06-08-2020, 05:23 PM
Hi Project,
I have read your forum far and wide and now I would like to let off steam with you on a thorny issue, in my opinion much more thorny than the issues related only to sex, betrayals and so on. You often talk about gay love as something completely detached from everything else, but unfortunately gay love (and for the straight one is absolutely the same) doesn’t come from a sterile and uncontaminated environment, but comes from the brains of people who have thousand other things on their minds, and they have a thousand other mental habits, from which they certainly don’t detach themselves when they fall in love, if they really fall in love. I mean that, sadly, gay stories are tainted by other interests, which sometimes don't even reach the level of consciousness.
I don’t mean that guys pretend to fall in love realizing that their falling in love, beyond appearances, has a thousand other reasons, or at least is conditioned by a thousand other reasons. You fall in love but taking with you all your mental vices. And note well, I’m not talking about sex-related things at all. We often fall in love mixing our falling in love with the idea of finding a "comfortable accommodation", of having something to gain either in explicitly economic terms or more often in terms of benefits related to coexistence, such as reducing subsistence expenses and those for the home, or even to have assistance in case of need or illness, especially if one begins to move forward with the years.
Furthermore, if one of the two partners has a job and the other doesn’t, the situation becomes tragic and the interests directly or indirectly linked with economic sphere become absolutely preponderant, even if no one talks about it. In summary, I think that often, unfortunately, affectivity and sex are by no means the central element of a relationship. Now I come to clarify the reason where all this talk comes from.
I'm over 40 and in my life I had only two important stories, the first one with a guy 15 years younger than me, that I mistreated because he seemed to me almost dependent on sex, I say almost because it was not really a pathological thing, let's say trat his propensity for sex was excessive for me. Then, after four years I broke the story with him and at the moment it seemed like a liberation, and I started a story with a man four years older than me.
I felt better with my new partner, in practice I felt at the same level, but a thousand other things emerged with him that slowly put the relationship in crisis. My current partner works, earns well, I mean much more than me, but has forms of avarice that irritate me. He doesn’t want to change his car because he says it is still very good, however, when he has to go out for work, he uses mine which is almost new and makes trips of 200-250 kilometers a day, but not only, he never refuels with petrol, I always have to do it, now he also takes it for granted that my car is somehow also his.
You will tell me that a car is only a car, but it doesn’t do it only with the car but also with the smartphone. But that's not enough: we've been living together for almost three years now, at my house, and he has never thought about contributing to expenses or going buy foods to the supermarket for both of us with his money. Mentally he reduced me not only to the role of paying bills, gasoline and various expenses, but also to the role of butler and cook, because he does nothing at all at home.
Days ago I started thinking about my first boyfriend and many episodes of which at the time I didn't even understand the meaning. At the beginning he did only precarious jobs and sometimes very heavy ones. I once thought to give him a smartphone as a present, I made a nice little package and gave it to him and I was surprised by his reaction, because he didn't even open the package, he put it back in my hand and said: “No! This is not good for me ... "At the moment I felt offended by this behavior and then I forgot about it. He never wanted to be accompanied anywhere by car.
Once, he came to my house and found a terrible confusion, he began to collect all the scattered things around and then he started washing the dishes and only allowed me to dry them. He never wanted to come and stay with me at my house when he wasn't working yet and I didn't understand why, then he found a permanent job and asked me if the proposal to live together was still valid, I said yes and he moved to my house and thenceforth he started do pay "always" a half of the bills and half of the shopping, he used to do it with an accuracy and a pride that somehow bothered me but that had a profound meaning, he didn't like at all to feel like one who takes advantage of the situation not even at a minimum level. He used to cook very often and was very careful to keep everything in order.
Since he had to go to work very early, he also used to get up very early and showered first. When I entered the bathroom, everything was perfectly dry and shiny, the window was open and the room was well ventilated. With my last partner, it is exactly the opposite, he goes out with wet thongs and splash with dirty water the whole house, he leaves the bathroom like a lake because he knows that there is someone who has to think about it.
Perhaps my first boyfriend will also have had a fixation on sex, and in any case he didn't put me in crisis because of this, but he had a dignity, that is he was interested in me, for sex, certainly, but also because he loved me, not because he needed a car or because while living with me he could live at my expense. A couple of days ago we met again and I was struck by his way of doing things: he was happy to see me! And honestly me too.
We talked for three hours, then I asked him if he had a partner, he said no and I told him that I had thought a lot about him and that I understood how unique he was and that I thought I would like to get back with him but now I had my new partner who was living with me. He asked me: "Are you in love with him?" and I replied. "Now not anymore.
Now I understand many other aspects of his nature that I don't like at all, but there is the problem that he has lived in my house for three years and he considers it his home, and convincing him to leave will not be easy ..." He told me: "Are you waiting for him to leave spontaneously? You can take it for granted, he will never do it!" We talked about how I could get rid of my partner, first of all I would have to find the courage to talk to him hoping that he won't make too many stories.
Then he said something I didn't expect: “When you want, when he's out, we take all your things away and you come and stay at my house, it's a very little house, but it's mine. Then if he makes a lot of stories, change the lock and take his things to a deposit and if he wants, he can go and get them there. All this seems to me really difficult to put into practice but I have to regain my freedom, I absolutely must succeed. Thinking that I was so stupid as to be enslaved by the guy who should have been my ideal partner makes me feel really bad.
Project, this is the point where I’m now, my house is occupied by my (ex-)companion that now I can no longer stand. Cohabitation is not a dream and can become a nightmare. Except in exceptional cases, I strongly advise young people to put aside the idea of living with their partner, unless he is a person with real dignity.
Thanks for listening, Project. If you put this email on the forum I would be happy if he reads it! Obviously do what you think best.
