09-04-2017, 02:08 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-02-2017, 11:23 AM by gayprojectforum.)
Hello Project,
I am a 22 y. o. guy, and even at my age, I have serious doubts about my sexuality. I feel emotionally led to the girls, I fall in love with girls, I’m fine with girls and sometimes I even had sex with girls, although relationships were little exciting for me, but I still cannot masturbate thinking about a girl. I tried several times but it is as if there was some sort of resistance, on the contrary when I had sex with a girl it somehow worked. I also tried with hetero porn but even there I do not feel any real involvement. I masturbate only thinking about guys or, rarely, watching gay porn. The fantasies of masturbation are almost all related to two incidents that I think have deeply affected my sex life. The first incident happened when I was 15 y. o. and the second when I was almost 19. Up to 15 years I had always thought to be straight and I masturbated thinking about girls, without much enthusiasm to tell the truth, but really only about girls. When I was 15, during a trip organized by the school, I found myself in a room with another guy, there weren’t as usually two separate beds but only a double bed. At first it seemed a bit strange to me, but I had slept a few other times with my mates in similar situations. When we went to bed we started to talk about sexual matters and tell each other everything, even the fact that we masturbated thinking about girls. Then, I asked him if, when he did it, he used to think only about girls and he told me that sometimes he thought about some guy, it seemed strange to him but he had thought also about guys and after all he told it would be a pleasant thing, not like with girls, but it would be nice anyway. I did not expect an answer like that, so direct and honest. Then he asked me if I thought only about girls and I did not have the heart to lie and I told him that when I masturbated I used to think only about girls but that, for me, thinking about sex with a guy was not something disgusting as many young guys say and that, indeed, what he had just told me did not seem so strange to me. I asked him whether he was gay and he said that he felt fully straight but he thought that so many straight guys do sometimes sex with their friends, even just to play. I said, “Well, yes, I think that happens.” Then I asked him if he was excited to stay in bed with me and he said yes, and I asked if I could check, he said: Go! And I picked his c..k up. Then he asked if I was excited and I told him that I was as well, and at this point he picked up mine. It turned out that we masturbated each other. Then it did not happen anything similar even if I wanted to violently, he continued to be with his girlfriend and we never again talked about, between us nothing changed. But for me, everything had changed because what had happened had been a very strong and quite a natural experience, without being forced from either side. After that day, I put aside fantasies about girls and I started to masturbate only remembering that night. But it was not all so easy, I was convinced I was gay and I cursed that night because if it had not happened I would have been a normal straight guy and had a life like that of all the other guys. And instead that night had changed my life. Two things made me feel bad, first of all I did not accept that my life could be so violently impressed by something like that and then I did not understand why the life of the guy with whom I had done such things instead was not changed at all. Why had I to be gay because of something like that and that guy was not? I have done everything to find a girl to love, then, finally, at 17, it happened. I knew a beautiful girl who fell in love with me, cuddled me and inspired me so much tenderness, she devoted herself to me with affection and I at the end, when I had just turned 18, had sex with her for the first time in the sense that we touched each other and then we came to masturbate each other. I was excited and I thought that I was not gay, then I came home but I felt strange, That evening I didn’t want to masturbate recalling the usual night with that guy, I wanted to do it thinking about my girl and I tried in every way, but couldn’t even maintain my erection, I felt dazed, then went back to the usual fantasies and so I came to the end. I told myself that things could not go this way, now I had a girlfriend and I had to delete all of masturbation because it was only a thing to kids and now I had to live an adult sexuality. With the best effort I could I put aside the solitary masturbation and limited myself to be masturbated by my girlfriend, then after a month I for once masturbated alone always thinking about that night. Things went on like that for a few months and I did everything I could to completely erase the memory of that damn night, then something new and unexpected happened, I know a wonderful guy and I’m fascinated though I try to avoid him because I do not want to be gay, then I start to look for information on this guy to get an idea a little more complete. I am told that he hasn’t a girlfriend and has never had but he never even had strange behavior. After resisting for a while I began to masturbate thinking about this guy and started to give him a court ruthless but fair, and he realizes it. One day I invited him for a weekend of camping and he accepts. The night we talk in the tent, the embarrassment is very strong, then I say that “maybe” I took half a crush on him, that is, in fact, I say only that he is a beautiful guy and I like him a lot then I ask him if he’s gay, he says he’s straight and has a girlfriend, who is now away for a semester because she is studying in another city, then he asks me if I’m gay and I say that I have a girlfriend, he replies: “… I think my life I will be with my girlfriend … well even I like you … but of course we are a bit strange the two of us …” then things went on and we ended up masturbating each other. In the end he concludes: “Of course a girl would never be able to do that as well a guy does…” And so it all ends. I think he is gay and in the following days I begin to pester him and he tells me that it happened but that he is not gay and that does not feel right to go forward, then he almost begins to escape me, not to be longer found, not to answer the phone and I fell very disappointed. Of course with my girlfriend all went wrong. Now I’m alone to lick my wounds. I just cannot understand how that experience, when I was 15, may have upset so my life. Why should I be gay for a so absurd reason? Even now I want a girl, but then, at sexual level, I realize that now for me it’s impossible to live a satisfactory sexuality with a girl. What do you think Project?