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Hello Project, 

I saw that in your forum there are several posts dedicated to ex boyfriends and it is not very rare that even after the end of the couple relationship guys keep important contacts with their ex, and that is what happened to me too. I am a forty years old man who has been with only one guy in his life, this guy is 11 years younger than me. I loved my boyfriend and I also felt his love for me, I think it was a fundamental experience for both of us. 

I was very inhibited and basically unable to understand the value of sexuality lived in couple, he was much more sexually uninhibited than me but tended to give little value to affectivity, which for me has always been fundamental. Our different visions of couple relationships initially created some problems, but then, over the years, our positions have come closer. 

In theory, everything suggested that our relationship could continue indefinitely, but that didn’t happen. After all, my complexes were still there for the most part and he continued to have resistances to understand that for me to love him was not just a matter of sex. After all, even for him it was not a matter of sex. Sometimes I could not understand how much he needed sexual contact and I started talking about very theoretical and even stupid things, instead of really being in tune with him, he felt not understood, neglected, I saw him change mood and I didn’t understand why. 

When he needed sex, in spite of his sexual ease, he didn’t always say it explicitly, partly because he knew that I was often a bit loath to follow him on that ground, even if it seems paradoxical. For a while things went on like that, then he told me clearly that he loved me but he needed something else. At the time I was upset, then it occurred to me that he is so much younger than me and that perhaps the underlying reason is just that. I told him that I understood him very well and that I would not have been upset and so I encouraged him to find another guy. 

When he found that guy, I really went into a crisis, I felt alone, in a sense I knew I had done the right thing, but I missed him very much. He had his boyfriend and he was also fine with him, at least so it seemed, but he didn’t abandon me at all. When we spoke, I felt him more serene, less neurotic, and this made me feel good. I never called him to let him fell free, but we kept in contact anyway, we spoke quite often on skype. Our conversations were no longer those of two lovers, by now we had overcome that dimension, but were conversations between two people who esteem each other and who don’t want to lose contact and frankly it didn’t seem to me that our relationship had less value than before, even if perhaps for him it was not exactly like that. 

I met his boyfriend, who knew that he had been with me before, and I was very impressed, he was a very serious guy and he loved him. The story with this new guy has been going on for four years, then it happened with him something similar to what had happened with me, they were not together anymore but they continued to stay in touch and I think also to love each other.

One day he comes to me, tells me that he wants to have sex with me but he immediately adds that he has just been with his other ex. I am very puzzled, I tell him that there may be risks for diseases, he says to me: "We can only go to bed together and you hug me ... ok?" And we did so. He told me that his other ex knew that he would come to me and had no problems. We talked a lot. It was one of the nicest nights I spent with him. Is my story a couple story? Technically not, perhaps it is an anomalous thing, but it is still a way to love each other. I say this with full awareness because I see that none of us, today feels uncomfortable for our story. We all know how things are and we accept the situation without problems. 

Certainly it is not the story of Cinderella and the charming prince and, seen from the outside, it may seem strange. He loves me but also his second ex, we have been used to thinking that emotional relationships and even more sexual ones must be exclusive, that fidelity is a virtue and that betrayal is a serious fault, but here there is no betrayal, we all know how things are. I certainly cannot say that I love my boyfriend less because he loves also another guy, who then is someone who really loves him. Why should he give up or me or him?

Frankly I would feel uncomfortable if my ex really forgot about me, but if he also needs another emotional-sexual relationship, well, I don’t see why he has to do without it. He's not fooling me, it's all in the light of the sun and they are very serious things that can have a major impact on his life. Are we really white flies, Project? Have you ever seen similar situations? I would like to know your opinion and also be able to compare my experiences with those of people who have experienced similar situations. 


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