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GAY SEX FOR NOT THINKING - Printable Version

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GAY SEX FOR NOT THINKING - gayprojectforum - 08-10-2018

Hello Project, thanks for the Monday chat, it helped me to recover a bit of courage and also to scale back a lot of things. How much it would be easier if there was no sex! Perhaps without sex all this would not exist, the fact is that sex still weighs like a boulder. It is not easy for a forty-year-old to try to build an affective life, I know that very well, but anyway it is certainly discouraging. 
 
Whenever I can create a good friendship, inevitably, when one begins to put sex in the middle, I can no longer manage anything. It only happened once to me to live a story that had little to do with sex, but then also that story is over, perhaps, because there was no real sexual attraction.
 
As long as we stayed on the level of friendship, with that minimum of sex that came spontaneously, but just like tenderness, it still worked, then we said that it is not so that it should work, that ultimately we ended up being a big burden one for the other and then we stopped contacting each other, because if there is no sex a story is useless! It is paradoxical that I am the one who says it, and I say it with bitterness, because I have never had fixations  on sex.
 
I need to begin from loving each other, and then maybe the rest would come, but obviously it doesn’t work that way. And then my whole story has been a follow-up not of failures, because this is not what this is about, but attempts, half stories, stories started with a long string of ifs and buts.
 
I have nothing to reproach the guys I've been with, they never cheated on me, they told me from the beginning that they didn’t know if it would last. I still love the guys I fell in love with, they're poor guys like me who go above all in search of attention, small moments of happiness to make up for what they've never had from the family. If there is a constant element in the stories of all my guys is the bad relationship with the families and for me too it works like that.
 
Then, of course, if you have not been accustomed to caresses, to the small attentions of those who love you and have always thought to save yourself, not to be crushed by a family that doesn’t do anything to understand you, then it is obvious that you grow up bad, that you grow up with a kind of anxiety of revenge inside. In some way you must also revenge! But you cannot love, no one has taught you it, sex is for you just a way of saying that you exist because you do what others do, but such a thing is crazy.
 
Then obviously on sex you end up betting everything. If you're not beautiful you go into a crisis because you think you'll always be alone because you're not beautiful, because you don’t even know that feelings exist. And what did you learn in the family? You have learned only the desperate egoism of those who try to survive and not to be annihilated.
 
Project, there will also be families who accept you and love you even if you are gay, I read the stories you publish, but I think that that those are exceptions and that the family life of a gay boy is actually much more squalid. One of the guys I had, felt almost poisoned by his family, he said the most terrible things about it, I don’t even know if they were real things but his reaction when I tried to talk about family was exacerbated, almost furious.
 
I've always wondered why sex ends up having such a huge meaning for us and I think it's at least partly a way to fill a void, an emotional void, a kind of inability to create real interpersonal relationships. When my stories ended I always tried to maintain a minimum of relationship and, if possible, to remain friends, and I almost always succeeded. I've never hated my ex, I’m an ex too. I see them a bit like guys who, like me, don’t even know what they want. Sometimes I find myself cheering for them when they enter into stories that they think are finally good. The logic is a bit to think that "at least he can build a piece of happiness".
 
Who teaches us to love each other? I believe nobody does it, and you spend the years making mistakes, falling in love, if this word makes sense, with other desperate people like you who don’t know what to do with their life, you fall in love just because they are desperate like you, you feel it above all when they are taken by melancholy and discouragement. You realize that sex is useful not to think, you realize that you are not able to give anything these guys because you can’t change their life, as you can’t even change your own life.
 
Why should sex be a kind of drug not to think? When you turn 40, you start budgeting. I learned a lot from my love stories and now of the melancholy and the angry reactions of the guys I understand many things that before I hadn’t understand at all, now I see things with the disenchanted eye of the mature man, but I still carry inside myself a huge desire for love, the more that desire grows the more I realize that it will end up unfulfilled. 

Gil