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Hi Project,
I guess I made you damn in the last few days or rather in the last nights, when we were awake until dawn, chatting on Skype. You had a nice patience that I would never have expected. Today I think that reading my story, or rather understanding some of the most particular aspects of my story, you can guess what you have helped to remove. Do you remember when we started to discuss about religion? You didn’t realize how I couldn’t know anything about Christianity. The reason is simple, I’m not a Christian, not because of particular problems or because of ideal motivations but because I have been educated in another religion which, however, I only partially feel mine.

I don't want to go into details because I would like you to insert this email in the forum, in the section dedicated to religion, but without any explicit reference to any particular religion. As you also understood from my way of writing, I’m not of Italian origin. And I say for those who will read this email, that the email has been properly rewritten by Project, because for me writing a long email in Italian would be an almost impossible thing.

The religious teaching I received identifies the family as the pillar of the life of a community, my teachers insisted very much on this point, assuming as an unquestionable principle that a man must marry and have many children. Having one or two children, as it happens here in Europe, for us would mean not obeying our religious precepts. I assimilated these things as a child, when I had no realistic perception of my sexuality, and what I was taught seemed obvious to me. Then, as I grew older, about the age of 14, I began to perceive many speeches about procreation as strange and dissonant when applied to me, I perceived more and more clearly the difference between what I was and what I should have been.

All the other precepts of my religion continued and still continue to be unquestionable pillars for me, because they seem wise and noble to me, but the idea that I have to get married out of duty I just can't accept it, and then, adapting to such a thing I would ruin the life of a woman and this is not right.

I have never been with a guy and I think it will never happen, because I feel very restrained by the behavior rules that have been taught to me, and then I limit myself to maintaining only a friendship with guys, but I could never accept to get married out of obligation, I feel that such a thing would be equivalent to being forced to pretend all life long and then I would end up teaching my children something different than what has been taught to me and I would feel one who betrays the sacred duty to pass on the religion of his family and people.

I can also avoid doing what I want, but I can't force myself to do what doesn't come naturally to me in any way. When I was younger I tried to force myself and to have contacts with girls, but having sex with a girl is something I can't even conceive of. In my environment, that is, in the environment linked to my religion, officially we never talk about sex, everything is taken for granted, but where I work there are many Christians and there they also talk about sex, I never talk about it, but my work colleagues talk about it a lot. I realize that they live in another way but I also understand that they all have a girlfriend and that having a girlfriend for them is not only obvious but desirable. They will be able to have a family and will have children, but I will not be able to such a thing.

Regardless of religion, I’m always looking for homosexual guys, to see if a friendship can be created, but I’m not of European origin and just looking at me it is easy to understand it and this fact already creates a little marginalization, and then I think that a European homosexual guy tends to almost instinctively keep away from guys who are not of European origin.

In short, I’m alone and I think I will be alone also in the future, out of respect for my religion I can accept this too, and it is something that costs me a lot, but I cannot pretend to be what I’m not.

For me, coming to Europe was truly shocking, I found myself in an environment very far from my world of origin, in some respects fascinating but for others difficult to reconcile with my moral principles, which then are those I was taught. Guys here have too much freedom, we, perhaps, have too little of it, but finding a middle ground is really difficult starting from where I started.

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