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NOT JUST GAY SEX
#1
Hi Project, the Forum is unfortunately abandoned and it’s a pity. For me it was a very important experience, but several years have already passed. It would be nice if there was a recovery, but I see it very difficult. It is up to you to decide whether or not to publish this email, which is the result of my latest experiences. I've learned the hard way that trusting so-called good guys is sometimes risky, and then, good guys in what sense? Guys who speak cleanly, that is, speak little about sex and save appearances because they have learned the art of hypocrisy from their families? In short, I have learned not to trust good guys and this tendency to put easy trust aside has gradually widened and I have begun to avoid trusting anyone, as you can well understand, least of all, the guys who don't even have the appearance of the good guys and the result was that I practically created a total void around me. I have not been disappointed but I think I was a disillusionment for the guys I met, or at least for some of them. I think I have destroyed the more or less unrealistic dreams of some guys more naive than me, but perhaps in time they would have destroyed me. With one of them, however, things went differently. He is a handsome guy, but relatively, he is no longer very young and on the other hand neither am I, because I’m 32 years old, we had known each other for several years. When he was 18 he was beautiful and I confess he fascinated me, but then he slowly lost the charm of early youth, he is still a handsome guy and he is not indifferent to me even now but it is not the physical attraction, or perhaps it is not above all the physical attraction that has led me not to lose sight of him. I'll call him Sergio here. Sergio has two peculiar characteristics that are absolutely unique, he is intelligent in a way that amazes me, I would say in a non-standard way or better in a way all his own, he has an autonomous mind, he does not depend on the judgment of others and he is radically honest, he doesn’t look at the formality and he tells you even brutally what he thinks. He went through very bad periods of depression shortly after turning twenty and then slowly came out of it and was able to conquer his spaces exclusively by studying and working very seriously. Several years ago we tried to get together, the idea, at that times, attracted me a lot. We have been in a very complicated relationship for a few years, but it was a relationship that was only half satisfying to me. I could have all the sex I wanted but I had the clear feeling that affectivity made absolutely no sense to him. He had told me his whole life, even the most problematic aspects, he trusted me, he had taken me seriously from the beginning and there was still a bond between us that went beyond sex, I call it the bond of clarity, the bond of reciprocally accepting each other for who you are. I am not at all what people consider a beautiful guy, I am barely average and if he had wanted to find a guy better than me he would have found a hundred thousand such guys. He had other guys but he never put me aside and he never cheated me, he told me he was fine with me only for sex, probably not to delude me, even if things weren't exactly like that. We have always understood each other and, this may seem incredible, we have never argued. Our relationship was extremely elastic but did not break off, we never had an overwhelming relationship, like those that radically modify your life, we talked little, no rhetoric of feelings neither of sex, so much melancholy, and even deep despair, but between us there was no risk of misunderstanding because we always spoke very clearly even if we spoke little. Sometimes we saw each other at intervals of two months or more and practically every time we met we ended up in bed together. Believe me, Project, it was never something stupid, it was also a way of communicating. I've seen him cry many times when the guys he believed in ended up leaving him without explanation. I often told him no, but he never felt demolished because of this, because he knew I loved him. I have always wondered why Sergio had chosen me, why he had trusted me. I think the reason was because I always considered him a very good person. I respect him deeply as a man and, furthermore, I think that if a guy chooses to experience sex with another guy, but not as a ritual or as anything devoid of any value but exactly as a way of truly being himself, it means that he instinctively finds in the partner something compatible and trusts him.  Sex was a means to get to know each other better, to test each other, to get to understand each other in a deeper way. We have two very different ways of experiencing sex, he is much hotter and more passionate than me, while I, even though I'm practically his age, I have longer times and sometimes I also have sexual problems. With me he is afraid of exaggerating while I’m afraid  of disappointing him but in the end it is not the performance that counts but sharing one's sexuality with a person you trust, knowing that you can be yourself to the end. This is the right expression: we trust each other. Honestly I never felt judged by him but I felt a lot of times respected and understood. Over the years, mutual trust has increased, I have learned to be less restrained in sex and he has also begun to give an emotional meaning to sexuality, somehow we have come to meet halfway. It doesn't make sense to say he's my boyfriend, he doesn't belong to anyone, but we love each other, now I have no more doubts about this, we both need reassurances and we find them in each other. Sometimes I told him no and sometimes he told no to me, but our saying no wasn't at all something like a refusal of the person of the other. We both knew that such things wouldn't destroy anything and that our relationship wouldn't break anyway. He is generous, never selfish, he does not dramatize situations but tries to lighten them, tries not to worry me and not to burden negatively on me. Not only he never blames others, but he also tends to feel responsible for things that are not up to him. He knows that for him I will always be there and that I will continue to be there anyway and I know that I will not lose him. Today, if I think about the  models of gay couple I had in mind years ago, I understand how absurd they were. I love Sergio and I know he loves me. If he also needs to be with someone else why do I have to say no to him? I know I won't lose him anyway. I would feel jealous if someone took him away from me, but many years have passed and we are still here, and this is a sign that it was a serious relationship. As for the problem of sexually transmitted diseases, he is informed and knows what he is doing and that is the reason why he has sometimes said no to me, because even if he is prudent, if he has even a little doubt, before coming to me he wants to take the test. This, in my opinion, is seriousness in the profound sense of the