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GAY SEX AND TIREDNESS - Printable Version

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GAY SEX AND TIREDNESS - gayprojectforum - 09-27-2021

I’m writing to you because I feel strange and cannot speak to anyone. I’m a forty-year-old who has been living for 15 years with a partner who is a little younger than him (not even two years). Our coexistence was very beautiful, essentially the best thing in my life, and it went on for 15 years, but for almost a year now it has begun to create some difficulties for me. When we met we were both young and beautiful, maybe I was a little less beautiful than him, but he liked me right away and our story began because he was the one who wanted it to start. 

Fifteen years have passed, he is now a little less young and perhaps a little less attractive than 15 years ago but he has a look and a way of doing that are the image of health, in practice you could easily consider him ten years younger, I, on the other hand, had my serious health problems which I have overcome, but created and create still now a lot of problems. In practice, from the outside I still look like a nice and young guy but my health problems are always there. You might think I'm writing to you about his cheating with guys younger and much bolder than me, but we've been a strictly monogamous couple for at least ten years, and I see it from the fact that he has a lot of sexual activity with me, and the problem, incredibly, is just that. 

Keep in mind that I'm still in love with him and that I love him, I like him or rather I liked him a lot, not that I don't like him anymore today, but he doesn't realize that I can't stay at his level, he tells me that I shy away from him, that I look for excuses with him, that I keep him at a distance, in reality it is that sometimes, for me, having sex with him is really stressful, not on a psychological level, but precisely in the sense of tiring on a physical level and he does not understand this. He, at 38, does 40 push-ups in a row, I can't even lie down on the ground, but if I try to tell him such things I can't do it, he doesn't believe it and feels obliged to stimulate and provoke me, as if I were missing some sexual motivation. 

When I tell him I can't do it he is very upset, he doesn't treat me badly, he has never done it, but he thinks that I don't do my best to follow him and to help him realize is wishes. He tells me that I’m 40 years old and that I cannot fail to rise to the occasion and he takes himself as an example of a healthy and sporty life, as if my physical decline was due to my lack of commitment to sports activities. I tell you that sometimes I begin to fear him, or better not to fear him, no, let's say I begin to fear his reactions a little and feel conditioned. 

It would be so easy to understand how things are and maybe settle for what I can do without having to face too many problems, but this doesn't happen, he still sees me as a handsome, young and above all performing guy just like him, but I'm not like that at all. We have been living together for 15 years, I don’t think he has in mind to send everything to hell, if we have gone on for 15 years there will also be a reason beyond sex. The fact is that I don't want to see him react like a beaten dog. Sometimes I think he would need someone like him or a younger one, capable of staying at his level. Since he can afford to do whatever he can think of, given that his physique supports him in any case, he thinks it is the same for everyone. 

I hope he comes to understand that his model doesn’t fit everyone, because otherwise I would find myself living with a man who is not only dissatisfied, but convinced that he has been rejected by the man he loves. Sometimes he is jealous, which seems incredible to me, he asks me questions about our friends, he asks me if I have a secret cell phone, because he thinks that my tiredness comes perhaps from the fact that I go to have sex with someone while he is away, something that has never passed through the antechamber of my brain. 

I feel very discouraged by his attitudes and I don't know what to do because when I try to explain to him how things are he silences me and gets angry as if I were trying to make him digest the idea that he no longer interests me, which is absolutely not true. Sometimes I tried to talk to him seriously and, on the spot, he listens to me and he seems to have understood, then the next time we are all over again at 12 and he starts again with the idea that I don't try hard enough and that I say too many words and do very few facts. The fact that we are practically the same age for him means that we our bodies are essentially the same and that I can, or better could, automatically do what he can do. In short, he thinks that the will is enough to do everything, because in his case it is really enough, but in mine it is not enough at all. 

Among other things, he knows about my health problems and tends to minimize them or rather to insist that I, with my attitude, end up exaggerating the negative aspects and precluding me many things that are taken for granted for him. I don't know if this problem is an objectively stupid problem, but it is certain that it ends up affecting above all our sexuality, I feel judged, he considers me a renouncer who thinks he is old when he is not at all, but it is not a question of age but of health and he doesn’t understand this. I'm fine with him and I don't think I'd be better with anyone else and he knows it, sometimes, when we have a little quieter sex, I feel very at ease and it's a really beautiful thing, but when he starts in the fourth he expects me to to follow him step by step and I get tired and he doesn't understand it and scolds me, then he makes a rant, then he regrets it and tries to downsize. 

What can I do? Sometimes I'm really discouraged. I would just like to see him happy. Sometimes he comes home in a great mood, we start having sex and everything seems to be fine, if I try to tell him that I can hardly keep up with him, the spell collapses and the evening ends in sulking. These are not tragedies, I know, but they are certainly misunderstandings, in the end they don’t create a great discomfort but I begin to be afraid of having sex with him because the possibility that it starts well and ends badly is very real. Sometimes the outcome of all this is that I feel guilty and I think that the fact that I'm at least in some sense afraid of him prevents me from really making him understand how things are. 

Let me be clear, we love each other, of this I have no doubts, but sometimes I start to think that he may feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes I think with terror about what would happen if I were no longer in such physical condition as to be able to have sex with him, even if in a minor tone, and I think it would be hard for him to understand why. There is communication between us, we talk often and even seriously but on this specific point dialogue is difficult. For several years he has considered me a partner up to the occasion and cannot accept the idea that this is no longer the case. Perhaps this is a consequence of a really strong sexual relationship that lasted for several years. 

I think I will age much faster than him and that these problems may become less and less easy to manage. In the last days (three or four) he hasn't taken the sexual initiative anymore, maybe not to get me in problems, I don't think he did it to punish me because he never did things like that, but I too avoided to take the sexual initiative and we went to sleep without any sexual involvement and this, for us, it is not a normal thing. I would take the initiative, but I would like sex to be a calmer thing and more suitable for me, but I know that such a thing would disappoint him, however I cannot let other days pass and tomorrow I will take courage. Not that I'm sorry to move towards his direction, on the contrary, far from it ... however it is a pity that for him cuddles are trivial or a little more! 

There’s one thing I can do when I’m in bed with him, I can speak less, because in certain moments words can be dangerous, this I think would be useful and it would also be easy to achieve. Sometimes, after a night of sex, I feel exhausted and the next day, when the alarm goes off, I struggle to get up. I'm sorry I'm not at his height but there is nothing I can do to change the situation, I would certainly like to be as he would like, that is, as I was until a few years ago, because this would put him in a good mood, anyhow such things will not put us in crisis. At some point I begin to think that I might as well force myself a little more to please him, but I'm afraid I don't have the physical stamina to do it and perhaps this way I could slip another step down. 

I have been thinking for some years now that our youth is over, or at least mine, and that we are now middle-aged men, but he still sees himself as a boy, he has a boyish way of doing, that in a sense fascinates me, but in another also scares me. He tells me that I get obsessed with old age, he instead completely ignores the idea, and blessed is he who can do it! He also tells me that I act as a victim, maybe it is even a bit true, but I think only marginally. Maybe I'm really starting to feel old inside, apparently I'm not yet and he only looks at the appearance, it's a shame he doesn't notice the rest. 

I’m attaching my contact details [... omitted ...] in case you would like to have a chat. Obviously with the email you can do whatever you want, that is, you can also put it in the forum, if you don't see it too strange.