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GET TO THE AWARENESS OF BEING A GAY IN LOVE AND REDISCOVER SEXUALITY
#1
Hello Project, 
I am a guy 19 years old, people tell me I'm beautiful, I don’t know if it is true, but certainly the girls buzz around me a lot and court me, we can say that I have always considered myself as a hetero, a bit just to say so, in the sense that it’s the girls who run after me and not me who I run after them, however, I had never had the idea of being gay until a few months ago. All my friends see that girls come after me and that I joke a lot with them and consider myself totally straight. 
 
In reality, I have always been little interested in sex. I honestly don’t think I have physical problems, but for me masturbation has always been just half a thing. I've never used gay porn, I really didn’t even think about it, while I used straight porn a lot and looking at the girl and trying to see myself in the guy's place, I could easily get an erection too, and I also came to ejaculation without problems, but in the end I still had a strange feeling, that is, I told myself that if sex is this, all in all, it is a very relative thing.
 
On the other hand, I liked very much to think of tenderness with a girl, of cuddling, but not of really sexual things, I thought that then such things would come by themselves and in the end I didn’t worry too much. With one of the girls I found myself in situations where you could get to have sex very easily because she would be there for sure but I left with an excuse and, frankly, I didn’t regret it.
 
This seems the story of a heterosexual disinterested in sex, speaking clearly, I had come to masturbate once a week and even less but not forcing myself, just spontaneously. Then, in January of last year, as the final exam was approaching, I began to study with a group of friends: two guys and a girl who all lived in my area. The girl had a boyfriend who had nothing to do with us and we can say that with the girl we were only fellow students, in the sense that when we didn’t see each other to study she would go with her boyfriend, we three guys usually spent together also our free time.
 
In practice a beautiful friendship of us three guys: I (Joseph), John and Andrew (fantasy names). John often spoke of girls, Andrew never. At the time I didn’t give any meaning to these things, for me they were just friends. We spent also three days together in the mountains and nothing happened. We studied together, we went out on Sunday and Saturday nights, but everything ended up there. One day, a girl who was not of our group had tried with me but in a way a bit strange for our standards, in practice flirting a bit, which is something that I never endured and I had left leaving her open-mouthed. This fact, but above all the idea of being, if you like, “boarded”, had upset me a bit.
 
In the evening I call Andrew I tell him that there is something I would like to talk about with him but there are my parents at home and the speech is only vaguely mentioned then we pass on msn and we stay chatting until very late, over two o'clock in the night. Andrew didn’t answer me in the usual banal way but tried to make me think, didn’t advise me and didn’t suggest anything but I knew he was listening to me. I was very happy and in the end I told him very clear: "Talking to you tonight made me feel good, I really needed it!" He replied: " I was pleased too, it almost never happens to talk so!" Then we wished goodnight. I felt in a very beautiful euphoric state, I had discovered that I had a real friend with whom I could talk about everything, one willing to listen to me for hours. In short, I began to think that friendship was really an important thing to get better.
 
In the following days I noticed that Andrew of our conversation hadn’t said anything to anyone and I enjoyed it very much. Then we started to talk often on msn, I was waiting to see when he arrived online and if by chance someone else called me I didn’t even answer, I was very well with him.
 
One Sunday that my parents were not home, I ask him if he wants to speak in voice on msn, he says "Yes, of course." I lie on the bed with the headphones on my head and we start talking and there something unexpected happens, that is, I begin to get an erection, I think it is because I have not masturbated for a long time and I don’t give weight to the thing, the conversation proceeds and I wonder what Andrew would think if he knew I'm in that state, but at that time I didn’t suspect at all that he had something to do with my getting an erection.
 
A few days later we are again in a voice-chat and I get another erection even if this time I had masturbated in the usual "poor-hetero" way just the day before. I like Andrew's voice, I like his breaks, I feel like I'm almost courted by Andrew, but very differently from how girls do, it's all extremely slow, then I think about Andrew’s smile that is very sweet and while he talks I let myself go with the imagination, I think I would like to be in intimacy with him, who for me is becoming a very important person, I stay in erection all the time we are on msn but the thing seems natural to me, when we say goodbye it is very late and I go to bed, I masturbate thinking of Andrew leaving the fantasy completely free and there I discover a new world! I live masturbation with a total involvement, something that I never thought could happen to me and I say to myself: "So this is the true sexuality! Now it makes sense! I'm gay!"
 
Believe me, Project, a discovery like this has not in any way challenged me, I told myself that I fell in love with Andrew and that I absolutely want to be with him. The fears are coming later, but not the fear of being gay, I didn’t have it, but the fear of losing Andrew, of putting him in trouble, Project, I loved him at all levels. Since then he has become the only object of my masturbation fantasies and I have rediscovered the sense of sexuality, but there is a “but”, what should I do with Andrew? How should I behave? And now, after two months, I'm still at this point. In Andrew's life, as far as I know, there have been no heterosexual adventures but neither anything that would ever make me think he was gay, just nothing.
 
We continue to hear each other very often, I almost always call him, but if I don’t call him, after two days he calls me and we are on msn for hours, often joking and talking about nothing or just exchanging smiles! Now I feel in a stalemate, now I know I'm gay and it makes me immensely pleased because I finally know that my affectivity and my sexual instincts are just those, but I want Andrew, if I had the impression that he was annoyed or maybe didn’t want to get too involved I would not insist but I don’t have this impression, in some of his hesitations I see that he also is interested and is interested a lot, I don’t know how, whether as a friend or because maybe he fell in love with me too, but I think if he had other people on his mind he would not lose his evenings talking with me. Our (also his) in a sense is the way of making of lovers. What am I doing, Project? I would be led to bypass the deadlock and tell him exactly how things are, but I have a damn fear of losing him permanently, that is, I wouldn’t want to lose him for any reason but I would also like him to be mine in every sense! I feel that there is something important between us!

If you want to publish this mail, the names have been changed, and then I think that things like those that happened to me may have happened to other guys.

Joseph
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