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Full Version: FEELING GAY AND REBORN
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December 9th 2015 the day of my rebirth. And here I am, in spite of my shyness, to share my life with you all. 
Let's start from the beginning, my childhood. Well, my childhood. What to say, a period totally "black", a father with vices, who beats your mother and you look, 5/6 years old, and you are helpless, the worst thing is to look and not be able to do anything, and, despite all, my mother has always had a smile printed not to make me worry, to make me grow without hating my father or anyway to protect me in some way from everything that happened. 

But let's leave this argument, now it's an old story, even if sometimes when I least expect it, I think back to those images. At that time the only person with whom I could feel good, playing, was my cousin V., he was two years older than me, a brother in short, with whom I could play and not think about those moments. After that period has ended, one has started even worse. 

At 11 years during the period of secondary school, I had taken a lot of kilograms, because many times I used to take refuge in food when I was down. I have been a victim of bullying for 3 years, when I came home I had a sore body, they enjoyed pinching me where I had the "rolls", but the strongest pain was due to the nicknames that bothered me. Even now while I’m writing, if I think back to those moments, I feel a great sense of suffering. I've always been one that keeps everything inside, never showing outside my emotions, and I didn’t talk to anyone about those things. 

The only one who had noticed my behavior was V., I felt better when he was talking to me, but then, one day, when I reached the peak of sadness, and I needed him, he gave me the coup de grace. We were in his room, I state that I had not seen any kind of pornographic magazine/site, and even less I knew what masturbation was. He tells me "Undress, I want to give you a massage", I didn’t see it as a strange thing because he used to massage me when I was stressed, but that day was different. While I was lying down, he slipped my panties off and abused me. 

I know it may seem stupid to talk about abuse in this case, because you could tell me "Ok, you were there, you liked it maybe, so what do you want?", But at that time I needed a person to help me because I was mentally fragile, and at that moment I felt nothing, I felt useless, lost. Since that day I have no more been in contact with him and I have started to close more and more in myself. 

And here we are at the beginning of high school, same story, shyness and closure due to my outward appearance, I could only relate to someone if someone spoke to me, otherwise I stood in the corner, in silence as if I were a shadow. I began to feel good when I saw people approaching and chatting with me, but after a few months I realized that they were guys/girls who approached me only to get help in some subject, because I was a nerd, then after getting a good grade in that subject they didn’t consider me anymore. 

Good. Finally a positive period arrives in my life, so if you have suffered with me while you were reading the first part, I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief. In the third year of high school my class has been dismembered, and I ended up in another classroom. New classroom, new companions, new isolation. Within the classroom, most of them had a schoolmate, before the desks were all occupied, I threw myself on the first empty desk I found. And N. comes to sit next to me, short red hair, fair complexion, smiling. He sits next to me and immediately introduces himself, and starts talking to me as if we've known each other for years. 

At the beginning I started eggshells, I said to myself "But he will be the umpteenth guy who tries to cheat me with a little smile to use me in some way", as V. and the others did. In the days to follow, however, I saw that he behaved like that with everyone, he was sincere, outgoing, he gave me attention and in the evening forced me to go out with him and his friends (since I had never left home until the age of 16). 

I believed in him when during the fourth year trip to Budapest, we had to go with the whole classroom to a spa. The world collapsed on me, I had to undress in front of the whole class? I rather shoot myself. He squeezes me that day, looks at me and says: "Listen, now you prepare and come, do you think you are obese? That is, you weight 100 kg, is this for you to be obese? You are going to see people who are in the spa that weight about 200, I want to see what you think then. And, listen, if you don’t go there, I don’t go either." 

So I went there, and in the locker room he tried to act as a barrier so that other classmates could not make fun of me in any way, and he was close to me for as long as we've been in the spa. After that trip, the doubts began, the questions, the malaise; because when he was absent from school or I became aware that he had a girlfriend, I was jealous. A morbid jealousy, so much to be angry with him and fight, and of course I realized that I was exaggerating. I spent sleepless nights wondering, "Why do I think of him? Why am I so jealous? Why do I go to school in the morning only to see him?" And I also started to get excited when I thought of him. 

