07-31-2018, 11:14 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-31-2018, 11:15 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Hello Project, I read your manual Being Gay, especially the chapter on sexual violence and sexual harassment. You insist a lot on the problems that the guys who have been subjected to violence or harassment can have in recognizing their sexual orientation, this is clearly very important, I don’t deny it, but you don’t deal at all with another point namely the long term effects at of violence or harassment on the sexuality of the boy who grows up and then becomes an adult. I would like to tell you about my experience, which I think could be useful to those who have lived or are living similar experiences.
Currently I am 31 years old (almost), when I was a child, I was eight years old, I repeatedly suffered harassment by an uncle, a married man, with children, an quite old man, dead for several years now. Even though I've thought many times about those things, I can’t even tell how it started. At that time, me and my family (only my father and my mother) went on holiday in the mountains in a small village in central Italy where my mother was born and where my maternal grandparents and my uncle still lived with his family (wife and two children, my cousins, a lot older than me, at that time 16 and 18).
My uncle seemed to me very good-natured, quite big/fat, he had always treated me well, I played a lot with him, I climbed on his shoulders and he carried me on a horseback on his neck, I tormented him a bit, I pinched him and he laughed and let me do, he didn’t keep me at a distance. I don’t really remember how it happened, I thought about it so many times and I tried to reconstruct the scene, let's say that the reconstruction, with all the limits it can have, is that we were alone and I touched him “there” and he let me do as he always did and then I continued and then I got the curiosity and I didn’t stop and I provoked him, he started to laugh and I teased him, then. . .
I don’t go into details, but we did oral sex, of course I to him, on the other hand he was not interested in me in that other sense, he just wanted me to do it to him. In the end he didn’t intimidate me to prevent me from telling other people what had happened, he knew I would never do it. The following day he avoided meeting m and I was very sad, nevertheless the following days what had happened the first time happened again and since then it happened every time we were alone together. I never said anything to anyone. At the time, perhaps I was already attracted to prohibited games or maybe I didn’t even understand what it was. I had not taken it as too important, it was a kind of game. I didn’t have a real trauma from this thing, which lasted more or less for a month.
I started to masturbate very early, at the beginning of the sixth grade, about 11 years old, and I had clearly gay fantasies, in my fantasies there were also, but not only, scenes similar to those that I had lived with my uncle, I made fantasies about guys well in flesh and on the kind of sexual practices I had experimented with him. Slowly I began to realize what it was what we had done, I asked myself a thousand questions, for example if I had to consider my uncle a delinquent who had taken advantage of me, or maybe I had so provoked him up to induce him to something like that, my brain often worked on these contents that always resurfaced in masturbation.
I've had several guys with whom I've had sex, I've been with men much older than me, I don’t know if this happened because I wanted to relive the situation that had lived with my uncle, but as an adult it's completely different, even if it is with a man much older than me, there is a substantial parity, I like that they leave me free to do what I want even sexually, but we also speak, in short, it's really another thing, we are two adults anyway.
I noticed that I don’t fall in love with men much older than me, I can have sex with them (a bit repeating the famous scene) but I lose my mind especially for guys more or less my age and when I lose my head I feel very bad because then maintaining a true relationship with peers is very difficult, with much older men, on the contrary it is much easier, generally (with some exceptions) they are not jealous and, contrary to what is thought, they don't go mad for sex, they seek above all companionship and affection, but these things unfortunately cannot involve me too much.
I've never lost my mind for kids, and I've turned 30, I was afraid of losing my mind for some very young kids, but it never happened. The youngest boy for whom I lost the head was 18 and I was 19, but sometimes I think of watching a video that plays something similar to the famous scene with my uncle. But anyway I would not see myself in the part of the adult but in that of the boy.
I talked about these things with one of the adult men I have been with, but he told me that a pedophile looking for much older men is unthinkable and that all my talk on this point was nothing but the search for reassurance, that is the search for a moral approval or for some sharing or accepting and told me that fantasies are one thing and behaviors are a very different thing and that according to him, after what I had suffered as a child, the fact that I could make those fantasies was something almost inevitable.
It seems absurd that I am still looking for reassurance at the age of 30, but I think that's exactly what I'm doing. I talked about these things even with young friends, about my age, but the reaction was much duller, they turned up their noses, because what they had heard didn't fit their principles, one told me that I had to report my uncle to the police, another, after this speech, disappeared at all.
I notice that I tend to test the men I know by asking them what they would do if they were in a situation like that of the famous scene, on the part of the adult man, at what point they would stop, how they judge the whole thing. I always find a lot of embarrassment in these things on the part of the people I try to involve, but I need to understand how they judge those situations, namely how they judge me.
When my uncle died I had just turned 17, I felt a sense of terrible discomfort, not of liberation or similar things, I was just uncomfortable and for a very special reason, when my fantasy returned to what we had done I felt dirty, not for the thing in itself but for having done it with someone who was dead, a bit like putting sex and death together.
With regard to my uncle I always felt very ambiguous feelings, on one side, I cannot deny it, he abused me, and it was an unpardonable thing that had many consequences, but for the other, after many years, it also made me feel bad and sorry for him, because I think this thing oppressed him as a guilt till to the end.
I also feel a little guilty because, without giving any explanation to anyone, I avoided seeing him even when he was ill and I think if I saw him again and told him that I didn’t hate him for what he had done, he would have died more serene.
There is also another fact that gives me to think, sex is too important for me, at least I think it is, and it bothers me when I call one of the guys or of the older men I know to have a little sex and they are reluctant and always wait for me to make the first step, a bit like sex is less important to them.
Sometimes with much older men I notice a reluctance with respect to immediate sexual approaches, generally they don’t say no to me but I don't find a real enthusiasm and then they have some attitudes as a teacher, as a father, that give me a little annoyance, I don’t speak of sermons or similar things, they don’t do such things, but attempt to always give me reason when I'm wrong, they attempt to find in me a lot of good sentiments and inclinations that there aren’t at all, as if they wanted to encourage or to console me. I do not know if all this rant has a logical thread, I send you this mail because I read what you wrote about intergenerational relationships. Those are certainly well-balanced things, but reality is often much more convoluted than theory and finding there a logic is not really possible.
Of my life, all in all, I feel quite happy, I don’t have a boyfriend and I miss him a lot, I only had one for a couple of years, then he became unbearable (jealous) and I didn’t bear him anymore, but I have some real friends (three) and with them there is also a bit of sex (one at a time), now I think that all three know this and it seems that it does not create problems, at least with two of them, with the third I don’t know, pity that he is the one I care more. I have long since stopped believing in the white mill gay family, there is only one value that I believe is very important in gay relationships and it is clear talking, honesty, not pretending. Until now I felt quite comfortable. Returning to the point, well the famous scene certainly produced consequences in my life but I think it went to me much better than it went to many others. Let me know.