2,808 civil unions, we immediately notice that the same-sex civil unions were just over 1,4% compared to marriages, even if in recent years the number of marriages has drastically decreased in favor of free unions, a phenomenon on which we must stop to reflect.
Also from ISTAT we know that:
"The comparison between the data from the 1991 population census and those from 2018 shows the profound changes that have taken place. Among individuals aged 15-64, in the face of a slight drop in the population (-309 thousand), married people decrease (3 million and 843 thousand less), especially for the benefit of single and unmarried people (+3 million and 90 thousand) and, to a much lesser extent, of the divorced (over 972 thousand more).
The decrease and postponement of marriage, in place for over forty years, partially offset by the growth of free partnerships, led between 1991 and 2018 to a sharp decline in married couples, especially in the 25-34 age group (from 51.5% to 19.1% men, from 69.5% to 34.3% women). Single people go from 48.1% to 80.6% and single girls from 29.2% to 64.9%. In the 45-54 age group, almost one in four men never married while almost 18% of women are unmarried. "
From the above data, it is clear that the model of the Free Union, that is, of the couple's union, straight or homosexual, without any legal sanction, is spreading very decisively among the Italian population. Marriage, as far as hetero people are concerned, and civil unions, as far as gays are concerned, are seen more as a useless or even harmful bond, than as a protection of the couple's relationship, whose existence can neither be protected nor favored by legal constraints of any kind.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-07-2020, 11:02 PM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

I often hear people speaking about gay sexuality, I myself have used and still use this concept and I do it by adapting to a widespread and radical simplification of the concept of sexuality. Descartes begins his "Discourse on the method" by stating that, as for "common sense", "everyone thinks they are so well endowed with it, that even those who are more difficult to satisfy with regard to any other good do not want or desire more common sense than they have. " The same could be said for the "knowledge of sexuality", to whoever I ask for an answer I find people who are convinced that they have a very clear concept of sexuality. However, gathering these answers I do not find that variety that one would be legitimate to expect given the plurality of individual and social conditions, I’m instead faced with rather homogeneous answers, far from individual experience and inspired above all by mass media, television, cinema, readings and, to a large extent, by the use of internet pornography. In essence, the common concept of sexuality represents an abstraction, radically simplifying and trivializing, capable, precisely because of its generality, of being acceptable to the great majority of people.
Individual sexuality, which is not an abstract concept but a reality that permeates the whole individual, is linked to many factors, first of all to personal experience, which is absolutely unique and unrepeatable even if it can be studied with standard sociological categories based on age and social conditions. Among the fundamental factors that condition personal experience, family education and sometimes even religion must be placed at the top. The intertwining of the various lines of development of the individual experience is extremely complex and, beyond the abstract or theoretical concepts, leads the individual people to "live sexuality" in very different ways.
Here then appears a first substantial distinction: the concept of sexuality of an individual is not what is stated in response to a specific question, but what is embodied in that individual's behavior. Sexuality is not an abstract concept but a reality that lives in individual experience. Which means that knowing and understanding the sexuality of another person is an objectively very difficult thing, because to share these contents you need an atmosphere of deep intimacy and mutual trust that allows you to overcome the blocks that normally make it impossible a serious dialogue on these topics. Why is it so difficult to speak seriously not of sexuality in general but of one's own sexuality? The fear of being judged, of being classified, marginalized and rejected, is the basis of any resistance to true dialogue on these issues and is generally a well-motivated fear.
There are two prerequisites for any serious dialogue not about sexuality in general but about one's own individual sexuality. The first prerequisite is the radical elimination of any judgmental attitude, that is, of any preconception, but this prerequisite is still formal and almost professional, in the sense that any psychologist assumes or should assume a non-judgmental attitude. The second assumption is substantive and completely different and consists in accepting reciprocity as a fundamental rule of dialogue on individual sexuality. Accepting reciprocity means understanding that at these levels there can be no roles, there cannot be a professional detachment but an equal dialogue must be accepted. If the dialogue is not perceived as equal, it will never reach the deepest contents of consciousness and their manifestations in sexuality. A level of communication such as that described can be reached sometimes, but not as a rule, between lovers who are now well beyond the phase of sexual experimentation and who have a very strong mutual affection, but can also be reached sometimes in the context of very close friendly relationships (without involvement of sexuality).
