05-13-2021, 12:57 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-13-2021, 12:58 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Hi Project,
today is Saturday, the day my boyfriend comes to me to spend the weekend with me. I’m 35 and he is 38, we are no longer boys, we have become men. Our story doesn’t present twists or radical turning points, it began in a way that I would never have imagined but after the beginning it has been somehow a story without a real story of facts, even if in my head I have been living a real and rather twisted psychological story. The beginnings, after all, are not very distant in time. At the time I was 29 and he was 32. I liked him, he was a beautiful guy, but objectively, physically, I'm not that great and I thought he was an unattainable goal for me. Concretely I didn't even try to build anything with him, I had the desire to try but nevertheless I never tried. We met through mutual friends, but it was an extremely superficial acquaintance, I didn't even know he was gay and I had no reason to think so. Every now and then I had some fantasy about him because objectively I liked him a lot, but a bit like you do with the beautiful actors you see in the newspapers, but strangely he did everything himself. I wondered what kind of gay radar worked in his case, because my gay radar never worked very well. He probably got my mobile number from some mutual friend, I mean he got it on his own initiative.
One Sunday morning he calls me. At first I didn’t even understand who he was, he tells me that he is Near my house and that if I have nothing better to do we could take a walk together. I don't make him say it twice, let's face it, I almost didn't believe it, for me it was as like if the Charming Prince had gone to see Cinderella. I can't hide the fact that it made me feel anxious, my heartbeat became more frequent, almost up to make me feel breathless. He told me he was happy to see me. Already all this set of apparently so trivial things, to me it had a very intriguing sense, but I was afraid of taking some false step and I didn’t want to upset him for any reason, generally I didn’t trust my gay radar, but in that case it began to send me strong and clear signals but, as I said, it was he who practically did everything.
He told me: "I'm gay, but I think you already understand it ..." I replied: "I'm gay too and if you hadn't understood it now you wouldn't be here, am I wrong?" He looked at me and began to laugh, then added: "Well, the first step is done, in my opinion you have a very remarkable sex appeal ..." I looked at him wide-eyed, as if to say: "Who, me? But can you see well?" He continued: “And then I think you like me. Do you remember the trip to the lake? Well, I have often noticed that you looked at me and that, when I turned towards you, you immediately looked away, or am I wrong? " At that point everything was clear: “No! You're not wrong ..."
We talked about what we do in life, work, friendships and then, very superficially, our gay relationships. He is very direct, something I was absolutely not used to. At one point he looked me straight in the eye and said: "Now I would like to have sex with you ..." I tried to beat around the bush and he said to me: "Ok, okay, not now, but when we meet again we do, ok? " I didn't know what to say, the idea attracted me a lot, but deep down I knew almost nothing about him. I asked him: "Don't you think you're running too fast?" His answer surprised me, he said: "I know you want to say yes, I can read it on your face, but you don't trust ... and you do well, but you will realize that you can trust me, maybe not next time, but soon you will say yes ... and then, if there is a need, I will wait, if I like a guy and I know that he wants to be with me, I certainly won't give up in order to go with someone else… so it's only a matter of time."
After these speeches one would expect the meeting to be practically over, but no, it didn't happen like that at all, we have been talking non stop all day and until late in the night, we had lunch and dinner with a piece of pizza. He has his own way of considering sex, he says that one must not be ashamed of one's desires, even of those, let's say, "more transgressive", this speech alarmed me and I said to myself: "Be careful, because this guy is like all the others and even worse!" and I began to be much more alert and listening rather than speaking.
He continued by saying that finding the right partner means feeling 100% accepted, and here I said to myself: “According to him, 100% accepted means in practice that I have to do whatever he wants… eh no! What a bad start!" He went on: "If someone loves you but doesn’t want you as a sexual partner, in fact he doesn’t love you completely, he is afraid of you, if on the sexual level there is a true harmony, then it can be built everything else too." He says that you can't start with affection hoping that sex will come too, if there is no strong sexual attraction, affection ends up being a something starting from the head. This is an expression that he uses frequently, he distinguishes two types of falling in love, the first one that comes from the head and the second one that comes from the ... (I can omit the word, you certainly understand what I mean!) and according to him the true falling in love, that is the fundamental one, is the second. At first the speech seemed strange to me, but in the end I think he’s not entirely wrong.