At that moment, the deepest part of me, perhaps, already understood that I was homosexual, but my mind refused to believe it, perhaps because I was thinking about the pain caused by obesity? I don’t know. But my mind went into a self-defense mechanism, let's call it so, to find answers (excuses) to these questions. Anyway maybe I think because he was the first to consider me and therefore I considered him like a brother, and somehow like a part of me, our story went on. 

The diploma arrives, for me the terror. Why? Because I knew I would never see him every day, how would I have done? Luckily in the following months he had enrolled in the gym, and he invited me to register with him, so I could see him 3/4 times a week. Everything lasted until he found a girlfriend, after he got engaged our relationship was waning, and I've been sick for months, because I knew I couldn’t see him anymore, by the way the year after he left for the military service. So I slipped into a huge emptiness, yet another hope destroyed. 

There were two girls, my classmates, and one of them had a crush on me, which I realized after quite a while since I didn’t pay attention to her ways to tell me "Look, I like you!" At that moment I thought it was time to get engaged, after all I was 19, my best friend was engaged, so I took the opportunity on the fly to organize a couple of occasions to be with her. 

In this period, further doubts and uncertainties have arisen, because I noticed that when I kissed my girlfriend I didn’t get excited, I didn’t think about sex, I didn’t feel anything. As for sex, fortunately she didn’t want to do it because she was a virgin, otherwise I don’t know how I would have done it. After 8 months we broke up because she told me that she didn’t see a bit of love towards her, but only affection. I felt sick, because, as those bullies had played with my feelings, at that moment I seemed to have played with the feelings of a friend of mine, having deluded her. 

The University begins, new environment, new companions, on the one hand happiness, on the other, the umpteenth fear due to my appearance. Same behavior as in the high school, as if I hadn’t matured in those years. As usual, aloof from people who had already created small groups. After a few minutes M. sits next to me, an extrovert guy, solar, brown and with a little belly (eh eh!). In short, we begin to talk and somehow I see N. in him, but M. seemed even better. 

We were so close together that that we saw each other in the morning, the afternoon we studied together or at my home or at his, we went out in the evening. Even with him fraternal relationship, I managed to talk more, to trust in myself, and he also talked to me about his intimate problems, many times he asked me for advice and told me that I was a good listener. 

We created a small group, and we spent our evenings in bars, discos, between alcohol and entertainment. In “their” case, even girls, because they went to the disco with the intention of courting girls, I instead just to change, prisoner of my shyness, I was just trying to have fun. 

Last summer, summer 2014 (I will never forget it!), my parents go on vacation for a week and I send a message on the whatsapp group that we had in common: "Guys I have free house, if you want to come here to sleep, we organize some alcoholic evening or we give ourselves to meat cooked on the barbecue and wine, in short, use my home as a hotel!" M. took me seriously, got his suitcase and moved to me for a week. Woe to me that I sent that message! 

That week was overwhelming, we were walking around the house in our underwear, going out of the shower and staying naked for a half hour, we slept together and when we were in bed sexual talks were usual. I had to go continuously to the bathroom to lessen my excitement. 

After two days I confessed to him that I was happy that he had come, because I never had brothers and with him I could talk about everything and I was fine. After those words he hugged me, and in the following five days when I least expected it, while watching TV, while I was on the couch, he came and hugged me. When the seven days ended and he went away, I felt like crying. Take me for crazy, but for two weeks I couldn’t set foot in the room where we slept, I thought of him, it was something stronger than me. 

Perhaps at that moment the hidden part of me was about to come out. But a few days later, in addition to having engaged with a girl, he shoots a very ugly sentence. He has always been a bit racist, but I have never seen anything in his attitudes that was against gays. Sorry if I write to you this sentence, if you want, you cannot even read it, because in my opinion it is really very aggressive, and at that time I considered myself hetero, you can figure out how I can take it now. 

He said, I don’t remember exactly in what context "But ... the fags? All sick people, they should get treatment, because it's a disease ... if it were up to me I would reopen the ovens of Auschwitz, just to burn them all." So, you know, when you put someone on a pedestal and then it collapses? Here it is. 

