01-26-2021, 04:02 AM
Hi Project,
I read the Being Gay manual and it was an extremely interesting read, there is a serious scientific approach to issues related to gay life, but I don't want to talk to you about things that are too important, I would like to ask you instead for concrete advice on how I have to behave with my ex-boyfriend who has stopped having relations with me for almost a month. The speech will seem strange to you but it is real, perhaps it is seen a little too much from my point of view, but I will tell you exactly what I think.
I’m a rather calm 34-year-old who, quite simply, had never been too busy looking for a mate, in a sense I had assumed that I would never find one and I had adapted to this idea without too many problems. I know it's hard to believe but that's exactly how it is. Then I met James (not his real name) a guy two years younger than me, who fell in love with me, or at least I thought he was in love with me. I somehow loved him but I don't know if I fell in love with him, because these expressions are peremptory and all-encompassing but at the same time extremely vague if not downright empty.
We got to have sex together, for me it was the first time, for him certainly not. We got there slowly but spontaneously, I was more reluctant, but with him there was no embarrassment. We were good together sexually even though he was a little too pressing according to my lifestyle, but I felt good because there was not only sex between us, we used to talk a lot, understanding each other was something spontaneous between us and in the end I came up to think that in fact we weren't all that different from each other. There was no mutual possessiveness, we had no duties towards each other but we were fine that way.
Then he started other stories, when it happened, paradoxically, I was happy about it both because I saw him happy and because, forgive me the expression, I had got rid of him, who in some way, precisely because of his insistence, had also became a problem because finding a balance point between my way of seeing things and his was not easy at all and misunderstandings and long pauses began to become frequent. I will not go into details out of respect for his privacy.
It was fine to me that he had another life, and also another guy, but after long adventures he ended up getting tired of his partners, or maybe he had fallen in love with impossible people and was disappointed and so he started looking for me again, but he always repeated to me that he was not in love with me and that it was just a question of sex because he would never want to deceive me. At first I thought that sooner or later our relationship would take on an emotional meaning for him too, but over time I realized that it wouldn't happen, that the dialogue was no longer there and that the only point of contact between us it was represented by sex, and even in sex it had to be everything in his own way, not in the sense of strange things but in the sense of only technical sex, without affection, without pampering.
I tried to distance myself, I responded negatively to his requests a couple of times and he told me he had got tired of me and then he disappeared. I haven't called him for a month, but in a few days it's his name day and I thought I'd send him at least my best wishes using a text message, but honestly I don't know what to do. I would like to keep a relationship with him, something to last over time, but I wouldn’t like it to end up in usual mechanisms. I think this is in practice the last chance I don’t say to rebuild something but to leave in a less drastic way.
He is a good guy, and I respect him a lot from many points of view, although I think that, precisely because he always tells me that he is not in love with me, perhaps it doesn’t even make sense to try to maintain a relationship. Sometimes I think that for him I could be more a burden than a positive presence, just like he was perhaps more a concern to me than a dream of love. However, despite all these substantial perplexities, at least from my point of view, our relationship had a profound meaning, because at least at the beginning we understood each other.
However, a deep esteem remains on my part, somehow I love him and I can't consider him as a stranger, he was not the right guy for me, assuming there can be one, but he was an honest, serious guy. Sex for him was never a play, maybe it was a little bit so for me. But why should it always be assumed that having sex is the most important thing in any situation? I've never understood this. He used to think I was embarrassed, too easily inclined to giving up, he thought I had moral scruples or something like that but in reality I would have wanted a quieter sexuality and at least a little affection. I was afraid of diseases and this used to hold me back a lot and he didn’t accept it.
In short, Project, I think I will not forget him anyway, because in practice he has been my only partner and I add, probably the only guy I somehow loved, and after him I just put aside the idea to look for other guys. Something tells me that maybe I would be fine with him, but can you be fine with someone who tells you that he is not in love with you? What do you think about it?