10-20-2023, 07:58 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2023, 09:25 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
as you can see from my nickname, which I ask you to keep confidential, we already know each other and we have talked many times in chat. I have a very positive memory of those chats, basically the idea that being gay, after all, it's a beautiful and serious thing and, as you say, it's a way of loving. I spent years continuously looking for a guy, I had my own experiences, a bit like what we all more or less have, but, if I have to tell the truth, all those things seemed to me to be just ways of trying to see what effect it has on me being close to a guy and maybe even having a bit of sex, I mean such experiences seemed more like a test on myself than anything else.
This continuous search for a guy increased my experience, I understood better how to manage a brief contact with a guy, how to talk to him and then go to bed together, in a sense I learned a seduction strategy, if we want to call it so, but I have never managed to fall in love with a guy I met online, in fact, even those who said they were only interested in a serious relationship, while they were officially in love with me, they were also unofficially in love with someone else, lies were the rule and were considered as something obvious and those guys told me a lot of lies of every kind every day, I knew they were lies, the evidence was clear, and I pretended nothing had happened but I had the clear perception that there was actually no serious relationship between me and those guys, not even at a minimal level, so in the end I gave up the classic dating sites and I started to dedicate myself more to work.
When the problem of finding a boyfriend seemed definitively closed to me, because I was now 35 years old, the whole scenario of my life changes, because Gianni (here I will call him that) appears. He is 19 years old, he is objectively handsome, a bit like my ideal guy, tall, blond, smiling, and this matters a lot. Years ago I used to spend a few afternoons in a pine forest not far from my house, I took my computer with me and I sat down to work on a bench. There were people around, actually not too many, but it didn't bother me at all because my job was (and is) just programming and in practice it's very technical and you can do it wherever you want because no one would understand anything about it.
At a certain point I see a guy coming at me with his bicycle, downhill and at great speed, I instinctively get up from the bench and try not to move but to stop him, because he would have ended up at full speed straight onto the bench. It hits me and we both fall, obviously my computer ends up on the floor too. I fall, let's say so, well, because behind me there is the bench that stops me and I expected the blow and I was well balanced, but the guy, Gianni, falls badly. He had a helmet and his head was protected, but when he fell he badly scratched his left calf and knee. A bicycle wheel twists in the blow.
Gianni gets up and apologizes to me, tells me that he will pay me for all the damages, but I hurry to tell him that nothing happened to me and that the computer fell closed in the grass and I don't think it received any damage at all, but I see him bleeding and I tell him: "But you have to disinfect yourself and you have to put plasters on the wounds and then the bike seems useless to me, let's go to the pharmacy to get something to disinfect." He says to me: "You go to the pharmacy, I'll wait for you here, in the meantime I'll rinse off under the fountain, ... but if it's too much trouble, forget it..." I just reply: "I'll be back very early, don't worry!" I walk briskly to the pharmacy, get disinfectant, cotton and plaster and go back to the park. He is sitting on the bench, he has washed the wounds which seem rather superficial. We disinfect them and don't even put plasters on them, because they aren't needed.
He then tells me: "Now I have the problem of a broken bicycle and I don't know where to leave it, then I have to go home." I tell him that I live a stone's throw away and that I have a garage, where, if he wants, he can leave his bicycle and that, if he wants, I can take him home in the car, he just replies “Ok, thanks! But I can get there on my own, that is, after I've done the damage I don't want to cause any trouble." I tell him it's not a bother at all and he just says “Okay!” He walks a little limping but not much, I carry the bicycle by hand and he sometimes leans on me, but very lightly.
We leave the bike in the garage and then I accompany him by car to his house, quite far away, we exchange mobile numbers because he will have to come and get the bike back, I tell him that if he wants I can make it fixed, because I think it's damaged but not too much and I know a rather good bicycle mechanic, he tells me that he doesn't know how much it will cost him and that maybe it's better for him to think about it himself, I insist by saying that the mechanic is a friend and that the job could even be done for free. He just replies “Ah… Ok”. I leave him at his house.
I go back to my house and take the bike to the mechanic who tells me that the wheel is crooked but that with a cost of around twenty euros and 10 minutes of work he can fix everything, because he has a spurious wheel of exactly that type. After half an hour the bike is ready, cleaned and dusted and the mechanic also adjusted the brakes which were too ineffective, not because of the brake shoes, which were almost new, but because they were poorly adjusted. I load the bike into the car and go to Gianni's house, call him on the phone, tell him that I have the restored bike with me.
