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GAYS AND STRAIGHT FRIENDS - gayprojectforum - 10-02-2021

Hi Project,

a few days ago I was struck by a sentence on an email from a guy who said that his boyfriend must first of all be a true friend. I have had guys and also friends, but I don't know how many of them were also true friends, probably very few. I said a banality, I know, I think that true friendship is a rare thing anyway and this is the core of my speech.
 
I know well that I don't have to expect too much from anyone because I also think I have been a disappointment for almost all of my guys, if not all of them, at least sometimes, and also for my friends. After all, all this discourse only serves to demystify falls in love and friendships, especially those not tested, and to understand that happiness or its less mythical substitute can be found above all in everyday life and in the banal, as long as it is not too much banal.
 
We must console ourselves with what is there, which is not necessarily very little. But this also means starting to give a value to many things that were not seen before because the myth of overwhelming and total things polarized our attention so much that we didn't see anything else.

I will certainly not tell you an overwhelming love story, which is not something that suits me, and then there are too many of them around, but I’ll only tell you a small story of respect and affection between two people who didn't merge their lives, who indeed continued to go their separate ways, but found in those ways an added value because they met.

Project, I'll tell you about my friendship with a guy, but it could also be a girl, here, finally, sex has nothing to do with it! For heaven's sake, I have nothing against sex, but it often promises things that it doesn't deliver at all, which doesn't mean it's always a disappointment, just that it probably promises too much. On the other hand, some friendships promise nothing, they are small things but they help you to move forward and understand many aspects of life.
 
In April 2011 I’m 26 years old, I lived all the classic experiences typical of gay guys: isolation within the family, parents who don’t know and wouldn’t understand, friends who don’t know and who wouldn’t understand, etc. etc., so much fantasy, so much pornography, so many stories read on your forum, so many half stories mentioned more than started and so many half disappointments.
 
Among my friends there is one with whom I feel at ease, his name is Guido, we have known each other since school. He speaks little and also rather slowly, he doesn’t speak like a machine gun, he is always calm but I think he’s very restrained and a bit neurotic, he isn’t a leader, he doesn’t participate much in discussions, he listens and remembers but he doesn't tell you what he thinks. At the university we did very different faculties, I towards the juridical, he towards more scientific things.
 
He is the only ex-school friend of mine with whom I maintained contact throughout the period of the university, not a special contact, but we met more or less every month and we went to get a pizza together talking about this and that. The conversations weren't so particularly involving, we didn't end up talking about personal things, we talked a little bit of politics, and there we understood each other enough, and we talked even a little bit of his and my study stuff. We didn't use to go on talking for long at the end of the pizza , we just said goodbye and went home, everything was apparently very banal.
 
I specify that Guido in my opinion is not a handsome guy, I have never been interested in him from that point of view. I didn't know anything about his private life, that is, I didn't know if he was gay or straight and I've never wondered, especially since we never talked about those topics. When we talked, I was happy, because I knew I was going to have a quiet evening. When he saw me less calm he encouraged me but in a generic way, he didn't ask me questions, he was very respectful of my privacy and on the other hand he never talked to me about his.
 
When he called me on the phone he was very concise and in any case he rarely called me, usually he called me, I never called him because I knew that sooner or later I would hear from him. In those years I lived my first stories with guys alternating highs and lows on the roller coaster of love. Sometimes I wanted to talk about these things with Guido, then I told myself that he wouldn’t understand and I let it go, my relation with Guido were something apart, not intertwined with my love life.
 
One evening we go out for the usual pizza and I notice that he wears a wedding ring on his finger, not a simple band ring, but a classic wedding ring of a traditional type, I ask him why and he tells me that he got married 15 days before but he didn't tell me anything about not to make me feel obliged in any way, I’m perplexed that he only told me it after the fact, but he immediately changes the subject and proposes something that I would never have imagined, that is, he proposes me to go to dinner one evening at his house, I understand that he cares a lot and I accept, but then he changes the subject again and we end up talking about the usual things.

