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GAY OBSESSIVE JEALOUSY
#1
Hi Project, I have to vent myself a little and since I don’t know with whom to do it, this time it's up to you to listen to me, I speak for myself, then if you answer me it’s better, otherwise peace, you are not obliged at all. I am melancholic, but I should say rather disappointed (not too much) and anxious because my umpteenth story is over for a few weeks now. I had deluded myself that he could be different from the others and I had committed myself to him. 
 
I've never cheated on my boyfriend, I think he did it, I'm not sure but I fear it happened. In practice for two months we no longer had sexual intercourse, the doubt that he had betrayed me has become a fixation but he has not admitted it and has always sworn the opposite. I didn’t trust him and I did the test, it's negative, fortunately, so I have escaped the biggest risk, but I still have the idea that he could have been with another guy when he was with me and this makes me consider him hateful.
 
Perhaps I gave too much space to the doubt, I don’t even know, since I began to think that he betrayed me, almost six months ago, I obsessed him and maybe he felt oppressed. But I can’t accept that he can be with me and in the same time have sex with another guy, it is something raises accesses of violent rage in me.
 
I never surprised him and even when I checked his PC I didn’t find anything compromising, but when we went out with friends he was very casual with some of them, too casual. For almost a year I have been with him and only with him. At the beginning everything was beautiful, at least for a few months, there was complicity, there was just will to be together and a lot of sex, but spontaneous, in short, I deluded myself that my dreams would become reality, then the worm of doubt entered my head and also the fear that he could infect me with the hiv and I demanded that the condom should always be used between us, something absolutely unusual for us.
 
At the beginning we had the test and in the early days it certainly didn’t occur to me that he could betray me, but, after, the idea slipped into my brain and didn’t come out anymore. And then even if he hadn’t had sex with others, I thought I was not enough anymore for him, he treated me in a colder, more standard way, I had to ask him for sex and he told me that he kept away because I seemed obsessed with idea that I betrayed him, he wanted at least me don’t have the idea of having caught something from him.
 
The first times he tried to convince me that he had never betrayed me, I believed him for a while, but then the idea that he could really betray me came back to me more and more strongly. I stalked him, I checked his phone several times while he was in the bathroom and I never caught him on the fact, but the doubt was always with me. In short, slowly our relationships became colder, I wanted to convince me that he had done nothing strange, but then in the end he got tired and didn’t even want to listen to me.
 
One evening he saw that I wanted to talk to him and went to close himself in his room and I was always in my room mulling alone. I thought we would come to an explanation but nothing happened, by now we had become two strangers even if we continued to live in the same house and so I was more and more convinced that he had a second life, because he tended not to stay at home when I was there. And why was he never jealous? He never asked me if I had betrayed him, perhaps because he was certain that it had not happened, or maybe just because I no longer had any importance for him. He always told me not to be jealous, but if one is not jealous he is not in love.
 
This is the last letter that he wrote to tell me that he would leave home (I changed only the names):
 
Dear Matthew, I break my heart to write this letter but I have to do it for your good and for mine. I believe we can no longer live together. Maybe you need something else. You are not as quiet as you were the early days, when being with you was beautiful, now I see that you're not at ease, I don’t know where to bang my head, I thought about it a lot. I wanted to find a way to make you feel better, and I tried anything, but slowly between us the dialogue has reduced.
 
This idea that I have betrayed you has become a real obsession, I told you and swore it in every way: I have never betrayed you and I swear once again on my head, but you don’t listen to me, it was as if you were closed behind a concrete wall and you go back obsessively on the idea of betrayal. I asked you with whom, in your opinion, I would have betrayed you and you replied that you didn’t know. Of course you didn’t know, because it never happened! And with whom I could have betrayed you? With John? With Matthew? With Max? But do you realize that it is ridiculous? Or would I betray you with people found in some dating site? Can you imagine me there? In practice it has become an obsession, you don’t feel anything, you don’t trust what I tell you, you make hypotheses with nothing real and those hypothesis seem you serious things, you get angry because I don’t "admit" I betrayed you . . . but what should I admit? Something that exists only in your brain? Slowly it has become a destructive play and you don’t even notice it, now you're another person who has nothing more of the sweetness and tenderness of a year ago, now you're just obsessed with a totally absurd doubt.
 
What can I do for you? At the point where we are, since you think I’m a faithless and a hypocrite guy (you have repeated it in all possible ways) I cannot help but go away, at least this obsession will end up abandoning you. Believe me I made every possible effort but I cannot go on this way on because I love you. Obviously I will always be available for you, but if you don’t trust me, staying together no longer makes any sense. I embrace you and I wish you from the bottom of my heart to find again the serenity."
 
Project, each time I reread this letter I get the doubt that I have done everything wrong and I have destroyed everything and I feel bad, because I destroyed everything both for myself and for him, who might not even deserve it.
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