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GAY LOVE AND TRANSGRESSIVE SEX
#1
Hi Project,

I find myself in a difficult situation that I would never have placed between the possible hypotheses. I am 45 years old, I have had only one serious story in my life with the only guy with whom I have also had sex, he is 10 years younger than me, the story was beautiful, because he is an honest person who speaks clearly and with me behaved very well, but despite all this, the story lasted a few years and then ended, without quarrels and recriminations, but ended because he was looking for something else and I think he was right, because I don’t believe me at all the ideal companion. Since then, and it's been five years, he had several guys but he never managed to have a relationship with a minimum of stability and I saw him gradually fall into situations of increasingly serious discomfort. He was going a little towards depression, and a little towards too easy enthusiasms, he became increasingly addicted to sex, which by now I don’t think it is anymore satisfactory for him, I think instead it has become a kind of obsession that made him waste time with the studies and then with the possibility of finding a real job, but above all convinced him that he was a kind of pathological case and in reality in his worst moments he could give that impression but I think that he is terribly alone. He knows that I no longer have a boyfriend after him and he every so often calls me, especially when he feels worse, I try not to disappoint him as it is possible, but I realize that little by little the dialogue between us has been reduced only to talking about sex. He asks me if I remember when we were making love and I say yes, because I remember it, but then I see that he is not really interested in sex as a way to be with a guy and to be well with that guy, but as a way to evoke transgressive situations lived together, that end up being the dominant memories, and he asks me in particular and insistently if I remember exactly those moments and tries to reconstruct them in a very detailed way, and this speech is often repeated, so much so as to become sometimes the only topic of conversation. He has been going to a psychologist for a few months now, she seems like a good woman, not invasive, he talks to her but probably she does not know him as I do. Project, sometimes I wonder what I can do for him, because I love him. It is obvious that he doesn’t want to get back with me and I think that at the moment he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and that's what scares me, because I think that loneliness can be a trap without exit. When he calls me, at the most improbable hours of the day and night, I never know how to react, I try to support him, but I realize that the dialogue is limited, nevertheless I think that it is better than nothing and then, honestly, it makes me feel bad to see him so prostrate and addicted, it is as if for him everything revolves around the transgressive sex, which for him is an interest precisely because it is transgressive. A few years ago, when we were no longer together, he told me a lot about himself and I know, as he knows, the reason for all this. Project, look, he's a guy with a monstrous intelligence, when he's really shiny, and then he's extremely outspoken, he never makes any psychological tricks, doesn’t follow strategies, and says what he really thinks. I still feel a strong attraction to him, if it depended only on me, I wouldn’t think twice and I would get back with him, but the fact is that he doesn’t want this, he’s probably looking for a person who shares with him the charm of transgressive sex to feel it as a normal thing one can also speak about without problems and that can be accepted. Project, when I say transgressive sex don’t imagine crazy things, for him the exciting transgression is only one, that of betrayal, of double play, of keeping one foot in two shoes, going to bed with one without saying it to the other, but keep in mind that when he did these things he himself said that, as if this, let's call it sex with betrayal of trust, should be accepted and somehow approved. Apart from the fact that these things were very rare exceptions, even if in his memory they left a deep trace. I would add that such behavior probably would not have undermined anything, if it were an exception as it actually was. Get back with him, today as today, it is an eventuality absolutely impracticable, even if I think it wouldn’t be a hypothesis so much to discard, because I really love him and he has a dialogue with me that I don’t believe he can have with other persons. So what should I do? If we try to see each other once in a while, for example every two weeks, we will inevitably end up in bed having some sex, but it would be strongly conditioned by the memories of the transgressive sex and at the end he would feel nevertheless uncomfortable (it's already happened). I gave up on having my plan for the future and my desire is just not to leave him alone, but I don’t know what to do. In his dark moments, when I try to open a more substantial speech with him, he silences me and asks me not to change the subject and we go back to talking about the memories of transgressive sex. His presence in my life has been a constant for many years and it is so much more now because I see him uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me to tell him that I love him and he tells me: "Enough with these sentimental things!" And we return to the usual speeches. Yet not more than a couple of months ago, I had seen him very differently, the relationship with the psychologist was working and he was coming out of the idea almost obsessive to live, or better not to be able to live a love story. In reality, however, it was as if he had simply accepted the idea that he would never have had a romance, but not because no one would fall in love with him, but because he would never really fall in love with anyone. Project, I bring inside myself so much melancholy and I don’t know what to do, I'm still in love and I feel really in disarray. My dreams are not compatible with his, and I am also willing to adapt to his but I don’t know how, and above all I fear to be a remedy worse than the disease. The story ends here. The future is very uncertain and I have no reference points whatsoever. What should I do, Project?
Alex
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