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+--- Thread: GAY COUPLES BETWEEN HIGH AND LOW (/T-gay-couples-between-high-and-low)
GAY COUPLES BETWEEN HIGH AND LOW - gayprojectforum - 08-21-2022
Hi Project, it's just a week that my story ended with the guy I've considered my boyfriend for years, or something similar. Last Sunday we met and we reached the break, with very few words, there wasn't any need for words .
Today it's the first Sunday I spend alone. It makes me feel weird to be alone, but I don't miss him, if he were here, in all likelihood we would be staring at each other, meditating recriminations of various kind on both sides. Now I’m alone, but I’m no longer pestered and I think he sees things more or less the same way from his own point of view. As for me I'm fine this way, as for him, he certainly will not remain alone.
Project, I'm over 40, he's a little younger and maybe he feels like starting over or he's fine too, now that I'm still on vacation I prefer to sleep a lot, to rest, I want to avoid thinking and above all dreaming, because the vice of dreaming and projecting led me not to see or rather not to understand the meaning of what I was told in all sorts of ways, that is: "I don't want a relationship with you but only sex!" Basically the message was clear, but I said to myself: “He says so, but this is not what he thinks within himself…”
But when two guys are looking for different things, what can they do? Obviously we exploit each other, he is with me only for sex and I adapt, I play the part of the lover, but in fact I’m disappointed because I don’t find what I’m looking for and he, at his turn, allows me to carry on at least a little bit of my script, and in the end we are discontented in two.
We tried other times to break up our relationship, but then, a little bit him and a little bit me, we ended up adapting ... once, twice, three times ... and each time the situation seemed worsened. Eventually we realized that we were each looking at things exclusively from his own point of view. He tells me that I’m selfish, that I don’t take into account his needs and it may be true, but he doesn’t realize that he does exactly the same things and even worse, he demands, scolds, judges, he always feels a notch higher of me, he always has the ready and cutting answer on everything, but he doesn't understand that his logic only makes sense to him.
I think that to get along you have to find and value what is really common between two people, without trying to impose your own models of life on your partner. He is not exactly declared 100% but almost, and it seems intolerable to him that one could try to defend one's privacy. He has a taste for almost aggressive and certainly disturbing provocation.
One evening in the pizzeria there was a lot of people and he starts talking, I don't say aloud but in a way that you could hear, about sexual things, not on a theoretical level, but just addressing me in first person and putting me in an absurd embarrassment. I motioned him to stop but he continued to challenge me, to see how far he could pull the rope ... and I left, because in public a minimum of respect is needed. It took us 15 days to get over this misunderstanding, if we want to call it so, and in the end we got back together but I'll never go get pizza with him again.
If I propose him something that he knows I care very much, he calmly tells me that he will not do it because he will never do a thing to please other people. After all, I just asked him to accompany me to buy a bicycle, but he didn't and he stressed a lot that he didn't. This really bothered me, because it is a way of asserting oneself, of asserting one's power, it is the pleasure of saying no.
When he leaves my house, if I ask him to text me when he gets home, he replies that he won't send me anything because asking for a text message for fear that he may not get home makes no sense.
Another thing I can't stand is the tendency not to understand that one can really be afraid of sexually transmitted diseases, if you want to get to certain behaviors or you have a condom or it’s better to avoid, he can't stand this, he tells me that I treat him as if he had the plague. I tell him that if he goes with other people it seems obvious to me to be cautious and he gets angry and leaves without saying a word and slamming the door (not too forcefully). On the things of sex he insists, I tell him no, but he doesn’t understand and insists, to the point of becoming unbearable.
Now all this is over or seems over, because things like this have happened many times in the past and then we have stitched them up. This time it seems that we are really at the end, but you never know. If this is the definitive break I will put my soul in peace, but if it is not definitive, I don’t know how to go on ... because sooner or later (very soon) everything will start again as before, he will get angry, we will come to mutual accusations, and I, again, I can't wait to be alone.
I expect him to take the first step and I mean a step back, then it will end in inevitable verbal scuffle between us, followed by reconciliation. I have to admit that he is always the one who seeks reconciliation, and this relieves me of the risk of him saying no to me. Of course, even though I know things will continue as before, I always tell him yes, and so we are all over again. I don't know if all couples are like that.
Many times I wished to be alone, but I ended up staying with him anyway. He also has other friends (and not only friends) who keep him company, and it could have been convenient for him to get rid of a ball and chain like me (because that's how he says he sees me), but in the end he always tried reconciliation by his own initiative . They are complex dynamics.
The way he does things irritates me, it makes me angry. He says that I live with a lot of stupid fears, that I’m full of complexes, that I always run away, that I don't speak clearly.
We both have very valid reasons for wanting to free from each other, to free ourselves from a companion, a partner, a particular friend, who doesn’t correspond to our standards but in the end we remain glued to each other.
He says that every time I speak about to get rid of our story I do it just to gain some space, because I would never find another guy like him! Will he show up again this time? I think so and maybe I also hope so ... we'll see.