He gets out, sees the bike, appreciates the work and asks me how much I spent, I tell him that the mechanic had a spurious wheel and that he didn't want anything. It was a lie and he knew it, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “It's not true! Tell me how much you spent..." I couldn't insist and I told him the truth: "Twenty euros" he gave me back the 20 euros and said: "Thank you for the bike and everything else, but don't ever tell me lies! Okay?” I just replied: “Okay!” Then he said to me: “I take the bike up to my room and come back down.” In 10 minutes he is back on the street, he asks me if I should go or if I have some time to take a walk and adds: “… but not here…”.
We get in the car and go to another part of the city. The embarrassment is terrible, we don't know what to talk about and the whole conversation focuses on the accident, he tells me that the bike didn't brake, I reply that the mechanic had also adjusted the brakes, that the brake shoes were in good condition but the brakes were poorly adjusted. He looks at me and says: “Are we sure you only paid 20 euros?” I open my arms and tell him I can swear it on my head. I suggest we go and get something at the bar, but he says no very resolutely and I don't have the courage to insist. We continue talking, then my cell phone rings and it's a customer who has an urgent problem and who wants to see me as soon as possible, I explain it to Gianni, who only replies "Ok, bye and thanks for everything". We don't even shake hands, I just say “Hello!” and everything ends like this.
I feel strange at home. Ultimately the story of the bicycle was used to try to maintain contact with Gianni, but it had served no purpose, it had been an evanescent encounter which to me seemed like a splendid beginning of I don't know what and for him it had probably just been an annoyance. I was deeply disturbed by the meeting with Gianni, he was very different from the guys I had met through the sites. I didn't know who he was, I didn't know anything about him, yet there had been an interaction, no matter how minimal, there had been, even if everything ended up in nothing.
I had his cell phone number, but I had no excuse to call him, I had now returned his bike and in theory I had no other reason to call him again. But my brain was running and I couldn't stop it. Evidently the brain processes an enormous amount of data which remains below the level of consciousness but which is there. I spent the entire evening working on my client's problem and was able to solve it. Shortly after midnight my mind was free to think about Gianni again, I was very tempted to call him but I feared I might get myself into a complicated and most likely unsuccessful story. Then I had a moment of madness and called him.
- Hi, Gianni, I wanted to ask you how you are and if everything is ok.
- Everything's fine, thanks, but did you call me just for this?
- No, well, I was happy to hear from you...
- I'm happy too. But why did you do all the things you did: take me home, have the bike fixed immediately and take it to my home and everything else?
- Well it seemed right to me.
- Remember that you promised not to tell lies!
- Well, I wanted to talk to you a bit...
- That's better. And why did you want to talk to me?
- I don't know...
- Yes you know...
- If this conversation bothers you, tell me and we'll end it here!
- It doesn't bother me at all... but it took you a long time to call...
- ... So you were expecting my last call?
- Yes…
- Ok, I'm happy about this.
- Now let's see if you can keep quiet
- Have I to keep quiet, on the phone now?
- Yes... then when I tell you, you tell me how you are.
- Okay.
In the minutes of silence my brain worked at maximum speed, building and demolishing the most incredible hypotheses, then Gianni resumed the conversation:
- What are you thinking about?
- To the fact that I want to ask you a question.
- What a question? ...
- Why are you treating me like this?
- To test you, you seem like a good devil, but I haven't figured you out yet, I need time to understand something more. And you, what did you understand?
- Don't embarrass me with these questions. Objectively I didn't understand anything. Intuitively I made a few hypotheses.
- Which hypotheses?
- Don't push me in the corner, okay?
- Ok, so far you still seem like a good devil to me. But now I think it's best to say goodbye...
- Why?
- Because we must have time to understand. Did you want to ask me something before closing?
- No...
- Don't tell lies!
- Well...
- Come on!
- Can we meet again?
- That's better! Of course we can see each other again, if you hadn't asked me you would have disappointed me and I wouldn't have asked you.
- Well, but it would have been a bit mean...
- Well, maybe I would have asked you, yes, I think I would have asked you. But now we say goodbye. I'll call you back tomorrow when I can and if I don't call you before, you call me in the evening after nine. Okay?
- Okay!
- Hi.
- Hi.
