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GAY GUYS SEARCHING FOR TENDERNESS
#1
Hi Project,

we already had the chance to meet in person last summer, you made me have a wonderful tour of the city of Rome with two other guys, and it was a really important experience for me. Today I contact you again to tell you the latest news. It's amazing how things can change quickly! When you're 30, you feel like finished, you think no one can ever be interested in you, or at least no one you are interested in, and you think so because you have a particular way of being gay, that you think unique, and then, all of a sudden you are faced with another guy ... Let's start from here.
 
You had seen my blog, Project, you liked it, but many people considered it stupid, almost childish: a collection of thoughts and even photos of landscapes and animals. You told me that there was nothing explicitly gay and I wanted it to be so, it was neutral at least apparently neutral.
 
One day, when I come back from work, I open the blog and find a series of “like”, all of the same person, they are many and are not random, at least that's how it seems. I don’t know who the anonymous commentator is, the nick is neutral, neither male nor female, the comments are short and it’s impossible to understand the gender of the author, I think it could be a girl, because from my blog it’s clear that I am a guy, so I avoid answering, both by email and commenting in turn the comments. I feel a minimum of pride but then I say to myself that it’s always better not to delude oneself.
 
The following day I find other comments from the same person, also completely neutral. I’m tempted to answer at least one and I do so, even in a very neutral way, but insisting on the idea that the fundamental thing is to love each other and that there are a thousand ways to love. The message was deliberately a little ambiguous.
 
The day after that person had added another comment, only one, and obviously answered what I had written the day before. The comment this time, however, was about twenty lines long and it was a comment with which I felt very consonant, but there was a feature that I could not explain, speaking of love relationships the author used systematically "he/she", A very uncommon use, but also this time the message didn’t allow to understand the gender of the author.
 
In short, it began in this way an exchange of messages on the blog that went on for about twenty days, they were serious messages and all neutral and strictly with that strange "he/she" that I couldn’t understand.
 
Then we decided to go to exchange emails, first through the blog and then just exchanging addresses directly. Our mails were very prudent and formal: mutual respect, never intervene on the counterattack, always education, but also a progressively less reticent sincerity. I was fascinated by that person who, knowing only that I was a 30-year-old guy (the only information that could be deduced from my blog), continued to build an increasingly important dialogue with me.
 
After a couple of months of "neutral" mails one day he wrote me these words: "I would like to have a dialogue with you without reservation but I fear that you might not take it well and this holds me back." I asked him why and he replied: "because maybe you think I'm a girl, but I'm a 26-year-old guy who has found so much tenderness on your blog." I replied in just a few minutes: "I'm so happy you're a guy! This exchange of emails is extremely beautiful and important for me!"
 
The dialogue went on like this for another week, then he wrote to me: "To the point where we are I cannot hide the thing that could be the most embarrassing: I'm gay and I dreamed so much to meet a guy like you. Don’t stay bad, please."
 
I replied: "I'm gay too! And I'm so happy to meet you! I think it's clear enough now that neither you nor I have a boyfriend, it would seem like a fairytale but there is a very huge problem, we don’t know each other personally and many castles in the air could collapse if we meet in person, that's why we need to be very cautious."
 
He replies that he thought a lot about it but that there is also another problem: "we could live perhaps a thousand kilometers from each other, so in the meantime I tell you that I am from the province of Milan." I tell him that I’m exactly in Milan, and so we combine our first meeting in Piazza Duomo.
 
On the appointed day I’m there a quarter of an hour before, I put myself on the agreed point, which he knew well, and I wait. At 16.00 o'clock he appears with the agreed recognition signal: a large envelope of a well-known shop of Milan. I recognize him immediately, he smiles and approaches me, he's really a handsome guy. I smile at him too, the embarrassment is great, after the first pleasantries I ask him: "Are you disappointed?" He replies: "Not at all! And you?" I smile and say: "You're beautiful!"
 
He explains that he comes from (omissis) a small town 30 minutes by train from the central station of Milan, and that he lives a few steps from the train station of his town. In practice it is as if he lived in a district of Milan. All this seems extremely positive.
 
We go around the city, it's a terrible cold, we enter a department store to warm up. He still studies and studies in Milan at the Polytechnic, so he comes to city center every day. I tell him that I work in the office of an accountant and I hope sooner or later to have one of my own, even if it seems very unlikely.
 
We study the timetable of our commitments and it turns out that from Monday to Friday we can have dinner together two nights: Tuesday and Thursday, not at my house because the times and schedules of the trains don’t allow it, but in a pizzeria enough easy to reach for both of us. But he can spend the Saturday afternoons at my house (I rented a small apartment of 30 square meters effective). On Sundays we can instead spend all the day together from morning to night. He cannot sleep at my house because he lives with his family and his parents are very suspicious and they fear he has "a girlfriend" in the city.
 
I can tell you, Project, that I didn’t imagine being able to find a guy so similar to me. We spend the whole Sunday in bed together, a narrow bed but enough for us. At first we exchanged only cuddles, even intimate  ones, but only pampering, so to speak, nothing dangerous. Then we did the HIV test, even if it was absolutely the first time both for him and for me and now we take some more freedom, but among us there is no craving for sex, when we feel the desire of it, then ok, and it's really beautiful, but sometimes we stay in bed to cuddle and it's beautiful all the same. Some Sundays we were together outside Milan to see places that we didn’t know, other times we went to visit museums.
 
I don’t know whether to say that he is my boyfriend, because in fact he is a bit a lover, a bit a brother and a bit another myself. I try to make him feel good because he is about to finish his studies and they are difficult studies, so he must stay calm as much as possible.
 
Once I went to wait for him at the exit of the university, I saw him come with his bag full of books, with his padded jacket, the light trousers perfectly ironed and with the gold goggles, he looked more like a wearer than an engineer, some girls have stopped him, maybe to exchange notes of the lessons but maybe not only for that, those girls are enchanted by him because he is charming and has a smile that tears your soul, some of those girls, perhaps, fell in love with him. I stand on the sidelines without showing myself, I wait for him to be alone, then when he’s alone I approach him and take the heavy bag from his hands. I would kiss him there, in front of everyone, but we cannot and then we just exchange a smile.
 
I'm happy, Project, my world has really changed. Since his first comment on my blog, more than six months have passed and the more time passes, the more my certainty that no one can separate us is reinforced. It's not a fable, Project, it's all extraordinarily true!
 
Paul
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