05-04-2018, 10:30 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-04-2018, 10:31 PM by gayprojectforum.)
Hello project, ... [omissis] .... I don’t know why I’m writing to you, things such as those I have to tell you I have never told anyone, and for me it’s a great burden that I discharge while telling you about them. It's been about a year since I realized I was bisexual, but it's not like I'm attracted both towards men and women at the same time, I can say I go "off and on", and this is a problem for me and for how I'm done, I don’t want to offend anyone, but I feel I must be honest, the fact is that I "cannot always feel gay", sometimes I would, I swear, but I cannot, all the stereotypes of gays don’t fit me at all, and moreover when I step to my "hetero period" I cannot feel sexual desires for men and this disorients me even more, but when I enter the "gay period" I become (excuse the term) an animal, I think only of sex and I feel very strong attraction towards guys , I start to masturbate thinking of those I see in the gym and the desire grows more and more until the masturbation no longer satisfies me, I would go out and go to gay clubs and meet other guys and have sexual intercourses with them, very often I also thought of going to a sauna. . . [omissis]. . . I think the sauna is a place where you can easily find sex and I just want that and nothing else, but I know it's a place for experts, it's dangerous and filthy too, so I think I'm some kind of monster, I hear people saying that saunas are squalid places fit for those who seek sex just for an evening, sometimes I think they are horrible places, then I think about it and say: but this is exactly what I want! I want a male body on which to vent myself, is all this wrong ?! it's normal!? Then the only way to let my desire pass is to masturbate a lot (even 6 times a day) and after a while the desire not only dozes but disappears at all and I just start thinking about women while I masturbate automatically, it's not that I try to move my thoughts on women, I try to keep it on men but I cannot and automatically I "slip" to think about women and all the rest, I think this is a nightmare, a hell, I don’t know what to do, I thought that maybe I will be condemned to live like this: half gay and half straight and this will lead me to live a double life that I cannot bear because I am a very sincere guy by nature, with myself and with others, I don’t know how to do because sometimes I would like to have sex with a guy but I'm afraid, first I'm afraid of myself and then of my changing of "tastes" (by now I got used to it), I'm afraid of diseases if I go to a sauna or if I look for meetings on the internet and I'm afraid to be discovered because if it were so I would have to give up my life as a straight man and I often think it's the thing to do but I cannot! Often I tried to delete or ignore my straight or gay part and the result was bad in both cases: in one case I was going to go with a girl (a prostitute) (you can understand that even my hetero life is torn by this situation) and in another case I met a man on the internet and I went to his house and he tried to make me accept an oral intercourse but I opposed and left with violence, I don’t know what to do, give me some advice on how to manage this situation, please get in touch, I would like to know what to do, how to move, I take it badly, really ... If you want, publish this email I don’t care, but I doubt it will be useful to someone.
The following is Project’s answer.
Hello, first of all thanks for this testimony that helps to shed light on the planet bisexuality, a planet that is still largely unexplored. You talk about a periodic bisexuality of which you became aware a year ago and you speak clearly of an alternation of phases that, however, in your case, must be rather short, we can say lasting a few months at most, if in the a year's time you could clearly notice the alternation. There is another thing that strikes me in your email and it is the fact that, while claiming that any attempt to put aside the gay or heterosexual dimension has brought bad results, which is more than understandable for a bisexual, you say that, in the end, giving up your straight life would be the thing to do. You insist a lot on gay masturbation and on the violent sexualization of the gay phase, which would suggest that the hetero phase is instead of a predominantly affective kind, what however seems to be disproved by the hypothesis of going with a prostitute. The idea of going with a prostitute, however, could be more than the search for a straight sexual outburst, the attempt to sexualize even the hetero phase that, from the general tone of the email, seems to be sexually far less involving than the gay one. It seems that your interest in guys is exclusively sexual, which is not typical of periodic homosexuality (whose periods moreover last usually for years). In general, a bisexual with periodic bisexuality, when he is in the gay phase, is gay both from a sexual and emotional point of view and, similarly, when he is in hetero phase he is hetero from all points of view. Even if I cannot deduce it with certainty from your email, I think you don’t feel an emotional attraction towards guys, maybe you experience it towards girls, but it is not clear. In any case, you tend to seek, at least in the gay phase, an exclusively sexual satisfaction and you say it clearly. In your email you don’t mention your age, which would be a very useful element to get a better idea of the situation. The possibility that you are really bisexual with periodic bisexuality is real but it is not so automatic because your periods are very short and because at least in the gay phase there seems to be no affective dimension. It would be essential to know how you live even the hetero phase, which you don’t substantially talk about, seen as the center of the individual life, and also understand what your sexuality was before having a clear perception of a form of bisexuality, if only your perception of your sexuality has changed or also the way you live it, both at the level of couple and masturbation. There are many open questions and, lacking essential elements, it is difficult to give an answer fitting to your situation. If you were really bisexual you should aim for at least the recovery of gay affectivity, so as to live the gay phase in a dimension that is not just of sexual frenzy. I emphasize that it is not rare the case of guys who identify themselves as bisexuals but in fact don’t have authentic sexual hetero drives and live their so-called hetero part in an almost exclusively emotional or haltingly sexual dimension, while sexual attraction is almost totally oriented towards guys and is not accompanied by affection. At the base of these behaviors, which are not a sign of bisexuality, there is a mechanism of partial rejection of homosexuality based on the following reasoning: "I sexually desire guys but I don’t love them, so I'm not gay but straight because I love girls, even if maybe I don’t like them like guys". Those who experience a very strong gay sexual drive and reject the idea of being gay tend to consider themselves bisexuals because they love women, that is, because their affectivity is almost exclusively aimed at women. At the moment I cannot give you a convinced answer because I lack essential elements, however, I suggest you to try to create real emotional relationships with gay guys, even when you are in hetero phase, that is completely without sexual involvement. However, this could benefit you, making you live the gay phase in a balanced way if you are really bisexual, or recover a gay affectivity in case you cannot accept you as a gay and end up accepting your being gay only as a sexual drive neglecting the emotional dimension. In case you were really bisexual with periodic bisexuality you would certainly live a situation of consistent emotional and sexual instability linked to the changing of phase and the insecurity that derives from it but after the transition period you should find a stable balance for a long time. A true bisexual has undoubtedly more problems than a gay in building a long-term stable relationship. For a bisexual, however, there is generally another way to experience affectivity and sexuality, which is not to be underestimated, and it is sexualized or better episodically sexualized friendship. To realize a sexualized friendship, one must first of all live a profound friendship that induces the non-bisexual partner (a gay or a woman depending on the circumstances) to accept the idea of a sexual relationship with a friend, but without the characters of monogamy and stability. These things, although not easy to achieve, become real in a non-negligible percentage of cases. It is obvious, however, that in order to reach these levels of friendship, the emotional relationship must be particularly strong and stable. For the moment I conclude here. If you want to give me some additional element I will try to complete the picture. Thanks again for your email that I think can be useful for many guys.
Project