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I STILL CONTINUE TO DREAM OF BOTH GAY LOVE AND GAY SEX
#1
Hello Project, you talk about affectivity and sexuality, ok, I understand what you mean, but they are two things that always go together. I too fell in love with some guys, perhaps the affective aspect was slightly prevalent, but I say perhaps, because I just could not say so, there was sex, all right, restrained, braked, sublimated, everything you want, but it was certainly and strongly present. Then, there were also erotic dreams that today no more happen, but then there was and there is even now masturbation, ok, you could do it with porn but when you were in love, fantasy was enough, if then on that guy you also had a minimum of sexual memories, and I had, it was enough to recall them and there was no need for anything else. 

If I have to be honest, I have never lived totally sublimated relationships, that is without sexual fantasies of any kind, indeed my important stories were always accompanied by very intense sexual fantasies. Think that I had also had a girlfriend and had also had sex with her, but then, when I found myself with the first guy of my life, it was so different, so intense, so spontaneous, so without psychological complexes, so totally different from my relationship with my girlfriend, that I told myself I would never be with a girl again and so it was, because if one is gay, yes, he can even have sex with a girl sometimes, but it's not what he is looking for. A guy who interests you upsets you, creates both an emotional and a sexual transport mingled down that has no possible comparison with a straight experience. 

I want to live with a man, I always tried to stay close to the guys, to create strong ties of friendship and even of sex with them, the fact is that I almost never succeeded, a couple of times yes, but then, after a few years, even those relationships are unfortunately over. I still see those guys, obviously not for sex, and I'm fine with them, but the fire of passion, if we want to say so, doesn’t exist anymore. 

It will seem paradoxical, Project, but now that I am 36 years old I am beginning to be afraid of being alone again. I wonder why I cannot live stable relationships, I don’t even know if it's my fault or not, but it doesn’t happen. It is as if today the desire for a couple was diminished, nobody wants to commit, nobody wants to tie up with other guys. Something like a more or less friendly sex you can find it too, quite easily, but a guy to love no! It's just a terrible thing. Sometimes deluded myself, I thought it would finally happen, but it didn’t happen, or rather it seemed like it had happened, but after a few months it was completely over. 

I dream of a guy to love, to love in every sense, a guy with whom to live a truly free and above all mutual sexuality, because I would like to find a true sexual harmony, which in practice I have never found 100%, but I would also like a guy with whom to share ordinary life, work concerns, economic ones, plans for the future. Am I still dreaming at 36? Did not the experience teach me anything? I should settle and say: ok, I'm fine with the first available, so I "settle"! Just like the ugly girls of the past (if they really did). No! So I'm better alone, because if I'm alone at least I'm free. Being in two is nice if you really love each other, otherwise it is better to be alone. A little sex without great expectations I find it even with some unlucky friend like me, and it's already happened.

Bye, Pro!

John81
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