03-11-2019, 03:04 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-12-2019, 11:53 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
reading here and there in your blogs I found a lot of very different things, I have some experience of gay things, I have seen and sometimes experienced things of every kind and I appreciate that you don’t make an ideological discourse but try to represent a very complex reality for what it is.
Everyone lives sexuality his own way, more or less sublimated, when you call someone gay, basically you identify a single characteristic of a person, which is very important, no doubt, but which can have the most opposite outcomes in real terms. I am 46 years old, I'm not a kid. Somehow I lived my being gay and it was basically much better agreeable than I imagined it twenty years ago, I have "serious" gay friends, as you would say, and I have also a boyfriend, whom I will call Carlo here, with whom I have lived for 13 years, he is ten years younger than me. We love each other, we have had our skirmishes, but after 13 years we are still together and it has now become a reality of our life.
We are a tight couple, I never thought I could be betrayed by Carlo, nor did he think I could betray him, because there is undoubtedly an agreement or better a shared love between us. You will tell me that if things are so basically there is no problem, but the problem is there anyway.
I cannot say why, but I begin to feel tired, not tired of my relationship with Carlo, but just tired physically, mentally, stressed. I have a great job, but it takes away my tranquility, it is as if I always lived in a precarious situation. I work from morning to night and sometimes even at night. Certainly there are satisfactions in my work, but perhaps the price to pay is too much high. I don’t know, there might also be other reasons. I have been to my doctor, who has had me do a series of clinical tests but nothing particular has emerged from it.
However I feel fatigue and here begins my "couple problem", if I can call it so, because in reality Carlo has nothing to do with it and continues to behave with me as he has always done. Apart from being several years younger than me, it was always him who gave the tone to sexuality between us. For him, sex is a very important thing not only in terms of affection and contact between two people, but for what can be done together, that is, I clearly feel that for him a generic physical contact is not enough while I would certainly feel satisfied limiting myself just to that. He wants a more performing, more transgressive sexuality.
I'm fine with him and the sex with him is very important for me too, but for me what matters is the fact that he is there, that I can feel his warmth and the fact that he participates in a very involved and involving way, for him it's also something else and I'm not always up to the situation. It is not technically that things don’t work, but at the level of underlying psychological motivation.
He tells me that I don’t have to say no, that I have to do it for him, and I can agree on that, but it's as if I started wondering if he realizes that sometimes I would feel happy with him with just a little pampering. And here I wonder what I have to do to maintain a balance, must I adapt to him or should he adapt to me? Historically I was the one to adapt, but the expression is stupid, let's say I followed him and I learned from him what sex is. I cannot deny that I understood many things through him, to which I would never have arrived alone or with other guys.
Let's say that between us there has always been, in terms of sex, a typical relationship of teacher (him) and student (me). He slowly led me to overcome my resistance, to minimize my problems with sex, to accept the normality of sex life, and all this was positive, but sometimes he seemed to me and still seems too insistent. He knows how to involve me, he is convinced that he must help me to get rid of a lot of fake problems and that I am too complicated and blocked, and perhaps a little it is also true, but some of his behaviors seem to me a bit too much insinuating.
Recently I told him how I feel and that I have many other things on my mind and I had the impression that he didn’t really realize that at some moments I don’t feel really comfortable with him and I feel also harassed by him, by his insistence. I have come to tell him that at certain times I'd rather be alone, and he considered such a statement almost as if it were an offense. He left for a week to visit his parents and left me alone.
Then he called me but in a way that left me perplexed, he told me: "You know what I want!" And I said to him: "Damn you! But what are you waiting for?" He came back home in the evening and I can only say that it was a nice evening of sex, tiring for me, but it was a nice evening in the full sense of the term. At the end he asked me: "Something's wrong?" And I threw him on the bed and kissed him without letting him saying a word.
After all this story, you will tell me: "Where is the problem?" Sometimes I don’t even know, I think that with a guy his age or even younger he could feel better, sometimes I think that if he went away because he found a boy and fell in love, well, at the end, I would not feel uncomfortable, but it never happened.
What can he find in me? I just cannot understand it. He knows he has an real power on me and knows that in the end I would never say no to him, but does he ever think of me? Does he think of what can worry me, of the thousand problems I have when I'm with him? He usually disregards such matters and says that I am too talkative, like a Hamlet, who chats too much because he still hasn’t learned to really let himself go and to love his boyfriend.
He tells me that I should be happy to make him happy and instead I don’t stop complaining and he gets depressed because he thinks he will never get me out of my melancholy and he knows that he can only succeed with sex. But doesn’t the andropause start at 46? I'm joking of course!
When he is with me I’m always amazed by his spontaneity, by the immediacy of his behavior. He arrives, he undresses, he gets on the bed, I'm slower, then he looks at me and says: "What are you waiting for?" And then he goes wild, and what follows seems almost unbelievable to me! He never mixes sex with words, he is convinced that words can end up ruining sex and on this I think he’s right. I am a lazy student for him, but if suitably motivated I follow my teacher.
In fact I think I have a lot to learn from him even if I fear him a little, I'm not afraid of being cheated by him, because it never happened, but I fear his ability to get what he wants, I fear his insistence, because he never gives up. It's a bit 'as if we were complementary, I teach him affectivity and he teaches me sex and we go on like this. He tells me that when I'm too pensive, he has only one way to get me rid of my thoughts and it could even be true. Do you say it will last?
Mau72