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MISADVENTURES OF A YOUNG GAY GUY
#1
Hi Project, 
it's a shame that your forum is basically abandoned, I've read it far and wide and it's really immense, a kind of encyclopedia of homosexuality that helps people understand so many things. I'm writing to you because I think that your forum could be the right place.
 
I am 26, I have always felt gay, for me it was the most natural thing one could imagine, up to 21 years old I lived of masturbation and fantasies, then I downloaded some gay applications on my smartphone and from there it started another adventure. When I spotted a guy I liked, or he wasn't interested in me, because I wasn't exactly a cinema star, or he had some strange fixed ideas and I had to put apart my imagination out of necessity.
 
In four years I have found only two guys with whom I built a minimum of discourse and also a minimum of sex (of that just at zero risk) that is mutual masturbation and nothing else. The thing excited me, more with the first guy than with the second one, but it wasn’t enough for them, they wanted to go beyond and without a condom because they said they were "clean" and this expression was enough to put me in crisis, in practice I was scared of being hiv-positive, even though I never really had had risky behaviors.
 
I closed the app, I took the test twice and it and in both cases it resulted negative. Anyway, my two relationships lacked emotional content, those guys didn't care about me but they were only interested in what they could do with me, and to tell the truth it was the same for me.
 
I've been back to my previous life for more than a year now: masturbation and fantasy and also a lot of porn, but I miss the real contact with a guy, something that can’t be reduced just to having sex together, I miss a guy who takes care of me and that allows me to do the same with him, I miss the affectionate phone calls, I miss the cuddles of lovers. But is it possible that I am the only one who appreciates these things? The two guys of the app seemed to be interested in such a relationship, but for them it was just a means of approach, because they aimed at something else.
 
In fact there were two elements that put me in crisis with both of them, one is the fact that they were fixed with the B side, and the other, very unpleasant for me, that I felt almost treated like I was a woman. I have absolutely nothing against women, God forbid! But I didn't feel the relationship with those guys as a peer relationship: their attention for my ... was practically zero! I have always been gay, but for me the ... of the guys has always been absolutely fundamental while the idea of the B side I never passed through my mind, for them it was exactly the opposite. Frankly, there was something that sounded strange to me. Or it's me the one who is weird as gay or they're not really gay.
 
In short, for me that little bit of sex I had with those two guys was not really engaging, I played my part, more out of curiosity than anything else and the idea of going further just didn't touch me and therefore it all ended so.
 
At university I had a crush on a colleague who never talked about girls and who was cute with me and I liked him a lot too. We exchanged gifts, we went several times to get a pizza together and he never talked about girls (not even about boys), then at a certain point he started to slip away, maybe he realized he ended up in a gay relationship that he didn't really like, I think that's the way it is, but I wonder what he was afraid of, the fact is that he disappeared, I looked for him a few times, he didn't answer anymore and so it's all over.
 
I have always dreamed of a couple's life in the true sense of the word, that is with a true cohabitation, but at the moment it seems to me an idea that is too theoretical. I could find the guy of my dreams even tomorrow, in theory it is possible, but I fear it will never happen. I have two gay friends that sometimes chat with me, they are a very close-knit and absolutely invisible couple, great guys, I don't physically like them and so I haven’t any kind of fantasies about them, we talk a bit, but they are very discreet and in practice, for me, they are more virtual friends than anything else, in the sense that we talk on social media and that's all.  
 
I would like a gay guy like me, but such guys do they exist? I'm beginning to think that if so many gays don't choose civil unions it's because they think it's just a formality. Why should they pretend to build something stable when they know with reasonable certainty that nothing will be stable? The future of gays are the apps? A forum like yours is another thing but no one likes too much writing or reading. I really fear that if it is true that the internet has given us many possibilities, it is also true that it has created models that risk trivializing gay relationships and reducing them to sexual exchanges just to do something and this is really sad. I vented a little. What do you think about Project?
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