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MY FATHER GAY
#1
Hello Project,

I write for a very special reason that from several days now there’s a thing that causes me profound disturbance. I am a 19 years old guy and no doubt I’m straight, the problem is not about me but about my father. I state that I respect my father very much, he is a father really as it should. He and my mother got married because I was about to be born. When I was born my father was 22 years old and now he’s 41. I no longer have my mother since I was 11 years old and basically live alone with my father that takes care of everything. I have a real dialogue with him, when I had problems (including sexual ones) I resorted to him and he has always helped me. My girlfriend loves him because he has always made sure that she would feel comfortable in our home like in her own.

I go to the fact: from about six months my father has a little changed habits, before he never used to go out, now in practice he goes out every evening. “Out” means he’s out two or three hours. The first few times I did not mind, then I began to wonder: where is he going? But there were other strange things, sometimes his cell phone rang and he entered his room to answer and spoke softly and he never does so when speaking with people I know or even with relatives.

I had the curiosity to spy on him, but I never did because I would be ashamed to do such a thing. I began to think about what could induce my father to that behavior, the first thing was that he could see a woman, but I have never seen my father do compliment a woman and I do not even remember the relationship he had with my mother. For mom and for the mom’s things he has always had the greatest respect, as for me, but an intelligent respect, without fetishes of any kind. After all, if he intended to marry again no one could prevent him and for me it would not be shocking, that would be pleasing to him, and for this I would accept it and he knows it. So I discarded the idea of a woman.

There was a fact that has alarmed me. About a month ago my father introduced me to a colleague of his aged 35. In practice, it was completely random, Dad and I were walking around and we met this guy. Dad stopped and introduced me to his colleague, however, I had the distinct impression that my father was embarrassed and he stayed to talk with his colleague a few seconds too long, and in a way a bit embarrassed. That’s where I took the flash. Of course I didn’t even mention it, but even after I felt the embarrassment of Dad. In the days after he has calmed down but I kept thinking about that thing and the more I was thinking the more the idea that Dad and his colleague were not just colleagues was becoming clear. I do not know what they can be for each other, but are not just colleagues. I want to clarify that I do not feel upset to think that my father might be gay or to think that he and his colleague can be a couple (it could also be), what I do not like is that my father is forced to pretend with me because maybe he is afraid to tell me the truth.

I read in the forum many stories about the coming out of the guys to their parents, but never the other way and I think that if it’s embarrassing for a guy it might be even more so for a father who has to confess to his son that he’s gay. I have not sought evidence that my father is gay, I’m not going to search into his computer because he has never done so with mine, but I do not know what to do, that is, whether to tell him that I understood or to go on waiting for him to take the decision. I do everything for my father to feel at ease with me but I think on this specific point he will never feel comfortable.

I have read on the forum about gay married, so the situation that my father probably lives is not something so exceptional. I talk about it as if I had the certainty that things are indeed so, in fact I’m not sure, but the intuition takes me there. Project, from what I understand you are much older than my father, and perhaps such things have already happened to you and you could tell me what to do, because I love my father and the fact that it can be gay does not constitute any problem for me, I just want him to be happy and to feel free with me because I am proud that he is my father! I wait your response. If you want, you can post this message.

I am attaching my contact [omissis]

G.R.
___________


Tommy: 
I was very fond of reading this letter. The boy proves to be very intelligent and to want a lot of good to his dad, I think he should talk to his father; he should calmly confront the subject with him so as to put an end to his father's embarrassment.

Bakuman: 
I think you should leave your father the time to face the thing alone and with serenity. It's not just a problem of how you can accept it, you must also think that maybe he’s discovering only now a sexuality that he has repressed for years and that maybe the "partner" is ready for a stable relationship while your father is not yet ready, or instead he is ready but doesn’t want to ruin the balance that has been established with you for many years. Declaring one's own homosexuality in certain situations is really complicated and this to be honest is the most complicated situation I've heard so far! Leave him time and pretend nothing, if then a lot of time passes, then you can also do some small allusion to a possible relationship of his, so stay on the vague, or better go immediately to tell him!  I'm curious to know how this story ends! Of course I'm joking! Really my best wishes to both of you and congratulations for the maturity and intelligence you demonstrate, it would be nice if people were all like you!

Jek70:
It is not easy to declare one's own homosexuality in a heterosexist society. It's a wonderful thing that for you it's not a problem accepting a gay person, but for many unfortunately it is not so and for a homosexual person, who perhaps realizes his nature almost in old age, this can really be a leap in the dark, like feeling the collapse of the world on. Homophobia can also paradoxically be nested in the same homosexual individual because he is conditioned since childhood to think with "hetero" mental schemes. If you ask directly to your father it could also deny everything. Instead, slowly try to make him understand that for you gay people are very normal people of which you have the highest esteem and respect exactly the same you have of straight people. If you like, you can invent that you also have a gay friend with whom you get along very well and that you do not see anything strange if two men decide to live together for an emotional bond. It could certainly help him to feel that the person he most certainly cares about is so mentally open. Create a peaceful environment where being gay is normal. I wish that everything will be resolved soon in the best way, for you and your dad. 

