08-18-2022, 12:10 PM
Hello Project,
I found Gay Project forum last night and I was up almost all night reading it, it's really beautiful, a serious thing! That's why I try to write to you because I need to let off steam. I am 19 years old, I recently graduated from high school and I can't wait to start university because I want to start feeling free! I went to a private school and it was a real torture, but now it's over. I'm gay! I say this with great satisfaction at least here! Because at home I certainly couldn't tell. Project, my real problem right now is just one: my parents! I can't stand them anymore. I have to act with them 24 hours a day, they think they have my esteem and respect, but I really can't stand them anymore. They always have the answer for all the questions, obviously the questions they do themselves. They have such a mass of prejudices and conditioning you can't even imagine and they feel to be the living model of tolerance and common sense and then they are of a narrow-mindedness what makes me doubt their own intelligence. It is clear that they were put under by my grandparents and that they did not dare to raise their heads, they got married in an arranged marriage (obviously by my grandparents), I was born not because my parents wanted to bring me into the world but because they had to! They have always lived and still live in my grandparents' house, they are 100% dependent on them. They are deeply convinced that they are the best in intelligence and culture because they have read some books, but if they don't believe in the befana, we are close to it. They have the attitudes of integralist Catholics, but they are very secular and have not even married in church. They think that the laity "never" have prejudices because they don't go to church but they say really monstrous things about gays. They take it for granted that I am straight, also because nothing "gay" has ever entered my house except under a double password on my computer. I leave my mobile phone quietly around, because it is absolutely neutral, indeed there are more names of girls than names of guys, in practice only my classmates with whom I exchanged only school-type messages. I don't have a single gay book, I don't have photos of friends or guys of any kind, I keep my world all to myself! Project, I'm afraid, very afraid, that this trend could continue for years, and for me it would be civil death, the very destruction of my life. At school my conduct was neither straight nor gay but as an average student, also because my male schoolmates, who were only four in number, did not interest me from any point of view, I am not saying that they were stupid, on the contrary they were intelligent but in their own way, which is like saying that they were smart and able to move to achieve what they wanted most, first of all money! But the university must be something different: I have to study, and a lot, to try to free myself from my family as soon as possible, but I also have to look around without fear and without conditioning. I have to start living! I absolutely have to do it, otherwise I burst. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about being able to study with a friend, who may not be just a friend, even taking him home, then I realize that it would be a dangerous game: I want my being gay to be "only mine", it must have absolutely nothing to do with my parents! They have already ruined my life enough! I got the books of the first exams that I will have to do and I started studying. I'm trying hard, my parents see it and think it's a professional choice, but they haven't understood that I started studying now because I want to get rid of them as soon as possible. During the university years I will have to depend on them, but after that they won't see me anymore! I've never had a boyfriend, I dream so much of having one, maybe I dream too much. Reading the forum I realized that there are many gay guys really as I dream of them, and I think I could really make friends with them, but I'm also afraid of meeting people on the net, for me the ideal would be to meet someone at university and maybe study together, then I'll end up accepting what's going to happen anyway. I want to be gay, I want to live my gay life, I want to fall in love with a guy and I dream of being reciprocated. It is difficult, I know, but I want to live my life, I don’t want to be anyone's servant and least of all I would accept being subjected to my parents. From what I have read on the forum there are parents who consider it normal to have a gay son, and this is beautiful, but why didn't such a thing happen to me? Sometimes my father says such nonsense about gays that I don't even hate him, I only pity him. He thinks that being gay is a kind of genetic flaw and that a gay guy suffers a lot from not being able to go with a woman, when he told me this thing, which represented his way of being "modern" and “welcoming” on the subject, I did not retorted, it would have been not only useless but counterproductive, for him a gay guy is one who goes around with lipstick and false eyelashes, and for this reason he never thought that I could be gay. Then my mother is literally spread and glued on what my father says, for her the good wife only has to confirm what her husband says and it is better that she does not have her own brain, because the one of her husband is enough for both, they have never quarreled because my mother literally doesn't exist, she has three or four she friends with whom she is on the phone for hours chatting I don't know about what, because I have listened to the conversations and they don't talk about anything! At my house my grandfather who is 70 years old is in charge and still treats my father like a moron and my father never reacts and makes always as it was nothing, because he is really without dignity. My grandfather is not even rich, the subordination of my parents has no economic reasons, they are subjects by nature, even if they are the champions of secularism. Enough, I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go back studying, at least I do something concrete. Project, if you think it is useful, you can publish the email. Answer me, if you can, I'd love it.
Fabrizio (Invented name)