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SWAN SONG OF A GAY RELATIONSHIP
#1
Dear Project,
there are days when you have the impression that you have bet on the right things and you see that slowly problems begin being resolved, situations stabilize and true personal relationships are not contradicted, or so it seems. In my life I have had only one companion, only one true friend, only one partner, he has had and has actually also other gays, other friends, other partners, but I have always been there in his real world and not superficially, I consider this a certainty, but obviously in this world the certainties are however hypotheses. 

I have had guys who would have liked to be with me but I preferred to be with my friend, perhaps in a lesser tone, even when it was difficult, because I felt that there was something unique between us that would not fail, or at least I thought it would not fail. He wasn't simply a guy, he was the guy who had wanted me, who had searched for me, who had trusted me, who had taken me seriously. I have seen him cry many times, I have seen him go through moments of deep despair but I believed in him because he has never cheated me and because he is deeply honest, this, which may seem like little, I feel I can say with conviction. 

Now we are no longer kids, neither he nor I, and I see him, step by step, conquer everything that previously seemed very distant and almost a mirage. To say that I love him is an understatement and in some way sounds inappropriate. He is free, he is not bound to me but he knows that I love him and he treats me with affection, with respect, as only he knows how to do, even this might seem little but I think it is true. There is one thing, only one thing that does not allow me to say that I’m truly satisfied, at least as far as it is possible, and that puts me in crisis: when I look my partner in the eye, I see so much melancholy, even when we are together, even in moments when sex should take away the melancholies. Those melancholies are there and remain there despite a set of things that go well or at least seem to go well. 

I don't know if there will ever be someone capable of making him feel really good, that is, capable of dissolving that veil of melancholy that doesn’t go away. When I look into his eyes, I would very much like that melancholy not to exist but instead it exists and then I feel useless, it is as if I were playing a part that does not get to the heart of the problem anyway. At certain times I am afraid of being intrusive, of expecting too much, or at least of wanting to understand too much, I try to reduce him improperly to my categories, I see myself as from the outside and I feel detached because that veil of melancholy does not tear and behind that veil more rigid, more formal, more banal attitudes are built on both sides, which I feel as a devaluation of the meaning of what yet there has been, and perhaps a good part of it is still present, after all it is a way of renouncing to truly understand each other. 

Sometimes I think that other people could and maybe can do what I have not been able to do and I hope this actually happens. In that case I would not hesitate to put myself completely aside if he were oriented in this direction, it would not basically be a renunciation because it would mean that someone has managed to make him happy while I, with all my impulses, have not succeeded, that is I haven’t come to truly understand him. In certain cases, retiring in good order is a moral duty more than a sign of affection, it is certainly not him that I can blame for my failure, I respect him, I love him, but I know and I have always known that he has his own world and that that world could really make him feel good. I know practically nothing about that world, all in all I think it is a serious world, probably complicated, if not downright twisted, but certainly not superficial. I don't feel in conflict with that world because it will end up taking my partner away from me, deep down I always thought it would happen. 

I have to complete my part, however small it may be, because, despite doubts and insecurities, I want to leave at least one memory, I don't say positive, but at least not negative, or rather I just want to go out on tiptoe without causing damage, just fade away, I want to close a long parenthesis of life without tearing so that it remains a memory of it, I do not say good, but at least not negative. The symphony must be closed with a slow diminuendo, so imperceptible as to seem natural. I think this will be the best gift I can give him. The reason for this slow goodbye is not in anyone's power. Everything makes relative sense, even the best of things. Inability to communicate is a characteristic of human life that cannot be overcome, the claim to understand another person is precisely a claim that ultimately manifests itself for what it is. 

It is as if there was a destiny, as if everything was already written and ineluctable, you can live your part in a more or less participatory way, but you cannot change it. Facts have their own logic, beyond people. To love is only to seize the moment with the awareness that it is ephemeral. Loving a guy means understanding that you can only love him if you accept that he will not change your life, that he will go his way, that you will never fully understand him and that he will be another center of the world similar to yours only partially. All love is precarious and it must be understood before it ends up in order to consciously accept the course of events. Loves without illusions are always waiting for the conclusion that may never come, but must be lived with the awareness of an imminent conclusion. 
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