Ferro: 
Your father is lucky to have a son like you, he when you were born, he was perhaps still too young to fully understand his sexuality. Right now he’s living a beautiful and tremendous situation at the same time, you by the way let him talk, maybe making it indirectly, let him understand that you care about his happiness. You will see that he will open with you when he will be ready, you meanwhile try to prepare because in general it is not easy to accept the "female partner" of your father and accepting his “male partner” can be much more complicated. The fact that you have come on the internet and you did some research on the subject denotes in you a great intelligence and sensitivity. Don’t change! Because in the end, your father's situation is normal and beautiful.

Marcolino: 
this is really a family, you must be proud of yourself, simply you and your father should be proud of your relationship. Don’t be afraid to talk to him, stay on his side, in the end it doesn’t matter that he has to tell you something, know that in the affection the differences cancel no matter if you have to get a clarification. Or gay or straight he is your father and as you say we must always respect ourselves, and I imagine that your father loves you more than anything in the world, my friend. Talk to him and I'm sure everything will end with a smile and a hug between father and son. Your father must be proud of you and I'm sure it's so because you're a sensitive, sweet and intelligent boy, you've demonstrated and still demonstrate every day that intelligence has no sex. Good guy! I wish I had a brother like you, my friend, be happy! 
Marcolino

Max
To make such an emotional and sexual change in one's life is already difficult in itself, and if one then navigates the perilous sea of the 40s, the enterprise is even more difficult. I agree with Jek70 on the need to give your father, progressively and in general terms, continuous manifestations of that mental openness and sensitivity that transpires from your email. The time and affection between you two could do the rest, if you have prepared the ground properly. Your father is really lucky to have such a sympathetic and caring son beside him. Good luck.

Max Heath: 
First of all I have to congratulate you, you really show that you understand your father. In my opinion you don’t have to talk about it openly right away, because your father could close himself more, but you should talk about the matter slowly, maybe before of homosexuality in general. Afterwards, if things go well, it will be him to open up with you, when and how he wants it. Act but wait, said someone. 
Heath.

Mikhol: 
Hi "G.R.", I'm Michael, father of two children aged 13 and 15 and I'm gay. Precisely in this period I’m experiencing the opposite problem: it is I who am thinking about how to face my "coming out" towards my boys. From what you write it is clear that you have an excellent relationship with your father. And I would say that he really educated you with respect and understanding. Believe me, you don’t have to worry about trying to talk to him. Certainly you are no longer a child and you are able to find the best way to "hook" the topic. In my opinion, if he understands that you don’t judge him and that this choice doesn’t affect your relationship, you will see a person who is reborn, as if you had taken away a boulder from his heart. Repressing oneself and one's natural inclinations is always a mental and sentimental sterilization that never brings good fruit, it is like to deprive ourselves of that experience that unites all human beings: to love another human creature. The point is that every person should be free to give themselves to another person in the search for the mutual love that we all desire. And if your father has glimpsed this opportunity he’s likely to be living with a great dilemma: persevere in his role of father without telling you anything, trying to live in secret, or face the speech with the fear of losing his son, something that could never be forgiven. I can tell you that it's frustrating to live like this. It is tiring and exhausting. Don’t be afraid, break the ice, maybe on the occasion of something that brings to light the topic and express your common sense: your dad has raised you with love and spirit of sacrifice. Now you can do something for him: meet him. We cheer for you. Hello!

Nebium: 
I think it is always difficult to give advice, because reading your email I didn’t understand if your father had married just because your mother was pregnant or because anyway she wanted a child. It is a legitimate desire, which also homosexuals have and that cannot be achieved except in the classic way, at least here in our country. It could also be that your father is simply bisexual, and then both the marriage and your intuitions would be explained. But beyond everything he seems a smart person, since he has grown you very well and loves you. He's also lucky (or maybe he was just good at his role) because you look very smart too. I understand you and your discomfort, but to dispel any doubt the only way is to clear up. Of course I'm not suggesting you do it in a traumatic way, indeed, if you have the impression that he doesn’t want to address the subject you have to respect his will, but clarify could make him understand that you love him and that his sexual orientation is something secondary in the relationship between you two. Rather, I would suggest addressing the subject facing it gradually and at the beginning only from a distance, perhaps with the complicity of your girlfriend (who in turn loves him, but by the way: did you tell her something about? What are her opinions on this?), starting from a similar story of hypothetical colleagues or friends of friends, or commenting on a book, a movie, to continue the conversation at another time, with the serenity and calm that your intimacy allows you. In my opinion it can only do good for both of you, I think it is disheartening at 40 to have to "hide" like a teenager from your son, and surely your approval (in the sense of reconfirmation of your affection) would allow him to feel more serene. I wish you two never lose the depth of the bond that unites you.
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