11-09-2022, 01:08 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-09-2022, 01:09 PM by gayprojectforum.)
I
Falling in love with a guy is not a dream, I can't even say if it's desirable. Of course, first it all seems like a dream, then you realize that it is not even your thing, it is something that has its own logic that you don’t control and often don’t even understand, you realize that you are a part of a larger mechanism that it is not at your service and that, once you are inside, you can only go with the flow, which takes you wherever it wants. I love you, I don't even know whether to say it's true, maybe it is but in my own way that is probably very far from your way of conceiving these things. It is good together, it is good for a while, there is also sex in the middle, I don't know if there is really on both sides the idea of building something in two. A guy, indeed a handsome guy is like a box, you see the outside you like, but you don't know what's inside the box, you don't know if you'll like what's inside, if that box really opens in front of you. Fears, after all, are mental reserves, they are forms of prudence that come from the fact that you don’t really know what you want or rather who you want, after all it is a choice in the dark, and for you it is the same, you too see the outside and I think sooner or later you will realize that the contents of the box are not worth much. I should be happy to have found a guy, a handsome guy who "maybe" is interested in me, but I don't feel overwhelmed by feelings but rather by uncertainties. Having some sex, as good as it may be, just means having some sex. I wonder why we got to this point, if by inertia, by chance, or just because each of us had our dreams of doing it with a guy and by chance that guy was me for you, but he could have been anyone else. After sex, and especially after an evening like the one we have just spent together, one should feel happy, enthusiastic, but no, I feel worried, I think maybe it would have been better if this whole story had never existed. In a sense it was nice, but in the end it is only an experience and we must be careful not to consider it a fundamental achievement, maybe it can happen again, but it will not be a basic choice of life. I know that you will leave, that it was only a moment, it is difficult to accept but in the end it can only be accepted. Even a moment can be beautiful and shouldn't be thrown away, it's just a moment. We do not have a life in common, which doesn’t exist for anyone, we shared a few moments, then each one will continue on his own path that is already marked.
II
Dignity is your main virtue, but dignity is, even if not above all, detachment, separation, the de facto claim of absolute autonomy. I understand that you claim your freedom, and you do very well to do so! And you do it gracefully and decisively at the same time. I had set out to never say no to you but also not to look for you and not because I don't like your presence but because on the one hand I wouldn't want you to consider me as a burden and on the other, if this happens, it would really bother me. Then it is better to disappear first, slowly, rather than knocking on the door of someone who doesn’t answer.
III
Every now and then, when you can't find anything better, you look for me too, you say it's not like that, but in the end the pauses between our meetings become so long that they appear to be the prelude to a definitive goodbye, or rather to a disappearance without goodbye. Maybe we have only a physical communication, or at least we have had it, then everyone remains closed in on himself, I behave this way, we behave this way together, we play the part of lovers together once in a while and then everything returns as before and another very long pause starts again. You have your dignity, I have my prudence and it's all over before we start. Only sex remains, which is still liberating, at least up to a certain point, but then the parenthesis closes and we return to real life. I know absolutely nothing about your real life, beyond a few names. We just have to wait for it to end by itself.
IV
I’m pleased when I hear from you, in the minutes we spend on the phone on the one hand I’m glad that you are still there and on the other I’m afraid that talking to me could take you further away, or further highlight that I have been only a moment and that moment has passed, perhaps there is still a non-negative memory, but that too is fading. I like your voice. Long ago it would have seemed impossible but you are fading into my memories. You were a need and you are becoming a memory with more blurred outlines day after day. I count the days since the last call, they are now 35, that call could really be the last. Archiving is difficult, I'll have to do it anyway, because it's not even a choice.
V
Well, after 42 days we met again, some physical contact, to have the illusion of contact. I am left with the idea that you too are a drifter without reference points, with so many frustrations and so many resentments, so many unresolved conflicts that will remain unresolved. Our sporadic being together doesn’t help us to solve our problems, or maybe yes, who knows what we would be like if we were really alone, that is, one without the other, maybe we would be even worse than that. Tonight I had the feeling of a minimum of emotional contact that still aborts before birth, because maybe it's not worth it. I had almost forgotten you and now it starts all over again, the count of days starts again, mine is a life made up of expectations, yours I don't know what it is made of, I'm afraid there aren't even the expectations,
VI
You turned up after two weeks, we started talking a little more seriously on the phone, just a few words, more pauses than anything else, then another call came, you said: "I'll call you back" but, according to the usual script, you didn’t call back. Our phone call lasted 4 minutes and 26 seconds, then there were other things to do.
VII
Why did you call me? You joked, you played, you even provoked. What did you have in mind? You looked like another person. Were you happy or was it just an almost neurotic outburst? Because it's not like you to joke like that. I played the game, or what looked like a game, but the atmosphere was tense, almost a way to test how far I would follow you. I fear moments out of the ordinary, I fear unusual things, I wish they were, but I wish they were true. I was expecting you to propose to see us but it didn't happen and the phone call ended with a brutal: "I have to go to lunch, bye".
