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A HAPPY GAY MAN - Printable Version

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A HAPPY GAY MAN - gayprojectforum - 02-21-2022

Hi Project,
there are moments in life when you understand that your choices were the right ones and that you were right to follow your path, that is your instinct, to the end, without being distracted by anything or anyone. At nearly 40, I feel like a happy man. I've been in love with a guy for years, sometimes being near him kept me anxious, sometimes I didn't know what to do, but now, 15 years later, I think our story was not the fulfillment of my wishes but I would say a lot of more. He made me understand what it means to love each other. Lately our relationship is something indescribably beautiful, we love each other, between us there is an excellent sexual understanding, I never thought that such happiness could have been achieved. I've always been looking for guys, but it had never happened to me that someone really fell in love with me, that is, that he loved me as “he” did. My happiness is not my merit, I tried to escape, to get away, sometimes I did not understand him and I was almost afraid of him, but he has curbed my escapes with sweetness, he is a truly unique man, with a sweetness that displaces you, he is generous, when we are making love and he looks into my eyes I melt and I think I never imagined I could find someone like him. I had had other guys, but for both them and me it was a way to fill the time, it was a way to build a relationship because then I had the myth of the gay relationship and I had other myths of various kinds in mind too, in layman's terms, I didn't understand anything about love. I have my limits and my flaws, I've never been a nice guy, at best passable, normal, but nothing more, but he fell in love with me just the same. He understands me, he knows that I have my limits and he accepts them, when he is with me he is fine with me and I see it not only when we make love, but also when we talk about something else. He feels that I love him and there are moments of intense communication between us. When we met we both felt a powerful attraction made of sex but also of personal esteem, he seemed interested in me above all for sex, I, even if I tended to run away because I thought he would never take me seriously, I was strongly attracted to him because I saw that he instead took me seriously in an absolutely unique and special way, even if apparently everything seemed to be based on sex, besides, he was my ideal model of guy and I instinctively felt that I wouldn't want anyone else if I couldn't be with him. At first, being with him seemed like the classic pipe dream, because he's not only handsome, but he's sweet and he's a man, not a puppet, he has his own brain and soul that make you fall in love. I have always been in love with him, but at the beginning with some hesitation and anxiety, now instead I feel totally fulfilled, you know, precisely those things of physical instinct, when one strikes you deeply, because perhaps what amazed me most it was the fact that he was really attracted to me, and it was the first time I ever felt attracted to a guy who really wanted me. It was as if there was something between us that prevented any possible breakup of our relationship, whatever happened there could be a break but never a breakup. He never forgot about me, anyhow I always let him free and kept myself a bit on the sidelines, but he always looked for me. We have had our stories with other guys but none of these stories have ever really pushed us away from each other. Over the years, slowly and not without jolts, but progressively more and more seriously, I learned from him the value of sexuality, which I tended to belittle and he learned from me that saying "I love you" may not be a saying. We progressively adapted to each other, we learned from each other and we kept our relationship strong even in the difficult moments that were inevitable, because we both had other ideas on our minds at the time, then we did not have the perception that what held us together would become the determining force of our life. Then, month after month, and even day after day, so many other things that previously seemed fundamental vanished as our relationship strengthened because we realized how important we were to each other, that is because we realized the fact that relationships with other guys could falter and collapse, but our relationship would have remained strong and would never collapse because we really loved each other. I feel him extraordinarily close, being with him seems to me the most beautiful thing in the world. When he calls me I feel in Heaven just seeing his name on the smartphone screen, I feel happy just hearing his voice, when he comes to see me I feel transported into a dimension of total involvement and at the same time I don't feel anxiety but only a sense of gratification, because there is no longer the fear that something could go wrong, because now misunderstandings are a memory of the past that little by little has vanished into the mists of memory. Note that we are not dependent on each other, we are not attached like oysters to the rock, we are totally free, even if we love each other. Freedom and loving each other are two things that can coexist very well. Our love is not a kind of half loving each other. I am deeply in love with him, he does not use these words, but when we are together he feels totally involved, understood and accepted and I can see it clearly, he feels at ease, he does not play a script, now I am part of his daily life as he is part of mine, but this means that I consider him as a part of me and I see that I’m really important to him. At the beginnings, he did not like gestures of tenderness, or better he accepted them and perhaps he desired them but he didn’t like to put such gestures in practice himself, now he has learned to understand them and has developed his own non-verbal affective language. It is beautiful when, remaining silent, he looks me straight in the eye as if to say: "Come closer!" or, after sex, when he stays with his eyes closed and makes the gesture of sending me a kiss or when he stares at me, squints and laughs, or when he hugs me with all the strength he has. It is beautiful when he allows me to stroke his hair or squeeze his hands tightly. It is beautiful when he calls me to propose to meet at my house, basically to have sex together, and you feel that he is happy with my clear and always positive and indeed enthusiastic response. I trust him and he is totally aware of it, there is no need to even say it, he has never disappointed me and he has never told me one thing for another. I try to make him feel that I love him but he knows it very well. He is much taller and stronger than me but he is extremely delicate, when we shake hands he adjusts his strength to mine. In sex our mutual involvement is total, there is not  even the least embarrassment, everything is spontaneous, there is nothing due or taken for granted. When we are in bed together we don't talk, there is no need for words, we have our own language made up of minimal gestures. After sex we stay naked on the bed talking about other things and I see him calm, determined in his facing the future but not anxious, I see him operational, rational, capable of managing problems and also of giving me confidence, and he understands how much I need it. Our physical contact is not only sexual, we often caress and shake hands even as a simple gesture of tenderness. Between us we don't talk about the problems of everyday life, each of us handles his little problems as he wants, we talk about the more serious problems instead, but we don't talk about them obsessively, but generally we don't even need to talk, we sit on the sofa and stay hugging each other to feel each other's warmth and to caress each other, many times this way we get to sex but many times we don’t but we feel good anyway, I know that he is there and that he wants to be there and he has the same certainties about me. Even just five years ago, I would not have imagined our relationship developing up to this level. I wished that things could take this path but I still had doubts that it would actually happen. The past five years have been the real flowering of our relationship. I got rid of conditioning and preconceptions that held me back a lot and I saw that he was really happy, because in some way I too was making his dream come true. He radically changed my life, he was a ray of sunshine, a rush of spring that entered my world and transformed it into a beautiful world. I try to follow him, I take him as a model but above all I need his presence, I can't wait for him to call me and come to me. When I think the day is approaching, I polish the whole house, wax the floors, wash the window panes, iron the sheets and pillowcases and perfume them lightly, so that the day when he comes to me he can find everything perfect and in order. He encourages me not to let things go and to keep everything in order. My secret dream would be that he would stay at my house for one night, because that way he could feel my home a bit like his home, I would like to cook for him, let him find dinner ready when he gets back from work, but he lives far away and these things are difficult to put in practice. We are no longer boys and I am sorry but at 40 I can say that I am a happy man.