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Hello Project,

reading posts on your blog I was very impressed by some that relate to the reactions of gay guys to the particular atmosphere of the gyms and swimming pools. I'm 23, I think I'm a guy at least average. Now my real problem is that for six months now my life is focused on the pool I attend three times a week. I say totally focused because even though I just started my last year for the master's degree and my studies are going well, in practice, I live only according to the pool. 

I am a mid-level swimmer, not exactly a duffer and could maybe do a little competitive activity if I worked out seriously, but for me the pool has a different meaning. I'm ashamed to write these things. I see that  guys write very freely about topics on which I would feel embarrassed to even write two lines. I think sometimes that  I have a lot of hang-ups. However I’ll try to say what happens to me, that is I feel a little Peeping Tom. I don't even try to build a relationship with a guy because I’m too afraid, but the day I have to go to the pool I feel very pumped, I don't know if you understand. In practice, the locker room is a bit like a torture, I would stay there for life if I could but I know that anyway I cannot exceed and I have to be very careful with my reactions. On the one hand I’m tempted and for the other I know that I have to repress. Now I have fixed shifts for a long time and I know all the guys of my shift, I'll bet my head that no one suspects anything, with me they are very natural and breezy but I'm very careful not to attract attention. 

There are three guys, a bit younger than me (20/21), they are always together joking with each other also at sexual level, but I have no doubt that they are all straight, I saw them with their girls and then their jokes in the locker room probably have a sexual meaning only for me. Sometimes I think I'd be straight to be there with the three guys and I could feel like them but it’s not so. They have become a bit my obsession. For a long time I thought they might be gay, or at least that would be one of them, but then slowly I lost hope. But still for me they are a beautiful image, a bit the image of the guys for excellence, beautiful, serene, happy to be alive, but I still look at them and not just for aesthetic reasons, practically I know every anatomical detail of each of the three and I have these things well etched on my mind. I dream of them often, and even dreams are not just naive and you can imagine the rest and I feel like a thief because in fact I'm stealing them something they would never give me if they knew how things really are. 

Am I crazy, Project? I think that I'll never be with a guy, let's say I'm almost sure, for me, sexuality is only this. It's as if I didn't want to grow up and tried to keep clinging to my life preserver which is the locker room in my pool. But then, even there, the sense of frustration is total, there are showers without separation but I never enter the showers area, this is another thing that makes me enormously uncomfortable, you can understand why I don't go there, but every time I leave my house to go to the pool I say a thousand times that it is the right time and that this time I have to go to the showers area without running away, but then the embarrassment takes over and I stay in the locker room and even there I'm always afraid to stay there a few minutes longer than necessary and give someone subject to get to the fact that I’m gay. 

In practice fantasies and repression for me are mixed together. I sincerely thought not to go to the pool to avoid this torment, but if I did so, later, I would not have anything really important for me, or perhaps only pornography! Well, it looks shabby but at least in the pool guys are real guys. I don't have gay friends, I don't think I'll have ever, because they may be gay guys who feel realized, they may have a boyfriend or at least try to have one but I don't even try, I feel no desire to react, I fell almost abandoned to the current and I think over time nothing will change. 

Should I go to a psychologist? With my parents, in practice, I have no dialogue, I could never tell them that I'm gay and I'm also an only child. Why am I writing to you, Project? I don’t even know, it's as if we met already, I've read many of your posts and they seem serious. In short, I don't even know what I'm looking for, maybe I’m just looking for someone to tell me what he thinks of me. If you want, you can publish this mail, It’s quite generic, I wonder what the guys of the forum will think, however they are already way ahead of me, I'm still at zero. This is my first attempt to be myself and it costs me a lot.

Hello Project. I expect your answer.