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Hi Project,

yesterday night you had a really huge patience. We talked until late at night, it was almost three o'clock. You know that my fixed subject is my ex. I had called you to let off steam for a while because I had not heard from him for several days. Even though he is no longer my boyfriend, we kept on staying in touch all the same. No sex, only talking, but I experienced very partially the trauma of detachment just because we continued to stay in touch. 

In short, yes, I considered a bit like a betrayal the fact that he didn’t call me for 15 days, as if it were a way to tell me or make me understand that I'm worth nothing for him, and I was beginning to process all the thing in the classical terms of betrayal: he has sex with another guy and he doesn’t care about me, so he just made fun of me, etc. etc., so I am the victim and I must hate him, but I don’t hate him at all, I just cannot. It is true that he has sex with another guy, but at least up to 15 days ago he remembered me and took me seriously. 

The thing that struck me most when I showed you all my beautiful claiming speech expecting you to console me and allow me to be a victim, was your way of reacting. You asked me if I really loved him and I told you yes, then you asked me if it's him who calls me or I'm the one who calls him and I told you he always calls him. You replied that "true love is another thing". I stayed bad for it, I felt offended, clubbed instead of understood and I could not give it an explanation. 

You asked me if I had ever worried about how he really was and I didn’t know what to answer. You also told me that in your opinion he cares about me and not a little, maybe even more than I care about him, I was very puzzled and I began to ask myself a lot of questions. I slept very little at night and I continually thought about my ex. In fact when we say that we fell in love with a guy we say it in view of our happiness, if we want to call it so, not in view of his happiness, and instead we should worry first of all about his happiness. I felt like a perfect fool who thinks he understood everything about love and instead he didn’t understand anything, one that confuses love and possession. 

This morning I did something I never did, in theory for fear of annoying, but actually to keep me at a safe distance from him. I picked up the phone and called him. It was clear that he was happy to hear me, I asked him why he had not called me again and he told me that he was afraid of bothering me and that was probably the case. We were about to lose contact just because we thought we understood each other's reactions while we didn’t understand anything at all, neither he nor I! 

We talked for more than an hour in a very serious and affectionate way, not with mawkishness as engaged couples who exchange pampering but with a true affection, that doesn’t faint for any reason. In fact we broke up, it's true, but we continued to love each other. I felt him in crisis with his boyfriend, he really fell in love but the other guy is not in love with him in the same way, my ex sees him elusive, sometimes looking for excuses not to meet him and he thinks his boyfriend is probably getting busy to find a guy with whom to feel better than he is with him. Now, my ex would not be upset if his current boyfriend was looking for another guy, in fact it is what he did with me, what he cannot stand is doing things secretly, not to speak clearly, answering in an evasive way. 

He was used to the utmost clarity when we were together, we used to say everything even in a brutal way, if it came spontaneously. After all, we decided together even the fact of separating, even if it seems paradoxical, and it has not been destructive for either of us. Now he feels degraded, little considered, he feels more like an object than like a person, he has the impression that he is only a marginal figure for his current boyfriend. I too sometimes told him no, maybe because I was tired for work, but I never kept him at a distance. 

I continue to think of him very often, he says that of our relationship he especially valued sex, but I think the key thing was just love each other, it was also for this that sex had a strong sense, because sex is not something technical. With the new guy there is a lack of warmth, they are always chatting on the phone as two sweethearts, with a lot of smilies and ILY, but in the end, that other guy doesn’t try to spend as much time as he can with my ex, and told him that he is a bit neurotic and that he "should try to improve" his character and this has put him in crisis because my ex is easily in crisis for these things and feels himself guilty of everything. 

I don’t know if their relationship will end, it can happen but not necessarily, at least for a while, because apparently things are going on, but I wonder: how is it possible that that guy doesn’t even notice that my ex does not feel at ease? How is it possible that he doesn’t notice it? Or maybe he doesn’t really care, but then why chatting and little hearts? He's not a kid, he's a grown man and he should understand that you cannot play with other guys. But I see my ex less prostrate than he was in similar situations before we got together. What I'm afraid of is that he can go a bit in depression, because when he was with that guy at the beginning and things were fine, I saw him truly serene, I would say sometimes just as happy as I had not seen him for years.

One thing I understood, Project: to love a guy, there is no need to go to bed with him, and even if you go to bed with a guy, that guy, in essence, may not really matter anything, as you say : "Love is another thing!"

If you want, post this email on the forum, because It could be useful for someone.

Still many good wishes for a Happy New Year!


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