Coming home I felt new sensations that I had never felt before, it was clear that I was losing my head for Gianni and his strange behavior encouraged me in that direction. I knew that theoretically everything that went through my head made no sense, but I still found the sense and it even seemed obvious to me. The next day I waited all morning, then all afternoon but Gianni's call never came. I was disappointed, I felt stupid, I thought about not calling him to punish him, then this idea seemed childish to me but I took anyhow a little revenge, instead of at 9.00 I called him at 9.15.
He replies:
- I was waiting for you, but you made me wait 15 minutes... you knew I was waiting.
- But you also haven't called all day, you may have been busy, but anihow you could have found five minutes.
- Yes, I could have found them...
- And you didn't?
- No, but you also didn't call at 9.00.
- But you're strangely strong with these games...
- They're not games and you know it...
- Mh...
- Come on, don't get angry, after all you're a good devil...
- But don't constantly test me...
- You're right, you have the right to your privacy! But you have to agree that even your way of doing things isn't so obvious, isn't it?
- Well, actually... Why are you silent now?
- Because I too have the right to my privacy!
- But this way we play the game of silence...
- It's not a game and you know it well.
- Let's make a deal: no personal questions, okay?
- I can't agree at all! So what should we talk about? And then you would certainly like to ask me personal questions... and so would I... No! No privacy agreement, otherwise it's better to watch television than stay here on the phone. Oh well, I think we'd better say goodbye. I won't call you tomorrow...
- Can I call you?
- No, we won't talk at all tomorrow.
- But why? What did I do?
- Nothing... but we don't have to see each other every day, we'll talk the day after tomorrow...
- You are starting to play games again! No! I really don't like it like this, we'd better end it, there's nothing to say anyway. Hi!
And I ended the call. Obviously I felt terrible afterwards, but I felt like I was being made fun of, it felt like he was playing cat and mouse with me, that he wanted to dominate the situation but at the same time I missed him. After a minute I receive a text message: "I won't call you back because I'm almost out of credit, please call me back." I called him back, he told me that he could understand my reaction but that is how he is, maybe he will change, maybe not! The conversation moved on to expectations for the future and there he began to make pessimistic speeches, it was clear that he felt like someone who was absolutely far from the typical models of a good guy, he was alone and took things badly. I tried to tell him some positive things, but he replied to me with a tone of pity:
- But shut up, when you say this bullshit you just piss me off! Shut up, it's better!
I tried to see things a little from his point of view, but I didn't understand exactly what his point of view was or even what he was really talking about. I kept talking to fill the void. He only responded by shouting:
- Shut up!!
Between serious conversations, insults and silence, we stayed on the phone until three in the morning, then he told me.
- Enough is enough, I'm dead tired, but you're truly a good devil, you've stayed until now and no one forced you. I'll call you tomorrow around three, don't worry, I'll call you... Good night.
- Good night!
I was stressed and sleepy but all in all I was happy with how things were going and then Gianni had promised me that he would call me at three the next day, it was as if the phase of playing games, which I didn't like at all, had suddenly ended. I felt like "a good devil", even if I didn't understand the true meaning of that expression.
Here, Project, this was the beginning of our story. It was all a combination of things that I would never have imagined. Gianni wasn't a figment of my imagination, Gianni was truly another guy, with a story I knew absolutely nothing about. I felt that I had to give him his freedom and at the same time that his presence had enormous importance for me. I had to let things go their way. One thing amazed me and in a sense put me in crisis: Gianni had a truly monstrous intelligence, lucid, coherent, unfortunately soaked in radical pessimism, but I felt that his intelligence did not meet the standards from any point of view, it was 100% his, while in most cases I remained much more on the surface of things and clung to the common way of seeing.
I also felt that our relationship, however ramshackle and unlikely, had its solidity based on deep needs, his and mine. Little by little, substantial mutual trust increased and we came to truly tell each other everything. This thing, in my experience, was absolutely unique. Gianni had given me access to his most secret world and I had done the same. He was absolutely the only person who knew me without secrets. I wasn't just in love with Gianni, I admired him as a person, I found in him, despite the dissonances, a dignity that I had never found in anyone else and the courage to truly be himself at least with me.
