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Hi Project,
a very direct question: what does it mean to have a boyfriend? Does it mean having sex with him? Or does it mean loving each other? Or both? The answer seems obvious, but it is not obvious at all, because sex complicates things enormously, it is as if it were something fundamental, or rather it is as if it were necessarily something fundamental, and then either the relationship turns into a sexual relationship, or you abandon the relationship and go looking for sex somewhere else.
I have lived some of only sexual relationships (or a little more), but in the end I have nothing left. My ex-boyfriends have literally disappeared, while I have lived a kind of relationship without sex, in practice a friendship, if we want to call it so, which has been going on for some years and shows no signs of deterioration. Of course it doesn't correspond to the maximum of my desires, but it's something. What should I do? Keep this so-called friendship and stay calm and quiet, or abandon this story entirely and go and try to make my dreams come true somewhere else?
My situation is quite simple. I’m 24 years old, I still study and the job prospects are rather uncertain, at least in the short term, my "friend" is not the guy of my dreams, with him there has never been sex very simply because physically he doesn’t attract me at all and I think it is exactly the same for him. He doesn't have a boyfriend, he had one, with whom he also had sex, but he was a guy he didn't like, they had sex because they thought that things between them would have changed for the better by putting the relationship on that level and instead they ended up to separate completely.
I was fine with my friend even when he had a boyfriend, but now that he doesn't have guys, absolutely nothing has changed, we are just two friends, and there is no possibility that this could change over time, if ever, perhaps, it may be that he or I can fall in love with a guy we like and separate from each other in order to follow the beloved guy (assuming it's our way), but obviously going each on his own. I certainly look at the other guys, there are some I like a lot, but I look at them just as a gay guy looks at charming guys on the covers of the weeklies. They are beautiful but they are only images. I tried a few times to have a minimum of conversation with two guys that I liked but the result was disappointing, they seemed to me poor deluded people who expected to become movie stars just because they were good looking guys. In fact, I too had approached them for that.
I often tell myself that I’m still young and that my chance will come, but at the moment there is no sign of it. Either I don't know what I want or I want things very different from what other guys are looking for, and in the end, however, aesthetics aside, I don't find or rather I have not yet found a guy who really made my heart beat. I ask myself: but in these conditions does it make sense to go with a guy just to go with a guy? Frankly, I’m well even alone.
Once I found a guy (I didn't really like, a little bit yes, but just a little) who made me many promises, but all in a very indefinite future: "Now I have to finish my studies and find work ... but later we can have a life all ours ... " etc. etc. and it occurred to me that I could answer his speeches that it is better an egg today than a hen tomorrow. However, since that guy didn't really attract me, it was all over shortly and he found a guy willing to wait for him for an indefinite number of years. Baglioni (an Italian singer) says that "Life is now!" When our relationship ended I didn't have any nostalgia, indeed it was almost a liberation.
With my friend we talk, we talk about everything also about sex but in a very detached way, never in reference to us and it is no coincidence, because we both try to avoid ending up in that direction, not in principle, but simply because for having sex with a guy, you must also like that guy physically, otherwise it is just a fiction and a play. However we talk very little about sex, we talk much more often about “the highest problems”, yes, Project, we talk about life, about the meaning of life, the human solidarity, about what good and evil are, and many times he speaks to me of American literature, because he speaks English in a perfect way and reads a lot of American novels. I listen to him and I learn a lot of things, because frankly I think I have nothing to teach him. We often exchange text messages but they have nothing to do with the sms of lovers, he tells me about museums, sites to read, books and films and I often tell him that I have little time for those things but he doesn’t give up and tells me that I’m a cultured person who doesn’t know he is a cultured person and when he says it, he gratifies me a lot.
It happened that sometimes we went together to other cities for tourism and twice we also stayed overnight in the hotel but in two single rooms, the problem of staying in the same room didn’t exist at all, it was taken for granted that it wouldn't happen. Let's be clear, if we had been in the same room certainly nothing would have happened but we would have lost our privacy and this shouldn't have happened. Ours is a true, intense friendship, but without any other kind of involvement.
I asked myself several times what would I do if I had to meet a guy that I really like and who wants to be with me, that is, I asked myself what would happen to our friendship: would it go to second line or not? From my point of view, nothing would change, but my hypothetical boyfriend I don't think he could easily accept such a thing. Anyway, this reasoning is all theoretical because there are no guys for me on the horizon.
Project, frankly, do you think I’m pathological? My reasoning is it only an escape from reality and nobody knows why? If you think so, tell me, because at the limit it could also be possible, anyway I don't even know what I should be afraid of. Sometimes I think that I have a lot of meaningless problems and that if I find a boyfriend and fall in love with him, I mean a true and mutual love, all these problems will disappear by themselves, because they are only the mixing of the thoughts that accompany loneliness or the almost loneliness.
Basically I said everything. You can do whatever you want with the email because there are no sensitive data.
Good job with the Forum, and try to answer me soon, if you can.
Marco B.