S. G.
I have read your forum far and wide and now I would like to let off steam with you on a thorny issue, in my opinion much more thorny than the issues related only to sex, betrayals and so on. You often talk about gay love as something completely detached from everything else, but unfortunately gay love (and for the straight one is absolutely the same) doesn’t come from a sterile and uncontaminated environment, but comes from the brains of people who have thousand other things on their minds, and they have a thousand other mental habits, from which they certainly don’t detach themselves when they fall in love, if they really fall in love. I mean that, sadly, gay stories are tainted by other interests, which sometimes don't even reach the level of consciousness.
I don’t mean that guys pretend to fall in love realizing that their falling in love, beyond appearances, has a thousand other reasons, or at least is conditioned by a thousand other reasons. You fall in love but taking with you all your mental vices. And note well, I’m not talking about sex-related things at all. We often fall in love mixing our falling in love with the idea of finding a "comfortable accommodation", of having something to gain either in explicitly economic terms or more often in terms of benefits related to coexistence, such as reducing subsistence expenses and those for the home, or even to have assistance in case of need or illness, especially if one begins to move forward with the years.
Furthermore, if one of the two partners has a job and the other doesn’t, the situation becomes tragic and the interests directly or indirectly linked with economic sphere become absolutely preponderant, even if no one talks about it. In summary, I think that often, unfortunately, affectivity and sex are by no means the central element of a relationship. Now I come to clarify the reason where all this talk comes from.
I'm over 40 and in my life I had only two important stories, the first one with a guy 15 years younger than me, that I mistreated because he seemed to me almost dependent on sex, I say almost because it was not really a pathological thing, let's say trat his propensity for sex was excessive for me. Then, after four years I broke the story with him and at the moment it seemed like a liberation, and I started a story with a man four years older than me.
I felt better with my new partner, in practice I felt at the same level, but a thousand other things emerged with him that slowly put the relationship in crisis. My current partner works, earns well, I mean much more than me, but has forms of avarice that irritate me. He doesn’t want to change his car because he says it is still very good, however, when he has to go out for work, he uses mine which is almost new and makes trips of 200-250 kilometers a day, but not only, he never refuels with petrol, I always have to do it, now he also takes it for granted that my car is somehow also his.
You will tell me that a car is only a car, but it doesn’t do it only with the car but also with the smartphone. But that's not enough: we've been living together for almost three years now, at my house, and he has never thought about contributing to expenses or going buy foods to the supermarket for both of us with his money. Mentally he reduced me not only to the role of paying bills, gasoline and various expenses, but also to the role of butler and cook, because he does nothing at all at home.
Days ago I started thinking about my first boyfriend and many episodes of which at the time I didn't even understand the meaning. At the beginning he did only precarious jobs and sometimes very heavy ones. I once thought to give him a smartphone as a present, I made a nice little package and gave it to him and I was surprised by his reaction, because he didn't even open the package, he put it back in my hand and said: “No! This is not good for me ... "At the moment I felt offended by this behavior and then I forgot about it. He never wanted to be accompanied anywhere by car.
Once, he came to my house and found a terrible confusion, he began to collect all the scattered things around and then he started washing the dishes and only allowed me to dry them. He never wanted to come and stay with me at my house when he wasn't working yet and I didn't understand why, then he found a permanent job and asked me if the proposal to live together was still valid, I said yes and he moved to my house and thenceforth he started do pay "always" a half of the bills and half of the shopping, he used to do it with an accuracy and a pride that somehow bothered me but that had a profound meaning, he didn't like at all to feel like one who takes advantage of the situation not even at a minimum level. He used to cook very often and was very careful to keep everything in order.
Since he had to go to work very early, he also used to get up very early and showered first. When I entered the bathroom, everything was perfectly dry and shiny, the window was open and the room was well ventilated. With my last partner, it is exactly the opposite, he goes out with wet thongs and splash with dirty water the whole house, he leaves the bathroom like a lake because he knows that there is someone who has to think about it.
Perhaps my first boyfriend will also have had a fixation on sex, and in any case he didn't put me in crisis because of this, but he had a dignity, that is he was interested in me, for sex, certainly, but also because he loved me, not because he needed a car or because while living with me he could live at my expense. A couple of days ago we met again and I was struck by his way of doing things: he was happy to see me! And honestly me too.
We talked for three hours, then I asked him if he had a partner, he said no and I told him that I had thought a lot about him and that I understood how unique he was and that I thought I would like to get back with him but now I had my new partner who was living with me. He asked me: "Are you in love with him?" and I replied. "Now not anymore.
Now I understand many other aspects of his nature that I don't like at all, but there is the problem that he has lived in my house for three years and he considers it his home, and convincing him to leave will not be easy ..." He told me: "Are you waiting for him to leave spontaneously? You can take it for granted, he will never do it!" We talked about how I could get rid of my partner, first of all I would have to find the courage to talk to him hoping that he won't make too many stories.
Then he said something I didn't expect: “When you want, when he's out, we take all your things away and you come and stay at my house, it's a very little house, but it's mine. Then if he makes a lot of stories, change the lock and take his things to a deposit and if he wants, he can go and get them there. All this seems to me really difficult to put into practice but I have to regain my freedom, I absolutely must succeed. Thinking that I was so stupid as to be enslaved by the guy who should have been my ideal partner makes me feel really bad.
Project, this is the point where I’m now, my house is occupied by my (ex-)companion that now I can no longer stand. Cohabitation is not a dream and can become a nightmare. Except in exceptional cases, I strongly advise young people to put aside the idea of living with their partner, unless he is a person with real dignity.
Thanks for listening, Project. If you put this email on the forum I would be happy if he reads it! Obviously do what you think best.
S. G.