It should be noted that the depth of a relationship is measured by the quantity and quality of information about ourselves that we are available to provide to the other. In a relationship of superficial friendship we never talk about affective life or we talk about it with very general and, so to speak, common sense categories, in a relationship of close friendship, emotional and even sexual confidences become frequent, in long friendships supported by concrete evidence of mutual reliability, emotional and sexual confidence can become total, that is, it can lead two friends to have no secrets from each other. Obviously all this happens very rarely but sometimes it happens.
What does it emerge from the comparison of individual sexualities? What emerges is essentially the category of complexity. What we consider simple and spontaneous manifestation of the sexual instinct, in reality is not at all simple or spontaneous, but is the result of the interaction of an extremely specific genetic-epigenetic substrate with the experience of the person as a whole, that is, with a plot of infinite correlations, for which it is difficult to identify even very general taxonomic categories.
I will try to limit the discussion to the gay area only. If there is truly something common in the experience of all homosexuals, this common element is nothing else than becoming and then being aware that the ways of living the affectivity and sexuality of two gay people can be radically different. More or less all gays identify being gay with falling in love with guys rather than girls, or more generally with having sex with guys rather than girls. At this level, in reality extremely general if not generic, it is easy to find consensus, when however we try to understand what it means for every single person to fall in love and have sex with a guy, that is when we move from abstract to concrete, abstract categories lose their meaning and individual stories come into play, stories strictly individual although often similar to those of other gays who find themselves in similar personal and social situations. Thus the importance of the only true instrument of knowledge of the other emerges, which is his individual story, I'm speaking exactly of the individual story, that is, of a real experience, just as it is perceived by the individual who has lived that story and  brings deep traces of it in his memory, I’m non speaking of the story told to other people and more or less unconsciously reinterpreted by the one who lived it. 
One of the intrinsic limitations of any psychotherapy consists in the fact that in a professional relationship, if the therapist can guarantee non-judgmental attitudes or, better, behaviors, he certainly cannot in any case open up to a substantial reciprocity, which, alone, could lead to the emergence of the profound contents of consciousness. The therapist, therefore, starts not from the knowledge of the individual story of his patient just as the patient experiences it, but from the representation that the patient gives of that story to the outside, in a communication in which the guarantee of professional secrecy can in no way to make up for the absence of reciprocity. In a sense, we offer a deeper knowledge of ourselves to our lover or our dearest friend than to the psychotherapist because with the lover or dearest friend the condition of reciprocity can really exist.
In the early 1900s, Havelock Ellis was already fully aware of the complexity of the homosexual reality and of the substantial impossibility of building a theory of homosexuality that could have a minimum of concrete utility, therefore he preferred to abandon traditional attitudes and organize his book as a collection of 39 real cases, told in the words of the protagonists themselves. The 39 stories, which make up about half of the book, allow the reader to understand the complexity of the homosexual world and then to acquire, even if through a book, a little real experience not of what "homosexuality" is at the theoretical level but of what can be the life of 39 homosexual people with different personalities and experiences. In this sense, more than a book or a scientific article, a novel or a story can help to understand the reality of the life of gays as individuals, which is what matters, and not as a category.
In the 21st century, the role of novels and short stories is largely taken on by films, short films and videos, which use a different  language but convey similar contents. In recent years, more or less for ten years now, there has been a noticeable flowering of gay videos, which generally deal with the major issues of gay life in a substantially serious and correct way. Obviously you cannot ask a video of an average length of twenty minutes what you can ask a novel or a feature film, but some of these videos, even if short, are small masterpieces. Generally these videos are quite well made, one feels the hand of expert directors and one understands that the production is not of a reductive amateurish type.