We said goodbye at three in the morning, ... and we kissed and not like two simple friends. The last sentence he said to me was: "I would have given you a squeeze there ... the temptation was very strong ..." He hadn’t yet finished the sentence that what he hadn’t done with me I did with him, something I would never have dreamed of with anyone else. Then he too did his part. Then he told me. "Next time I think it will be beautiful!" When I got home, well, I didn't sleep at all and you can imagine what I did. I was not at all upset, according to my traditional models I should have been on guard because in fact he had made some rather strange speeches, I would have had to reflect on what happened and on the potential risks, etc. etc., but I couldn't think of anything like that. I thought about those final squeezes and what the next time would be like, I had no taboos to overcome and I was amazed at this, I never imagined such a thing, yet it had happened, and it had happened to me.
I understood that in order to come to me, without even being sure that I was there, he had traveled 150 km by car and that he would have made another 150 km to return to his house in the middle of the night. If someone does things like that it means that he really cares about it. From the meanders of my brain, however, occasionally some doubts woke up to ruin the party, but those doubts seemed stupid and unfounded to me. On the other hand, I couldn't talk to anyone about what had happened, I had to keep everything to myself. It was the first time ever that I didn’t experience a falling in love coming from the head, but one coming from the … ! I began to wonder what I should do: call him back, talk to him again, or just wait for the next meeting. I kind of took it for granted that he wouldn't abandon the game, I waited for the next meeting which I expected would be the following Saturday.
I remember that I did the countdown for the whole week, I seemed like a sixteen-year-old at the first falling in love, but I was 29 and I felt very excited, really excited even sexually by the idea of seeing him again. On Saturday morning I had shaved with the utmost care, I had chosen a light lavender scent, I had fixed my sideburns and many other things like that. I looked at myself in the mirror and I even felt like a handsome guy, or almost! I tried to imagine what would happen shortly thereafter but my enthusiasm didn’t last long. Saturday morning passes and there is no news of him. Since there were those famous 150 km, I start to panic and then I decide and call him on the phone. He tells me that he is at work and that he will finish at 6.00 pm, then adds: “Prepare spaghetti with tomato sauce for me, I’ll be with you for dinner!“ I tell him to go by car without running, then we say goodbye. All doubts and questions were gone with a 3 minute phone call.
I made the best spaghetti I could, I was over the moon. When he arrived he had a flash in his eyes, as soon as I closed the door he literally jumped on me and I, to tell the truth, have risen to the occasion like him and better than him. It was overwhelming. He didn't act, he was really explosive, the other guys I had been with were absolutely not that spontaneous. He made me a proposal a little too transgressive for my standards and for me it was a moment of panic, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to oppose him but I didn't want to follow him on a ground that had never been the object of my fantasies, then I decided and told him “no” and he just replied: "Ok!" I liked this answer very much. I expected that between us, because of that no, something could change, but it wasn't like that at all. He is not frustrated, he doesn’t need to prevail, he was more attentive to me than to himself, this is also something that almost never happened with other guys. He looked me in the eye, smiled at me, said stupid jokes and laughed like an idiot, dragging me into laughter too. The transgression argument never came to the surface again.
At one point I asked him: "Did you take the hiv test?" And he replied: "No ..." I didn't know what would follow that no, but he added: "you're right, we have to use our brain, we only have to do non-risky things, I think it will be beautiful all the same ..." I liked this answer very much, I was afraid he could tell me completely different things. And then if a very excited guy who has traveled 150 km to have sex with you tells you that he hasn’t taken the test it means that he tells you things as they are, and this is of enormous value. We did everything that can be done without penetration of any kind, not even oral, then we concluded each on their own. In the end we were really tired and we ended laying down together on the bed naked turned towards each other, every now and then we exchanged a caress, then we started to feel a bit cold and we went to eat the famous spaghetti, made with eggs like carbonara, but it looked more like an omelette, but he liked it very much anyway, at least so it seemed.
