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ATTRACTION AND REPULSION BETWEEN GAY GUYS WHO HAD BEEN LOVERS - Printable Version

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ATTRACTION AND REPULSION BETWEEN GAY GUYS WHO HAD BEEN LOVERS - gayprojectforum - 12-26-2020

Hi Project,
first of all Merry Christmas! We are all a bit stuck for the pandemic and it is a bit like Christmas was to be celebrated more lightly, so to speak. How are you spending Christmas? Alone, I bet! But do well, because the risks are great.
 
I'll tell you a few things, so you’ll spend some time reading and I'll spend some time writing.
 
I'm 36, I don't like parties, I'm like a bear and I love living in the den. Yesterday I spent the day replying to a lot of people who have wished me Merry Christmas, but 99% of them have a mailing list and the wishes are automatic, I understand this because they are very standard messages, and this makes me a little melancholy. Then there are also the messages from true friends, which are very few, and which this year I have basically only heard by phone. I have never liked responding to all these messages, most of which come from business contacts, and that's why I don't like the holidays, but the holidays this year have made me understand many things.
 
I have had three stories of a certain importance, I mean stories with guys, of two of them I have not known anything anymore, with the third (actually it was the first) I maintained a certain relationship, in the end I have always cared about him, even if in the end both of us made our own lives. But our contacts, after we broke up, have always been evanescent, almost ambiguous. The other two have disappeared, he has not, let's say that he has "almost disappeared" and perhaps he too has some interest in me, but the trouble is that we never really understood each other. The risk of misunderstanding, of not really understanding each other, or of understanding one thing for another, I perceive it very clear.
 
I never understood if he had or still has some project about me, it's all played on the unspoken, it's all played on allusions, on saying half a word and then immediately going back, on taking the intentions of the other for granted even when the other hasn’t said or done anything clear, and I fear very seriously that he can mistake some of my reluctances for refusals, because many times I fear him even a little that is I’m almost afraid of him, in a good sense, I see him fearful but at the same time intrusive.
 
We lived a very beautiful story many years ago, which then ended because it was evident that he needed a more alive person, more like him. When he told me he didn't feel like going on he expected a jealousy scene that didn't happen and he was blown away because my behavior was far from his expectations, but by now he had said what he had said and he kept the point. I didn't look for him to resume the relationship because I understood that he felt somehow limited and conditioned by me, but anyhow I love him "in my own way" and I'm sorry to see him always dissatisfied.
 
When we were together we loved each other but each one of us had a project on the other that was too individual and too far from reality. I would have lived a life with him but with many ifs and with many buts. And perhaps he himself would not have wanted a life with me. I love him but I understand that to build something together this is not enough, and it was not enough, and I would say that the discourse also applies to a possible future, assuming that he has similar things in mind, what certainly can't be taken for granted and is probably wrong.
 
He then easily takes things badly and feels out, he thinks that I keep him at a distance, maybe somehow I do it, but we never explain ourselves, we think that everything can and must understood only by intuition and so there are many misunderstandings. Our mistake, his and also mine, was to set essential conditions, fundamentally unacceptable to the other. And when he thinks or supposes that he is somehow rejected, he simply shuts down all communication and disappears for long periods, waiting for me to take the first step again.
 
Our relationships are contradictory, we have divergent goals and each of us, most likely he too, often changes his mind and attitude not only on the possibility of getting back together as lovers but even of cultivating a true friendship. We are not friends, we talk little, that is, now we talk little, years ago we talked a lot and it was quite another thing, but now we talk very little, snap answers and escapes between us are the rule. We can only be lovers or rather anomalous ex-lovers, who seek each other but fear each other at the same time, and all this is stressful, I say it for me but I think it is exactly the same for him. In theory the most obvious thing to do would be to move beyond and turn the page, but it is a step we have never been able to take.
 
We are very different in many things, but he, in my life, is still an important presence, even if he will probably never understand it, I feel him emotionally very close, those few bristly and grumpy contacts we have are much more important for me than the statements of love I received from the other two boys. The two boys were playing a part, he didn't, he was living things deeply.
 
With me he is at the same time very shy and very aggressive but aggressive in an apparently giving up way, when he's angry with me he tells me that I will no longer hear from him and disappears, he has the impression that I want to curb and stop him, that I'm never ready to say yes without putting any boundaries of various kinds. I have asked myself many times what I should do but understanding it is not easy at all. Lovers see everything pink, if I think of him I see "also" a sea of complications, I don't see only that, that is, there are not only problems, but problems exist. I feel that somehow he cares about me, but I think I'm not exactly the right person for him, and deep down he thinks so too.
Sometimes I think he hasn't completely forgotten me because he had bad experiences afterwards, but he also said very positive things about some of the guys he had, much better than what he says about me, and yet he lost sight of those guys. Can two ex-lovers be friends? It seems to me not, because friendship and love are different things.
 
I still feel a sexual involvement towards him, I would say almost abstract, theoretical, in fact from him, however, I don't want sex or rather I don't want only or above all sex, I would like us to understand each other, but he says that to understand each other there is one way and that is to live sex together, but he says it taking for granted that the bond cannot be exclusive and this scares me. He is very autonomous and free and he gave the well-served to guys who in my opinion were interested in him much more than I did, but maybe they gave in to him too easily or maybe he didn't have a clear dialogue with them exactly as happens with me but those guys preferred a radical change of scenery.
 
Here everything is pending. I don't know how it will end. Doubts, always doubts, deciding is not really my job and not even his. I finish the story here, otherwise I won't finish it anymore.
 
If you want, you can publish the email, which is sufficiently generic. I have deliberately omitted the latest incident of misunderstanding that occurred this morning. How nice it would be if everything were simpler!
 
Merry Christmas Project!