These videos can constitute and sometimes really constitute a true form of affective-sexual education, capable of counteracting the models spread by pornography, because in gay themed videos the emotional and psychological dimension is present in a serious way. Unfortunately, gay-themed videos are still produced, at a substantially professional level, providing very particular gay reality models that risk favoring deviant associations in the mind of the viewer, such as the association homosexuality-drug or homosexuality-violence or homosexuality-depression or worse homosexuality-mental pathology or homosexuality-crime. These associations are the result of preconceptions and suggest that the authors of the stories, the producers and directors are not themselves homosexuals and limit themselves to making videos following common prejudices.
Gay themed videos written and made by homosexuals are generally short glimpses of homosexual life and are extremely varied, they are therefore a very powerful educational tool, easy to access and capable of highlighting the most classic themes of gay affectivity and sexuality and the gay point of view, in its most complex and varied articulation, on many issues that affect family relationships, homophobia, dialogue among gays and couple life.
Let's go back, however, to the complexity of gay sexuality. A deep emotional relationship with your partner allows not only verbally, but also through the sharing of sexuality, a fair comparison of experiences and the emergence of all the contents of individual memory, even the most hidden. This means that a good gay couple relationship can be more useful than psychotherapy because it allows, in a context of reciprocity, to speak freely about one's own sexuality and above all to live it without taboos.
We need to clarify a concept, as simple as it is forgotten: sexuality can be lived and is often lived in a completely mechanical way, without deep affective involvement, and the sincerity between the partners may become something optional. The lack of sincerity reaches the point of legitimizing the betrayal and to hide from the partner some elements that would radically change his opinion on us. Even in situations where there is no betrayal and it is not a question of hiding "behaviors" that could change the judgment of the partner on us, there are other elements that can be and are often kept silent, these are the non-standard sexual fantasies that may not be accepted or understood by the partner, this is the case of pedophile fantasies even if they have never been put in practice, but it is also the case of incestuous sexual fantasies, or intergenerational, but the listing could also extend to other sexual fantasies, less alarming but quite uncommon.

Another category of experiences is almost always kept silent, even if it is facts that should in no case undermine the relationship with the partner, I refer to having suffered sexual violence or harassment in childhood or in early adolescence. The episodes of violence or sexual abuse of minors, almost always in the family environment or by regular visitors of the family environment, are unfortunately much more common than you can imagine. All these elements and many others can have a profound influence on an individual's sexual behavior and on many other aspects of his personality. The couple relationship, if it is really a love relationship, can be the best way to achieve a substantial serenity of life.
Sharing sexuality, sexual freedom in intimacy with your partner, feeling accepted for what you are, after showing yourself for what you are, is a unique opportunity for gratification and emotional exchange, which is truly able to change the life of an individual, provided that couple sexuality is truly an exchange of love and not a substantially selfish rite to exorcise solitude.

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Posted by: gayprojectforum - 05-05-2020, 12:05 AM - Forum: Gay couples - No Replies

This post is dedicated to the so-called "gay sex without commitments" or to those sexual contacts that do not take place within a stable couple relationship, that is, they are not part of a structured relationship.
Two elements appear in this definition: the “stable couple” and the “structured relationship”, which must be further clarified.
It is common practice to compare stable couples with unstable (short term) ones and structured relationships to unstructured ones, commonly called free relationships. The legacy of the traditional marriage concept is evident in these distinctions, marriage intends to structure and legitimize a couple's relationship around the presumed indissoluble mutual fidelity which also implies a social meaning. In the case of marriage, the union is born indissoluble, or at least with the claim, more or less credible, of being indissoluble, but indissolubility is only a hypothesis that is taken for granted, because indissolubility manifests itself over time, in substance indissolubility, which in itself is by no means an obvious thing, is favored, if not actually induced and obliged by the structure that connotes the marriage bond.
The "social", not "couple" dimension of marriage is clearly revealed in the celebration of the wedding ceremony which is a social ceremony. Structuring a couple's reaction means conforming to a codified and socially recognized standard, that is, inserting one's life as a couple partner in a legal-social structure that in theory protects it but which risks distorting it completely.
Today free relationships, even in the hetero field, are many, even in couples with children. This, in general, does not mean that one renounces inserting the couple life into a wider social structure, but simply that one intends to avoid legal constraints. Removing legal constraints from couple life means safeguard the freedom to interrupt couple life (without prejudice to the rights of children) without legal complications, should the need to do so be felt.