term. Sometimes we play like kids, but when we talk about serious things I trust him more than myself and I have the pleasure of having an intelligent man close to me who loves me and this is a great feeling that I have only experienced with him. About other guys I can say that sometimes I feared them, but I never was afraid of him, I knew that I could never expect anything bad from him, neither for malice nor stupidity. The more the years go by, the closer our paths get. He needs his freedom, and it is right that he has it. When we meet, it's nice to have confirmation that nothing has changed and that the pleasure of meeting is mutual. There is a phrase he now likes to hear: "I'm fine with you!" In other times this sentence would have alarmed him, as if it were an attempt to put limits, to restrain, to limit his freedom, to tell him: "I love you ... but you must be as I say ...". Now he knows that I’m not under the illusion of creating a "classical couple" with him and he is no longer afraid of those words and therefore takes them in the simplest and most direct sense. At first he would have accepted anything sexually but he would not have accepted a caress for the same reason that used to make it hard to him to hear the expression “I'm fine with you!", but now this is no longer the case, there is sex, of course, but there are also some moments of tenderness, if I caress his face or beard he is happy, he understands that it is "only" a gesture of tenderness and that there are no other motivations of any kind, that I’m not falling in love with him in the sense that I could expect something from him in return. I see a change in our relationship, which is probably due to the fact that we are no longer two kids and that we begin to value according to its real value our being there for each other. I consider him an essential point of reference in many things, precisely because he has points of view that are also very far from mine, but he is balanced and of extreme common sense. If he tells me something, it means that it is the result of his experience, not a simple hearsay. He does not talk nonsense, if he has to tell me something that he believes to be far from my way of thinking, he premises that that is only his way of seeing at that moment. I really like it when he teases me and makes my caricature, because afterwards he bursts into an amused smile and acts like a kid. He doesn't pose, doesn't act, and he would have the opportunity and the possibility to behave this way, but he doesn’t. When he is calm he gives me serenity, I know I can trust him. If I hadn't known Gay Project Forum I would never have understood the meaning of the relationship with Sergio, I would have remained addicted to the classic concept of couple "marriage style" and in the name of that concept I would have refused a relationship like the one I have with Sergio, which instead from many years is somehow the center of my life. I know that he is there and that he loves me and I know that I will not lose him. Lately I've been tempted to push our relationship towards a more classic couple model but, if I think about it, such an idea seems to me really unhealthy, he needs freedom like air, he has to go his own way, whatever it is. Our relationship will not fail anyway. In the early days there was one thing I could not stand about him and that is the tendency to not plan anything and to always and only act extemporaneously, he told me that he didn’t want to create rules or habits. I have always been very inclined to plan and organize my days and I felt upset by never being able to design anything that involved him. When he was about to leave, while greeting me he never told me when we would meet again and then he called me or came to see me in the most incredible moments of the day and night. Before, I didn't understand these attitudes. He said to me: "I come to you when I feel the need and these are things that cannot be planned!" Now this way of thinking has become familiar to me and I’m beginning to like it. I asked myself what it means to love each other and I would like to understand it without being dazzled by myths and fables of various kinds. I think I have wasted too much time running after butterflies and devaluing what existed and I had in front of my eyes practically every day. The stories of the cover guy in love with you and you with him, let's tell it: is just nonsense, if you are looking for something like this, you can search for it your whole life and you will not find a single guy that really suits you. The couple as a perfect symbiosis or as the idea of the perfect fusion of spirits is the typical cheap romance. I have never found charming princes. Sergio is not my charming prince and he is not even my boyfriend, in the classic sense of the term, he has his faults but also his merits, I must not forget neither faults nor merits and then what could I propose to him? Eternal love? But that would be ridiculous. We love each other but we remain two different people, who have points in common but do not live the same life anyway, we are two and we will remain two. What should I expect from him: absolute fidelity? And in the name of what? Why should I limit his freedom when I don't know if I would be able to guarantee him the same fidelity? I can only ask him one thing and that is to be honest with me and tell me what he really thinks, because I would not stand to be deceived, or maybe I would stand that too, I don't know, maybe in some circumstances I would not stand it but in others I would. Should I expect his constant presence? But even here I ask myself: in the name of what? I can ask him, if anything, not to pretend, not even to avoid making me feel bad. Why should we be a couple? We do not know what we are but we are fine even so, or at least, when we see each other, which happens quite rarely, we are happy to meet ... should I think that this is little? But it is not little at all, if it is true! Loving each other doesn’t mean always staying close, but having the pleasure to see each other again when you see each other again. Sergio is not my living myth, we love each other but in a very simple, very spontaneous way, without commitments and without conditions. We will not have children to raise, we love each other instinctively, because it is something that comes by itself. I often think about him, I know that our relationship will last, but I can't make any other predictions. It makes no sense to try to foresee the future or to condition it. A transient affection is no less important than a relationship that is sustained by duty or by necessity. The transience doesn’t detract anything from the seriousness of the feelings, if those feelings are true. Sergio and I know each other well and we trust each other, sometimes I miss his presence but I don't have to pester him, he has to follow his times and rhythms, maybe time will pass but then we will hug again and I'm sure it will be a real hug felt the same way by both of us.
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