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GAYS BETWEEN STRENGTH AND WEAKNESS
#1
Hi Project,
I’m a thirty-eight year old guy who has slowly lost all his dreams on the street, who has a precarious job and lives with the nightmare of being out of work at any moment, who has parents with serious health problems, and who is looking for how to get on with what is available without complaining too much. 

And then there is my partner who, for heaven's sake, is a good guy, but thinks only with his own head and, perhaps, for my sake, he only reproaches me because he thinks I need an energetic grooming to react to against all my problems instead of simply abandoning myself to the chance. 

I’m not angry with my boyfriend, who in the end has been close to me even in the worst moments. Now even writing what I think seems to me almost an aggression against him, who in the end is a poor guy like me, and so I avoid making judgments and comparing reality to my dreams, because a good part of our misunderstandings also depends on me, on my inertia, on my pulling away. 

He is younger than me and has a lot of strength, I see it every day by how he reacts, when I get back from work, I’m very tired, sometimes I don't even eat, I have to think about my parents who are much worse than me, I have to think about cooking, making them eat, and sometimes it is a hard business, often I don't have the time to think about my boyfriend and he feels marginalized, neglected and almost abandoned and doesn’t understand that I’m exhausted. 

It’s surprising for him that my sexual interests have been dying out over time, that I don’t react with enthusiasm to his proposals. According to him sex should always arouse the maximum enthusiasm, as it happened before. 

Sometimes he asks me to go to his house, since I live with my parents, but I don't go there because I'm too much tired and he feels it as a refusal and tells me that I prefer to sleep alone rather than being with him. And then it is also true that I try to escape him or rather to escape sex with him, because I often have no desire and when I get to the point my participation is very superficial and he asks me a thousand times why. 

He knows very well that I haven’t other guys  of any kind, and it seems strange to him that I can no longer live sex as before, and this humiliates me, I feel judged and not understood, on the other hand I don't know what he can think about me, probably he thinks I’m weak, yielding, willing to endure anything in order to be left in peace. 

Sometimes he starts to behave drastically with me, but without malice, he scolds me, he judges me but he doesn't understand me and this makes me feel bad. Many times I think that if we parted it would be better for both him and me. He would always be disappointed with me, and on the other hand I don't understand why he insists on staying with me, I don't understand what he can find in me. 

Sometimes there are moments of freezing between us, he gets very angry and sends me to hell, but then he comes back, maybe for only two minutes, but he comes back and calls me on the phone. He tells me that at my age I’m not yet at the andropause, that he would understand some of my reluctances if I had another guy but since I have no one else, my behavior seems to him pathological, my reluctances seem to him depressed reluctances. 

He can't stand that I always avoid clashes with people, even when such clashes seem necessary to him, sometimes he tells me badly that I should send some people loudly you know where, while I always try to mend, to find a quiet life and to come down to a compromise. 

Actually at my age I shouldn't have lost sexual interest, I know that, when I go to him he always expects me to go there to have sex with him, but many times I don't feel like it, I would cuddle him, I would stay embraced with him while watching TV but he can't stand such things and on the contrary, in a sense, he despises them because they seem to him stupid things, a bit of play too much childish. He doesn’t like sweet speeches, now I no longer try to make speeches of that type, because it is perfectly useless. 

He tries to bring me to his ground, that is, to the immediately sexual level, and I sometimes follow him on that ground, but he realizes that on my part it is somehow a surrender, that it is a thing made with a very weak enthusiasm. 

We will never live together, I have to look after my parents and I can't get rid of such problems, on the contrary he is free, he still has young parents and he could very well find a companion as he would like him, sometimes he has been with other guys, but it always lasted a little time, after a couple of months or so he dropped them and came back to me. 

I like his way of being a little aggressive, because behind it there is an underlying affection, never accepted and always carried on the sexual level, but that underlying affection is really there, otherwise he would have gone away and never would have come back. I think that somehow he is attracted by my weakness, he sees himself in the shoes of the one who has to pull me out of the depression pit. I don’t really feel in that pit, I’m tired, yes, and a lot, but I know he is there, perhaps in this sense he is my lifeline. 

But I’m afraid to drag him too into more or less depressive mechanisms. I think he's a very good guy and I don't think I deserve one like that. If I said something like that in front of him he would get very angry and preach me about my low self-esteem. 

We have been together for years. I don't know what holds us together, the more I wonder the less I understand it, but he is basically the only positive certainty in my life. What would happen if he really went away, I mean permanently? Well then the depression, the real one, would lie in wait. 

I know that this story is not the typical dream of gay guys, and after all it wasn't even my dream and least of all I think it was my boyfriend's dream, but in the end dreams are dreams while our relationship exists now for years and basically has never gone into crisis. 

If there is a glue that holds us together, I think it consists in the fact that we appreciate each other, I think he would never make something bad against anyone and when he sees me unresponsive and surrendered despite his efforts, in the end he smiles, as if to say: "I know there is nothing to do, but anyway that's okay!"

If you want you can publish my email.
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