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Dear Project,

today is a strange day, I spoke again with my ex after 15 days, it’s the first time I feel the clear feeling that everything is over between us. We have been together for years with ups and downs, then he found another guy, something that I expected and that didn’t upset me, because between us had remained a very important friendship, we were still often in touch and just for this I didn’t feel the weight of the gap, I would say that we went on like that for about six years, he with his new guy, with all the events of the relationship in progress, I always alone, but there was something important between us. 

This morning he calls me ... well, the feeling of embarrassment was very strong, at the end we said goodbye quickly, as if he were in a hurry to close. We talked only about obvious things, while at other times we were talking a lot and at the end there remained the feeling that there really was mutual trust. Today I can say that our relationship came at the end of the line. End of the journey. 

The journey does not end when he finds another guy but when I don’t mean anything for him. At the beginning it seems that that moment will never come, but then inexorably arrives and then you ask yourself what all our history was about, which was not at all a trivial thing and lasted for so many years. By now our history belongs to the past, that is, it no longer exists. What's left for me? I don’t know, I'm removing even the memory. 

Perhaps I still have the idea that loneliness is the only stable reality of life and that loves and friendships are only particular ways of not really understanding each other, or maybe many years ago we were different, but then time passes and sweeps away even memories that seemed more sacred. Tomorrow is another day. At other times I was exalted by my love story, because it was a love story, or at least it seemed such. Who knows what love is? Then, the sexual component was lost and I told myself that there was still the essential thing, that is to love one another, but slowly that was lost too, and now it remains only an increasingly faded memory of another self that has lived another life in another era, but it is as if I read a book, all this does not belong to me anymore, it will no longer belong to me and slowly the memory itself will vanish. 

After him, I didn’t have any other stories involving sex, and even from the point of loving each other, it was never the same thing. With him I was convinced, at least at the beginning, to have found the ideal companion and for a while it was so, I felt I was important, then a very slow downs began. There have never been crises between us, only a slow losing, almost imperceptible, day after day. Today I'm not upset, I almost became aware of the inevitability of all this mechanism and I feel protected, I could say vaccinated, for the future: no more love stories. 

I'm not old even though I turned 40, so much people believe that at 40 life is all to be lived but a guy like me cannot manage to delude himself twice. I had a few chances, but my brain immediately went in search of critical points, weaknesses, I identified the things I did not like about my potential partner. A phrase out of place, a claim too much could were enough to warn me. I said to myself, "What are you doing? Are you fooling yourself again?" And it was enough to stop flying and to try to hold me tight to the ground. 

In front of me I have the void, the prospect of a life without strong affections, the alternative would be deluding myself, but even that is not a good prospect, there remains the third way, that is the less important and more disengaged relationships. My program is only one: put apart programs.

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