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Hello Project, it does not seem true to me to have found a vent, perhaps for someone it would be a banality but for me it is very important, I was just bursting, I could not take it anymore. Talking to you made me think a lot. I, at 29, I already threw in the towel. You say well that life has something in store for me, but the reality that I live is another. I saw the guys always and only from a distance, I spent the best of life to masturbate in front of the computer but not because I got out of my mind but because there was just nothing else! Because I've always been alone and will remain alone. What do you think? perhaps that I have not experienced a crazy attraction for some guys? I tried it and how strong! But it could not have any following. 

I know there are so many gay guys alone who feel worse than me! I know very well, we are devoured by fear, but in a country like the one where I live, what can I hope for the future? Project, let's be clear, I will never be able to leave here! But where do I go? I don’t have a job and I can do what I can. First they told me that I had to finish my studies, and I finished them, that I would surely find a job later, but I didn’t find anything, so what am I doing? I don’t live, I survive. Now a friend of mine who I think is gay, he went to live in Rome with another guy to share the expenses of the apartment, so they say, but I know that the reason is not that. That guy is rich and my friend has found him because he is not a starving man like me, because his family passes him the money to live in Rome, and if you have a house and a certain economic autonomy then you will also find a guy. 

Project! But you know how much they are assholes ... gays? I know it! They run after you if you have money, otherwise they spit in your face. Then you say that I have no courage! But dare of what? To make me spit in the face even by gays? And I've seen things like that! If I earn 500 euros a month it is runny fat. And I'm not even nice or passable, a girl talking about me with her friends said I'm crude and ordinary. And someone like me what has he to wait for? Here in the village not even the sons of Dad can afford to say that they are gay, you can figure out if I can afford it! 

And then my father and my mother? I have to stay here and what a life I have to do you don’t even dream of it. Here they say that there is a small group of gay guys, but they are those badly drug addicts who in all likelihood gay are not at all, but if you're drug addicted you must be gay too. Here it works like this. And then what do I do? Work zero! Zero economic possibilities! At the level of starvation! Then they tell me that I should be more careful "in the care of my person" (!). I don’t have a car, I have a computer that breaks a lot of times, I have a connection because I use illegally that of school that is beyond the wall of my house, because otherwise I couldn’t even have internet . And you tell me about the future and about hopes, but what are I to hope for?
And you tell me that I have to get rid of the "crazy ideas". Anyway, in a certain sense you are right, but those "crazy ideas", when you live like I live come inevitably to you! Have I to find a boyfriend? Project, don't make me preachings, I do not believe in miraculous things. They don’t even want me as a friend when they realize I don’t have a penny. I, at 29, I have to go and ask my mother for 10 euros, she would give  me them, but she doesn’t have them either! But what hope do you want to have one like me! Do you understand the sense of frustration I feel? Sometimes I step in front of the pizzerias and there are dozens of guys who have fun, but I cannot go there because I cannot afford it. It's okay not to mix affective matters with money matters, I know, but do you understand how I live? Now excuse me if I vented a little bit, I don’t have it with you, the things you say, you say them for a good purpose, but you probably cannot really realize. 

And then even chatting with you at the end I felt free, because I can never say such things. I don’t go to gay places nor meet gay people, but if I went there I would not be like the others. My problem is not to be gay, but to be gay without hope, without work, without a penny, without future, and it's not the same thing. Project, it is not a reproach, you are used to talking with many good guys but, luckily they have only one problem, to be gay. I wish I only had the problem of being gay! In practice I would have no problem! I have the problem of survival and end up hating gays who are not like me, those who think that the biggest problem in life is just being gay. Those guys look stupid to me! They are lucky but they don’t even realize it! They cry for fearful bullshit and feel like victims! But victims of what? When I was attending university I struggled to work ,often even the whole night, to get money to pay my taxes, and I worked hard. Well there were two gay guys dressed in the latest fashion, but something, look, very disgusting!
People who spat in your face the money they had and you had to have it very clear that you were just a starving man! But how can I feel close to people like that? At that time I had a straight friend, but a guy like me, he was not gay but he was someone whom I felt very close to and who loved me, fuck if he loved me! He was a true friend! What do I care if you're gay or straight! It is the quality of the person that matters! Project, damn it, I feel also stupid to do complain this way. It seems that I want to be pitied. Yesterday at the beginning you made me lose my patience. You said a lot of nonsense. Then you started to understand and you changed tone. Frankly I didn’t expect it. You have a dignity, which is something I really appreciate. But, put it in your head, gays are not better than others, for gays of high social level, what matters is not that you are gay or straight, but first of all that you too are of high social level, otherwise they don’t even take you into consideration.
Then, of course, the fact that you're gay is also important, but that's not the main thing. There is no gay solidarity, if you are not of their social level even gays kick you in the ass. I experienced it. Try to enter a gay club in the city, dressed as I'm dressed, perhaps they don’t put you out, but they make you feel a worm, one that is not up to par. And do you want these people to care about the fact that I’m gay too? But for them such problems don’t exist at all! Here, now I vented with you! At this point an asshole would not even answer me, but I know you will do it. I'll make myself heard tonight on msn. Come on, don’t get mad! I’m like that.