07-25-2018, 09:47 PM
Hello Project
I’m a gay 21 year old South African, who prefers to identify as queer and have been dealing with selective mutism for my entire life, I have been treated poorly and inhumanely for what seems like an eternity. Which made my struggle with selective mutism worse. When I opened my heart both platonically and romantically, I found rejection. One day a friend helped me realized how I had always cursed my lot in life, how I felt cheated by the hand fate had dealt me.
Nine years ago I started to realize that I wasn’t attracted to women, but to men and like my selective mutism, I have been struggling with my sexuality for years. I did everything to hide that fact from everyone including those closest to me, especially my homophobic father.
For the past few months, I came out to a few of my family members (my little brother, two cousins, an aunt and recently an uncle) and a few friends. I have decided to identify as queer, because I, like many others, I do not like labels. But I still felt like I’m not meant to have anything good in my life. That I’m meant to be alone, misunderstood and made the mistake of making the first people I came out to a guy I had or might still have a crush on and when realising I had feelings for him. He decided to play with my heart, making it seem like he was romantically available.
But eventually told me that they didn’t feel the same way about me, apologizing to me and that his reasons were you help me feels the same kind of joy and happiness he felt. I told him that I forgave him, because I too want everyone to have love and happiness. But inside I was heartbroken and I thought to myself: "How do I move on from the pain? How do I cope?" And when I thought I had finally moved on, fate as it would seem decided to be more cruel, as I saw him dancing with someone else one night at my first gay club.
What I witnessed brought back all the pain that I thought I had let go of. But now I felt more hollowed out inside than ever before and started to ask myself questions: "Did he feel sorry for me? Was I his charity case? Is that why he shown any interest in me?"....But do you know what really sucks about falling for a guy, you know you’re not right for? You fall in love anyway because you think/hope that things will turn out differently.
I decided read other people’s coming out stories, watching movies like “Prayers for Bobby”, “Call Me By Your Name”, “Alex Strangelove”, “Love, Simon” and listening to songs like Keiynan Lonsdale’s song: “Kiss The Boy” and “Preach”, For any kind of guidance to help me in my journey in life and to give me the courage to come out. To express myself even further I decided to write my own blog called 'Expressing Anonymity (https://expressinganonymity.wordpress.com/) and have already decided that I would have Charlie Puth's song : "The Way I Am" play in the background as I come out has a proud queer man to my friends, family and the world.
Life isn't easy and it won't be and there will only be more hardships, but have hope – have hope that your friends and family will love and support you on your journey as you continue to find both acceptance and yourself in this world, and hope others will do the same…
…Embrace who you are, all of who you are and you will be free. Because freedom is power