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SUMMER GAY SEX
#1
Hi Project,
I have read a few posts on the forum and I also have something to say. If you think this email is not too provocative, you can put it in Gays and Sex.

We are in the height of summer, me and my him (now I no longer wonder if he is my boyfriend or anything like that, however, at least in terms of sex, things have been going on for years and all in all they work) we met right around 14.00 . We were dripping with sweat, and oh well, you can understand, this doesn’t cause me problems of any kind. We had some sex, so to speak, not stressing. I was out of breath more from the heat than for anything else, because it was really suffocating, he dripped sweat, but he didn't need to drink or even dry himself, I pretended nothing happened, but after about ten minutes I told him " Can we take a break?" He replied "Sure!" I meant a break to cool off and dry off, but obviously he didn't need it, I dried myself and then I lay down on the bed, on the cooler side, he stayed where he was, picked up the phone and started texting. I didn’t know what to do, I thought that maybe he wanted to see if there was a call or an important message and I expected that after a few minutes he would start to devote himself to me again, but the minutes passed and he didn't take his eyes off the phone, and in the end I told him "The phone embarrasses me a little" and he replied: "Oh, sorry ..." and we resumed having sex as before the break. For him, opening the phone while he is with me and staying on it for an hour is normal, he doesn’t realize that these behaviors arouse, to say the least, perplexity. He just doesn't notice such things. He has a conception of sex limited to technical sex, the rest doesn’t exist for him, he doesn’t consider it at all. Once, on a very hot day, I suggested we take a shower together, he turned up his nose and said "I don't like it, I prefer alone." I would have strangled him! Once I had proposed to him to stop at my house and sleep with me, but he didn't want to hear anything similar and he set off again late at night and traveled about sixty kilometers to go to sleep at his house, and it was two o'clock in the night! Sometimes I had the weakness to send him some text messages but he never answered me, those things simply don’t exist for him, they have no value. That he has a sex-only relationship with me, at the limit, is okay, that is, I can understand it, but with the other guys I thought he had an emotional relationship too, in short also made up of tenderness, because this seemed, but then in the end I think he doesn't have an emotional relationship with anyone at all. When I try to talk to him he runs away and does it almost systematically, or at least now he does it systematically, years ago there was a bit of dialogue, but then that too passed into the category of the superfluous. Over the years he has gradually closed like a mussel. It is always him the one who is looking for me and this might seem like a gesture of attention towards me, but it is not so, he doesn’t want to be sought. If I were looking for him, it could happen at the wrong time (and something similar really happened) and I could make him miss opportunities that are important to him. I know that he has other guys, but I don't know if the other guys know they are "in good company", but that one they should have understood. I have wondered many times if he would come to my house without the prospect of having sex, that is, if he would come just to talk or to go out together and the answer I think is clearly no. He doesn't want to go out with me, that is, he doesn't want to be seen around with me. I can understand this too, he is much more handsome than me and some of his guys are also really handsome, maybe he shows up with them, but not with me because he would lose score, but maybe I'm too bad-thinking. I've always wondered if he's really okay with me, on a sexual level it would seem so, but the rest just doesn't exist. I have no idea how he can consider me, but I don't think he considers me very well and on the other hand he doesn't even consider himself well, he devalues himself, he belittles himself, I think that sometimes he is afraid of affectivity, he doesn't like being complimented. I wondered what of good I find in him, because in fact anyway I find something good in him and not a little, otherwise I too would have gone away as others did. The decisive elements are two, first of all the fact that he is a handsome guy, tall, strong, quite the opposite of me and then that he is blunt to the point of brutality. He doesn’t cheat you, he tells you: “I’m like that! Take or leave!" A few years ago he fell in love with a guy who seemed very ugly to me, even uglier than me he felt bad because this guy didn't really consider him and he practically didn't give a damn. He would have done anything for that guy, he went after him like a little dog, he tried to tempt him and I would almost say to lure him with nice words, always showing himself humble and interested to the point of assuming a servile attitude, but he did not get any results and I think that such things or similar happened some other times. He is always inclined to extremes behaviors, he doesn't understand normal things at all, he sees them as bonds, I think that, even if he has had and continues to have sex with a lot of guys, he has never been happy with anyone, that is, he has never had a partner who really loved him. I tried to, maybe I love him, but halfway, because if the answer is not there, in the end the feelings cool down, the first time you pass over it and the second too, but then inevitably the illusions pass and yes you accept half a relationship, and even less than half, and slowly that too loses its meaning. Sometimes I dream of an emotional response from him but no! None of this. Sex yes, all you want, and true, that is, he doesn't act, but I wonder how it is possible to be with a guy, have sex with him without acting, and all this without loving that guy, sometimes I try to console myself by telling myself that real sex without love doesn’t exist, but then I seem to go hunting for fairy tales to soothe my frustration that sometimes makes itself felt. I wondered what my life would be like without him, sometimes I think I would be fine, that is, better than how I am with him, but other times I think I would miss him. I never ask him questions about his sex life, he does whatever comes into his head, but I think he's basically lonely. He has a good job that stresses him a lot and they offered him to go to Germany, because he speaks German well, he talked about this possibility with his guys and they started to distance themselves and put him aside, because if he has to go away, they prefer to look for another partner, none of those guys thought they might follow him, on the contrary it occurred to me. Sometimes I feel stupid, but other times I want our relationship to end like this: he goes away and I don't hear from him anymore, but every time I thought about it, he then came back anyway. He's not bad, he's not aggressive, he treats me well in his own way. For a few years he tried to change me, somehow he lectured me, he wanted me to understand that for him sexuality is also something else, that he also needs something else, then he realized that you cannot turn a horse into a dog and he ended up taking me as I am and he did it without recrimination. He asks me not to unload anxiety on him, not to talk to him about negative things, about illnesses or about people who are sick, he says that he already has too many anxieties and I think it is very true. He believes in psychology and psychologists, that is, he thinks that they can somehow change your life, that they can offer you a key to understand yourself and others. When the dialogue between us tends to zero he insists that I go to a psychologist, he sometimes went there and says that it was useful, but I wonder in what, because I see him exactly as he was before with the same complexes and the same anxieties as before and then it makes me angry that he talks about his things with a sex therapist (female and straight) and not with me! He says that the psychologist understands him ... and okay, he is free to believe whatever he wants! He has started doing some sport again and it shows, now he has a toned body which is a beauty but if I tell him such things he gets angry and begins to devalue himself. Sometimes I wondered how he described me to the psychologist, I would have liked to be a fly to attend that interview keeping myself unseen, but probably with the psychologist he has never talked about me, and anyhow I don't think I am a central topic, I am the everyday guy not in the sense of every day, because we see each other every 10-15 days and even more, but in the sense that I’m the constant and habitual presence that is taken for granted and that is part of the banal ordinary administration of his life, I’m not part of the treasure of the crown, I’m at most a silver tie clip, not even one of the gold ones, which cannot be shown off in public and is kept closed in a drawer. Maybe I'm unloading too much acidity on him and basically he doesn't deserve it. I wonder what a guy like him can find in me sexually, he can have the most beautiful guys and actually has them. But he never disappeared. I have never been put to oblivion, well, this is an important virtue of his, he doesn’t file you, sooner or later you feel him again and this, in my opinion, means that there is an emotional contact anyway.
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