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A GAY COUPLE AT THE TURNING POINT - Printable Version

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A GAY COUPLE AT THE TURNING POINT - gayprojectforum - 06-14-2021

Today is a turning point. I made love with my boyfriend, but this is not the turning point, we have made love many times even before, the turning point lies in the fact that we have not only made love but we have also talked very seriously about the future, about his future, which in a sense is also mine. I say he is my boyfriend, but in reality he is not a boy but a man who always amazes me and is the most important person in my life. We are not a couple in the classic sense of the word, but in our way we love each other, he has a life of his own, which I respect, even with other people but we have known each other thoroughly for years now and we know we can count on each other. The more time passes the more he allows me to enter his life. Today I can say that there has been an evolution in our relationship. At the beginning but even in the first years I was not sure that things would take this path, I hoped and thought it but there was no security, then slowly things became more and more complex. Both he and I we have been offered interesting but also very uncertain work opportunities  and we had to face very stressful situations because of concern about work and health and we both grew up. Probably these things made us rediscover the meaning of being in two, of not being alone in the face of difficulties. Before we were very centered on ourselves and on our psychological problems, then we were absorbed by work and health problems and we learned not to be demolished by difficulties. In certain periods I have really suffered, because he tried to keep me out of his worries so as not to burden me with part of his problems and prevented me from venting to him, so as not to be overwhelmed by my problems himself. Basically it was a sensible attitude, because neither I could solve his problems nor he could solve mine. When we met it was all about sex and only that, as if everything else had been removed, and that made me uncomfortable. Then slowly things changed, we both entered adult life, with all its complications and gradually we tried to find a balance, both between us and with respect to the needs and problems of work. I was wondering what feelings and what fears he carried inside and slowly he began to open up also from that point of view, he had more patience with me, he no longer got angry and no longer kept me at a distance. Sex between us has also changed meaning, it has become something less standard, less technical, we have found our balance without forcing of any kind, I see him at ease, before, during and after, something that months ago didn't happen at all. I think we have now found a balance as adult men, which is quite another thing, the psychological problems have almost completely vanished. We both have health problems that are not small and problems related to the precariousness of work and we must make choices that could affect our lives. He could go to work abroad for a few years but I see that he doesn't like the idea of a total emotional uprooting in the name of work, he has to make important choices and unfortunately he has to make them in the dark. He told me that a friend of his moved abroad and his girlfriend followed him and I don't think he told me it by chance, in my opinion it was a kind of half invitation to do the same. I have been saving money for three years to set aside a sum that allows me to follow him abroad. My job is less qualified than his and I would have no big problems following him because I think I would also find work abroad without too much difficulty. I’m not his whole emotional life but I think I’m at least a relatively important element of stability. I really dream of a life with him, I don't know how possible it is, but I wouldn’t like to be with anyone else, I have never even had the fantasy of putting myself with another man, because he, in his own way, of course, is always there for me. I don't even know if I would prefer a classic coexistence. I’m not upset by the idea that he can also be well with other people, the relationship we have now has lasted for years and is becoming more and more serious. In fact, there is really a deep contact between us at all levels. At first I thought that time would wear out our relationship but exactly the opposite happened, I had a lot more doubts before than now. Now I have definitively put aside the idea that our story can end and over time our relationship has consolidated. I realize that he too sees that things have changed and have changed for the better. Now, if I see him worried, we'll talk about it, it's true that in the end I don't know what to tell him anyway, that is, I don't know how to give him concrete advice because I don't know his working world. I still have some fear to tell him directly that I would be willing to follow him everywhere. I was close to him when he was really in terrible conditions and he trusted me and I saw him climb the slope step by step and every step he took was also my happiness and this both in health and in work. For me, the fact that he succeeds in making his dreams come true is more important than the fact that I succeed, because I consider him a part of me. And if my life makes sense, it's because he has never disappeared, he has never been aggressive with me. Maybe he would have wanted me to be different from how I am, less anxious and more operational, but then he took me as I am and when I was in a crisis with him, he prevented me from going my own way, put his pride aside and got me made it clear that he loved me like no one ever did. He is not the man of compliments and nice words, he speaks little, he is very disenchanted, he would never tell me that he has faith in me, he has come to tell me that he loves me but only as a reply to my identical affirmation towards him, I cannot hope that he will take an initiative of this kind, he uses his cell phone very little and doesn’t use text messages at all, if he wants to be present he comes in person and never warns before. When we are together I see him very involved. Years ago I thought that sooner or later he would get tired of me, but nothing similar ever happened. My trust in him has increased a lot over the years, now I think he is able to make his choices in a very conscious way and I think that my presence, in those things, is only a marginal argument, I serve, if ever, to give him courage to encourage him to try. When he is too lonely he tends to get depressed and feel like a man who is not worth much. When he is with me he tends to curb my enthusiasm and to emphasize that the problems are many and the certainties very few, but he listens to me. He knows that I think he is a serious and honest man, and in recent months when we have been together we have been really good and above all we have spent more time together, we have talked a lot and very seriously. Before when he came to me I felt a little embarrassed, now it doesn't happen anymore, it seems to me a normal and consolidated reality of my life and I see him perfectly at ease. For me it is a huge satisfaction, it is not a real coexistence but it is the best possible coexistence. I often think I was lucky, I think I could never have found something better, I really think so and he knows it, maybe this is the very basis of our relationship, we started with sex and at first it seemed like we would only limit ourselves to that. Then little by little we got used to the presence of each other, between us we always diminished the meaning of our relationship in words, we kept the level of expectations low but we realized every time that the substance went well beyond the stated limits. Of course he has always felt free, he would never have accepted any bond, but in the end I felt him always present, more or less neurotic, more or less anxious, but he was there. I knew that every eight or ten days I would see him again even though we never made an appointment for the next time. I knew that he could make a mistake in approaching me, that the evening could end with a dark moment of his, and it happened, but I knew that eight or ten days later I would see him again, that the storm would pass without a trace or rather taking away a lot of melancholy. When I was young and thought about what it could mean to have a boyfriend, I imagined something completely different, much less complicated but also much more trivial. The fact that he didn’t let me go, that is, he didn’t allow me to destroy everything for more or less stupid claims of principle, that he never abandoned me to my fate, as everyone I had known before him did, was of enormous value to me. I felt stronger because I was close to a real man, who had made his choices, one who wouldn’t have left me to myself. You know that he is there, he has been there for years and will continue to be there. Speaking with my friends I realize that they don’t understand me, that they consider me a weak incurably romantic, a kind of Pierrot in love with the Moon, they don’t understand that he really is there, it is his physical presence with very few words that succeeds to make me happy. I can't make him happy in the same way, but when he is with me he feels protected, he knows he is loved, you can see it in his eyes and I don't need anything else.