07-18-2018, 03:57 PM
Let's now develop some reflections on sexual discomfort and in particular on the relationship between discomfort and transgressive sexuality. From the experience of Gay Project we can deduce two very useful synthesis observations in the interpretation of the discomfort connected to sexuality.
1) The split between sexual orientation of married life (both in terms of affectivity and physical sexuality) and the orientation of masturbation is an indication of discomfort. A straight guy who lives his sexuality without any discomfort connected to sexual orientation is a guy who falls in love only with girls who has a sexual activity as a couple partner only with girls, who has sexual fantasies only on girls and masturbates just thinking of girls. The speech for a gay boy is exactly specular. It should be emphasized that bisexual guys can fall in love with both guys and girls, which is not an indication of discomfort if a falling in love, directed both to guys and girls, both emotionally and sexually, also corresponds to masturbation with fantasies both on guys and girls. Basically the balancing of sexuality is realized when the same orientation presents itself in all the manifestations of sexuality, from affective ones to sexual ones as a couple partner and to masturbation. When among these elements (falling in love, couple sexuality, sexual fantasies and orientation of masturbation) there is no congruence, a guy experiences a situation of unease.
2) The fact that masturbation fantasies don’t focus on the guy with whom one is in love, that masturbation is not emotional, but systematically and exclusively focuses on a particular sexual practice to which is attributed a strongly transgressive connotation are all an indication of discomfort. It sometimes happens that some guys who have a typically heterosexual and fully satisfying emotional and sexual couple life don’t ever masturbate thinking of a girl but they do it thinking exclusively of guys with whom they don’t feel emotionally involved, but their sexual fantasies are concentrated only on a particular sexual behavior, considered very transgressive. In such situations, the classic principle of free sexuality, according to which sexual orientation emerges through the masturbation (free sexuality) and not through the couple sexuality, cannot be applied precisely because in these situations masturbation is not really free and the fact of masturbating with transgressive gay fantasies (or considered such) indicates that masturbation is experienced not as sexuality but as an act of rebellion against taboos. The more transgressive the fantasies that accompany masturbation are the greater is the gratification that is obtained by overcoming the taboo. I mean that for these guys masturbation is not really a sexual experience but an act of self-assertion as a person who got rid of taboos. This mechanism of overcoming taboos through transgressive masturbation can in some cases evolve into forms of transgressive couple sexuality. I had occasion to present the case of a very young guy who lived a gay sexuality not only subjectively transgressive but objectively at risk, with men much older than him. This guy, who not only considered himself 100% gay but the most transgressive of gays for what he was doing, ended up years later to give up completely the idea of being gay because in a very gradual way he fell in love, at the beginning only unconsciously, of a girl who really loved him and led him to understand his true sexual orientation.
That guy, in fact, had ended up making a life that he considered transgressive as an act of rebellion against his father who tried to control and repress him. His gay sexuality, or rather his gay sexual activity, gratified him not because it was the completion of an emotional relationship with another guy but because it was an act of transgression, that is, an affirmation of his will against that of his father. If such mechanisms are indeed rare in couple sexuality, they are much less rare in masturbation that may actually be not a sexual experience but only an unconscious act of rebellion. It is evident that in this case masturbation is not at all a form of free sexuality and, I would say, it is not even a form of true sexuality. It often happens that the transgressional masturbation in a gay key of a guy who is really straight is accompanied by the temptation to put into practice the masturbation fantasies. It should be noted that in these cases the affective dimension is totally lacking and the problem is reduced to bringing the overcoming of taboos from the masturbatory dimension, that appears reductive, to a far more transgressive couple sex. I emphasize that the guys who have a transgressive gay masturbation generally have a rather distorted view of gay sexuality that for them, even if they say the opposite, is basically something anomalous that becomes interesting precisely because it is transgressive, the idea of sexuality and of gay affectivity as normal for these guys is difficult to accept, in a sense, if they considered gay sexuality normal they would end up no longer interested in it. It must be said that these guys in the vast majority have never fallen in love with a guy and consider at least unnatural that two guys can live a deep and mutual love. All this with being gay has clearly nothing to do.