We started seeing each other often, on Sundays we went shopping together at the supermarket, we cooked together, we stayed talking for hours, I felt him a bit like a brother and a bit like an impossible lover, I saw that he was fine with me, that he was happy to spend so much time with me. For more than a year there was no physical contact between us, he had a boyfriend who had made him lose his mind, but that guy didn't want to know about him and for this reason Gianni had been really terrible, sometimes he was very nervous and he responded aggressively, other times he was depressed to the point of crying. One day he declares himself to that guy and the guy responds really badly. Gianni was devastated. He calls me at two in the morning and he comes to my house. He remains crying desperately for almost half an hour. I hug him and he shakes my hand very tightly, this was our first explicit physical contact.
Over time, the effects of that guy's abandonment faded and Gianni found another guy, one who said he was straight and had a girlfriend, but played explicitly sexual games with Gianni. When Gianni talked to me about these things I was jealous but at the same time I saw Gianni calmer, a little less depressed, a little more willing to smile. Between us, after that first physical contact there were no other physical contacts, but we continued to see each other every week, we were two gay "friends", but behind that being friends I also saw the answer to other needs that cannot be solved with a bit of hit-and-run sex with someone who you consider to be your boyfriend but has a girlfriend, with all that this entails.
Gianni then also met other guys and had sex with them, but I had the impression that he did these things almost to throw himself away, to consume himself in superficial things and avoid thinking. Sometimes he told me what feelings he felt living sex with those guys, and it was clear that they were a kind of slow emotional suicide. On certain days he was in such a depressed mood that I would pick him up at home and we would spend the whole night in the car talking, but with very long pauses of silence, when it was very cold we would both put ourselves under a heavy quilt to warm ourselves with the physical heat of each other. It was precisely on one of those freezing January nights that we had our first sexual contacts. They were things deeply desired by both parties, it was a way of getting to know each other better, of not having even physical secrets from each other.
When we had sex everything was very beautiful, but immediately afterwards the doubts began, the scruples, the regret of having done something that perhaps we didn't really want to do, but also the fear of sexually transmitted diseases. He took the test, I didn't take it because it was the first time I had ever had sexual contact. Luckily the test was negative, but sex between us was never an obvious thing, it was something that seemed strange to him, almost a moment of weakness that he should or would have liked to do without. I too, in a sense, saw things that way and tried to encourage him to break away from me and look for a guy like he would have wanted him, but he saw my way of doing things as a way to dump him and tell him no, he felt very bad and reacted in a depressed and sometimes aggressive way, but only in words. Despite everything, the dialogue between us continued at a very serious level, but integrating sex into this relationship, which in essence was a relationship of deep friendship, seemed like an impossible task.
In the meantime Gianni had enrolled at university, obviously always with the idea that he wouldn't achieve anything and instead he had started taking his exams and his intelligence led him to non-standard approaches even in his studies and the professors respected him. He had also met a couple of rather reliable guys, with whom he occasionally had sexual contact, but he never considered them as life partners. With me things proceeded in the usual problematic way. Little by little I ended up putting aside the fear that Gianni might say goodbye to me definitively, I began to understand that it would never happen.
When he used to come to me and we talked seriously there was one thing that gratified him a lot and that was when I used to tell him that he was a proper person, that he had dignity and that I admired him a lot on a human level. He knew very well that they weren't things just to say and he cared a lot about it. He spoke very little to me about university and the things that, on that level, were starting to go well for him. When he came to me, sometimes we even had a little sex, then he went to open the fridge to eat something and he told me smiling: “There is, there is!” He was referring to a type of ice cream that he really liked and which, obviously, I always had in the fridge. The fact of finding that ice cream in the fridge was reassuring for him. Staying with me, for him, was a bit like staying in the family he had never had, feeling pampered even in the smallest things, like you do with children.
The good progress of his studies was for him the real medicine against depression. In my house I had set up a room for him, with a bed, a bookcase, a desk and two armchairs. Sometimes, after lessons he would come to me and start studying in "his room" and after a few hours I would bring him a snack in his room, all of this gratified him greatly. We could have sex together, but he had to have his privacy, he had to to sleep on his bed if he wanted to, he had to be able to close the door and talk on the phone with whoever he wanted. He didn't study with his university colleagues because he had an approach to studying that was absolutely his own, unique, intuitive but monstrously effective. Sometimes we started discussing physics things, which I only studied a little, and it also happened that in the end he told me that I gave him some interesting ideas, I can't deny that it was gratifying for me. In practice our relationship became a kind of family life that had its own stability and value for both him and me.
A few years have passed, he now works at a good level, and is satisfied with at least that. We see each other less because he has many work commitments, but our relationship continues. I love Gianni, he's a good devil too, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the world!