VIII
But why are you mad at me? I have tried never to intervene in your choices, or perhaps it seemed to me that I did not intervene. Sometimes I think you don't listen to me and instead you listen to me, but it happens at the very wrong times, and nothing good ever comes to you. After all, we only exchange a few words, how can you feel conditioned by these things? Yes, it is true that you remember the things I say, but you remember them in your own way, you take them for criticism, for ways of dissenting or worse for incoherent sermons. If I think you did right some things, it was anyway you the one who did those things, the one who chose them, I didn't impose anything on you, I didn't condition you in any way. I have never judged your friends, I have not tried to distance you from anyone. Each extra word said can cause misunderstanding. I tell you positive things because I respect you and maybe I love you, even if I feel you are far away. I'm not trying to seduce you, not only I know from the beginning you were going to leave, but I think that basically it has already happened. You consider my behavior strange because I want nothing more from you than what you give me. I don't keep you at a distance to bind you to me, you have to be free. You are a serious man even if very different from me. My frustrations are only mine, I can't blame you for being like that. I keep thinking about you but in another way, I miss you, at least in a sense I miss you, but I no longer have the desire to build something with you that is different from what already exists (and something exists), the rest just doesn't it makes sense because it doesn't exist. You once asked me about some friends of mine that you thought were my ex-boyfriends, but you too are my friend and you are not my boyfriend, you never were, you never felt like my boyfriend and, in my opinion, you did very well, both for you and for me. Friends, even a little distant, we really are, the rest is just some sex, which I don't think was ever exciting for you either, that was just the cover for something more complicated and more convoluted that I can't understand completely, it is that something that is not clear that is probably the real motivation of our relationship, that produces conflicts and problems that are not typical of friendship. I wonder what you think of me, if you've ever asked yourself the problem, sometimes I think you identify me with other people who have had a real weight, I don't know if positive or negative, in your life, and that's why maybe I am worth more as a symbol than as a person. Sometimes I thought that you saw things in me that never really were, both in the negative and in the positive. In any case, the image you have of me is largely a figment of your imagination and I could say more or less the same about the image I have of you. Who knows what you would say if you read this diary. Would you take me for a delusional who fills the notebooks with absurd meditations? Or maybe you would wonder why I write these things? Only one thing is certain, I'll never know.
IX
I haven't heard from you for a very long time, now I don't count the days anymore. Sometimes you come back to my memory, I think that if you have disappeared it means that you are fine and that my function is now exhausted and this thing lifts my spirits. Would I like to go back and restart our story again? No. I say that without an exclamation point. Thinking about you happy, or at least more serene, reassures me. Who knows if we will meet again. The meaning of things can often not be understood. It's okay to forget me but I wouldn't want you to remember me in a negative way. Having had a negative influence would morally crush me.
X
When I heard your voice, I challenged all the certainties that I had built up in so many days. I must admit my wrongs: I didn’t trust you, I let my thoughts run on the usual negative tracks and I took for granted things that seemed obvious to me but were not. The pause was particularly long and therefore anxious but it was just a pause, but I couldn't realize it and I ran to the wrong conclusions, and basically it was a pause that you didn't even want. You have not forgotten about me, it seems almost impossible but you are still here, we are still here. That labile and problematic relationship still exists, it hasn't fallen apart. We talked more than usual and in a very quiet way, I don't know if you were happy to hear from me but at least it seemed to me that you were. At this point even this prudence seems to me out of place, if not completely stupid. You told me that one of these days you will come to see me and I was happy with it, I did not expect a similar speech that was undoubtedly welcome. All the talk, mine and yours, came spontaneously and I wasn't afraid to say wrong things. I cannot deny that I’m happy. It's amazing how a phone call can change a person's mood.
It is true, I had given space to my fears, but you have not disappeared, your presence is direct and simple today as in the end it has always been, while I was only inclined to read the worst in your talks, I interpreted your behaviors as destructive, I projected the worst of myself into you, I lived my relationship with you as a relationship between the worst of me and what I believed to be my best and weakest side, I was killer and victim of myself, in you I embodied the indifferent and destructive spirit that I carry inside me, but you are not the worst side of me, you are another person, luckily you are another person. What drew me to you was your weakness and your availability, under a rough skin. The mistake is to project oneself into the other without trusting him, because this seems the best and almost obligatory choice, it is basically a way of believing oneself better, to think that you understand everything, that you are the paradigm of everything. Today I was happy because I realized that you are not my double in the negative but you are better than me, you have your flaws, but you are different from me and you can understand things that I cannot understand and feel things that I cannot feel. The pauses, even the very long ones, were not a prelude to anything, your claiming your freedom didn’t hide any attempt at abandonment. After all, what is the point of asking if you are or are not my boyfriend? You remember me, you look for me, you are the one who looks for me, I just want to be sought. Thinking about you takes me away from the sense of emptiness. You had patience with me because you saw something good in me, not something strange but something good. After all, our relationship has deep roots, I didn't look for other guys, you did it and I always considered it well done and I pushed aside, but our relationship never got lost, I didn’t want it to be lost, even if I feared it, but it was you who actually prevented our relationship from getting lost in thin air. When words were difficult and complicated between us there was the physicality that spoke. I've never wanted another guy, I just wanted you, even with a problematic relationship, even with so many doubts and uncertainties, but I wanted you and no one else. You've had your stories but there has always been a place for me. You know that I pay attention to your words, that I try to understand you and that I’m happy when I see you. We have never acted and we have never quarreled, because the quarrel leads to detachment and we have never lost sight of each other. Today was a happy day.