We washed the dishes together, it was now eleven and we went to bed together, something a bit complicated because I don't have a double bed but a room with two beds, but even if with some acrobatics we stayed hugging each other in the same bed. After one in the morning he said to me: "Do you mind if I go to sleep in the other bed?" I told him: "Of course you have to go there and in the morning we have to go immediately and buy a double bed and a suitable mattress, so next time we can stay in the same bed ..." He just replied: "Sure! Good night!" The next day we really went to buy a double bed, mattress and bed linen. However, Sunday was a bit sad because he had to leave in the middle of the afternoon. Before leaving he told me: "Were you happy?" I told him: "An unimaginable thing!" and he gave me a light kiss and went away, after about two hours he sent me a text message: "I'm home! You have been beyond all expectations!"
After such an overwhelming start, you will perhaps expect who knows what evolution, and I’m talking about real evolutions you can read in evenements. In reality there has been an evolution and I would rather say an involution, but for my part, and I think it is something inevitable or almost in long-distance relationships, I’m talking about the woodworm of doubt, an ugly beast that eats your brain from the inside. The following week I wait for him but he calls me on the phone and tells me that he is very tired, that he has to work in the afternoon until 6 pm and that he doesn't feel like taking a long trip in those conditions (headache). I tell him that there is no problem and that we will see each other the following Saturday, then in the evening it occurs to me to call him to ask him how he is, but he doesn’t answer the phone and the answering machine starts. And my doubts start with the answering machine: "Why doesn’t he answer? Where can he stay? Is he really bad? Isn't it by chance that he told me a lie to get rid of me because he had better things to do? What do I do? Do I call him back or do I pretend nothing has happened? In short, I enter a state of agitation. The previous week he had traveled 300 km to be with me for a day and a half and the following week he says he has a headache but if I call him he doesn't answer me ... Agitation, frustration, very strong curiosity to know the truth dominated my brain in those minutes . Then I said to myself: “You must never give credit to anyone! It all started like lightning and it will all end in a flash in the pan, if it's not over already."
Evidently he mustn't have looked at the phone, because he hasn't called me back, and he hasn't called me back all week. On Friday evening I expected to receive his call to warn me that he would not be coming and instead he shows up just before midnight. It was as overwhelming as the first time. I didn't tell him anything about the previous Saturday and he didn't talk about it, but he was totally casual, he joked, he played with me, as if nothing had happened, then at a certain point he saw me less reactive and asked me why. I told him about my doubts and he looked at me puzzled and said: “What doubts do you have? If I were not okay with you I would tell you it clearly. If you wouldn't have to work I would tell you to come and stay at my house, I really have nothing to hide.“ I asked him why there was the answering machine and he said he was sleeping and when he sleeps he disconnects the phone to avoid being woken up and added that because I'm so suspicious he won't do it anymore. I confess that I felt stupid, as to risks putting serious things in crisis due to meaningless doubts. I was worried that it would negatively evaluate my doubts. We didn't have sex on Friday night, but he pampered me and there was still a lot of physical contact because he wanted me to understand that he was okay.
The next morning we have been hugged tightly for a long time and it was a very good feeling. But another idea came to me and that was that the first time we had had a lot of sex, although not penetrative, while now we had done very little sex, a sign that something between us no longer worked. He saw that I was a bit dazed and tried to talk to me but the more he tried the more I thought he had put aside sex because he was disappointed in me or maybe because he was thinking of someone else. For a while I didn't say anything to him, but then I couldn't take it anymore and I spoke clearly. He replied: "Sex is a beautiful thing, but from my boyfriend I’m not expecting just sex, sex is essential, but you are not a doll, you are a man and I care about you from all points of view." Again I felt a fool and tried to apologize, but he said to me:" Shut up! Let's be quiet for a few minutes… ”I nodded yes. On Saturday we had sex (always safe) but it felt less engaging to me.
