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SUBLIMATED HETERO LOVE AND GAY MASTURBATION
#1
Hi Project, how are you? 

I'm writing to you after a few months to talk and update you a bit. I have read, as you suggested, the manual Being Gay that you published on the site. There are sections, especially in the first chapters that are the photography of my experience. I really wish I'd read these things before! Sometimes I think that today being gay is, at least from a social point of view, extremely easier than a few years ago. When I was a teenager, everyone, I underline it, all my friends and classmates were openly homophobic. 

Starting from the beginning of high school, perhaps because my way of doing wasn’t so much macho, some of my classmates had begun to make fun of me. I was at school by the priests and this perhaps contributed to create an environment not very open, the fact is that I had been targeted by a classmate and within a short time all my classmates followed him and begun to make fun of me, calling me gay. You cannot imagine how much I suffered for this. On the one side inside of me I knew I was a homosexual, because I had gay masturbation fantasies and because I already had had a homosexual episode with a friend in the eighth grade, on the other side I tried to look heterosexual and take on more masculine attitudes. I also tried to please the girls, so much so that I had fallen in love with some girls at the time. 

Reading your manual now I smile because there are things that I experienced in the first person. For example, the fact that I fell madly in love with a girl, I even idealized her, I fell in love with her in romantic terms, but I didn’t have a real sexual interest for her and I didn’t masturbate thinking about her. The most I could do was some petting and some caresses on her breasts or her sex. With a girl around 19, we masturbated each other, and I came to orgasm, but if I think about how we did these things I almost laugh: practically we remained dressed in the dark, and we masturbated to orgasm. I didn’t want to penetrate her, nor do oral sex, masturbation was even too much. 

And all this was enough for me to think that I was straight! Yes I wanted to be straight and I thought that all my jerking off thinking of the guys was the result of a transitional situation, absolutely not of my true and primary sexuality, but just a passing thing, a kind of strange pastime. I came to think: “I just have to find the right girl and all gay thoughts will vanish like fog in the sun!” Then I found the right girl and, since gay thoughts didn’t vanish at all, I thought, well, with a girl it's different, I cannot masturbate thinking about her, it's not beautiful, not polite, so I must keep thinking about the guys when I masturbate, but I'm straight anyway, because I'm in love with a girl! But then sex with this girl was neither disinhibited nor satisfying and I thought: the girl's fault, or fault of the girls in general, they like sex less than us boys and I ended up masturbating always and only thinking about guys. 

Then even if the sex was not satisfactory I thought that the love with L capital was for this girl and that I would never fall in love with a guy, because love was reserved for girls and for this I was straight! The process of rationalization was very complex but identical to what you describe in the manual. You have to add that I didn’t want to be teased by classmates! 

But I certainly can’t forget the crush on a schoolmate a year younger than me! I had begun to notice him for his body. We stayed in the afternoon many people studying in a large classroom and this guy was sitting not far from me. The first time I noticed him, almost absent-mindedly, it had been because ... I had been impressed by his backside, very masculine. From that moment I began to observe him more and more often and the more I watched him, the more I found him interesting, and I began to feel attraction towards him. Then almost unconsciously I started to masturbate thinking about him. 

At the same time I was platonically in love with a girl I had met in the summer at sea and with whom I had started an idealized love story (with a throbbing heart). With this girl, the maximum sex had been a little petting a few days in the summer, and I never masturbated thinking of her. But we exchanged romantic letters and this was enough to reassure me that I was straight. But then at school I was waiting for that guy to go out with him and walk a stretch of the road to the bus stop. And I found excuses to go to see the volleyball matches of that guy's team, to be able to see him in shorts; I liked to see him play, I liked his legs, his back, his chest. 

For all the years of high school I have fought with myself. I understood and didn’t accept. I understood and hoped it was not true, that it was the school of priests, that were the wrong girls, that was the fact that I was in a single-sex school. I was looking for all the excuses outside of me: it was the environment that diverted me from a straight (in both senses) behavior. But it was not the environment to be gay, nor girls not to be right, nor me to be unlucky nor me who was the one girls didn't like. I would have had to look inside of me to understand that the environment, the priests, the girls, the gay episode at 14, had nothing to do with my homosexuality, but simply I was just like that, despite the environment and despite many girls who liked me and despite the girls who liked to have sex with me (I was the one who didn’t like going beyond kisses and a few touches, they would have even liked to do everything). It was me. 

I would have certainly understood much earlier and much better, if I had had the opportunity to read the things written in the forum and in the manual. And yes, because I really wanted to believe that I was "a wrong heterosexual" for too long. I really liked girls, in the sense that I perceived the beauty and I know very well and I like the beauty of a girl. And so the beauty of a girl made me fall in love with her, idealizing her. I idealized her so much that sex passed into the background, but at the time I thought that sex ended up in the background because pure love prevailed on the materiality of the sexual act. So yes, I courted some girls and some stories are born, I really liked kissing them, I had very spontaneous erections, but such things were still unsatisfactory, neither I nor these girls took so many initiatives. 

But how I felt in love! And how many opportunities I have deliberately let fall. A girl had invited me to her house one afternoon (and we could have had sex, in my opinion), but once I got there I started talking about everything, without even touching her. Another girl had started to call me on the phone, we had even gone out together a few times, and there, too, nothing, I had not stepped forward, even guessing that she would have accepted, if only I had tried to do something. 

One evening a friend of mine wanted to go to the disco because there was a party and there were girls to meet; I had found an excuse not to go (the classic excuse: I have to study) and I had moved to a newsstand where with my heart in the throat and the salivation reduced to zero I bought my first gay porn journal. I don’t tell you the initial embarrassment with the newsagent, the fear, and then once at home the excitement, the excitement I had felt in flipping through that newspaper. Seeing those naked guys, seeing that I was not alone with my fantasies, seeing that there were other guys (and very beautiful too) who not only were gay, but were photographed while having sex with each other, literally stunned me. It was so big my desire to see a gay porn magazine, that I had challenged the fear, the shame and had taken courage. So the same night my friend was in the nightclub trying to catch girls and I was at home masturbating with a gay magazine. 

And despite all this evidence, I wanted to continue to believe that I was straight and to believe I had gay fantasies just to masturbate, because masturbation thinking of a girl "gave me frustration, hurt me, because it made the girl object of my thoughts become just an object of sexual fantasies". And how is it that when I happened to have experiences of gay sex, certainly I was not inhibited and I didn’t think so much? I just let myself go! How is it that when I perceived the possibility of having sex with a guy I was looking for an opportunity to do it? How is it that I masturbated thinking about what I had done with a guy or even thinking about what I wanted to do with a guy (hetero)? Yeah, the usual rationalization: "masturbation is a thing in which girls don’t enter, but I’m straight because I fall in love with girls and because if I see a beautiful girl I like her". 

Yes, I liked girls, but when it was time to conclude, as I wrote before, I subtracted myself from my duty of heterosexual guy and took refuge in romance, in idealization, in beautiful speeches, and at the very most we touched each other or little more. You know, I came to think: "I like lesbians because there are no men around and I would like to be between these two women, so I'm a super straight!" Instead, seen with today's awareness, the reality is that I like lesbians as homosexuals and because for me homosexuality is a natural sexual condition. So for me it is natural to have sex guys with guys, and girls with girls. I'm not a super straight guy, I'm a super gay!

See you soon.
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