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TO BE A GAY COUPLE OR NOT TO BE A GAY COUPLE? THAT IS THE QUESTION
#1
Dear Project,

I skip pleasantries, I would like to ask you what you think of a problem that has been troubling me for some time and worries me  even presently. The Gospel says to forgive not up to seven times but up to seventy times seven, but that is something that only the saints can do because it’s very difficult. Forgiving always and in any case is very difficult, and in the life of a couple such a behavior may imply many risks up to the point of being a destructive error that hurts both the partners. 

In my case it is not a matter of forgiving a betrayal, because if you think of betraying me it means that you are not well with me, I’m referring to other things, usually considered small things, but these are things that in the long run become very difficult to bear, and here it is not the logic of betrayal the one that can be used, the behaviors that I cannot forgive don’t derive from the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t feel at ease with me, but essentially from the fact that I only have two alternatives when I think of him: or I must acknowledge that our relationship doesn’t go well and sooner or later it will come to an end, or I must end up accepting him in any case, also when he raises his voice, when he screams, and so on … he never raised his hands because otherwise I would have destroyed him and also because objectively he is not the type who does such things, but he is inconsistent, he says one thing and makes another, changes radically opinion two or three times a week on important things. I must clarify that I love him and that I think he’s a great person, with many problems, but a very good person. 

We don’t live together, he’s 31 and I’m 36. He’s not one who betrays the trust of his partner. When we were together and he wanted to be with another guy, he told me it clearly and I couldn’t but take note of it, then it is passed and we got back together. I think I'm not able to make him feel happy, we are very different in so many things. Our story as a couple started with sex, then it became a more complicated thing that I wouldn't know how to define. We know each other well, between us there is a deep affection and sometimes but rarely it shows to the surface. 

Sexual interest has largely vanished on both sides, but when there is a problem we always meet, discuss and talk about it, even if we lately can hardly get in touch more than once a month due to work and family problems. I don’t deny that my basic fear is that of losing him, I would like to maintain lasting contact with him, he can also live a sex life of his own, far from me, I understand it and accept it, but I would like him to love me anyway. I might not be his boyfriend anymore, but I would like him to continue to think of me as a proper person, a person who loved and also actually loves him. 

After all, what can I reproach him for? For his being too insistent or too detached depending on where his mood brings him? But it's not even his fault, he doesn't even realize these things. Would I have to reproach him because he's always giving me lessons about problems that according to him can be solved only in his own way (and are anyway problems he doesn't really have to face), but in reality can't at all be faced like he thinks? Would I reproach him for that bit of cynical attitude, or for his despising that romantic behavior that I would have liked so much? But in the end he is himself and I like him precisely because he’s not my double, he’s not condescending, he doesn’t admit that I'm right if he thinks I’m not. Yes, my real fear is that he may disappear from my life. I don't know if it will happen, I really hope not, but I think that our getting apart from each other has been going on for some time now. Could I reproach him for such a thing? 

What did I do to deserve a companion like him? And I say it in the good sense. Have I tried to support him? That is, to do what he wanted me to do? If I have to be honest to the end, sometimes I kept him at a distance because sometimes he seemed to me too intrusive. Should I have gone along with him following him in everything? Would it really have been the right choice? I confess that sometimes I was afraid of him, of his reactions, of his insistence. Fear is an inadequate word, I wanted above all to maintain my autonomy because I thought that our relationship would have been somehow impossible. I wasn't comfortable even when we used to meet one day a week, if we had gone to live together all the contradictions would have broken out. 

However, Project, even if in my own way, that is in a very strange way, I love him. What could I do for him? Could I really solve his contradictions? I think that in the long run I would be an extra problem for him. Now we talk once every 15 days and we meet almost never. When we see each other the embarrassment is very strong. I think he’s worried about the future, not about the future of our relationship but for his tomorrow, for the work that he cannot find, for the economic insecurities, basically for the project of his life. Now he’s more resistant to depression, or perhaps he just seems more resistant. 

I have known him for several years now, I wish he would not forget me, but I feel that he's already forgetting me or better I'm afraid of it, when I call him on the phone I’m afraid of bothering him, I would like to ask him to meet but I'm afraid he can say no and so I avoid. I never know what to do, how to behave. I would like to tell him "I love you" ... but in the end what does that mean? I love him and I think he loves me too, but it’s something strange and perhaps for him it no longer makes sense, admitted and not granted that it had had a meaning for him before. 

The fact is that we are complicated, I’m speaking about me too, I’m 36 years old but I feel like I was 60, I’m  inclined to renounce, I make stupid sermons about good feelings that hardly can exist and so I make him angry, because he doesn’t like such things, I mean chatting about such meaningless subjects. He considers me old inside, switched off, without enthusiasm, but when he’s dominated by his black moments of depression he really scares me, he closes up in himself and it's impossible to establish any contact with him. In short, I think you have more or less understood where I am in the ford. What would you do in my place? All hypotheses are open and possible.
I hug you.
Robert
_________
 
Dear Robert,

an adult relationship between adults is not a fairy tale and I would say that your relationship has the characteristics of complexity and contradiction of serious relationships. In fact, with all possible and imaginable doubts, you have remained "in some way" together. To love one another is often a very difficult road, full of doubts and uncertainties of every kind, because in reality no model can be followed and the relationship must be built in two, day after day. 

Only one thing came to my mind reading your mail, if I were in your place I would try to put the hesitations aside, I would tell him what I think without reticence, first of all that "I love you" that puts you in crisis, and then the many " I don't know what to do", I would tell him everything very simply because, if he didn't love you he would have disappeared in a definitive way long time ago and without coming back of any kind. 

Call him, let you be heard, let him at least trust you like a reliable friend, don't leave him alone. Very often we feel obliged to put ourselves aside taking for granted things that have nothing to do with reality. If he has no one and is really alone, your presence can be very important, if he has an alternative life, then he can anyway be pleased to know that one of his ex's remained his friend. 

And as for you, it's certainly better to have a clear view of things than turn endlessly around a thousand hypotheses. If you are really a couple, well there isn't any problem, otherwise you can go on being friends. You have maintained an understanding attitude towards your boyfriend and even towards his diversion with another guy. You aren’t reproaching him for anything, on the contrary you worry about him, you love him. If you don't love a guy, you don't worry about how he can feel. In other words, don't devalue your relationship under any circumstances because, whatever it is, it's still a serious and important thing for both.
A hug.
Project
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