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GAY EXPERIENCES: HE WAS DIFFERENT - Printable Version

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GAY EXPERIENCES: HE WAS DIFFERENT - gayprojectforum - 12-05-2019

Hi Project,
I'm an ordinary man in my forties and I'm bursting, not for reasons related to homosexuality but for work reasons. I feel frustrated, humiliated, reduced to living a life that I don’t like at all, in the midst of people who believe they are God. I end up harboring a deep hatred towards the world and towards life, I wonder what I was born to do, because my life is disgusting. 

With my parents I cut bridges many years ago, luckily I work and I’m self-sufficient but I do a job I hate and I have to do forcedly in order not to have to go back to my family at 40. I could say that I’m a failure from many points of view: I don't have a boyfriend, I have no real friends, only colleagues I can't stand, and masters (because they are) who clean their shoes using me like a mat. 

Some time ago I had taken a minimal initiative for the company, but the owner's sons put me in ridicule and made everything to ruin my project then claimed that it was my fault, but they are the owner's sons and I'm just a poor man who absolutely needs to work. Obviously in a situation like mine there is no private life, that is, no affective life, and then which guy would get together with someone like me? 

There was a guy with whom something different seemed to exist, he scolded me, he was almost aggressive towards me, but for a good purpose, there was a basic respect, perhaps because he too felt he was a failed guy. That was the only guy that I didn't immediately reject, I felt him, after all, profoundly similar, however, Project, in the end he too went away, maybe somehow he too loved me, but nevertheless he left. I rarely hear from him, even if when it happens it is never in a formal way, between us there is still something to be said but obviously each one goes his way and I don't know how much his life is better than mine. 

For the rest it is pitch dark. ZERO job prospects! ZERO emotional life ... the future is this: if it goes well I go on like this, if I lose my job I have to go back to my parents' house and the thing for me would be absolutely destructive, because now we feel yes and no at Easter and at Christmas. Note, Project, that my parents aren’t starving like me, if I stayed with them, if I married, etc. etc., I would have had a more than decent level of life, but I was gay and these perspectives were not for me, talking to them openly would have been like accepting to become the object of their commiseration, which should not happen for any reason, if one has a dignity. 

I didn't live any gay life, because I didn't live any life at any level, It is not a matter of choices! Everything is already planned and you can only go on, and then, Project, at 40 where do you want me to go? We are already in the process of liquidation due to closure of the financial year and the balance sheet is what it is: a failure! 

Of the guy I told you about, I have a good memory, maybe even too good compared to reality, with him maybe I would have been happy, or maybe not, I don't know, but with him I never felt the feeling of rejection that I felt with the others. Basically I'm glad I didn't ruin his life, because if he had been with me I think I would have anguished him with my problems, I don't know anything about him now, I could call him, what would it be for? He too could call me and he doesn’t, this is a sign that I have passed into oblivion. 

That guy had a characteristic that I greatly appreciated, he spoke clearly, even brutally, but he told me what he thought and among the things he told me there was also that he was not in love with me, sometimes he wrote to me. "I love you." But it was a different thing, it was a form of respect, but he would never have wanted to be with me as a couple. He never deluded me. However, he too is a closed chapter, a chapter of the past, a somehow positive memory, not just another nightmare, but now only a memory. Hoping for more would be foolish. 

I didn't meet bad gays, they were just very different from me with a thousand problems in their heads to which I wouldn’t have given the least weight, between us there was no dialogue and it was immediately clear. Sometimes I would have liked to find a friend, even only a friend, but a true friend, and instead I found people who just wanted sex and when I abandoned them there with the mouth dry, they remained stunned and addressed me with a lot of insults. Apart from that guy I didn't find anyone decent, he was different, but in the end he too left.