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Full Version: THE CRY OF PAIN OF A YOUNG GAY
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Hello boys ... Since I joined the forum I attended it very little, although I stay most nights chatting. Often I just talk in chat and I feel a bit better, because here I met really fantastic people who can accept me despite my quirks (which go well beyond my homosexuality, as those who know me a little know very well). However, tonight letting off steam in the chat didn’t produce any effect because I felt bad as I haven’t felt for a long time. 

Tonight the ghosts of the past have come back as violent as a hurricane, ready to drag me away another time ... I don’t know if I have already spoken about it on the forum before (in the chat definitely yes), however I live in a mountain village, not far from the city (which anyway is a town of only 60 thousand inhabitants ... can one call it city? ...) but my village is not well connected to the territory given the reduced number of bus rides and so often it is difficult for me, being a minor, to go to the city. This causes me a very strong feeling of unease. 

Here everybody knows everything about everyone ... I hate being here, I feel completely out of place, I feel like those caged canaries that would fly and cannot escape. I also feel as a silent tiger, which roars but no one hears the roar. I cry my suffering but it is not understood. I compare to too many things that I’m not, actually ... Here, as already mentioned, the Law of Jante, that collection of sociological maxims according to which those who are different from the community are excluded and ridiculed, is widely spread ad dominant. 

I've never been part of my country, nor even of the neighboring city. I've always been a case apart, lost in the Franco-German novels and in Japanese comics, while listening to English and Icelandic music. Jante's Law is also applied within the homosexual community. Given that there are very few gays here ... that is, there are very few gay people, and the mentality is so closed that many don’t even accept themselves as gays. therefore ... 

I don’t exaggerate if I say that in my area don’t exist more than 20 gays, and in any case I'm the only one in my village. About those 20 in any case now has been made a malevolent word of mouth, I don’t know how or why but everyone knows me but I don’t know them, they know absurd things about me - sometimes true, sometimes not, I wonder how, from what, from whom they came to know such things. 

I cannot live here anymore ... relationships with the gay community don’t exist at all because of the negative reputation that someone has created about me (such things really happen only in “terronia” [= "land of terroni".  The Italians of the south use to call with contempt those of the north with the nickname "polentoni", that is, eaters of polenta, those of the north use similarly call those of the south "terroni" i.e. workers of the land, peasants.] ... this regardless of sexual orientation, if you are a little bit different you are anyway excluded and considered crazy),  as for the relationships with heterosexuals ... with the guys I cannot tie, 

I'm afraid of being judged, ah no ops...  they judge me because I'm not visibly like them ... not that I'm very effeminated but I certainly don’t have the interests: pussy, motors and football the straight guys talk about here. I point out, I don’t have this opinion of all straight guys. Outside of my area, when I was lucky enough to live in France, but also in the north of Italy, I saw heterosexual guys very open (I point out it because I don't want to look like heterophobe). Regarding the straight girls, eh, it’s a minimum positive point. With them I can tie, as long as they are not bitches or little geese [stupid persons] ... as a result, I only have a close female friend (which everyone calls alternately "Satan" or "Zoccola" [bitch] and this clearly demonstrate how the south of Italy is open ...) and three other female friends with whom I’m not as close but I feel at ease and I love them. Then I have a lesbian friend, but lately I attend her less. In short, all women. 
 
I don’t even know what I'm writing and why I'm writing. Maybe to make sure that one day I’ll remember these things. I had started with the intention of describing in detail the word-of-mouth aggression perpetrated against me, but I realize only now that I cannot do it, for the simple fact that I don’t have the faintest idea about. And I have to say that I have been already the victim of another word of mouth, when in eighth grade someone called almost all the parents of my classmates to tell them that I was gay. I would like to know who did so just to say "I'm sorry for how much you are a piece of shit ..."  

So, I'm angry with everyone tonight. I’m angry with Calabria that doesn’t offer me opportunities, with the Calabrians who have a very narrow mind, with my mother who instead of helping me pushes deeper the knife into the wound with the acid jokes, stressing the fact that I don’t know how to defend myself, but above all I’m angry with myself because I'm not able to send everything and everyone to hell and move on by myself. I’m proud of myself only because in all this I have never seriously thought about suicide, because I firmly believe that there is a better life outside of this hell. But I see this situation depressing, to put it mildly ... not committing suicide here is a demonstration that I give myself every day that elsewhere I could really be worth something ... 

