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Hello Project, I apologize for Saturday night (the other Saturday, if you remember) but I had to close suddenly, even though we had just started to talk, because people came. You probably thought I was rude, I'm sorry, but I just couldn’t do otherwise. The things that I couldn’t tell you in the chat I tell you here so that when we will be able to get in touch you will already know what it is about. Unfortunately I’m not very young, I’m 25 years old, almost 26 and I feel them all, and anyway I don’t feel young, I feel now almost lost. 
Reading the forum I found your posts on intergenerational relationships and I read them with great interest. You talk about these things with respect and it strikes me a lot. Before I thought you were a thirty-year-old or so, then, reading I understood that you are much older and then it is just you that I address and I hope you can understand me because generally I found only contempt and ridicule, also and perhaps especially on the side of gays.
At my age, not only have I never had sexual intercourse with anyone but I feel inside a solitude and an infinite despair. For me it doesn’t even make sense to say that I'm gay because with gays I feel I don’t have much in common and gays, except maybe someone, despise those like me. I cannot tell you why, but since I remember I have always been attracted by men much older than me. I have tried many times to understand the reason, but as far as I dig in my past, I find absolutely nothing that can explain such a thing. I have never been harassed by anyone, rather they have always kept me on the sidelines and I think that my parents love me even if they don’t know anything about me.
If the coming out for a gay guy is already difficult, think what must be for me even the idea of talking to my parents about my sexuality. In short, I don’t know why I cannot stay with the guys my age. I'm not even gay with them, not because I'm attracted by women, but because I'm not interested in guys my age, that is, I attend some peers but they are very superficial things. These guys would never take me for gay and I would have nothing to say to them. With them I don’t feel at all inhibited and I don’t have to repress anything, they are for me simply and only friends, but in a rather superficial sense, because with them I cannot talk about myself and in the end I don't feel absolutely any sexual interest for them. Perhaps it will be that we have been friends for a long time, but in my opinion the reason is that I’m interested only in mature men, in an exclusive way. And this is the thing that worries me the most.
When I was 18 and already I had it very clear in mind this story of mature men, I tried to create opportunities to have some intimacy with my friends, we went on vacation together a week and in practice I saw them naked all four of them but my reaction was of total indifference. I don’t hide that I got scared of this and not a little. My friends were not gay and I thought the problem was that but obviously my lack of involvement had nothing to do with it.
At the age of 20 I experienced an adventure that marked me very much. I met by chance a nice guy at a party, I say nice because he really was but this fact was totally indifferent for me. We talked a bit, he was serious, almost shy, he was my age, talking with him was pleasant and we talked, we talked a lot in the following days even on msn even though I couldn’t say anything about me, the guy after a few weeks has confessed to me that he was gay and was in love with me, I also have the misfortune of being a nice guy, even if saying something like that is paradoxical, I live it like that.
He was anxious and you understand very well why, after he told me he was gay I told him that nothing would change for me but he asked me in turn explicitly if I was gay too, my answer was very important to him and I understood him very well I reluctantly told him: yes. His eyes were bright, he took my hands and held them and I let him do, then he tried to kiss me but I pushed him away. He told me that I should not be afraid of anything because for him it was the first time and he said it with an encouraging smile. I told him: "Look, I like mature men", but he seemed not to give weight to the thing. Then I said to him: "Look, I've never experienced sexual attraction for a boy, I've never made erotic fantasies about a boy, I'm gay but in another way, I feel 100% straight towards you".
He was incredulous, it seemed inconceivable for him, because we were two gay guys who had nothing in common, our way of experiencing sexuality was very different. He asked me some questions and from there I realized he had not understood anything. He asked me if I had been raped as a child or if any uncle of mine had ever done sexual games with me, I told him no, but he was perplexed, then advised me to see a good psychiatrist, not a psychologist, exactly a psychiatrist and told me that according to him, these are transitional phases due to the fact that I've never had a boyfriend before. In the following days he returned to the attack in various ways, he tried to be more seductive, to let me speak, to recognize all the possible and imaginable mitigating circumstances but it was clear that for him there was something deeply pathological, in the end he disappeared completely and I breathed a sigh of relief.
But I go back to the main question. I had the first clear sign of my sexual preferences at the age of 14, in ninth grade. There was an old teacher who always encouraged me and I fell in love with him who was maybe 50 years older than me but he seemed still a handsome man, not properly an old man, he gave me so much confidence. I think he never noticed anything and if he had noticed I would have buried myself in shame. With the history of the teacher, at 14, I passed terrible moments, I realized I was different from my classmates in every sense, I was alone and I knew very well that I would be alone and that I would never have a person who loved me.
At the age of 16 I was already a handsome guy, and when my female classmates began to come forward and I kept them at a distance, someone made the joke: "But, by chance, aren’t you gay?" And I replied: "I wish I liked guys!" but the joke was always taken as an underlining of heterosexuality, but basically I thought that if I had been gay in a classical way, that is if I had liked my peers, I would have had a much easier life and at least some chance to living as I wanted.
Many times between 21/22 years old I have experienced moments of deep anguish. After all, I wanted to be loved by a mature man, even sexually, but I don’t even think that it was my first priority. I wanted first of all to be able to talk to an adult man without being taken for a madman, if he then had treated me with a little sweetness I would have felt in heaven but I knew that all this would not happen.
Sometimes I visited gay sites with adult men but they were all sex-oriented, like a porn site, but I don’t like such things. I say it with all sincerity, I'm used to do without sex from the beginning or to live it only on the level of fantasies and masturbation and maybe if it happened to me in reality to get involved with a man, I would feel a deep embarrassment.
But I dream of a real love, I dream of it even if without any hope, but deep down I know that I will never find it, and I will never find not neither affection nor respect, I feel like the last of the last, with a feeling of marginalization that I fear I cannot bear any longer but I think I will have to endure all my life. The reaction to all this was the fact that I threw myself headlong into my studies, I set myself goals and I achieved them. Let's say that as long as I was involved with the university and the problem of finding work, I was completely absorbed by these things that were for me a sort of antidote to my despair. Now I finished my studies and I found a decent job and everything I had repressed and sublimated returns to the surface.
At work I have practically no contact with my colleagues and I feel them a thousand miles away from me. They talk about girls, the older ones about family and children. I don’t know if there are gays and frankly I don’t care to know it, because I don’t want to repeat what I already experienced with that gay guy. What will my life be? I think now I have understood it, I will always be totally alone. This e-mail has remained in the drafts for days and as you have noticed I have not called you anymore. I had already had a thousand hesitations before and I arrived at the Saturday call forcing myself in an incredible way, then it was over in two minutes and I didn’t have the courage  to call another time and I thought to send you an email.
But basically what do I write for? To talk to you about things that maybe you cannot really understand. What do I expect? Anything! I tell you right away, don’t be scared, or maybe I'd just like a little respect. If you want to put this e-mail in the forum put it. I don’t expect anything even from the guys because I didn’t like some of the answers they gave when you talked about these things, those answers are the typical answers of those who think they have understood everything and look at you from top to bottom, but I'm used to it. Hi Project. I feel moments of deep despair, if you can, dedicate to me two lines, I don’t ask for more.