I told him: "Yesterday I said no to you about a particular thing, but if you want we can do it ..." He replied: "What matters is that you stay here, with all your doubts, but you stay here, everything else is completely secondary, we have to find a balance between us. You never have to adapt by principle or by necessity, there is nothing that is indispensable except the fact that we love each other despite the doubts. And then next Saturday we have to go for the test, so you can rest assured. " I wondered what happened to those more transgressive things to which he had referred at the beginning, it seemed to have all vanished into thin air.
Then we started a talk on jealousy. He says that jealousy is an ambiguous feeling, because on the one hand it is a sign of love, but on the other hand it is a sign of possessiveness which is a bit of a denial of love. By now, if I may say so, we have been together for almost 6 years but there is an objective problem that affects us a lot, and that is the distance. He lives 150 km from me, we meet once at my home and once at his, but it's stressful. We basically spend one night a week together but we don't live together. I always carry my doubts with me, and it happens precisely because we don't live together. I must say that we love each other and that my doubts have always been unfounded. Once he left the phone at my house and I started to go through it thoroughly (I had done it before and he didn't look bothered at all), in short, there was nothing in his cell phone that authorized me to think badly: no strange apps and no suspicious addresses, very few phone numbers and practically only people who I also know or whom he talked to me a lot about. Over the course of a whole week only one friend of his called, who was looking for him, I told him that he had left his cell phone at my house and that he should have called him on the landline, but the call was absolutely bureaucratic, this friend was just a co-worker, and then I remembered that he had told me about him and said he is married and has two children, so nothing dangerous from my point of view.
In short, Project, I would like him always with me, a little, I confess, also to control him better, but above all to actually live together. The stress of travel is considerable and when I know that he is on his way to come to me, I’m on edge because I’m always afraid that he may have some accident. Even now that we have known each other for six years, I’m afraid of not fully understanding his behavior, and above all his way of experiencing sex, I fear that he may be discontented, disappointed, I fear that I don’t correspond to his model of sexuality, even if he, in fact, never gave me any reason to think so, but I think it anyway and every weekend, when I mentally make the comparison with the previous weekend, I think that something has been lost. I don't want him to feel me cold, detached or uninterested, because it is exactly the opposite, even if my involvement is different from his.
I realize that when he’s in front of me I fear him a little, but it doesn’t depend on him but on me, it comes to my mind to tell him something but then I don't do it so as not to upset the balance. In recent months, he has started to eat a little too much and is gaining weight, I had thought about telling him to be careful with the diet, but then it seemed like a rebuke, something that could hurt him and so I decided to keep my thoughts for myself, while perhaps facing the problem could have been of any use. One aspect that worries me a little is the fact that he jokes less and less, I would not like to have infected him with my melancholy, he talks to me, but the speech is difficult, when he is in a moment of melancholy the silence takes over and communication ceases completely. I'm afraid he doesn't trust me, however, I repeat, I feel he loves me even in the gray moments, in those moments he is probably not happy with himself and would like something else that he cannot even define.
In recent years he has changed a lot. He pampers me a lot with words, with caresses, with taking care of me but he doesn’t allow me to do the same with him, or rather, he allows me to do so but he fends off, he is almost ashamed of his moments of weakness, he’s reluctant to do cuddle. When having sex the enthusiasm is there and it is strong, but afterwards the melancholy takes over. Basically I find him less direct and instinctive than before, I would say less happy. He is objectively not melancholy but when he’s with me some melancholy comes to the surface. I’m afraid of all these things. If I talked about it with him I would end up involving him in my paranoia, to put on him only unnecessary anxiety and worries, but if I went on as I always did, that is, keeping everything to myself, I would end up keeping him at a distance from my deepest world and this would clearly be unfair, because he goes out of his way to make me feel like a king and is 100% honest with me. What do you think about, Project?