Here people don’t have a minimum respect, I have been called "bog", "crazy", "Satanist", "poof" and many other cute nicknames since I was THREE years old, they already hated me in kindergarten. Do I have a face of cocks? Maybe, but is it my fault? With people who don’t stop at the first impression I can bind so much to give them  my soul ... but often it seems that people next to me don’t realize it, they think I'm crazy and then I behave accordingly :/ What to say? How to conclude? I don’t know. I’m disheartened. I’m depressed. I say lies every 3x2 [usually], just because I say lies I delude myself to get away from this unsatisfactory reality. I've been doing it since I was 9 years old. 

Sometimes I'm terrified that even if I'm going to attend university elsewhere, everything will be equally disgusting, that the world is really disgusting like Calabria (although I have tangible evidences that it is not). But my father with his fucking motto "the whole world is village" would make me want to swallow 50 pills of Valium and finish the games forever ... I don’t do it because I want and I can resist ... because I know I'm worth something ... but believe me sometimes, for a few nanoseconds, suicide seems to me the only way out. I resist. I keep fighting and resisting. But for how long? How much do I still have to suffer before finding happiness? Does happiness exist for me? 

What then my happiness is? ... A goodnight text message would be enough for me or something like "my love ... for me you are all" from a boy and this post would never have been written. I would need a "I would like you next to me now" if not a guy waiting for me in the room nearby ready to ... kiss me, hug me, tell me  that no matter how I suffered and I will suffer but he will always be there for me. Because this is my greatest cause of suffering: the fear of never finding a boyfriend. I don’t have particular passions, yes I like French, Icelandic, history and psychology. But I would never be able to make my work a reason for living, I'm rather "two hearts and a hut", so far I've only had almost exclusively online relationships (live, I've only have had stupid, without feeling and also few relationships) yet in those online relationships I gave my all, often I canceled myself to receive a little word of affection, sometimes things went better, sometimes worse (they have always lasted little, anyway). 

If I think back to those few messages that I now remember BY HEART from those guys, it's enough for me to be less worse. I think of what they wrote to me and I repeat "Yes, Rox, you are strong ... you can overcome everything!" But then I think that even if, yes, I can do it, I wonder WHAT IS THE POINT OF DOING IT... I feel lonely, terribly lonely, I don't know people to talk to about such things. I’m here to talk to you. I talk about it on other forums - even about other subjects - on which I’m writing. And I don’t even want to end writing this post, because ending it would mean going to bed crying and listening to depressed music. I want to write here everything that passes through my mind. At the beginning I had titled this discussion "gay and in an isolated mountain area" but right now I have changed to "my cry of pain". I cannot take it anymore. Life goes on and I look at it from behind the glass of my window. Time runs and I spend time waiting for it to continue to pass as fast as possible. I leave you with the song that most I listen to when I feel so much down ... Everything passes, of the Huga Flame.

Everything goes, it's true, but when will all this pass even for me? Reading about 13, 14 year old boys who already have a boyfriend ... it makes me so angry and sad, also because they are all from Turin, Milan, Bologna, at most Rome ... I’m here ... I don’t know what to write. I won poetry and philosophy contests, I think I'm a sweet, shy and sensitive guy ... but maybe this is not enough today to be liked, but I'm not going to change because of the others ... because I love to be exactly like I’m, and this is the most important thing. I have beautiful eyes (according to others ... otherwise I would not let me say) and anyway the rest of my face and my body although I’m not really a model doesn’t even disgust, yet this is what I provoke in many people, DISGUST. I suck them. And although I try to ignore it, and in fact it is waning compared to a few years ago when I didn’t reason on the basis of ME but based on the OTHERS, anyway all this hurts me. 

I feel alone, fuckily, damned alone. And I would just like someone who now, right now as I'm writing, would lock my hands and bring them around himself and to my slightest protest would give me a kiss so long as to cancel everything that is around me, around him, around us. I don’t know what I expect as answers. The answers you’ll give me will probably not change my situation, but I wait for them impatiently anyway, as a child waits for Santa. MAKE IT STOP, LET THIS END ... I feel a lot, too much, like in this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP4clbHc4Xg
 
Oh, I add, since in the end I stayed at the computer even if it's 5.09 a.m. and I hear the birds chirp (but what does it matter to me, if the birds are chirping?), now more than resigned I’m pissed off. I always alternate those two states of mind ... a little I'm pissed off a bit I’m resigned. What a sadness! Right now I was thinking about the fact that so far, although I have had some (very few) relationships (mostly online) it’s been me the one who did EVERYTHING. The others stayed passively with me (not in the sexual sense, but in the sense that they didn’t consider it too much important if they were with me or not), except for a boy. I feel so different, different from anyone. It doesn’t matter if gay or straight, If male or female, I feel different, almost on another planet. And this sensation it's not very cool, it’s really distressing ... sorry for the strange expression. Feeling so different ... feeling that I can never really like someone ... makes me want to disappear ...