The next week I go to his house for dinner, he introduces me to his wife, Lucia, a very pretty young girl, who treats me very familiarly and puts me at ease in a way I never imagined. Guido and Lucia are a quiet couple, I would say that the air you breathe in their home is one of serenity. Dinner is excellent and very familiar and the conversation is light and pleasant, basically a nice evening.

At the end Guido accompanies me to the car and I tell him: "I was really good and I'm happy for you and for Lucia!" And I tell him with full conviction, he reads it in my eyes and smiles at me, there I realized that he really cared about my opinion. Then we said goodbye in the usual way. In the following months we continued to see each other with the usual rhythms, in practice nothing has changed between us with his marriage.
 
In the meantime, I had begun the longest and most tormented of my stories with a guy (Lucio). I didn't say anything to Guido about Lucio, partly because I wanted those things to remain mine and I also wanted to behave with him as he had behaved with me, and partly because I didn't know how he would react.
 
In March 2018 the story with Lucio went into crisis and I fell into a very black period. Guido noticed it, he understood that something had happened that had put me in crisis, I realized it because he was more considerate of me, he called me more often on the phone even though he had become father twice and had to think about family.
 
One night we go out at a time when I was really in trouble and he simply says to me: "What happened?" I tell him: "I broke up with my boyfriend ..." He’s not in tha least upset but remains silent waiting for me to tell him the rest and then I go ahead, he doesn’t interrupt me. In the end he just says to me: "Don't blame Lucio, he may not have understood anything and he could feel bad too ..." This last thing made a light bulb turn on in my brain and I asked him: "What would you do?" He replied: "I would call him immediately." I told him: "Now?" And he replied: "Yes".
 
I took my cell phone, left the pizzeria and immediately called Lucio. Lucio was in a crisis worse than me and it was evident that we were both happy to hear from each other again. After 40 minutes I saw Guido leave the pizzeria with two takeaway pizzas, he gave one to me and said in a whisper: "I'm going on foot, take care of Lucio! ..." I continued talking to Lucio and in the following days we started again to see each other and in the end it was a positive thing, because not Lucio nor I were at ease with each other  and above all for reasons of stubbornness. The problems with Lucio were resolved, at least on that time, and we both regained some serenity.
 
About a month later I saw Guido again and I told him that the problem with Lucio was over, he just said to me: "I'm glad." And he smiled, then we talked about something else. The problem that I and Lucio were two guys was never taken into consideration, for Guido it was completely irrelevant. Guido is not the one who listens to my love problems, but one whom I trust and who often understands me on the fly without me even needing to speak, he plays down things even by not talking too much about. He doesn’t like the blah blah, he is operative, if you have to do something, for him, you just have to do it, without starting to think about it in vain.
 
I recently went to his house for dinner and I saw that he has a way of treating Lucia that enchants me, he is not expansive but reassuring, he is the man of doing more than talking, when I arrived he was in the kitchen with Lucia and they were cooking together. If I have to think of a model of a happy couple I think of Guido and Lucia, they are straight, ok, they have children, but above all they don’t create stupid problems, they talk little and commit themselves together. I'm sorry to say, but among gays such a thing is quite rare, although I think it is rare even among straight people.
 
I would like my relationship with Lucio to be similar to that of Guido and Lucia, but we are not at that level, we are still two cockerels pecking each other or two boys who have not grown up who have kept the habit of fighting each other. Slowly we are learning but I think the road will still be long. Lucio is a bit jealous of Guido and I tell him: "But Guido has a wife and two children!" and he replies: "Mh ... It may be, but I don't think you're telling me the truth!" and then he laughs and chases me around the house.

The technique of not speaking which is typical of Guido also works between me and Lucio, Lucio likes to talk, but now he talks less and between us there are more affectionate gestures, when he comes to me we go shopping together at the supermarket (a small supermarket) and the ladies we meet look at us with curiosity, because they are not used to seeing two men together in the supermarket doing their shopping, at one point I feel a little too observed by an elderly lady and I feel a little embarrassed, and so, to get out of the embarrassment and even a bit 'to laugh, I try to make me or him look like a young dad and I tell him aloud: "Remember to take the diapers!" And he replies: "But you don't need it!" And the lady looks at us very puzzled!

I conclude here, of course, Project, do what you think of the email, the names are all fictional.