In February, this year, out of curiosity I get on the scales and see "130 Kg", I said to myself: "Well ... there are people I saw on TV who weig 140/150/160, and cry, despair because now that they have understood the gravity of the situation they can no longer make a movement and everything is much more difficult. Why do I have to wait for that moment too? It’s very easy to get 20 kg. Why do I have to be sick? I have to lift my ass and get busy." 

I start the gym. Well, what about ... I noticed that in the locker room I had pleasure in seeing guys undress and take a shower. And I always tried to look at the guys in question in full, maybe if I was about the last exercise and there was a guy I liked, I calculated the time it would take for him to go undress and get into the shower, so I could see it. Just to masturbate then thinking about the guys seen that day. 

Obviously the time came for the "Why I do it?" And here again the twisted mind, with the self-defense system told me: "Anyway I definitely enjoy looking at the naked guys, because I'm obese and I like to see lean or athletic bodies." I think after reading these things, you smiled or said: "What problems does your brain have? Seriously!" Unfortunately it was so, I gave myself these stupid answers. 

In November I reached 85 kg, obviously I was very happy, also because relatives or people around notice your change and your willpower and congratulate. Then, finally, I had destroyed the barrier that had prevented me from dealing with people for years. Everything seemed perfect. But instead ... But no. Mid-November, new feelings of emptiness, as if something were missing, and I saw that I continued to be attracted by guys. Has it become a habit? 

I made the decision to go to a psychologist, I told him a little bit about my life. I noticed that at every session he always asked me the same question "Are you okay with your sexuality?" And I, like a stupid: "Yes yes, I'm fine." After that question strangely he changed the subject. After 5/6 sessions he told me "I don’t see anything unusual in you, because we talked for a long time, and you are convinced that everything is okay, I cannot do anything else." 

Now don’t ask me why and how, but 8 days ago, December 9th, I’m assailed by the umpteenth doubts and thoughts. I type on google "Test to understand if you are gay", and I come across Gay Project test (thankfully). I conclude the test and I have a positive result. I thought "Ok, it’s just a test", and I started out of pure curiosity to read stories of guys who understood they were gay, right here on the forum. At one point while I was reading, I take my head off the pc, I look out the window and in a loud voice I say, "I'm gay!" At that time I needed a writing that would come out of the computer maybe capitalized "Oh finally, and what the hell, and it took all this time?" 

Overwhelmed by the thing, I turned the computer off and went to bed. At that moment I thought back to my whole life, from childhood. That's why I was sick without N., I was in love with him. That's why I felt nothing for my girlfriend, not because she was like a sister to me, but because I didn’t feel love for girls, but just deep affection. That's why I was fine with M., and I even felt like crying, and collapsed when he made that statement. That's why at the gym I was excited looking at the guys. The day after I felt reborn! 

December 9th 2015 is perhaps a date I will not easily forget. On the one hand very happy, on the other a little less. Because at first I said to myself: "But what the heck, after finally managing to throw down the wall of obesity, now I have to face this other situation!" I know that this will be a difficult path full of obstacles, but ok, I accept it. It took me 9/10 years to fight obesity. Ok, it will take as many for this thing!" 

But who knows ..., as long as I'm quiet with myself, I've discovered my real self, I'm reborn and I'm optimistic. Now I just want to create friendships, because unfortunately in my city people are strongly homophobic, they don’t reach the level of M., but still don’t joke. So doing a C.O. it would be destructive, at least for the moment. I hope to create many friendships here, and to find out more about this new "world", because I'm totally unaware of some terminologies or sexual behaviors among gays. 

I THANK YOU for the time you have spent reading my story, because that a person who doesn’t know me should devote me 5/10/15 minutes of his time, it is already a gift. So I thank you for your time. I hope my story can give some confidence to all who are bullied, who are suffering, and who have suffered. I only tell you not to give up, to force you. Cannot you do it alone? I am at your disposal, from today on I will be in chat or here on the forum. Excuse me for any grammatical errors, it is 3.40 in the morning and I sincerely don’t want to read all the papyrus I wrote, in case I will do some changes. I hope I have written things in an orderly manner, because sometimes I tend to go from one thing to another. Thanks again and have a nice day!

Greetings from your Little Wolf!