For a gay couple, for whom insertion into a wider social structure can be very problematic, it is certainly difficult if not impossible to accept even very weak legal formalizations, such as civil unions, but it is very often necessary or at least very appropriate to avoid the socialization of the relationship beyond a very limited and reliable circle of friends. In essence, the great majority of gays, and especially young gays, do not aspire to any legalization of the couple's relationship and to the inclusion of the couple's life in a social dimension with not well defined borders.
Many gays, after having dreamed of an almost matrimonial life as a couple and having collected a more or less long series of illusions and disillusions, begin to convince themselves that those who promise sublime things are generally unreliable and that the risk to get involved with individuals of this kind in very structured stories, that are or can became sometimes real traps, is concrete and also probable. Those who, on the other hand, do not promise anything and indeed point out that they do not promise anything and consequently do not require any kind of a priori commitments, can, in the long run, prove to be much more serious and reliable people than they seemed at the beginning. A weak bond, both in the sense of unstructured on a social level, and in the sense of light, partial and non-totalizing, can prove to be very stable, while maintaining its characteristics of absence of structure and lightness, precisely because it is in fact a pure couple relationship on which no pressure or expectation, by the social environment or bay partner, can be loaded.
Generally we tend to distinguish simple friendships (without sex) from sexualized friendships, in which some sexual contact can also occur. If it is true that not all friendships last over time, it is equally true that not all sexualized friendships last over time. What gives both the ability to last? And here the answer is immediate. With or without sex, lasting friendships are those in which there is a real emotional foundation. It should be stressed that the sexualization of affectivity aims to maintain the relationship, apparently, on a purely or essentially sexual level, because a contact purely sexual is or seems less demanding than an important affective relationship.
It should also be clarified that the sharing of sexuality inevitably leads to the sharing of several other aspects of emotional life and individual history: illusions, frustrations, moments of depression but also moments of joy. Those who are involved in a relationship of this kind do not fear it, they have no reason to run away, they know that no obligation, either social or towards the partner, will derive from it, they don't feel forced,
don't feel judged even by their friend, but rather they feel free and this is enough to make them feel deeply gratified.
Of course these relationships have nothing of the fusion of two lives, the partners are not two people who share every aspect of their life. Each of the two retains its full autonomy, there are no legal or economic constraints, there is no obligation of cohabitation, cohabitation can also exist but it is an absolutely free and revocable choice at any time. The circles of friends can very well remain completely separate, the relationships with the family of origin of the partner are a pure possibility which often is not followed up because a different behavior would authorize expectations and interferences that in a couple relationship should be avoided.
I do not intend to make the apology of free unions, which, as it is easy to deduce from the statistics on straight marriages and gay civil unions, are progressively gaining ground compared to legalized forms of union, in fact, sexual contacts without commitments are not even a free union, which however postulates some explicit assumption of commitments.
Sexual contacts without commitments very often are such only formally, because the expression "without any commitment" does not prevent that such a contact can at least involve the moral commitment of the partners to respect each other. Formally there are no constraints and there are no expectations on either side, but over time it is possible, not to say probable, that behind a purpose declared as only sexual and "without commitments" there is actually something more, that, under the protection of the clause "without commitment", can have the possibility to develop spontaneously and without forcing. Those who consciously live this type of experiences, in general, do not tend to transform them into something else, that is, in stable and structured relationships, and for this reason they do not experience any sense of frustration. It often happens that sex, which had been taken as the basic postulate of the relationship, over time becomes only a possible option and leaves room for other content as well.
It should be clarified that, just as stable couple relationships are not a generalizable model of gay life, so are not a generalizable model the sexual contacts without commitments”. It is obvious that each has his own genetic and cultural predisposition to one or another type of relationship, but from what I see, now more and more often, the assumption that it is possible to realize one's own affectivity-sexuality only in the context of a stable and structured couple is something that does not correspond to reality. Affective gratification derives neither from the presumed definitive nature of the relationship nor from its social or legal sanction, but exclusively from the presence of a real emotional contact which, when it exists, is spontaneous and whose duration cannot be guaranteed by any legal mechanism of protection.

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