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LET YOUR GAY BUDDY GO
#1
Following recent contacts through the Gay Project, I think it is useful to study a specific issue and that is the opportunity-need to let go of one's partner when the life of a gay couple becomes problematic and loses the initial enthusiasm.
 
Gay couples, like all couples, are often born with illusory enthusiasms which then, little by little, are resized in comparison with reality. The mythical atmosphere of falling in love, often not really symmetrical, slowly fades away and habit becomes one of the most important glues of the couple's life, if not the only one. In this situation it often happens that one of the two partners starts to perceive that there is something wrong, while the other continues to lull himself into his own illusions. Thus a state of tension arises within the couple because one of the two either already feels outside the couple or feels tied to his partner substantially out of habit or, perhaps, experiences the couple bond as a very tenuous bond.
 
The first signs of these forms of asymmetry and internal tension in the couple are manifested in the reducing of the encounters, if the two partners do not live together, or in the progressive formalization of the relationship, if there is coexistence. These new situations, which seem obvious to the most unmotivated partner, are experienced by the other partner as the prelude to a possible abandonment, which creates anxiety and raises a thousand questions to which, however, the most motivated partner tends to give all possible answers, even blaming himself, but avoiding in any case to take into consideration the idea that the discomfort derives precisely from a wearing down of the couple's life. In this way, while the requests for more contact are made more frequent by the more motivated partner, the needs for autonomy are perceived more and more strongly by his partner. One of the two tends to break away, while the other tends to strengthen the couple's bond. Obviously the dialogue collapses to a minimum and the feeling of discomfort increases on both sides.
 
The vocabulary of love and falling in love is often used to cover situations of possessiveness or even, more trivially, of convenience, in this way the real motivations that lead to life as a couple are concealed under the cover of a love discourse that appears more ennobling. In these situations, the possessive partner (I am not deliberately speaking here of a "more motivated" partner) tries to claim and exercise his possession of the other by oscillating between attitudes of pretension and threat and attitudes of victimization and supplication, things that, in similar situations are both decidedly inopportune. At the base of these attitudes of the possessive partner there is the idea, and I would say above all the assumption and the illusion, of being able to manage the relationship, because the other is seen as an actor who can only be “docile” in the hands of the director. This is obviously is very far from the reality. The life of a couple is by its nature a relationship with two protagonists who must find a dynamic balance between them, the exact opposite of habit; when, for whatever reason, this equilibrium is broken, it must be acknowledged and attempting to strengthen the relationship is in any case counterproductive.
 
The idea of letting go of your partner may seem like nothing more than accepting the failure of the relationship. Obviously, if behind the expression "letting the partner go" hides a powerful charge of rancor, a desire for domination, if not revenge, the idea of letting go of your partner takes on a sanctioning and substantially negative color, but this is not the meaning of "letting go of your partner" I intend to refer to. Letting go of your partner means giving him back his freedom, removing possessive and contractual attitudes, with a gesture of respect and affection, certainly not to deprive him of our affection, but to make him understand that our affection is unconditional. A free man also has a free mind and is more capable of looking within himself. Real, important relationships, intended to last, they are not strengthened by promises or by the presumption that they must create bonds but by the fact that you choose freely and stay together and that you feel free even in the couple relationship, which should be a relationship of love, not a contractual obligation. A free, unconditioned relationship is accepted with another spirit, it is based on a sense of tenderness, mutual affection, respect, attention to the needs of the other, presupposes listening, an ability and a willingness to understand the other in the complexity of his personality and in his contradictions, it presupposes a profound affective dimension capable of overcoming selfish impulses.
 
If a relationship is genuinely emotional, it can face moments of uncertainty, and those moments are overcome because the couple's life is not seen as an area in which one must prevail but rather as the place par excellence where one can have the pleasure of giving in.
 
Letting go of your partner is the exact opposite of a showdown, it is not a moment of vindication but of recognition of the freedom of the other and, in some cases, even of his right to make mistakes. Relationships between couples worsen when possessiveness dominates the scene, when the discourse is no longer a love discourse but a comparison of abstract positions, of assumptions of principle, I would almost say of philosophies of life. It is in these moments that you have to let your partner go, not to push him away but to set him free. The resentment that unfortunately conditions many failures of emotional life is measured through selective memory. A rancorous individual remembers only negative speeches and attitudes, attacks of his partner to highlight his contradictions, reproaches him, judges him.
 
When you let go of your partner, never slam the door but always leave it open, it must not be a closure and least of all a definitive closure but the recognition of the freedom of the other, the possibility of going back must be always unconditional. It often happens in moments of crisis to feel almost exploited and manipulated. When this happens it is good to ask ourselves if we have really done everything for the good of the other or if, in some way, we have been the first to try to exploit and manipulate our partner trying to make him more like us. The similarities between two people can be profound but they are never such as to cancel the differences. The other, even if very similar, is always another person and any attempt to change him is basically a rejection of his way of being.
 
Couple relationships have an evolution, it is also possible to realize that what appeared as a couple relationship was actually something completely different. Unfortunately it is not easy to recognize situations of this type, but it is precisely in these cases that restoring freedom to our partner becomes particularly urgent. There may have been mistakes on both sides and  going  each one his own way can be fundamental and liberating for both, but the respect for the other and his particularities must be absolute, especially when partners separate. If a relationship ends, it does not mean that it cannot start again later even in another form. In emotional relationships, definitive closures are rare even in truly critical situations.
 
In a relationship, if something doesn't work out, the fault is never on one side alone. This common sense principle helps to prevent judge-like attitudes and to keep the door open to the future, whatever it may be.
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