XI
I'm fine with you, there is no need for too many words, together we can allow ourselves to be who we are, you a little rough and drastic, I obsessive and sticky, things that we accuse each other of but that we basically accept. I don't even know what I can console you for but I know that you really are there and you know that some of your drastic reactions will be accepted and will not be considered destructive anyway. We put up with each other, but maybe it's not just that. If you wanted to do without me you could very well put me on the back burner, but it never happened and it's so from several years now. I too somehow could do without you, but I'm fine with you, I objectively think I've never found anyone better than you, I dream, I still think in vain, to build a future with you, but it's a dream of my own, I dream of it because you are my private refuge, the one in which perhaps you are not 100% understood but still accepted with that rough politeness that reproaches but without being aggressive, and then your censorship is never radical, in the things I say you at least recognize my good will. You distance yourself but never go too far. Then there is sex which somehow basically represents everything else, it is the will to find a balance and we found it there much more than in words. Sometimes I’m amazed at how, in sex, everything becomes much easier and more direct, I talk about sex with you, because in other situations it didn't happen like that at all. Intertwining hands is a gesture of extraordinary intimacy. There is nothing about you that I don't like and I’m amazed that you find me sexually interesting. Other people also found me interesting from that point of view, but they were people who did not attract me, with you the extraordinary thing was the reciprocity, something that I had never experienced with anyone. Hugging you tightly, feeling that you are really there and that you are comfortable with me is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Spontaneity and simplicity at the same time create the profound union of two people. You have allowed me to have a place in your most intimate world and this no one has ever done as you did, without reservations and without hesitation.
XII
You don't just have me, you also have other guys and it's not for a sexual outburst, you have other guys you love and I see it from the very few things you say about them, it's not a whim, those guys are really important to you more or less like me. On this point I can only reflect with myself, on this I cannot have a comparison with you. Is exclusivity important to the point of influencing everything else? Of course it is an underlying desire that is very difficult to keep under control. Honestly I don't have the impression that you love me less because you have other stories, of course you have to share your time, but I've always known this. Do I feel jealous? Frankly no. There is no couple relationship between you and me, I don't feel betrayed or disappointed, everything was clear from the beginning, no lies, no dust under the carpet, and I don't even think you've experienced your stories as conflicting stories. So I should put the problem aside and just forget about it. Even thinking that you can have sexual contact with other guys doesn’t upset me, because it has certainly happened several times since we met and you have never denied it and in any case we have maintained an authentic emotional relationship with a sexuality that doesn’t seem to me minimally conditioned by either side. Maybe I would like a little more of your time, even though I know this would be a form of selfishness. If I have never worried about these problems before why should I worry about them now? I don't have serious, objective reasons to get myself into such problems, even if underneath I tend to interpret our relationship as something that could (should) become exclusive. I know it will never happen but getting such an idea out of the brain is not that easy. Of one thing I am sure: the absence of exclusivity would never lead me to undermine our relationship.
XIII
I spent a wonderful evening with you! I would say far beyond my expectations. There is only one element that worries me and that is the hypothesis that you have mentioned that you can go to work abroad. You mentioned it en passant, as something that could "also" happen, let's say as a remote eventuality. I was afraid to push the speech further and I was silent. You love your job, no problem with it, but you also love some people, including me. If you leave, you don't just put me aside, but pretty much all the people who really matter to you, at least that's what I see. Work is important, I understand it but a qualitative leap in work would lead you to emotional loneliness. You could certainly create an alternate world elsewhere, this is undeniable but it would take years as it took years for you to create the world you have here. In short, I didn't have the courage to tell you what I think and I don't like that. I shouldn't anymore be afraid to tell you what I think and instead that fear is still there.
XIV
Another wonderful evening with you and without any mention of a possible change of job. From what you say it seems to me that in the job you have now you feel very comfortable. Again I preferred to shut up. I would have gladly asked you for some more clarification on the hypothetical departure but this time too I was afraid and I don't like this. Tomorrow or in any case as soon as possible I have to try to address the issue. Maybe it's best to wait until the next time we meet. Damn! I still let myself be influenced by you!
XV
Really beautiful evening with you. I found the courage and immediately tackled the job issue. You told me that the possibility of going abroad had vanished, I had already understood this from the fact that you hadn't talked about it anymore, then I asked you "But if it the chance hadn't vanished and the possibility of leaving had really been there, would you have accepted?" You said to me with a smile: "Luckily I didn't have to choose, but if I had to, I think I wouldn't have left, because I don't just have a job here ..." Then we had sex and it was a very beautiful, very tender thing, with some smile and a few chuckles when it suited the situation. Our relationship, seen from the outside, is incomprehensible but for us it has an enormous value! And I really mean for us, not just for me!