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RECONSTRUCT A GAY SEXUALITY
#1
Hello Project, it's about a month that I discovered Gay Project. I come back there every day even several times. I had thought about writing to you but then I didn't. But I read your post about unconscious conditioning and I thought about breaking the ice. I am young but not so young guy, I am 28 years old and I feel deeply conditioned, up to my soul. Let's say I'm an ex-straight, in the sense that up to 24 years I did everything to get pleased by the girls (a psychologist had told me that it depended on I don’t know what block, but let’s forget such things), total voluntary isolation from the other guys, I avoided them in order not to think about them sexually, and experienced even attempts to excite me with straight porn. I had (so to speak) even a girl, chosen among the less aggressive ones, I tried to caress her, to hold her hand, to do a little petting, I on her, but it was completely unnatural for me. I've never had any straight fantasies, absolutely never. 
 
As to masturbation, at the beginning, 13/14 years, I lived it very well because I didn’t understand what it was and then it was essentially physical, when I realized at the age of 15 that I could actually be gay, and even masturbating thinking of guys meant exactly being gay, total repression has begun also in that field. I went to church every day to try to make me the obligation not to think about sex and here what I'm about to write may seem strange because in the end I managed it, I stopped masturbating practically up to 25 years.
 
I read the things you wrote about masturbation and now I begin to understand, but until three years ago I was so conditioned, or rather I was so self-conditioned that I had even gone so far as to not have a sex life, and I was proud of it, it seemed to me that I had accomplished something very important, at school I was fine and also at the university. I understand in hindsight that it was all nonsense but at that time I felt like a superman. It went on like that until 24/25 years, when I took my specialistic graduation  in a scientific subject and in a brilliant way, now I work in the university and the prospects are good, indeed very good. I don’t say this to boast but to emphasize that, let's say, the total repression of sexuality has also brought me some advantages, but I'm beginning to pay a very high price for it. I explain to you. After graduating, the professor asked me to follow a student who was preparing his thesis on a subject very close to the one I had studied for my thesis, and that guy was expected to graduate after six months, he was 24 and I 25, do you understand where the story is about to end up?
 
He had to do the thesis and I followed him, in a sense I had a power over him, we spent the days together in the laboratory because of the thesis and in the end we created a strange relationship between us, played only on the unsaid. I tried to keep myself as professional as possible and he treated me with a lot of respect, then it melted a bit. Being close to this guy was hell for me. I made sure to meet him only when there were people in the institute and I tried to keep at a distance in every possible way, I felt him as a danger to my stability, he was fascinating me day after day and sometimes embarrassing situations were created, don’t believe who knows what, just we exchanged looks, eyes in the eyes or smiles that you don’t explain. It was then that I tried with the girl and the experience was depressing.
 
Finally he graduated and for me it was just like a liberation, but it didn’t last long. Three days after graduation he called me back and told me that he would have liked to invite me to dinner, I said yes, before, then I tried an excuse and I didn’t go and the same evening he sent me a text message: " Come on, don’t be afraid, don’t run away. . . " This text has put on me a terrible state of agitation, I thought that he had misunderstood (understood) those moments of embarrassment and I couldn’t stand the idea that he could understand something of my sexual sphere. I didn’t answer him and the next day he came back with another text message: "I'll go to university tomorrow when you go out. Don’t run away!" This message unnerved me but to tell the truth also awakened in me other feelings that I had never experienced. Nobody had ever been interested in me before for things that were not of work or study, but I knew very well that he was looking for me as a person, something beautiful, yes, but also shocking for me.
 
In short, it's time to meet him, he asks me for a ride to his house, it never happened, but I say yes, he gets in the car, I'm afraid he asks me embarrassing questions but he does everything by himself, basically he tells me that he's gay and he thinks he has fallen in love with me. I react badly and I beg him to come down, to let me go and never to call me again, he doesn’t seem to believe my words but I raise my voice and make him go down, he looks at me, raises his hands and doesn’t say a word. But I was upset because I had gone into erection while I was speaking with him.
 
Back home I threw myself under a frozen shower, then I thought about him and I didn’t know what to do but the erection came back and for the first time I didn’t try not to think about him, actually I thought about him with tenderness and sexual tenderness. I took the phone, I wanted to text him but I called him and we talked. I apologized and tried to prolong the conversation and so we were talking for almost two hours and I was always erect. I had told him nothing about my sexuality. We said goodbye with the promise that the following week we would go to get a pizza together.
 
Closed the phone I masturbated thinking of him. At the moment it was beautiful, then I felt very bad because I had interrupted my way of being that had lasted for many years and I had done it thinking of a guy, but on the other hand I was also aware that now there were no more doubts, I was gay, even though I knew very well even before.
 
We then went to get that blessed pizza and since then we meet systematically and have lunch together twice a week, now it has become a consolidated tradition. He told me about his life as a gay guy and I felt his life dangerously similar to mine, for several months I didn’t tell him anything about me then something happened that is quite a  declaration, he took my hand and held it between his and for a long time, after this gesture there was no need for anything else, according to him. We had known each other for almost two years, it was now at least time to kiss each other. I wanted it, but I feared I could lose control and then other thoughts came to my mind that are really absurd and unworthy of a person who thinks he's intelligent. I wondered how it would have been with him sexually, I tried to imagine how he had it and I told myself that then maybe in practice it would have been quite different from what I imagined and I thought that something like this could have put everything in crisis.
 
Before reading your forum I had some strange ideas about gays, I thought maybe that I would have felt compelled by him to do things that I didn’t want to do. I told him no, that is that I didn’t want to have sex with him and I asked him to do the HIV test, we did it together and it was negative and I didn’t know what else to invent and I told him everything. He hugged me and told me that he loved me and that, for him, sex is not the most important thing.
 
Even here I felt a moment of relief but soon after the disappointment took over because I would have wanted a sexual insistence on his part, and I told him and now we are at this point that I feel completely stuck, I masturbate every day thinking of him but I don’t think I could ever have sex with him. I told him I would not like the penetration and he told me that these are things he never thought about. We talked about our sexual fantasies and they are very similar but for him the possibility of living his fantasies in couple evidently exists, for me it's like thinking of overcoming a mountain, I feel stuck and I don’t even know what to do. I feel gay, yes, a step forward I did, I think and I want to make love with the guy I now consider my boyfriend and I love because he is a really wonderful guy, but I still have a damn fear of sex.
 
Let's say that we are making small progress and that he has infinite patience and I will probably be able to unlock myself, in fact now I think and do things that even six months ago I would never have done or thought of. But if I hadn’t found him, for me sexuality would have been an uncharted territory in a definitive way and I still feel inside me so many resistances to live sexuality as you say.
 
The thing that I regret most is to make my boyfriend suffer because sometimes, in my opinion, he thinks that I don’t love him enough or perhaps that he is not able to involve me adequately. But just when I see him discouraged, I can take a few steps forward with sex and are things of an incredible sweetness. Project, if I had found Gay Project five years ago I probably would have lived in another way, better or worse I don’t know, but in another way, but now I want to regain my sexuality because a world that I would have never imagined is opening up in front of me. Project, I have reread this email and it is generic enough to save privacy, so if you think it can serve something, publish it. Thank you for what you unconsciously did for me too.

A hug. A.D.
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