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Hello Project,
I’m a 19-year-old guy, unfortunately many problems you talk about in the manual Being Gay (which I read avidly anyway) are still very far from me, those are things that I can only dream about but I see nevertheless impossible in practice now, before considering such arguments I have to be economically independent and also able to go away from my home. My biggest problem at the moment consists in getting away from my parents who are also young (47 and 44) but they think they can manage my life according to their thoughts and  purposes, they consider such proceeding as something obvious and natural, and take it for granted. 

This year I have to graduate from high school, I have been always good at school but once away from school I don't want to stay in my city anymore for any reason. But there is a problem: I live in a big city where there is a university that has practically all the faculties and therefore it becomes difficult to make a choice that can take me away from home, and anyway I don't want to go to a nearby city maybe 50 km from home to go back and forth every day without being able to really get away from home. I had thought of going to Naples or Venice, and in the end it wouldn't even matter to me in which faculty, because now I’m focusing essentially on how I can get away from home. I had also thought of a scientific faculty with limited access, which I wouldn't dislike at all, I had also thought of the Academy of Fine Arts, but even if art fascinates me, I can't even hold a pencil in my hand. I exclude altogether some faculties, like human sciences and philosophy or law, while I would like political science. I’m still very confused because I have to make a choice that can take me away from home rather than a simple choose of the faculty. 

My parents don't know anything about me, think, Project, that I have two smartphones, the official one, which I leave around quietly and the private one that no one has ever seen and that has a ringtone constantly set at zero and is kept in the case of a programmable calculator. My home computer has no password because there is nothing risky inside. My parents think that I have not yet discovered sex because I don't have a girlfriend, for them gays are not normal people, they imagine them as green men or zombies gone mad with sex. I'm a normal guy from every point of view, except one, so I can't be gay, because I'm not green, I don't use drugs and I don't jump on the guys on the street. 

My parents are both graduates but in certain things they are at unimaginable levels of ignorance: they confuse gays and trans, and even gays and pedophiles, and this makes me very angry, and they talk about these things as if they knew everything about sex, while I have to act the role of the indifferent and have to be careful to act well such role. No gay books at home, of course, my whole gay world is virtual and online. 

I won't tell you about school, which is not a bad environment from other points of view, but for me it's like being in a cage: it's full of guys and there are super ones in every sense, but I can hardly exchange more than a few words with them. In my class (we are 24) 16 are girls, and my seven male companions, apart from the fact that they aren’t absolutely attractive on a physical level, they have little brains and little character, autonomy is useless for them, they have (practically all of them) a steady girl who is okay with their parents and probably chosen by parents themselves, oh well, I'll never understand things like that! Are there gays in my school? I don't know, of course 95% are explicitly straight and the remaining 5% seem to have no sexual interest and in that 5% many are or perhaps pretend to be homophobic. 

Even for this I dream of the university: more freedom, more contacts with the guys, more chance of having a life of my own, without intrusions and without people shooting judgments every 5 minutes. I dream of the university because I can't stand my father who wants to appear like a master of everything, even of sex, and he chases me without giving me respite, as an unwelcome adviser, thinking he is a modern parent, he doesn't even notice that certain ways of doing for me are repulsive and that I have to endure him just because I can't send him to that country … you know where. My mother always repeats the same things: that behind a good king there is always a good queen, that certain things can only be understood by women (and I never understood what she was talking about), and furthermore my mother is a teacher and tries to be a teacher even at home, she asks me questions, asks me things about history and literature, as if I were a student of hers, sometimes I was upset when I didn't know how to answer, now I look at her with eyes full of pity, as if for tell her: "That's enough! Still repeating this music? "
Then there is the sex chapter. At my house, when we are all the three of us (I'm an only child! Another of my fortunes!) Even the word sex is taboo, when my mother is not there, my father begins to bother me showing ways of doing so slimy and insinuating that make him, if possible, more odious than usual. The only thing that pleases me is that he only speaks to me of girls, a sign that maybe he thinks I'm repressed or frustrated but always straight. This regards my parents, then there is masturbation which is no longer a problem but before, when I was attending church with my parents, it had become a real obsession, but now with the church I have closed and I have no more problems in that particular field, I do what I like and that's all, anyway I have to be very careful inside my house, because there are no keys on the doors and my mother in particular walks with a step so light (like a spy!) that usually I can't even perceive that maybe she's about to enter the room. 

I use porn videos and I'm not ashamed to say it, because I think all the guys do the same, it's not something that excites me too much, I'd rather have a boyfriend a thousand times and not just for sex but to be myself, and instead I have to  limit myself to videos. I tried those famous applications that everyone knows by now and that many use but, apart from the fact that to meet a real guy you should have an extremely large autonomy than the one I have, I must say that I almost immediately stopped using those applications, first of all because anyway they put at risk my privacy to which I don't want to give up for any reason, and then because from the few experiences of contacts with people found through the app I was really baffled. There are people who after you talk to them once, tell you that they fell in love with you, there are people who the first time you talk to them want to know if you do this or that, there are married people (and they are so many) who doesn't even tell you that they are married, but you get there through small spy elements that come out of the conversation anyway, and I must add another thing very spread, many people lie about their age, they say they are 25 year old while they are 55. 

What amazes me is that in practice it is not possible to make a speech "normal" that is not all centered only on sex, many think that two gay guys can only talk about sex, I understand that they are on the app for this but it still seems to me a discourse too simplistic. Until today I have never had sexual experiences and until I find a serious guy with whom to build a true relationship, well, I prefer videos, which at least are not at risk neither for privacy nor for diseases. I would like to have a true gay guy to love, even sexually, obviously, but to love, I would like a guy in order to build a life project together, but at the moment there is nothing like it in sight. I really like Gay Project because in the guys' e-mails there are ideas that are not very far from mine and also in the e-mails of older men, that is, they look like adult men able to use brain, what is not so common. 

I never really fell in love with a guy, only attraction sometimes, but it's a different thing, all individual, but to fall in love with a guy you really need to know him. I have very few friends, in practice if we talk about real friends I can say only one, but he's straight and I have no doubts about this, I took a half crush for him, but then it passed. I thought about telling him about me, but then what for? I mean, in the end I didn't tell him anything also because in a few months we won't see each other anymore, at least if I can go to another city for university. With the girls I'm rather grumpy, because I have to keep them at a distance. I could very well go out with a girl but for me she would be just a friend and I don't really want to take the risk that she might see a possible boyfriend in me, because my own affairs I want them to remain only mine. 

It is said: better alone than badly accompanied, and this applies to both boys and girls. In practice this is all. My priority now is to choose the faculty and leave home as soon as possible. Then I will study to the utmost to build a life that is totally mine, as always, as soon as possible. I don't hate my parents but I want to build my life on my own without being accountable to anyone, not even to them.

Project, if you want, put this e-mail in the forum. I would like you to answer me in private, but I want to go on step by step, without running too much. Thanks for what you do.

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